I recently found out my father sexually molested a girl 35 years ago...

[Anonymous]

I was just given life altering info that my dad sexually touched my, at the time, 9 year old female cousin, approx 35 years ago. I was a baby at the time. No criminal action was ever brought against him, and due to the era, it is somewhat understandable. My father has been the best dad to my sister, brother, and I growing up and has never faltered us in any way. This incident is not reflective of who I know as my father. My mother knew several years later and decided to stay with him for financial and supportive reasons. Later down the line...my mother weighed the good with the bad, and the good won out. She stayed with him and our family never knew the incident had occurred. My cousin moved out of state and did not bring up the issue. My question is, now armed with this information, I have 3 girls of my own and my father absolutely adores them.. I am caught between a very hard place. He has never exhibited any type of behavior remotely to where I would fear for my girls safety...but the question lingers. What should I do...I am so torn!

[Anonymous]

My family went through something similar. When I was 17, my sister (who was 21 at the time and no longer lived at home) came over and told my younger brother and I that she wanted to talk to us about something. She told us that my father sexually abused her when she was younger and she wanted to talk to us about it to find out if anything had happened to us. I can't recall my father doing anything to me, but my brother admitted that he was abused as well. I was shocked to find out that this had happened, because my father was a pretty good dad to us growing up. It turned out that my father molested my sister when she was very young and my mom found out, but decided to stay for financial reasons and assumed that the abuse had stopped after she confronted my father about it. My sister came to her once again when she was 12 and said that it was still happening, but she begged my mom to stay with my dad because she didn't want our family to split up. Of course, my mom should have left, but she wanted to do what my sister wanted her to do and also worried about how she could support out family financially.

Even though it had happened many years before, my sister decided to have my father charged and he went to jail for awhile.

For myself personally, I see my father (very) occasionally, but I do not have a good relationship with him. I don't think I would let him be around my children, if I were to have any.

That said, if you do have a good relationship with your father and want to continue that relationship, I would say, at the very least, if you allow him to have contact with your daughters, do not leave them alone with him.

[Asker]

Thank you for the kind words. I spoke to my father about it... there was a deep sadness to him. He never wanted us to find out. He is much older in age right now and he is devastated that the image of him, to us, has been tarnished. In my heart of hearts...I feel he would not do anything to my children and it was an isolated incident... which many in the world say cannot be possible. Due to the fact none of his children were abused, of course there is a slight disconnect from the act.

[TheMightyWind]

Regardless what everyone else says, we all make mistakes and we all seek redemption for it. Your father hasn't had this be a reoccurring problem for him, so I can't see why it will a problem later on. If you feel it is a problem then acted appropriately with how you feel. But to be honest, 30-35 years ago is longer than most people responding to you have been alive.

[Asker]

Thank you for the kind words. I spoke to my father about it... there was a deep sadness to him. He never wanted us to find out. He is much older in age right now and he is devastated that the image of him, to us, has been tarnished. In my heart of hearts...I feel he would not do anything to my children and it was an isolated incident... which many in the world say cannot be possible. Thank You.

[faux_punk]

it's been said. don't leave your children alone with your father.

Does he know that you know? If not you might want to ask him about it. There are two sides of everystory and there could be a chance that it was a misunderstanding. I say this because somethings that come off as abuse aren't for instance (your father steps out of the shower while your cousin walks in and sees him.) Also something to consider is that 35 years is A LONG time for a pedohile to go without abusing a child. I'm not saying that it can't happen I'm just saying after a certain age the behavior is a lot harder to break espeacially if the person's never been convicted or gone through treatment.

Also talk to your mom about and see if anyone else knows about the instance. If so then talk to them and see what they have witnessed. Just make sure you're not airing the families dirty laundry.

[Asker]

My father knows that I have knowledge. We spoke. He has not had another incident since the one 35 years ago... no one else has ever acted strangely with my dad. He is loved by all. My mother feels comfortable about having the kids over... I trust my mom. Thanks

[Anonymous]

The best I can suggest is to avoid leaving your kids in a situation where he might be tempted. I knew a guy who served time for this and it appeared an irresistible thirst for him. Maybe your father has been rid of the thirst or maybe he manages it better. Whichever, do not lead him into temptation.

[Asker]

My mother has watched my Dad's behavior since she was made aware of it 32 years ago... she, at any instance would of stepped in, if she thought there was something wrong. I still feel comfortable having my kids there...but definitely with my mom always present. Thank You.

[Anonymous]

I would err on the side of caution. I would never leave my daughters alone with him.

[dragonfly6516]

Don't bar him from seeing them, but don't let him alone with them either. I think it would also be a good idea to tell him, and/or your mom how you feel and WHY you can't leave your children alone with him.