Girls, what's your view on casual sex?

[Anonymous]

I'm having a bit of an internal tug-o-war. Not really into the relationship mindset at the moment, but I also have an opportunity to have a sort of friends with benefits scenario. The only thing is that I hesitate because I have a pretty good feeling that this guy is going to get stupid, distant, and generally be a jerk, like I'm some one nighter from a club. I really do not want to have to deal with being treated like this because all I wanted to do was get laid with someone that I know and trust (to the extent to go “there” with). That said, it also makes me a bit frustrated because while guys generally have it a bit better when it comes to finding casual sex and taking off afterward, girls have to deal with some emotional bs. In this case, with someone you think you have an okay prior friendship with. So in other words, girl finds causal sex- has to deal with emotional bs and being treated badly, no matter how she approaches it. Guy- they get laid and don't always get the same type of treatment. Girls just aren't wired like that compared to guys. I get that to an extent, but seriously? Where's the fairness? We have a right to get some, too. Why not without all the emotional torment? Because we chose to sleep with you, we get avoided and ignored when you see us? Gee, that's nice. I know there are exceptions where guys can play it cool and remain normal, but I guess it just baffles me that some guys STILL would treat a girl like that, even though he knew her and they were on good terms prior. I've also found it interesting that mostly guy friends have encouraged me to go for it, whereas several female friends have said not to and it's not worth the bs. The responses are what got me thinking about it overall. They are VERY different because guys just don't always have the same concerns that girls do in regard to sex. It sucks because we have to tread so lightly just to get laid. Easier for us to get a guy to have sex with him? Yes. To find one that won't give us hell afterward? No. I'm having hard time formulating exactly what it is I'm thinking, but the overall scope of it is sort of wtf. :/ Girls, what's your take on this? I know casual isn't for everyone, and in this sense, it does NOT mean sleeping with like 7 guys in a month or something ridiculously as high. Just going out and getting hers once in awhile, just as a guy gets to do on a regular basis. Sex toys only can do so much. :p Your experiences/outlook?

[MikeK]

Hi there -

I know you directed your question towards women, but I'd still like to drop my 2 ¢ ...

I've found in my experience, women can be as equally casual about relationships as men are. They want a "no strings attached" scenario where sex is on tap, but don't want ANY emotional involvement. Believe it or not - most men crave the same level of intimacy that women do. It's just that society creates this monster: where women think that men don't necessarily value love or commitment and we (men) are only in it for sex - so to counteract that, women develop this sense of rampant promiscuity where they abandon their feelings simply because they don't want to get hurt, and in the process, they end up ignoring and rebuffing good men who would be perfect for them. It's essentially a very vicious cycle. I don't believe what you say when you say "it's hard to get a guy that won't give you hell afterward". I look at sex like this - if a girl has sex with me, I'd like to think it's because she has genuine feelings for me and isn't just spreading her legs for shallow, meaningless banging. I know a lot of guys follow this behavior, but you'd be AMAZED at how many guys ARE NOT like this.

All I can say is do what you wanna do - if you enjoy sex without emotion: go for it. If you want something special in a relationship, that's fine too - JUST MAKE YOUR INTENTIONS CLEAR FROM THE BEGINNING! People always enter into situations under false pretenses, and THAT'S what cause problems.

[Asker]

It's funny you mention this because when I was writing this, those aspects came to mind. I KNOW there are men out there who aren't like this which is why I tried to make sure to point out that this isn't every case. I also know there are girls out here who are as callus toward perfectly good guys. I think that's why I'm sort of in the middle, like kheserthorpe pointed out. I'm okay with going there, but at the same time treating the guy like sh*t in return or getting callus about it

[Asker]

isn't necessarily something I want to do in return. It was hard not going off in multiple directions with this because I do see a lot of other factors involved. In this case, it just came to mind- wtf are we supposed to do when we want some and not feel like crap about it? :/

[MikeK]

I think if you do like I suggested and clearly state your position from the beginning, it would really help. I know things change all the time, but if you have a general idea on what you want at the start and communicate that - you'll be much better off

[Asker]

Yeah, agreed. I've wanted to, but his making himself scarce isn't helping. ...which leads me to believe that if he can't give me 5 minutes to sit down and talk to him about it, then he's not worth the hassle. But I think that overall, my gut instinct is telling me to drop it. :/

[kheserthorpe]

Maybe talk to the guy in question. I don't have personal experience with this, but my guess would be in many cases, things may start as FWB, but its the guy who is keeping it there, while the girl might have been open to (or wanted) more. So he takes on the responsibility of 'making sure she doesn't get attached', which is where you might get the whole 'goodbye friendship' thing.

I think the part most men don't understand from your perspective is the 'sex with someone you know' angle. I often hear it from women where they feel there is a closeness that leads to more comfortable casual sex. I'm not sure men are wired that way. I think for men, meaningless sex or sex where we're in love are easy, but the middle ground isn't. I may be wrong on that, but that may also be a factor to consider.

Why FWB and not a relationship with this guy? I'm not trying to say 'you're wrong', but the reasons why will likely play a big part in whether a friends with benefits relationship 'works' for you.

[kholland65]

I agree with the middle paragraph. It's one or the other for men, no in-between.

[Asker]

Yeah, I know a lot of girls do confuse it and can't handle it. I've heard it all. I usually keep myself in check and don't let it happen. I also know that guys are wired differently so it's easier for them to detach. I guess it's kinda like "okay we were chilling out a few weeks ago, bsing about whatever and watching sports. We hooked up and now you treat me like the plague? Really?" In this instance, I wouldn't care except I see him with other friends and SO don't want to have to deal with

[Asker]

awkward. Long story about the no relationship bit. It's just not an option. Also note, I would like to talk to him, but I haven't been able to. I think I'm just about to drop the entire thing. It's not worth trying to get laid. Too much bs. Batteries are less of a problem. :p

[heatherlu]

I've had my fair amount of casual sex, and something, I suppose others would construe as 'friends with benefits' and I've never come across the problems you're talking about.

When I want casual sex - I approach it as such. I won't have it with someone who I'm friends with prior - because then that's not really all that casual. I could never do that. You're too involved with each other for it to ever really work. Usually anything that works as a sort of f*** buddy/friends with benefits/ casual sex thing for me, has come from someone who I wasn't friends with prior. Maybe an acquaintance.

If you want just casual sex - keep it casual that's the way I see it - and the lines become too blurred when you mix things like that together. I'm not saying you can't be friends with these guys - you can - but it generally starts with the benefits and the friendship builds after. Note friendship - not relationship.

Basically all I'm saying is - plenty of guys are cool with that kind of deal - without all the hostility - but as long as you're both clear about wanting the same thing from it - and there's no harbored 'feelings' on either side.

[Asker]

Yeah, agreed.

[Anonymous]

i had it once. I was like ''i'm gonna be forever alone :( ''... so, this guy friend was in the same situation as me. we talked for a couple of time and then decided to be FWB...

casual sex, casual dates but too regular texts and chatting. he got supper obsessed with my behavior, with how many times I go clubbing, if I was drinking, with who I was, if I was hooking up with somebody else at the same time... all that attention was feeling great, like if we were ''going somewhere'' in our relationship.

this kind of behavior happened every single day... but not on Valentine's day.

i waited for him to ask me out, but he didn't, I didn't even get a text from him on that day, and when I asked why, ''but, we're not dating.'' - was his excuse.

and that was it. sometimes, it doesn't matter if you two make a good team on bed, once you go for casual sex, it will never be more than that, and since it's just casual sex, some of them may even treat you like an object.

[MrNameless]

Maybe he wanted your consent first and was just as confused as you were. O_o

[Asker]

Sounds like you went into it for the wrong reasons. :/ That obsessive bit sucks though.

[dx554]

You can. But realize that the respect a relationship gets in his eyes will not be the same. If you want some perks of a relationship like his kindness and talking to you and caring about you. YOu might as well be in one. Casual sex means that you are OK that he can sleep with other women, date other women, and screw you without commitment. Just be careful. Talk to him and let him know how you feel. If you do have casual sex I would assume that its better with someone you won't see commonly. It will be hard to bump into this guy when he moves on.

[kholland65]

So you want a guy to have sex with, who you are comfortable with, treats you with respect as opposed to some night club whore, and won't run off as soon as he sleeps with you. Sounds to me like you need a boyfriend not a FWB.

I think you girls just don't know what you really want. For some reason you believe a FWB is going to give you every single thing you want minus the negatives. Sorry you can't have your cake and eat it too.

Don't blame guys for the fact that most women cannot handle having just casual sex without an emotional connection. That is precisely why you shouldn't have casual sex. Honestly judging by everything you have said, getting into a FWB is a horrible idea. Because everything you fear will happen. I don't care how friendly you are with the guy, he will lose respect for you because you are essentially asking to be used. I know you just want some, but same goes for the guy who doesn't want a relationship and just uses girls for sex. You have low respect for guys like that right? Goes both ways.

I've never seen these end up well. I strongly advise you don't do this. You can't always get sex when you want it, sorry, welcome to reality. That is what masturbation is for.

[kheserthorpe]

I'm not as hostile to the idea as kholland, but I have _certainly_ noticed that women tend to talk about FWB as 'almost dating, except we're not in love necessarily, and you know, its not a big commitment'. Guys usually talk about FWB as barely different from f-buddies. Its just a recurrent ONS.

[Asker]

You're not a woman and I didn't ask for your input. Kthx.

[kholland65]

Yes basically women no a days are using it for a substitute for an actually relationship. But in my experience 9/10 the girl isn't satisfied as much as she thought she was, she gets to attached, or some other sort of drama ensues. I just find its not worth it. If you like someone enough to have sex with them, just date them.

[kholland65]

Sorry that I didn't give you the go ahead to be a glorified f*ck hole but if that is what you really want, all the power to ya. Just don't say I didn't warn you when you feel used, lose the friendship with the guy, or don't feel the emotional satisfaction that you don't realize you're looking for.

[adamcdavis]

haha I bet you're one of those guys who the second you find out a women gets around you won't want to sleep with her. Why bother being so judgmental when you know guys do that exact same thing every damn weekend lol.

[Asker]

lol adam. Glad you see the ridiculousness of this guy's outlook. His mom didn't hug him enough as a kid.

[kholland65]

Don't like the guys that do that either. I don't like people who have low self esteem, no self respect, make poor decisions, and have no morals. I wasn't raised by trailer trash. I love sex as much if not more than most people. But I don't need to lie, cheat, use people to get it. Go ahead and do what you want but don't come crying on this site when you get heart broken, called a slut, or lose you're friends. Same for you adam, when you're 30, can't get a Girlfriend cus nobody wants to your dirty d***.

[katiesmuff]

All my sexual adventures are casual and this has been this way for years for me. I don't see much bs at all, the fact that I don't care any more about the guy than using his penis to cure my ills if he wants to do me once and hit the road so be it.

If I were you I wouldn't waste another night without having this guys penis in your hand and other orfices.

[kheserthorpe]

This strikes me as the sort of attitude that will definitely make you happy with casual sex. If you're hoping for relationship light, I think she'll be disappointed. A lot of women seem somewhere in between, and I don't know how it will work out for them.

[Asker]

Why does your profile say that you're in a relationship then?

[katiesmuff]

That profile is quite old and I've ever updated it. It still has my old home also

[adamcdavis]

seriously don't listen to some of these comments. These guys commenting are just jealous seeing women be able to go out and get guys while they are unable to do so. Some guys might judge you but to be honest they're probably a waste of time if they're judging you for getting around when they likely are looking to do the exact same thing. I also don't see anything wrong with at least wanting some respect from guys you sleep with I think it's incredible rude to treat a women like they're nothing regardless of the situation. Even if it's just a F*** buddy or one night stand or whatever I might not try and get emotional or whatever but I'll at least treat you like a decent human being and be friendly.

[Asker]

Freaking amen. This is part of why it gets to be so wtf when guys you THINK you're okay with turn on you like that. :/ Have some damned decency. You don't have to love her or be BFFs, but have a basic level of respect and treat how you want to be treated. :/ Like George Carlin said- "Respect provider of thy nookie." On a general level, I don't think people even have a basic level of respect for others. They're just too selfish.

[adamcdavis]

Maybe my mind is like this because I don't have a lot of one night hookups lol. I don't know but just me personally I don't care much if guys just sleep with girls or whatever, but it seems pretty F****** stupid when guys will get with a chick then complain that she's a slut or something and gets with guys. Like seriously all I think when guys say that is like "ugh dumbass if that girl didn't have that mindset then you wouldn't be getting any so please stfu".

[Asker]

Haha, yeah, when you look at the general scope of it all, it can all get pretty ridiculous.

[AmericanHero]

I pretty much have a different woman every day of the week, I can't say it has effected me at all, I mean I'm happy I'm getting laid and they're happy they've got the best sex and biggest d*** they've ever had... so its a winner for me, some will not agree

[Asker]

You WOULD think that, at 19. How cute. :p

[AmericanHero]

I'm just being honest, I'm sure when I'm older I'll change

[Asker]

Haha, I know. I wasn't offended. Just amused.

[AmericanHero]

lol I thought you took offense to it, sorry if I come off as blunt, its just how I am

[Asker]

Eh, doesn't bother me. It was more blunt than ridiculously rude.