Why is he having second thoughts about friends with benefits?

[Anonymous]

My guy friend and I have been friends for almost a year now. I did like him for a while and I know he only saw me as a friend, so I accepted that and my feelings for him have started to diminish. We we were talking one day about friends with benefits and how he said that between us it would not be awkward at all since there are no feelings here. So he was saying how he could be experience for me and such. He also told me he was thinking about it when we were in school too. So the next day I saw him I was joking around with him saying how we should try it out and start with basic stuff and then work our way up. He was all for it. One night I texted him asking to meet up and such and he told me he had stuff to do etc. In the reply I kind of hinted like that whenever I see him we are always interrupted by people etc. and he caught on. He was happy and surprised at the same time. He told he had a party and so yea. We saw each other 2 days later and he brought it up, he's like I don't want to be your first (yes I am a virgin) and stuff like that. I told him, I did not want to go that far and that things will not be awkward between us blah blah. He told me, he does not want our friendship to change from what it was before to after the hook up happens. He also told me that he does not plan these things and works on impulse, so basically if it happens, it happens, if we are alone together. I was shocked after hearing this and not expecting it from him at all. I decided to bring it up again with him another day because it was bugging me and I was all in for it, and again he told me that he does not want to have me as a friends with benefits type of thing. He said it should be spontaneous if it were to happen where we are both alone. So he is basically saying if it happens, it happens. So from what I can conclude, he would hook up with me but if it were spontaneous, which confuses me, What do you think he is trying to say? Why won't he take the risk? Thanks!

[journeyman1126]

Not really too hard, this one. I've been friends with girls a lot, and once I ended up kissing one by accident. Kind of.

We were having some girlie slap fight (I'm a big he-man so I'm not threatened by that kind of imagery) in my car outside a bowling alley. Our faces got really close and the next thing you know my animal side came out or something and I kissed her. She kissed back.

We decided that was weird, and went back to just friends.

If you get to the point where you can stop talking about it, try to end up alone with him. Then don't be intense or desperate, and initiate some physical contact - like the slap fight, or tickling, or flicking his ear, whatever.

You're going for physical proximity and contact. NOT talking about it. Even if he brings it up, avoid the topic. Just end up on his lap or something. Who knows, pheromones might do the rest.

Just remember the Taylor Swift/John Meyer fiasco, you're the inexperienced one. He sounds like a genuine, nice guy. So you may get hurt because sex can awaken feelings in one partner and not the other.

He probably won't drag your name through the mud but you can still feel rejected when it ends up just being FWB behavior .

Keep your head and you may get him in bed. And not get hurt in the meantime.

The other method girls use is find a guy to make him jealous, then flirt with that guy in front of him. Talk about him as an alternative first time lover. That one works a lot of the time.

I've seen the jealousy decoy before, the Good Luck Chuck that other guys love to criticize. Maybe they're intimidated by him, maybe he's the local player. When girls who need to give a man a push to make the move, they will flirt with his arch enemy.

Who does he not like? You could say "Gee, so-and-so has started to work out or something. I like his arms. You think he's going to try out for the football team?"

Insert whatever you want there. You get the gist.

[kholland65]

This guys is smart. On the surface he was exited at the prospect of getting laid. I mean, what guy wouldn't be. But once he got what he wanted (an agreement from you), he start to think about it some more. He realized that this had bad idea written all over it. Yes guys do turn down sex and we do have brains that can override our penis. Some guys have stronger will power than others, same goes for women.

He for one knew that with you guys being close friends, things might get weird or it could eventually lead to drama that he doesn't want. He also knows you are a virgin and the idea of him stealing your virginity when you are not dating doesn't sit well with him and his conscious. Knowing that you used to like him (he probably knows whether you've told him or not) and that you are a virgin, he also knows that attachment is a very likely possibility, and that's another bridge he doesn't want to cross because it will be disastrous when he does.

[TKDKidd]

What I believe he is trying to say is something that I enjoy when it comes to sex, which is not forcing it. If you are together and start making out and it leads somewhere that is spontaneous. If you tell him "okay, I want you to take your pants off so we can have sex now", that is not something he is probably looking for.

My suggestion is, if you want to engage in intercourse or any form of sexual activity, come onto him, be alone - as you have stated that you often have people around - and play around.

[johnmsk]

well from what you have described, he is either having feelings for you or is afraid he will develop feelings for you after you lower your boundaries for him and let him enter to your privacy as a fwb.

Or, he is insecure and not as good in sex as you think and he is afraid you will find that out..LOL