Why can't he get over my past?

My boyfriend is extremely hung up on my past. I guess I lied by omission in the beginning of the relationship. Then one day he asked. Turns out he knew some of the guys. Since then, he gets mad at me sometimes if something reminds him of what I did. I've had to answer every question he has because otherwise he thinks I'm sneaking around now.

I never had sex prior to being with him. I gave oral sex to one guy, who was a very close friend of mine at the time, like 2 years before I even knew my boyfriend existed. I love this man because he's everything I ever dreamed of, if only he'd get over my past he'd be perfect. He, however, sometimes gets mad and says it hurts him, and complains a lot. But what can I do? I can't turn back time!

I tell him I realize a lot of what I did (like hooking up with strangers - no sex, just kissing) was wrong. But he tells me "Oh, NOW it's wrong, but when you did it, several times (like 4 times), you didn't think it was very wrong, or did you?"... what can I answer to that?!?

He's usually very loving towards me, and this happens every once in a while. But lately it's been hurtful, because well, I don't really like the idea of him watching porn, so I mentioned it (the porn thing) and he turned it around and made it my issue, and started using my past against me. He says I don't have any moral ground to complain about porn, since I did ver inmoral and according to him worse things in my past. He says my past is a much worse issue than the porn. I asked if I had never done anything in the past, would he understand the porn thing better and he said that yes, if I'd done nothing in the past then he would think I have a right to be upset about porn, but not now because I was easy before.

WHAT? Porn and my past have NOTHING to do! He says what I did is worse, but how can it be worse if I did it when I was *single* so I didn't do it to him! I didn't even know him! I stopped doing it, I'm faithful, I don't flirt, I don't dress provocatively. He keeps doing porn and while it shouldn't make me upset (or so I'm told) it still affects a tiny bit of my confidence (come on, I don't really like the idea of him getting turned on by perfect babes, not a lot of women do!).

How can I get him to stop complaining about my past? Especially since I'm told that my past was very tame. I hooked up with two strangers in two different occasions. One guy forced a kiss on me and I didn't hit him. I had a friend with benefits. There, that's my past, no sex, except for the oral sex thing that happened ONCE.

I don't want to break up with him though. Sigh.

Updates:
(Oh sorry by "he keeps doing porn" I mean he watches it, not that he's a porn actor, sorry for the confusion)

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Most Helpful Guy

  • First of all. I actually like this guy. Your situation reminds me of my and my ex girlfriend. I remember one time I met a group of 4 guys who were her "friends". It turns out these guys were the guys she had a kissing fling with while I was away in another state for the summer. It hurt me cause I had no idea it was them, and I even shook their hands and treated them with respect. Although she did tell me, I never really got over it until a few months later.

    Let me say this. He will get over it... eventually. The hard part, is getting there. You must tell him that he shouldn't worry anymore, that your there for him and he's the one you want in your life. I know it's difficult, because a lot of guys are insecure, at least at first. But by no means does he seem like a bad guy. I know it's cruel or perhaps might lead to an argument, but you should "playfully" threaten him that you'll break up with him if he doesn't forget your past. He needs to witness what it might be like without you to realize how much you really mean to him. My ex did this to me, and boy was I scarred shitless.

    Stop talking about the past, don't tell him anymore of it, because honestly there isn't any worth discussing. I understand why you were so honest, because you really like him. But he has to learn that you can't move forward if your still dwelling in the past.

    As for the porn. Tell him if he continues to watch porn you won't continue to be sexual with him. Porn is addictive. I won't say it's wrong or immoral, but it is an addiction. He probably does this to make himself feel better when he's thinking of you with those other guys. It's his "comfort medicine". You need to tell him to stop, he's only hurting the relationship, not you.

    Now I know some girls or maybe even a few guys might tell you to dump this guy, but I disagree. Were all not perfect. We all get jealous and we all lack self esteem issues. It's the process and the priority to which we allow ourselves to become better that makes all the difference. There is a lot of work involved, I know. And believe me it won't be easy, but the end results are always worth it if your willing to give it a try.

    Hope this helps :).

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    • hey,hey

      Why pick on porn?

      Any and everything can be an addiction

      Duhhhh!!!!!

      So can

      GAMBLING

      SPORTS

      SNIFFING GLUE

      DRUGS

      VIDEO GAMES

      where does it end with being an addiction?

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    • SaucieMaMa, [ Pornography is from the Devil]

      And you found that in the Bible? Possibly it's there . I'd like to know where.

    • Jacq... it's in the bible. I'm not familiar with verses, I suck at memorizing, but I don't think we should be bringing up morals for advice. Not everyone sees porn the same way. However, I do believe that something as addictive as porn can affect you. It can conflict with your daily schedule, your loved ones, and become worse with time. You have to admit, perhaps one of the reasons this boyfriend is watching it is because he thinks he "deserves" to. That's what I'm getting at.

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What Guys Said 22

  • [I don't really like the idea of him watching porn, so I mentioned it (the porn thing)]

    He likes to look at pron (many boys do), you don't like it=> a row=> he's stubborn, convinced it's his good right and not wrong or simply judges your interdiction exaggerated and uses THE argument he knows that might touch you: your "past"*:

    [How can I get him to stop complaining about my past? ]

    -Don't care when he says something about it, you're not guilty (repeat NOT)*

    -Stop WORRYING and complaining about his pron...or wait till it bores him.

    For a guy, looking pron isn't like trying to date those models, it's just looking, dreaming or masturbating maybe.

    If he uses a windows pc does he change when he looks at an Apple catalog?

    If he drives a Blazer, will looking at a Porsche catalog make him sell the Blazer, not wanting it any longer?**

    Pron is just that: a bunch of catalogs, a kind of encyclopaedia, to discover and get the imaginatory knowing what a redhead or a blonde or a Chinese or a slim one or a D-cupped one looks like in the raw. An amusing encyclopedia or catalog. Porsche or Wiki will not be as much fun for a young man who hasn't seen it all.

    * BTW, your past ressembles my wifes' "past" : not much to yell about and I'm at ease with it.

    I have looked at pron and when I see it I don't make a fuss over it: it's not worth it. I know how imaginary and fake it is. My wife too knows it.

    ** I'd like a 356 or a 911Targa

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  • From a guy whose past makes people wash their hands, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

    First, hooking up with strangers is perfectly fine. It passes the time.

    Also, the past is dead. He's dating who you are, not who you were, and he's only entitled to hear what you're ready to tell him.

    Realize he's running a head game on you. He wants a license to do anything he wants (like watch porn), so he's trying to use your past as a permanent guilt trip.

    Are you sure you don't want to dump the guy? Because here's the proposal you'll have to make: "Get over my past of get over me." Until he's faced with this choice, he won't make it.

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  • You have a lot of really great answers already, so I hope my 2 cents isn't just a rehash of what other people already said who said it better (sorry, I didn't read all their comments).

    This is how I would respond. "Yes, I think what I did in my past was wrong. I made decisions I am not proud of and I have since tried to change my life to be a better person. That doesn't excuse what I did, but I can't change it and I am trying to do the right things now. But your behavior is now. It reflects decisions you are making now and the kind of person you are now. Regardless, my mistakes don't excuse yours. Are you trying to say that because I did some things wrong before that makes it okay for you to do things that are wrong now? Yeah, I have a problem with you watching porn. I don't think it is right, and it hurts my feelings. I hope that out of respect for me and what is right that you would choose not to watch it."

    Doing a wrong thing is not justified because somebody else did or does a wrong thing. We are each responsible for and own our decisions. He has to own his now. The games he is playing are disingenuous and hypocritical and may be a smokescreen for some other issues he has going on. What he is doing is hurtful and manipulative and I think you should be very wary of progressing too far in this relationship if his behavior continues like this.

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  • lol think about it...he's trying to control you...I hate when you women let your guys blame everything on you and complain to you. Get a man who is POSITIVELY dominant. A man who thinks, before he acts, a man who sees the real you instead of hiding behind your past. A man who knows his destiny instead of complaining about everything else. You quote "He's usually very loving towards me, and this happens every once in a while." WHAT! Find someone who can love you ALL the time. Someone who CHARISHES you! You don't want to break up with him...so you're single for a little bit. Find someone who wants to you...FOR YOU!

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  • First of all, remember that all guys (at least the ones with any sex drive) watch porn. It is a harmless thing, unless they are obsessed about it or spending too much time on it.

    Tell him that after starting this relationship with him you never even think of other guys. If any one flirts with you in front of him, ask them to get lost!

    Other possibility is that he may be wanting to play some sexual game with him where he wants to "punish" you for being a "bad girl" in the past.

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What Girls Said 16

  • Honestly, I say f.uck him. I've had to put up with that shit before, from a guy who couldn't get over the fact that I'd slept with two people before I even knew of his EXISTENCE, and he bitched about it through the entire 9 months we were together.

    He can't see eye-to-eye with you and he's being irrational and possessive. You have no reason to apologize for things that happened in the past that didn't even involve him. If he can't understand after all of this, I say get out while you can.

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  • I would say that he needs to learn how to have a disagreement in a civil way, and you can bring this up as the root issue.

    The root issue is not him liking porn, or you having a bad past. It's him lacking confidence and faith in you, and you being unconfident, and neither of you being able to move past disagreements in a way that provides solutions and understanding.

    When having an argument there are a few things to keep in mind.

    #1 - stick to the root of the issue. don't tell him that you aren't liking him watching porn, it's not what's really bothering you. Tell him that the porn makes you feel like you aren't as valuble to him because you are afraid that you are competing with these fake women and it makes you insecure.

    #2 - stick to the now. What is past, is past. You can't do anything about it anymore. You were that person, but that person isn't all that you are now, and neither of you guys should be holding each other to that standard. This is a topic of discussion all on its own. My suggestion? Bring up a day to air all the dirty laundry on each side, show all the steps that make that not the case any more, put them in a box, lock them away, and love each other faults and all. People are not gods. (and yes, it is hard to learn how to argue without pointing out someone's past)

    #3 -try not to get too impassioned. one person getting angry, or both, means its time to take a 5 minute break to get it all under control. Saying rash words and hurting someone's feelings is not going to rectify the issues, it is going to prolong it.

    #4 - solve it before bed. Really, else it is just going to keep repeating itself as this seems to be, and that just means each time the issue is not resolved there is that much more past connected to the issue with which to draw resentment from.

    #5 - the "I feel _____" statements that you learned as a kid really work. It makes the problem you put on the table feel less like an attack against him, and more like a situation that is attacking both of you that needs to be worked through.

    #6 - have this discussion in a private, comfortable place so both of you are less likely to be defensive and set a specific time aside for it if you have to

    #7 - when you come to an understanding of the situation on both parties sides try to reach a compromise that is the ideal, and list several steps on how to get there. This does not mean there is some lose/win on each side, as it should be a pure step toward win for both of you, just maybe not fully encompassing the full fantasy of what each other want.

    #8 - respect/love each other. And this means when you guys fall off the rocker and the discussion does get heated, apologize, not for how you feel or who you are but for your derailment of a thing that is trying to work for the benefit of the both of you in favor of the feelings that are in your benefit alone.

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  • honesty is good. and if he can get over the fact you have had more relationships than him, that will help a bit. if he can't bare being with someone like you with that past, then maybe it's for the best. because sometimes if he may bring it up later, it might hurt you...when he gets suddenly mad remembering. if he wants to be with you, he'll get over it, accept your past.

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  • He's inexperienced, dumb, and probably doesn't realize what a spaz he's being. Guys usually grow out of this, but I think it's usually with the next girl.

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  • I say leave him, he won't take responsibilities for his actions, he's acting like a little boy.. I know you don't want to break up with him because of the positive feelings you have for him, but there are also negative feelings buried inside too... and you need to rid of those, either do a seperation for breathing and a chance for him to realize he needs to stop throwing your past in your face... breaks sound tough but they help you see the real picture through another perspective..

    I just want to say, you don't sound like a whore, its not like you're running around sleeping with every man who winks at you.. You're a typical young woman experiancing life in a lady like way.. WHat's wrong with kissing a little, while you're not married or in a relationship? Women out in this world have done farrrrrrr worse things..

    dont be sad, try and take time for you inbetween talking to him about a break (if you take this advice) and go by the pool do your nails and relax, time by yourself or with positive loved ones, can do wonders for your self esteem. :-)

    good luck I hope you get through this and figure things out.

    xoxo

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    • Wait a sec.

      if she's being a typical young woman

      And sleeping woth a every Jack and Dick

      By definition that's a SLUT or WHORE

      Where or Where are peoples' morals and values?

      I guess people need to start reading the bible more

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    • Lol read the bible...why would she wanna fill her head with nonsense?

    • I wouldn't pay attention to liquidlithium, because while you're filling you're head with "nonsense" she's busy filling her head with air! I feel really bad for people like her. May Lord have mercy on their souls..

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