My boyfriend is extremely hung up on my past. I guess I lied by omission in the beginning of the relationship. Then one day he asked. Turns out he knew some of the guys. Since then, he gets mad at me sometimes if something reminds him of what I did. I've had to answer every question he has because otherwise he thinks I'm sneaking around now.
I never had sex prior to being with him. I gave oral sex to one guy, who was a very close friend of mine at the time, like 2 years before I even knew my boyfriend existed. I love this man because he's everything I ever dreamed of, if only he'd get over my past he'd be perfect. He, however, sometimes gets mad and says it hurts him, and complains a lot. But what can I do? I can't turn back time!
I tell him I realize a lot of what I did (like hooking up with strangers - no sex, just kissing) was wrong. But he tells me "Oh, NOW it's wrong, but when you did it, several times (like 4 times), you didn't think it was very wrong, or did you?"... what can I answer to that?!?
He's usually very loving towards me, and this happens every once in a while. But lately it's been hurtful, because well, I don't really like the idea of him watching porn, so I mentioned it (the porn thing) and he turned it around and made it my issue, and started using my past against me. He says I don't have any moral ground to complain about porn, since I did ver inmoral and according to him worse things in my past. He says my past is a much worse issue than the porn. I asked if I had never done anything in the past, would he understand the porn thing better and he said that yes, if I'd done nothing in the past then he would think I have a right to be upset about porn, but not now because I was easy before.
WHAT? Porn and my past have NOTHING to do! He says what I did is worse, but how can it be worse if I did it when I was *single* so I didn't do it to him! I didn't even know him! I stopped doing it, I'm faithful, I don't flirt, I don't dress provocatively. He keeps doing porn and while it shouldn't make me upset (or so I'm told) it still affects a tiny bit of my confidence (come on, I don't really like the idea of him getting turned on by perfect babes, not a lot of women do!).
How can I get him to stop complaining about my past? Especially since I'm told that my past was very tame. I hooked up with two strangers in two different occasions. One guy forced a kiss on me and I didn't hit him. I had a friend with benefits. There, that's my past, no sex, except for the oral sex thing that happened ONCE.
I don't want to break up with him though. Sigh.
Most Helpful Guy
First of all. I actually like this guy. Your situation reminds me of my and my ex girlfriend. I remember one time I met a group of 4 guys who were her "friends". It turns out these guys were the guys she had a kissing fling with while I was away in another state for the summer. It hurt me cause I had no idea it was them, and I even shook their hands and treated them with respect. Although she did tell me, I never really got over it until a few months later.
Let me say this. He will get over it... eventually. The hard part, is getting there. You must tell him that he shouldn't worry anymore, that your there for him and he's the one you want in your life. I know it's difficult, because a lot of guys are insecure, at least at first. But by no means does he seem like a bad guy. I know it's cruel or perhaps might lead to an argument, but you should "playfully" threaten him that you'll break up with him if he doesn't forget your past. He needs to witness what it might be like without you to realize how much you really mean to him. My ex did this to me, and boy was I scarred shitless.
Stop talking about the past, don't tell him anymore of it, because honestly there isn't any worth discussing. I understand why you were so honest, because you really like him. But he has to learn that you can't move forward if your still dwelling in the past.
As for the porn. Tell him if he continues to watch porn you won't continue to be sexual with him. Porn is addictive. I won't say it's wrong or immoral, but it is an addiction. He probably does this to make himself feel better when he's thinking of you with those other guys. It's his "comfort medicine". You need to tell him to stop, he's only hurting the relationship, not you.
Now I know some girls or maybe even a few guys might tell you to dump this guy, but I disagree. Were all not perfect. We all get jealous and we all lack self esteem issues. It's the process and the priority to which we allow ourselves to become better that makes all the difference. There is a lot of work involved, I know. And believe me it won't be easy, but the end results are always worth it if your willing to give it a try.
Hope this helps :).