Why does my boyfriend choose to masturbate over having sex with me anytime?

[sassy26]

We've been dating for a little over a year and in the beginning we were having sex one or 2 a week, which I thought was odd for a new relationship. So after like 8 months I finally got the courage to talk to him about it, we have sex a little more but still not enough for me. So I thought maybe I just want sex more than he does but then we moved in together and I find out he watches a lot of p*rn and masturbates often. He always waits for me to leave to do so . I am always willing to have sex, try anything and never turned him down. I feel now that I am a chore because I asked to have more sex. It makes me feel unattractive, I work out regularly, I take care of myself and appearance, and when I go out I am always hit on by other men so I know I can turn other guys on. He insists that I do turn him on but then why choose your hand and p*rn over actual sex that you can have anytime?

[arthurdent]

I'm going to try to say some truth here. Of course it's only truth as I know it. And some - especially younger men - may feel I'm entirely wrong.

This has nothing at all to do with how attractive you are.

Sex is a chore. That doesn't mean (I'm going to say "guys" here, but we're all different and as I said some will disagree with me) guys don't ever want to have sex (shocker!), but if we feel a need to have an orgasm, masturbation is way easier.

Sometimes feeling a need to have an orgasm isn't even about sexual desire. You're stressed out, you're having trouble sleeping, you're having trouble relaxing - whatever. An orgasm releases some chemicals into the brain, and next thing you know your shoulders aren't so tight, you're thinking more calmly, etc.

So maybe if you thought about in terms of a physical need, versus sexual desire?

Back to when I said that sex was a chore. By that I mean it takes a lot of work. Granted, especially if men aren't having sex regularly, it's work that sounds pretty awesome. But geez - sometimes for us guys, we're so concerned with making sure that you enjoy it and reach orgasm, that our orgasms are more of a by-product of the whole experience rather than the main attraction.

Oh, and for me at least, the point of sex is the orgasm. I've been told, and have agreed to believe that it isn't always the point for women, but I can't wrap my head around that. Probably why we're often not very good at foreplay (um, myself excepted, of course) - we want to get to the main event, and can't really comprehend the notion that you don't feel the same way.

Some ideas, if you're open to them:

Every few times, make sex just about him. Whether it's a blow job or whatever it is, make it clear that you're in this for him to reach orgasm.

If you're kinky enough, and he is too, ask to watch him masturbate. Encourage him while he does it, maybe masturbate together.

Don't "give up" on your own desires. That isn't my point. These two ideas may help the two of you to open up to each other more sexually, and as a result make the sex you want in the relationship happen more often.

Anyway, I think his need masturbate isn't necessarily the same thing as his sexual needs and desires. It's also certainly no judgement on you and how attracted he is to you.

Even if you both open up a lot more to each other and choose to try the two ideas I had, know that he's still going to masturbate, alone sometimes. That's not a sexual need - that's a physical release, I believe.

Hopefully though you'll each find a way to be more open, and come closer to a sustainable, comfortable middle point between your two sex drives.

Hope I've been helpful!

[Dionysos]

I know that it's hard, but try not to let it get to you. Jerking off is something all guys do (almost without exception) from about the age of puberty or before. We get really good at it too, and it becomes a normal thing like scratching an itch.

Sometimes you have an itch and you just want to rub one out. Sometimes you have an itch for a favorite fantasy that might not be compatible with your partner and you want to rub one out.

If you're horny and he's horny, use it as a good thing. If you don't already initiate sex when you want it, go for it. Tell him for every time he rubs one out he owes you one too. Do it with a big naughty grin.

Ask him to show you his favorite p*rn and dig into it (fun, not investigative) to find out what specifically turns him on about it.

Lastly, accept that guys are mostly accustomed to a solo sex life, and a partner sex life is great but it entails a lot of thinking about someone else's pleasure too. Jerking off is a purely selfish act, and it's something that guys value and most would resent having to give up. Don't make him. Just manage it so you both get what you need.

[AustinMan]

He's got a mild addiction. He likes the p*rn because he sees exactly what he wants to see and is free from having to satisfy anyone else. As a psychiatrist once told me: you have a lot of orgasms from masturbation but you don't meet many nice people that way. Ask him to forgo the p*rn and masturbation. If he will, I'm guessing you'll start looking a lot better to him. Also, find out his favorite sexual fantasies and offer to help him live them out if he'll reciprocate, presuming you have fantasies. Not everyone does.

[timothyf0142]

Agreed..porn addict. Yes men still wank but it's not normal to prefer wanking to having sex with your girlfriend the vast majority of the time. Maybe it's time to consider leaving him.

[stubbsy]

Strange man, it sounds like he has fallen for the p*rn type and has forgotten he has a real woman that desires him, you might want to demand he leaves the p*rn alone, because only then will he realize the talents in you,x

[katiesmuff]

He's weird!

[Tractorbeam]

I think it would be more normal if he was banging you twice a day,and only fixing himself up if he couldn't get enough.

I don't think I've ever refused sex in a relationship,and many other men could say the same.He's not normal,but I don't know how you can fix it.

[loveladies1]

Most guys would love that you are willing/want to have sex all the time. Maybe you should find one of those guys if he is not getting it done. It is possible that he doesn't think he satisfies you during sex too@

[franz-joseph]

because his hand is tighter than your pussy. have you tried giving him blow jobs?

[QueenPolo]

And you're with this guy because...?

[Anonymous]

Do you have a problem with your self confidence or something? Why are you with this guy?