Why do guys continue to hurt their girlfriends with p*rn?

[confusedgirl33]

I know that guys will always look at p*rn. Because we have to live with the saying that "guys will be guys." But my question is, why continue to do it if you know that it hurts your girlfriend/wife? I love my guy with all my heart and if there was something that I did that hurt him, I would stop in respect of him, even if it was something that I enjoyed doing, but he is more important than a "habit". I never had a problem with his viewing before, because he always wanted to have sex with me everyday, sometimes three times a day. I never turned him down, even if I was tired or sick, because I loved being with him. Now, he turns me down to the point of me never asking for it again, cannot handle the rejection. We now have sex once a week. long since the days where a normal session would last at least an hour, I am lucky if it lasts 15 minutes. He never goes down on me anymore, or touch other parts of me that used to drive me wild. I am not a dead lay. I get involved. I am constantly move my hips, dirty talk, moan, I am very active during sex. He masturbates everyday, but says he is too tired to have sex with me. Whenever I leave the house, he rapes his computer. whenever he showers he does his deed. He also sneaks off in the bathroom to take care of it, and here I sit, frustrated and feeling very alone. I have talked about this to him. I said that he has hurt my feelings, made me feel bad about myself, and makes me question his level of attractiveness that he has for me. I went from being called gorgeous and beautiful, to cute. His habits don't change. He still does himself and his fantasy girls more than me. He is still very affectionate. Loves to cuddle and hold my hands. Lots of hugs and kisses, tells me that he loves me everyday...at least 20 times a day. He says that I am his dream girl. If I am his dream girl, why are these 2D girls getting all of the attention? I have thought of breaking up with him over this, but I love him too much to do so. I would never do something to him if it makes him feel lonely and unloved. So guys, why do you continue with this behavior if you know it breaks your girls heart? Why have sex with yourself more so than a woman who loves you? Does everything for you? Who is always there for you when you are down and need a shoulder? Why break the hearts of the one you love? I don't get it! Is seeing naked chicks on line really worth it?

[MrOracle]

First of all, if things are as you describe, then this is not normal, run-of-the-mill p*rn watching - this may well have become p*rn ADDICTION (and, yes, that's a real thing). It's one thing to watch p*rn and masturbate when you aren't available, but it's another thing entirely to choose p*rn/masturbation over a willing partner.

As I said, p*rn addiction is a real possibility, but there are other possibilities too. If your relationship has grown unhealthy (most commonly due to a lack of communication between you), then it's normal for him to pull away and prefer to be alone, because when a relationship is unhealthy, being around that other person is stressful. The good news is that, once the problems are finally addressed, and all the issues are put out on the table and actually dealt with, the stress usually goes away and things to back to normal.

The other possibility is that he is stressed from some other source (work, finances, family obligations, etc.), and because of that stress, "performing" for you feels stressful to him and is more than he can bear, so he prefers masturbation (where he has no pressure to please anyone but himself) for release.

You need to sit down and talk this out with him. Do NOT judge him or let yourself be angry or hurt, even if he tells you things that are hard for you to hear. Instead, you must come at the problem from a position of curiosity and problem-solving. Remain calm, try to be sensitive to his feelings, but demand, in a gentle way, that he tells you the truth about how he really feels. Get the ROOT CAUSE of the problem out of him. That may be hard, but only when you know what he's REALLY thinking can you deal with the problem and solve it with him.

It's probably one of the three things I've mentioned above (or more than one), but you really need to get his side of the story. Whatever the problem is, it is fixable IF he is willing to make some effort to change, and you are too. But it starts with the truth.

[confusedgirl33]

It has become unhealthy because of this. He told me that it is my attitude that turns him off and that is why he would rather masturbate, I get it. I told him my attitude changed when I started to get rejected. How can my attitude change for the better if he continues this behavior? Yes, he also stressed...but when I am stressed, I find a good hard bang is the best stress relief.

[MrOracle]

Really, the two of you need some marriage counselling. Instead of bringing your problems to each other to solve together, you both go off and try to solve them on your own (him especially, but you too to some degree). A good marriage counselor will get the two of you talking and sharing and working on your relationship TOGETHER again, and that will very probably solve this issue for you.

[thetundrawolf]

His heart is burning for these fantasy girls. not because they have hot bodies, but because of the ideals in his mind. They are never going to turn to the camera and tell him he's wrong.

Bottom line, you no longer hold most of his heart.

But I will ask you this: How much of your heart does he still hold?

A woman can only take so much... no doubt you are feeling bitter, angry, and resentful. If a woman is loving me, and she is talking dirty, moving her hips- but her soul is not into it, her heart is not there, I will get more satisfaction from masturbating. You women have a lot of instinct: but us guys do, too.

I know what you might be thinking, "Well screw that! He's a bastard! He never touches me anymore, I feel rejected, why would I bother being vulnerable for him?" Because your relationship depends on it.

If you overcome your feelings of hurt, anger, pride, and you give yourself to him fully, he is going to notice. Yeah, he may still look at p*rn, but he is going to come back to you.

The truth is, a man needs your heart as much as you need his. Your body, without a loving heart, is a cold, dead fish. I know how easily a woman's heart can be damaged. And how much you want to keep it protected. But now is NOT the time to put a concrete block around your heart.

Now is the time to start being better than his false ideals of those women, now is the time to be real. He doesn't want to sleep with a woman who is angry/resentful/hurt/bitter. No man does. I know it sucks. Life often does. But how much are you willing to invest to get him back? Your pride? Are you willing to give your heart to him to trample on, if he desires it?

[confusedgirl33]

Oh wow, you hit the nail right on the head! I have become resentful. I wen from being this happy go lucky girl, laid back, funny, always smiled, always joking around, to this mopey mess. He always sees me sad, down, not smiling,. I get angry at him for no reason. IF he was a sad mess, getting angry at me for no reason...I guess I would have a hard time sleeping with him too! I will let him do his thing, and I will be the girl he fell in love with and see if I get him back! Thanks!

[Analemma]

I actually really like your answer (tundrawolf guy), but having been in a similar situation before, what about when the escapist allure of p*rn is too much to compete with? There ARE guys who are addicted to just escaping reality sexually and otherwise... No matter what, their girlfriend is going to lose her novelty.. I guess it just sounds like the guy isn't at fault for getting bored of his girlfriend, and it's up to her to magically woo him back until he wanders away again :(

[confusedgirl33]

I took your advice. That night I went back to the old me, the me who he fell in love with. I've notice a change in him after a couple of days. Today he surprised me with a dozen roses, wine, chocolates, and a card saying that this past I have made him so happy and it's been very nice seeing the old me again. oh, and we had sex 3 times in the past 4 days. We have a ways to go but I just wanted to personally thank you for your awesome and eye opening advice!

[confusedgirl33]

meant to say "these past few days"

[thetundrawolf]

I am happy to hear it! Now comes the hard part... Keep on doing what you have been doing... Even when it hurts. Especially when it hurts, and he goes back to his fantasy girls. It is a was between you two, and you have to fight. The good news, is that after you've put all of yourself into it, he will begin to see it. Eventually, if you keep it up (But you must be genuine, he will know- remember you are fighting a fantasy. You must be MORE real than that!) he will grow ashamed of his behavior.

[thetundrawolf]

After he grows ashamed, there will be a time of bonding, and rediscovery of the deep love you both desire out of each other. Be there for him, he is screwing up, but he will see the light of day. This is going to be an up and down battle, but I am praying you find the man you fell in love with, and that he finds the women he too fell in love with. Fantasy is just that: Not real.

[confusedgirl33]

He back tracked a bit, and it is hard for me not to crawl back into my hole. When I do that, I get quiet, don't really talk to him, and get really defensive when I do speak to him. But I will continue to fight through my insecurities and get back to what we had before. He told me the other day that he really misses the old me, and that he misses all of the attention I used to give him. He said that I used to treat him like he was my world, my everything, and every time he walked into the room, my face lit right up, and he misses seeing how much I love him and how I used to show it all the time. So, instead of putting all blame on him, I guess I had played a major role in this, and that is why he was seeking fantasy so often, because he was feeling unwanted and unloved. He will always go back to them from time to time ( a habit formed since he was a teenager) and I am ok with that. I just want him to come to me like he used to and for that to happen, I need to be more attentive to

[confusedgirl33]

(continue) his emotional needs like I need him to be there for my physical needs. Again, thank you. You're the only male I talked to that had a voice of reason, instead of saying "guys will be guys, get over it!"

[thetundrawolf]

Your comment pretty much made my month. If you keep it up, if you keep giving all of you to him, something is going to click one day in his mind, and he's going to realize, that your hot, soft, sweet body is orders of magnitude more appealing than his tightly clenched fist. If he feel embarrassed, and he very well may, do not coddle him in my opinion. There needs to be a line- he needs to understand that constantly going back to p*rn is NOT okay. Sometimes in our pain and felt (Perceived) betrayal, we can overdo the "punishment". This is not one of those times. If... When... he comes (crawling) back to you, reward him for it. If you repay his changed attitude with coldness: He will never forget it, and those fantasy p*rn girls will always be beckoning. I applaud you, you are a wonderful woman, and any man would be blessed to have such a strong person as a mate. I will be praying for you both.

[confusedgirl33]

Aww, thank you!!! Your kind words brought tears to my eyes!! You too are a wonderful man and not only gives great advice, you can see how something like this can hurt a woman, and offer advice other than "you need to give him more sex" "you need to lose weight" You realized his act was a symptom to a problem, and with out knowing us, you were able to pin-point what the problem was. Thank you, you played a hand in saving our relationship and helping me out with my sanity, lol! I no longer view it as a poor reflection on my looks, but more so on my attitude. And thinking back on how I treated him, I wouldn't want to have sex with me either, lol!

[RainbowSmile]

I wouldn’t like it if my man watched porn and maybe I am naive but I don’t think he does. To me sex is very personal and him completing himself to strangers devalues what I think we have and I find it all around degrading which I know a lot of people probably think I’m dramatic and that’s okay but I can’t help how I feel. Anyways with your guy, maybe he is lazy and it’s just his way of venting because sometimes sex can be tiring and he doesn’t want to feel the pressure of having to please you etc. have you tried filming yourself? Maybe he just likes watching...

[MissConfused93]

You're generalizing too much. Myself and my boyfriend both watch p*rn and nothing has been affected. Most relationships aren't hurt by p*rn. Just because yours is doesn't mean everyone experiences the same.

[confusedgirl33]

I am not talking about all, just the ones that do this. Google it, many woman are hurt by this and their guy doesn't care. I am not against p*rn, I am against it when he chooses that over me.

[MissConfused93]

That's totally understandable but p*rns not the issue. He is.

[laceyz565]

Start watching gay p*rn. Reverse pychology people lol

[kentpaul]

You need to take a chill pill.

Have an adult conversation with him and let him know that you're not getting enough from him and that you're fine with him watching p*rn as long as you're getting enough.

If that doesn't work, you can try to spice things up with lingerie and what not.

And if that doesn't work, maybe he's just not that sexually attracted to you anymore. Common story. A guy will often not be that excited about a girl anymore after they've had sex 100 times. If that's the case, you may be better off with someone else.

[confusedgirl33]

Yes, I talked to him about this many times! I have dressed up (naughty nurse, maid, school girl) did the toy thing, you name it, I tried it. Still, nothing changed! I told him to leave me if he wants something new. But he continues to stay because he says that he loves me and wants a life with me?

[kentpaul]

I think you should move on. He's clearly not as sexually into you as he once was. Or maybe he has fantasies that he's too ashamed to tell you about. Either way, the current situation is not working and it would be reasonable for you to try your luck elsewhere. Now, if you want to make it work, maybe you could do couple's counseling. There's nothing wrong with p*rn per se, but it's it's affecting your sex life, something needs to change.

[ironeddie]

No it is not worth it the p*rn thing. In all honesty I can't figure out what's going on with him. It make no sense to me.

Have you every asked him straight out. What's going on? I can under stand how if you have been together for a while it may become, more of a "routine" than exciting. But too almost ignore you, and love his hand. Is beyond my comprehension.

Could he possibly be cheating? Are there times when he's not at work that he can't account for? Maybe giving the same reason? "I was over at ______place."

Maybe he or even better both of you can go to see a sex therapist. It would show support if you're there and I'm sure the therapist would have questions for you as well.

:-)

[confusedgirl33]

No he is not cheating. In spite of his love for the net and self love. He loves spending time with me, everyday. We live together, and gets pouty if I don't want to run to the store with him. I call him my shadow, where I go, he follows...except for the bedroom :-(

[ironeddie]

Then get some counselling. If you've talked to him, I don't think you have a choice but counselling. :-)

[kheserthorpe]

1) Don't sit around spewing garbage about how you'd change if it hurt him. Its not that simple. Why don't you just change to be happy with his p*rn habit and neglect of you if its that simple?

2) He has a sex problem, and p*rn may be a part of it, but that's not the whole story. He's avoiding sex with you and choosing over you. That's quite different from 'likes p*rn when masturbating'.

You need to talk to him about what's going on in your sex life. I wouldn't assume the issue is 'p*rn'. The issue is he's avoiding sex and not into it. He needs to start talking about why, what's going on, and how to get your sex life back on track. If not, you should dump him. Not because he's got a sex/p*rn problem, but because he's refusing to work on that problem to improve your relationship.

[confusedgirl33]

I would change a habit if it hurts him... it is that simple. If I changed to be happy with his habit, that is not me changing a habit that has hurt him, that is me changing my attitude to comply with his habit... not exactly the same thing. I am a smoker, if he asked me to quit for the good of our relationship, I would. He is more important to me than my bad habit that I formed a long time ago. We are now starting to work on the problem. He won't talk about the p*rn, but he is starting to talking about what he doesn't like about our relationship and what he wants us to work on... it's a start.

[kheserthorpe]

Keep pushing on that. What's hard to know right now is if p*rn is an escape valve for his sex drive that he's pulled back from you for other reasons, or if fixation on p*rn is impacting his sexuality in other ways. Good luck, and don't let things just drift.

[toouglytobeloved]

"guys will be guys" we don't look at p*rn to hurt a girl, he says he is too tired to have sex with you, give the guy a break, I don't remember reading anything in this about you riding him (girl on top) , I suggest trying that

[confusedgirl33]

So sorry I didn't go into every detail. Yes, I ride him, I suck him, I rub him, I lick him, bite hi, pull hair, scratch his back and whatever. I am a tiger in bed I get the occasional "I'm tired" but every time I try to start something up. It is to the point that we have sex ONLY when he wants it. I give him sex when I really don't want it, because I know how I feel when he turns me down. Why would I want to make someone that I love feel that way. once a week vs his 6 masturbating or more

[sammy67]

Let the men what their p*rn as long as he's not cheating with an actual woman it's fine

[confusedgirl33]

He can have his p*rn but don't ignore me in the process or turn me down because he would rather have his p*rn. I am not going to sit by with a smile on my face when he would rather touch himself than touch me. You can have that kind of relationship but I don't

[sammy67]

He's doing that ? Now that's a problem I would be mad to if someone did that to me

[kickstand9]

Join him in looking at p*rn.

[echoaj]

Maybe you should masturbate to guy p*rn and say you are too tired when he asks for sex. Who knows maybe he will start paying attention to you a bit more often if he sees you having fun with some 2d guys. ;)

[GoldCobra]

When a guy watches a lot of p*rn and jerks off to it excessively, he will crave it more and more to the point where he can only get off by watching it and not by touching you. It gets worse too, his appeals will completely transform into kinky stuff. So now "normal" p*rn will not even satisfy him. Do you see what I'm saying? BUT if he stops for about 4 days or so without jerking off (which is so hard to do in his current situation) he will return to his normal self like when you guys had sex three times a day as u said. Trust me, once he stops p*rn, his sex drive will increase so much he will want u.

[funnyguy123]

I watched my very first p*rn movie at the age of 13 and gradually ended up getting addicted to p*rn =/ when I became addicted to p*rn I was watching it and thinking about it every chance I got and masturbating a lot too. This was back in the day before internet and I had a verrry large collection of pornographic vhs tapes. I tried several times to stop watching p*rn but I just couldn't stop watching/thinking about p*rn. No matter how hard I tried to stop I just couldn't. Then one day I asked Jesus Christ to forgive me of my sins and to come into my life and I instantly no longer needed p*rn/masturbation in my life. I've been a different person ever since! You and you're husband should watch a movie called "Fireproof" it deals with this topic and is a really good movie! So speaking as a former p*rn addict it is possible to change so that ALL of his affection will be towards you instead of some girls on a computer it will take effort on his part. He needs to want to change.

[Anonymous]

You're asking the wrong question. The problem is yours, not his. It is you who needs to change (get past your irrational aversion to p*rn).

[confusedgirl33]

If you took the time to read my question you would see that I don't have a problem with p*rn... I have a problem that he would rather watch p*rn, masturbate, than do me. So, you wouldn't care if your girlfriend/wife kept turning you down for sex, time and time again, then come to find out that she is taking care of herself while watching p*rn? That wouldn't bug you that she prefers her hand over your touch? OK, whatever dude.

[Opinion Owner]

You're right, I did not read your question thoroughly. I've just read so many anti-p*rn questions that I assumed yours was the same. My bad. I agree with you and I'm sorry you're going through that.