Sexual Relationships
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My girlfriend says she can't promise that she won't become a lesbian. What do I say back to her?

Ok, so my bisexual girlfriend and I have agreed that she can have a sexual experience with another girl as she has never had a sexual experience with another girl before (even though I haven't either). Last night I asked her a question: Me: "Can you promise me that you won't become a lesbian?" Girlfriend: "I will try but I can't promise anything." What does this mean for our relationship and our sexual relationship? I am worried that she is going to get with this girl and after, expect us to still have a relationship without a sexual relationship. Also, at the moment our sexual relationship isn't at it's best as she is rarely in the mood for sex. I am worried that this might be the cause of her wanting to experiment with another girl. Do I try to make her realise that this may risk our relationship collapsing? Is it wrong that she gets to have a sexual experience with another girl and I don't? We have been together for 4 years and for the first time ever I really don't know what to say to her. Please help!
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Most Helpful Girls

  • Here is the thing: your girlfriend isn't going to "become" a lesbian due to experiencing sex with a girl. She either is a lesbian or isn't a lesbian, and all her experience with a girl is going to do is help her figure out which it is. So if she is a lesbian, she already is one, and she (and you) may as well find out sooner rather than later.

    If she has sex with a girl and realizes that she prefers it, then yes, that will (or, uh, certainly SHOULD) end your relationship. But that is as it should be. You deserve to be with someone who is devoted to you and appreciates you and is, well, attracted to your gender. If that's not this girl, then your relationship never had a purpose anyway, and you may as well learn the truth so that you can move on and find the person who is right for you.

    Do I try to make her realise that this may risk our relationship collapsing?
    - Does she not realize this already? And what is the point of protecting a relationship that may not be right anyway? My advice is, don't hold her back out of fear of losing her. In the long run, that won't help either of you.

    Is it wrong that she gets to have a sexual experience with another girl and I don't?
    - Now THIS is the question. And it depends entirely on how YOU feel and what YOU want and feel comfortable with. If you are okay with this, then it's not wrong. But if you're not okay with it, then it's not right for you to be in a situation where that's happening. If it bothers you to think of your girlfriend having sex with other people, of either gender (which is a normal and reasonable thing to be bothered by), then this is something you will need to stand up for yourself about. If you want to have a monogamous relationship, then you have every right to ask for that and you should find a girl who wants that as well. But it sounds like that may not be this girl.

    Do what is right for you.

  • Hold on tight. (TL:DR at bottom)

    This is, quite likely, the make or break point for your relationship.

    The sexual frequency of your relationship going down.. Her desire to experiment with a girl.. this is all tied together.

    At this point, you can't stop her, it's too late. You said yes, she wants it, and to take it back, if it doesn't cause an outright breakup.. it will fill her with so much resentment..

    So.. She tries girls.. then what happens?

    She might really like it, and much prefer it over guys.. and well, this will either lead to splitsville.. or, possibly an open relationship.

    She might find out she doesn't like being with a girl as much as she thought she would, and, having explored this and getting it out of her system, comes back to you "all in" and things will be better then before. Her doubts of "who" she is, put to rest.

    As for making her realise that this might collapse your relationship.. She knows.. but I think, for her, this more a crisis of self.. and until she knows who she really is, nothing will be stable anyways.

    Is it wrong? No, not really. If you wanted to experiment with a guy, and she wouldn't let you, that would be unfair. That being said, if she has her fun, likes it, stays with you, but still wants to step out.. this becomes a discussion point. 3somes? open relationship.. if you are going to stay in the mental/emotional relationship, you need to feel ok with the sexual part, whether that is her only being with you, or it being open for both..

    TL:DR

    She is having a crisis of self.
    This more about her, then you.
    Until she knows who she is, she can't make any promises.
    It is too late to stop her without breaking up.

  • Personally I think it takes a lot to be capable of handling a partner who is bisexual AND who wants to act it out while you yourself is straight. I wouldn't be able to take on such a relationship personally. It would be too much of a concern for me because I'd keep questioning how happy the other person really is in the relationship and I wouldn't feel good enough. If I were you I'd strongly reconsider the entire relationship. You'll constantly have to compete because deep down the sheer reality is that she is attracted to guys and girls. So basically you're only satisfying half the deal for her. I'd much rather want a partner who I can satisfy in most if not all ways. Even if the hook up with another girl is only a one time thing that doesn't change that secretly she's constantly still going to feel like something is missing. Her not being in the mood for sex as it is is such a big warning sign. This is basically the most direct way of her saying you're not enough for her anymore and that she needs a girl to feel sexually heightened. My answer is yes, you should try to make her realize that this going to risk the relationship but concerning whether it's wrong. Per say I don't think it's wrong as you did give her permission to go satisfy herself somewhere else but my problem with this is that one time is not going be enough for her. It's not like her sexuality can switch on and off. You need to decide if you're really OK With all of this deep down.

  • You made a very large mistake in agreeing to "let" her have a sexual experience with another girl. Cheating is cheating, and it doesn't matter what gender the other party is. In a monogamous relationship, you two should only be getting sexual with one another. Why did you agree to this knowing that she has feelings for both men and women?

    Fact is, you opened a big can of worms with this one... She can't randomly "turn into a lesbian" but she can certainly develop feelings for this other woman and leave you in the cold. Since she has attraction to both men and women, I don't see this as any different than her hooking up with another man. And it sounds, at least in my opinion, like she must not be all that serious about being in a monogamous relationship with you either way. Because I don't know about anybody else, but when I'm with someone, they're the only one I want and the only one I plan to be intimate with.

    Maybe the relationship is ready extremely damaged and this is going to out the nail in the coffin... I don't know because I don't know the typical dynamics of your relationship. All I can suggest is that you sit down and tell her how and why you're bothered and see how she responds.

  • I think you shouldn't have allowed her. It's sort of nice of you since she think she's bisexual but in the end, it's still a boundary she'll be crossing.
    I know that my boyfriend would allow me to have sex with another girl but it's a fantasy of his and he knows I'm 100% straight. She might be bisexual and if she finds out she's more at ease with a girl than with you, you will have a problem.

Most Helpful Guys

  • Assuming this is a serious question - she's not going to "turn" lesbian. She will only discover what her orientation has always been. In that sense, you've nothing to be worried about because it was going to happen sooner than later (that she would learn this about herself) and it's always better to learn sooner.

    I'm sure she knows that her relationship with you is at stake. She's still willing to see if this is something she needs to do. I think you need to accept that this relationship may be over, but that that is not necessarily a bad thing. What man wants to marry a closeted lesbian?

  • Hmmm...this one's probably not going to end up well, I'm sorry to say.

    Well, it's not technically "wrong" of her to do this since you've given her your blessing. In my opinion though, what you've done here is you've given her your blessing to cheat on you. In my book, it doesn't matter if she wants to sleep with another man or another woman...cheating is cheating. Simple as that.

    If I were you I'd tell her that you thought it over and you're not comfortable with it. It was pretty clear to me just by reading your post that you're not cool with this anymore.

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What Girls & Guys Said

2 7

  • ask her for a threesome. bro you have a jackpot potential sitting right next to you. don't blow this , or ill kick you in the nuts!!!

    • The other girl is a lesbian, I doubt that a threesome will be successful.

    • at least try , for the sake of your fellow men

  • What do you say back to her?

    "It's been fun and a pleasure knowing you, but bye."

  • You should leave now. It doesn't sound very good at all, she isn't in the mood for sex, she wants sex with another girl, and she says she can't promise she won't turn lesbian, and you agreed to let her do it (why?).

  • bring her girl at home and Do the threesome then.
    Seriously, U can't do anything, You can stop the river's flow but not one single person with fetish desire.

  • People who are unsure about their sexuality really should not be using their partners as test subjects. Or should even be dating. There are other ways to discover yourself without the risk of hurting someone emotionally. Honestly. If they HAVE to screw someone to find out, they should just "hook up" instead.

  • Good bye. Let her be free to explore her ambiguous sexuality with someone else.

  • It's different of you going with another girl to her. For one your straight and for two would you care if she wanted to sleep with another man you should be happy it's a girl she wants to sleep with not a man

  • nothing wrong to find out the truth

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