Virginity and Slutiness - Two Concepts I Can Live Without.

This isn't supposed to be a rant and I hope it doesn't read like one. It's more like me thinking out loud. See I've been hooked on this site since I found it and I've noticed a lot of questions and answers regarding virginity and/or sluttiness which is something that's always bothered me. Not so much the words but the concepts behind them. I just think they're archaic remnants of a culture obsessed with purity and Victorian morals in a more enlightened age.

For starters, I don't see anything useful in making the distinction between virgins and non-virgins. Sure sex can be a big step in your life but so is getting your driver's license, graduating school and owning your first home but we don't attribute any special significance to those. I think the concept of virginity doesn't really have a place in modern society. All it really does in practice is to stigmatize people based on their sexual experience. For a guy being a virgin past a certain age can be a source of ridicule. For a woman not being a virgin can lead to alienation as well.

The whole concept of virginity seems to suggest something is taken away or even stolen. But what is really lost? You're still the same person you always were. Whether you've had sex or not doesn't make you less or more of a person. And while some decide to save themselves for the right person in order to make it special (as is their right if they so choose), the very idea of virginity suggests the viewing of sex as a commodity, as something to be used for barter, something finite. Instead of an expression of love it becomes something that should not be "given up" to someone. If the first didn't mean anything or it was bad it can still be just as special in the future. Sex isn't a tangible object and it makes no sense to allude to it as such. Virginity looks at sex through the wrong end of the telescope. It's a negative way of viewing a positive thing.

Now "slut" is a concept I like even less. It's a fun word though and I admit to saying it a lot, just with inanimate objects instead of people. It's derogatory to women but if my computer starts giving me error messages it's "slutty". But the concept needs to go.

I have a very liberal attitude towards female sexuality. It's beautiful in the same way art or music is to me. I'm not personally bothered at all at the thought of female "promiscuity" and I have no loss of respect for women who have had many previous sexual partners. I want a women who knows what she likes and is confident and unashamed of her sexuality, I respect that. I don't care if she's slept with other people, I care if she can hold faithfully to a relationship with me.

I feel like I'm missing something here because unlike most men a woman's sexual history doesn't matter that much to me. Women are sexual creatures just like us and I acknowledge and love it. They have wants and needs and desires not unlike ours. Labeling women serves only to shame them. It causes them to repress their emotions and that's just not healthy. In fact it's almost oppressive in my eyes.

Am I the only one who thinks it's very sad that some women go their whole lives without having one orgasm or even feeling any sexual pleasure at all? While humankind is able explore the bottom of the sea or the surface of the moon we have yet scientifically pinpoint the causes of female desire and attraction.

I just don't understand this sexual double standard we seem to have as men. We're almost expected to have an insatiable sexual appetite and we pride ourselves in our sexual conquests. And of course we all want that girl who is willing to do ANYTHING in bed, and do it well. A virgin with the skills of a porn star. Yet the thought of women behaving as we do and unleashing their sexuality disgusts us? For us a notch on the bedpost is a badge of honour but for women it's a humiliating stain on her reputation? I just don't understand that mentality.

There still exist in the world cultures where "honour killings" take place. I read a news story of one woman who was murdered by members of her own family so as not to besmirch the family's good name. She was found in a shallow grave in the garden buried alive. Her crime? She was caught talking to boys.

Now while that is far, far more extreme then the North American culture I live in, my point is that it has it's roots in the same place. In a narrow and possessive view of women's sexuality. In the name of an unfair and irrational notion of purity which comes from the view that sex is something that is dirty and dishonorable. Our fear of female sexual expression is relic of past repression that has no place in the 21st century. We've come so far as a society, why not lose this concept and encourage women to be themselves.

While I'm at a stage of life where having kids is not on the agenda, if I ever do I have children I want to make sure they grow up with a healthy perception of sex. That it's a natural and wholesome thing that's an innate part of us and to attach shame to it is wrong.
For me it was an area that caused a great deal of confusion and guilt when I was growing up as a Catholic and I wouldn't do that to someone else. When I left the religion it was a liberating feeling and it really made me feel better about myself.

I'm not trying to push any set of religious beliefs on anyone but I just want to people, girls in particular to have that same sense of freedom and to be able to put aside the embarrassment and shame and learn to love their bodies. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that women in our society are unfairly held to a more prudish standard than men. I think they should be encouraged to explore ,experience and play without interference just like boys (in a safe manner of course).

I think women have the right not to be kept in the dark about their anatomy and things like birth control. And they ought to be able to pursue casual sex or FWB relationships if they choose to without fear of being labeled a slut. I truly believe that sex is what we make of it and while it definitely can be the ultimate expression of mutual, monogamous love I also think it can be viewed and enjoyed as a good thing purely in and of itself. Men enjoy it as such all the time and perhaps women would too if they weren't afraid of being labeled.
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Most Helpful Guy

  • The big mistake in your take is I feel you really lack understanding the other person point of view. To you, sex is nothing serious, its fun, and lets you explore etc...

    You need to understand people have different point of view. You call sex ''art'' and I respect your decision. But to me, sex is more important. Its not about religion, but its something special that I really wanna share with someone that I love, not that I met 2hrs ago in a club.

    And you need to respect the fact that if a virgin would be turn off by someone who slept with 5+ people, he/she has the right to.

    I would be turn off by someone who slept with more than 3 guys. Now, if I had slept with a tons of girl, that would be insanely hypocrite. But I didn't.

    And im not expecting her to be as good as a p*rnstar like you mentioned, your just making generalisation.

    The big problem with our society is the double standard.

    A guy that slept with 10+ girls is ''manly'', guys should ''envy'' him.
    But a girl is a slut, a whore.

    Same for a guy whos 20 and virgin (like me). He is almost considered a loser, a kid that will never be a real man until he slept with someone.

    But a 20yo virgin girl would be more considered like a girl who take her time, respect her body etc...

    Your not right, and im not either. Its not right or wrong. Its just different perception. I see a girl that slept with 5+ different guy more ''slutty'', you call her someone whos just ''exploring her body''. You are right to think that, and im right too, since we dont give sex the same importance.

    The only thing you need to remember is that people thinks differently. And you can't force someone not to judge a girl that slept with 10+ people, because for you its right.

    Just like I won't force you to believe she's a slut neither.

    Think about that :)

Most Helpful Girl

  • What a wonderfully articulated article. I also wonder why a woman's sexuality is so scrutinized. Having sex does not negate compassion, intelligence, or integrity.

    It is sad that people, not just men, feel the need to oppress a woman from expressing her sexuality with honesty. Why are sexual women so threatening?

    Granted, there are people of both genders who use sex for reasons besides pleasure or intimacy, and it can be unhealthy. But if she's healthy and safe - what does it hurt? Kudos!

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • by the way "virgin" just means "new" or "fresh" like how viegin snow has yet to be stepped in. And I view "slut" as a compliment since a slut is a person (MAN or woman) who has had a lot of partners sexually and def has gotten laid a lot. Also there's this concept of "second virginity" I think people should take a look at it

  • I love this article and I posted it to my Facebook page. It's feminist and had a progressive way of thinking, I think. I like the sex-positive attitude.

  • Great article. But somehow I thought. Wouldn't it be tragic if some girl from some primitive Middle Easter or African culture read this, went back to her village and followed your advice.. It's really important to note that this sort of forward thinking is unfortunately only accepted in areas of the world that are more developed. Not even areas of the world; heck, even states in this country! Not every part of the U.S. is living in year 2010.

  • Thanks for this article, it's very thoughtful and well written. It makes me incredibly sad how judgmental and close-minded people here are. I've definitely noticed that a lot of people seem to believe in a virgin/slut dichotomy.

    Delahatesyou commented about the number of single moms and STDs, but fails to realize that teen pregnancy/STDs are most common in places that teach abstinence only. God forbid us "liberal idiots" strive to instill knowledge instead of fear.

  • Great article!

  • 100% yes. Could not have said this any better

  • Lessening the act of sex to nothing more than obtaining a drivers license means life is cheap. I choose to view it as something sacred an act of bonding unparalleled.

  • Virgin originally meant "unmarried goddess" and later was used to refer to a single woman by Romans so "virginal" meant available that's it! ... until the Christians got a hold of the word that is :s
    "“The word ‘virgin’ did not originally mean a woman whose vagina was untouched by any penis, but a free woman, one not betrothed, not bound to, not possessed by any man. It meant a female who is sexually and hence socially her own person. "

  • I think this is a very good point. I don't see what's wrong with people having sex as long as they r well educated and I think it is something people should feel free to do more often. And in order for them to b well educated, we need to change our mentality like u mentioned.

  • love this! I was raised roman catholic, yet something in me never wanted to save myself for marriage. since losing my virginity at 19, two years after I left the church, I have discovered a whole realm of sexual experiences, and am still discovering. so what if someone thinks I'm a slut? to me a slut is a woman who has taken charge of her sexuality. power to the sluts!

  • No don't get me wrong. If you want to save it for marriage I don't have any problems with that. I don't have anything against virginity itself. All I'm trying to say is that people shouldn't feel alienated if they want to do otherwise. It's just the stigmatizing CONCEPTS of "virgin" and "slut" that I'm against because they make people feel bad about themselves. I'm not trying to push a lifestyle on anyone I'm just saying we should learn to live and let live, you know?

  • I loved this article! More people should think like this!

  • This article made me sigh a HUGE sigh of relief that there are guys out there with a good head on them. Thank you for writing this. I myself ave not had many sexual partners, I've been with one guy for a long time now, but I definitely wouldn't want to be viewed as shameful or a "slut" if I had sex with multiple people. It's degrading and it's about time a GUY agreed with girls on this issue. :)

  • This was a well needed breathe of fresh air on here!

    It's awesome to be reminded that some people are actuallly open minded.

  • Nothing useful in distinguishing between virgins and non virgins? Oh wow. Seriously? You're right. Big deal. I've never "been with" a virgin and I have no longings or regrets.

    Personally as a guy I saw it, losing my virginity as, wow I finally had sex at last. Very excited.

    But that's a personal thing. Whether anyone else is would be none of my business and only of interest to them. But in a sexually charged world it's hard to remember this I suppose.

  • i wish more people thought like you!

  • Excellent, excellent article.

  • I loved this :] I can't even express how amazing it was to read. I think you expressed that of what I've always thought.

  • I must be an idiot. I don't understand a word of this.

  • nice article, the irony is that men label them sluts if they have sexual freedom, but then they whine on how girls are so hard to get etc. The morehis label is used, the more women fear of having sex. Some pople talk about stds and single moms, but the thing is that you can have sexual freedom & prudence, you don't have to hook up with random strangers, instead you can get into FWB in a kind of selective way, also I think that goverment can help by making stds more accesible and promote them.

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