Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
For many, sex is the ultimate double-edged sword in life.
On the one hand, it can be one of the most satisfying things on the planet; on the other, it can be rife with pitfalls, the worst of which toy with your mind and affect your confidence and ego. It's an extraordinarily complex subject, and it's no surprise that we see so many sexual questions here on GirlsAskGuys. That's why we like to, from time to time, take some of your questions (along with a few of our own) to the experts. Last month, we got some wonderfully candid and helpful responses from Dr. Logan Levkoff and now, it's Dr. Emily Morse's turn.
She's a doctor of Human Sexuality and currently the host of the #1 rated sexuality podcast on iTunes, Sex with Emily. Her popular website contains plenty of information, including helpful trending posts, and you can see that her advice has been featured in multiple publications, including The New York Times, Men's Health, Cosmopolitan, CNN, Glamour and Today. She was nice enough to answer GaG's burning sex questions and as expected, she came straight at us with her answers.
Sexologists don't beat around the bush...that would defeat the purpose, would it not? ;)
1. What exactly is a "sexologist" and what is the #1 false assumption people make about your job?
Emily: I’m going to start with the second part of the question first, because it’s the most common misunderstanding I deal with. Most people assume that with a show like 'Sex With Emily' that I am literally having sex with listeners - or everyone!
In reality, sexologists are highly-trained professionals who help individuals or couples through education or therapy.
In my case, through my show and writing, I educate people with advice on their sex and relationship issues.
2. Timing is everything, and a lot of guys would like to know "when to escalate;" i.e., the right time to make a sexual move...?
Emily: This is such a popular question from men, and while I can’t give you a precise number of minutes or days that will guarantee success, I can tell you this: the sooner you let her know, the better. This doesn’t mean as soon as you see her across the room, it means as soon as you’ve authentically connected.
Let’s say you’re on a first date, this means you’ve both agreed to spend some time together to see if there’s a connection. The first date is the most important time to establish that you’re not looking for a friend but you find her sexually attractive. Many guys let their fear of rejection get in the way of expressing their attraction and then end up in the dreaded friend zone. This is why it’s key to learn how to express your attraction without being the creepy guy.
Practice making eye contact while you’re talking to her. This doesn’t come naturally for a lot of people but it is the key to building intimacy, comfort and connection. Practice touching her in ways that are not ambiguous but still tasteful so she’s know your interested. For instance, placing a hand lightly on her knee or arm or holding her hand as your walking will let her know that she’s not making a new friend. Finally making sure she is comfortable is the most important thing, does she trust you? Are you genuinely interested in what she has to say? When a woman feels in her zone she’s more likely to open up.
3. Rather than the standard "does size matter?" question, let's get a different spin on it: Do you think men or women or more worried about this?
Emily: I’ve been hosting my podcast Sex With Emily for over 10 years, answering thousands of questions from men and women and I can tell you for certain that men are way more concerned about their penis size than women. Is it too big? Too small? What if it curves a little to the right? Whenever there’s a penis-related question, it almost always comes from the man behind the member.
I can’t emphasize this enough: women are way less concerned with what you’re packing as long as you know how to use it.
The thing we really care about is having an orgasm, and seeing as both the clitoris and the G-spot reside within 2-3 inches of the vaginal opening… It doesn’t take a big tool to get our motors running.
4. Most men seem to think they need no help in this area. What's your response to someone who simply says, "nah, I got this"?
Emily: Assuming this is about sex, let me assure you—the men who are saying “nah, I got this” are the ones I say:
Buddy, you’re NEVER done learning about sex.
My first question for the guy who think they have it all figured out would be, “Does your partner frequently orgasm during sex?” The second, “Does she orgasm at all?” In a recent study, somewhere around 85% of men said they believed their partner had an orgasm the last time they had sex; sadly only 64% of the women reported actually reaching the Big O. What this tells me is that the majority of men still don’t quite have this in the bag, even if they think they know what they’re doing.
While sex itself may be a natural act, GOOD sex is more of an acquired skill. You don’t immediately launch into puberty knowing how to be a good lover—It takes time, practice, an understanding of the male and female anatomy, and a little communication never hurt either. Even if you know what goes where, so to speak, there are always new techniques and new positions to learn.
5. A lot of girls are saying they sometimes feel pressured into anal sex. What's your take on this, and do you think this is a result of the abundance of porn?
Emily: A recent study showed that the majority of guys DO believe that what they see in porn is 'realistic.' Given the abundance of on-screen backdoor action being absorbed, it makes sense that this is where a lot of the desire for anal sex comes from. As a result, women are being pressured into it - which is NEVER a good thing. Anal sex can be very pleasurable, but it takes a serious understanding - and a lot of lube - to do it where both partners can enjoy it.
In porn, they don’t show the preparation, the lubrication, the slow approach that it really takes to be comfortable with anal penetration - they cut right to the moaning. This unrealistic portrayal leads to false expectations, and worse yet, painful experiences and resentment.
6. How do you keep the spark going in a long-term relationship? In other words, can the sex be just as great in year 10 as it is in year 1?
Sex can absolutely be as good, if not better, than it was in the beginning, as long as you both are putting in the effort to keep things hot. Of course it won’t be as easy and effortless as it was at the start of your relationship (they don’t call it the honeymoon phase for nothing!).
But if you’re prioritizing your sex life, keeping the communication honest and open, and are willing to try new things, there’s no reason couples can’t enjoy a full and satisfying sex life, no matter how long they’ve been together.
For example, most couples who feel they’ve lost the spark have probably just lost the ability to communicate their needs and desires with each other. They may feel embarrassed to bring up something new to their long-term partner for fear of judgement. In reality, your partner probably has just as many hidden desires as you do. Don’t be afraid to open up, but do so in a way that feels safe to you.
Try this exercise. Ask your partner to write down their “bucket list” of sexual fantasies, and you do the same. Agree that nothing is off limits and there should be NO fear of rejection. The goal is to get closer - and maybe try something new you didn’t realize you both wanted all along.
7. The female orgasm is another hot topic; many girls would like hints for achieving multiple orgasms, for example. And men would like to know how to GIVE multiple orgasms. Thoughts?
Multiple orgasms can be pretty elusive because they require a mix of patience, practice and mindset. The trick is to stay connected with your body, both mentally and physically, even after the first orgasm. If you start feeling impatient or overwhelmed, there’s a chance you could miss the mark entirely, so it’s important to focus on what your body is experiencing, rather than what’s going through your mind.
Deep breathing can be a great tool for helping you to stay present. If you’re having trouble being in the moment, try to pay attention to your breath as it moves in and out. This will help relax and expand your pleasure potential. Deep breaths also flood your body with oxygen so your nervous system can do its job, increasing the amount of pleasure your brain can process.
It also helps to know your way around the clitoris, as this is how most women are able to orgasm. After the first climax, you may notice that the clitoris feels sensitive to the touch—This is normal. Take a break from directly stimulating that hot spot and try rubbing the area around the clitoris instead, varying the position, pressure and speed of your strokes. You may want to do this for anywhere between 30 to 60 seconds, until you feel ready to go back in for number two.
Remember that your partner may not have multiple O’s the first time you try it—you may not even have them the 10th time! Patience is key if you want to reach the multi-orgasmic mecca, and the more pressure you put on yourself or your partner, the lower your chances of getting there will be.
Eventually it will happen, so don’t worry about the destination and try to enjoy the whole journey.
8. Is "normal" sexuality just a myth? Do we all have kinks, fetishes, and other sexual idiosyncrasies, even if we don't admit it?
There is no such thing as ‘normal” when it comes to sex. The only constant in sex is that everyone experiences it differently - from what they want to what feels good to them. It’s important to really understand what I’m saying here, because the sooner you can embrace your uniqueness and empower yourself to accept what feels good as YOUR “normal,” the closer you’ll be to a more fulfilling sex life.
End Interview
We'd like to thank Dr. Emily Morse for her time because let's face it, sex is not only a popular topic here at GaG, it's a popular - and critical - topic throughout humanity. There's no reason to run the other direction or play the denial game, nor is there any call of boasting or posturing. The sooner we accept that we can always learn more in the realm of love, the sooner everyone will be a whole lot happier in the sack. ;)
For more on Dr. Emily, follow her on Facebook, Twitter and YouTube.
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