Sexual Health
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9 Things You Should Never Say To A Sexual Abuse Survivor

9 Things You Should Never Say To A Sexual Abuse Survivor

"Why didn't you run?"

It's very simple to say this to a sexual abuse survivor if you have not been in their shoes. You don't know the circumstances they were in while being abused. You don't know if they were threatened or how young they were or any other circumstance. Most sexual abuse survivors freeze, are very young, are held down, drugged, scared for their life, don't know how to escape, and/or are unconscious. There is no way to magically get out of an abuse situation.

"Why didn't you report them?"

There are many reasons why sexual abuse survivors don't report their abuse. Age can factor into this. If you are a child or even a teen and an adult threatens your life you will most likely believe them. They may be a parent or relative and you have no idea how to handle it. You may not even know the assailant. You may not even realize it happened in enough time to report it (if you were drugged). You may think you did something wrong. And not to mention a trial is lengthy and makes the healing process much worse. How would you feel if you have to be in front of a crowd of people through a trial and have someone pick apart who you are as a person?

"So you aren't a virgin anymore?"

I'm still a virgin. It does not matter what happened against my will when I was a child. I have never had sex willing, so yes, I am a virgin. Being raped or molested does not make you any less "pure" sexually as any other person. You didn't want it, it does not count.

9 Things You Should Never Say To A Sexual Abuse Survivor

"You were so young, are you sure it wasn't a dream?"

This does not apply to some people who have experienced sexual abuse, but it does to me so I want to include it. Why would a three year old dream of such a thing? How would a little girl who was five even know about something like this? Why would a little kid know what a penis looked like? Ask yourself that, that answers your question.

"It's over though, why does it still bother you?"

For many of those who suffer sexual abuse, it will NEVER be over. Does not matter if it happened yesterday or 50 years ago, it still happened and it changes you forever. It is like getting a tattoo and wondering why it is still on your skin years later. In my experience, I have tried to get over it, but it can still come in horrible waves back to me.

"So you're gay because you were assaulted?"

I don't struggle with this, but I know other do. You do not magically become a different sexuality because someone assaulted you. You are born with your sexuality and it is completely ignorant and rude to assume that someone is a certain sexuality because of what happened to them.

9 Things You Should Never Say To A Sexual Abuse Survivor

"You're a man, why didn't you act like one?"

Obviously, I have never been asked this, but I know that sometimes men have to go through this. ANYONE can be raped. Just because you are a man does not mean you are immune. We live in such a society in which men are supposed to be "manly men," but getting raped or assaulted in any way does not make you any less of a man. If anything the person who did that to you is a monster and less of a man (if they were a man).

"Well you dressed like a slut, what do you expect?"

You could be dressed as a nun and still be raped. You are a horrible person if you blame someone for being raped by their choice of clothing. Women should be allowed to wear what they want and live their lives without the fear of being raped. I know rape still happens and will always happen, but you should in no way blame it on clothing.

"But it's just like if I had a bunch of diamonds on and I walked through a bad neighborhood, so it's kinda your fault, you know that right?"

9 Things You Should Never Say To A Sexual Abuse Survivor

Oh I'm sorry? Was I supposed to remove my vagina and put on a strapon?? I should not be shamed for just being a woman. What the actual fuck? What if I have a late shift and am just trying to walk home? What if a man breaks into my house? What if I'm minding my own business and jogging?

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR RAPE. PERIOD.

Life After Sexual Assault:

It can be hard as hell. I've had my highs and lows and it has definitely affected me sexually. Sometimes when I think about sex I get disgusted and want to never think about it again. I go through periods in which I don't think about it at all and periods where it haunts me. I've attempted suicide multiple times and tried to numb myself with pills. But for those of you who are reading this that have suffered from abuse, I want you to know that there is hope. Even though it sometimes is a dark cloud in my life, I am still happy. I'm focused and determined on my future. I'm focused on defining myself as more than a sexual abuse survivor with a shitty past. Through the years I have discovered that I'm not an object to be abused and I can take control of my life. And I want to let whoever is in the depths of this hell know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

If any of you who have suffered from this want to chat, feel free to message me :)

National Sexual Abuse Hotline: Call 1-800-656-4673

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Reminds me of the mytake i wrote two months back about rape and people asking "why didn't you fight back?"
    These kinds of traumas are already difficult enough to deal with by itself and when people ask these kind of questions it makes you start doubting yourself all over again just when you thought things were getting better.
    The "what were you wearing?" question irritates the shit out of me, I was raped DESPITE my so called "friend" at the time was wearing nothing but a tshirt and panties while I was fully dressed. And she was fucking my rapist willingly (they were hooking up), and he could have her all he wanted yet he decided to rape me anyway, someone who made it clear that they didn't want to. So CLEARLY clothing had nothing to do with this.

    Sadly its incredibly hard for people who haven't gone through something like sexual abuse or rape to actually understand how it could all happen, go on, and go unreported, many just close mindedly think in a little box and don't think any further. It is really not that simple.

    Anyways, life goes on, what happened comes back to haunt me every now and then, worse at my bad days, Im happy most of the time but I know its never going to leave me. I try to inform ignorant people about why rape victims can barely do anything and why it is not their fault instead of crying for pity. It feels better when they come to an understanding and stop asking stupid questions that only hurts victims.
    So amazing take, spreading awareness is important. 👏🏽 And also yes girl we are more than just sexual abuse and rape survivors, it doesn't define us.

    • I'm very sorry that happened to you, but judging from all you wrote you are a good an example of how to overcome it all. I couldnt have said it better myself

Most Helpful Guy

  • With any person who has suffered abuse you never 'say anything'

    Rather, you actively listen and really hear while you support in every way possible

    i say this for the feelings are so deeply rooted that it becomes a bit like grief in regards to a feeling that is unique to the individual

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • Very true indeed. I have spoken to sexual abuse survivors and it is not what everybody expects. Every situation is different. But one thing I can never stand with people or professional counselors if any that do, is when they believe you should behave like everybody else and have sex or be in a relationship. And I say it like this. It is best to wait, than force yourself to be in the same situation that your body will FOREVER remember of the trauma. This is not something that heals over night, or just within a few months/years. Yes things take time, but the emotional and invisible scars will always be there to haunt you.

    You are a virgin in both mind, body and spirit. The physical part of you may not be, but that doesn't mean that you aren't innocent. That was NEVER you fault or intentions. In many situations a person is petrified their body literally cannot move. It is a fight or flight situation. People these days are so evil, immature and perverse in their way of thinking they don't care who get's hurt or die. People will laugh even when a person has been sexual assaulted and say the most dumbest things as if the victim 'enjoyed' being violated or god forbid left for dead if the sex was rough and they are nearly bleeding to death. In every situation when I answer questions for rape victims, I always tell them to wait until they are married with a person who will wait and love them in a secure relationship, because most people outside of marriage will never understand or are too sexually selfish to hold out which is not fair to the victim themselves. Plus the body will react in such situations, and therapy doesn't always help. It is not a physical issue. It is a mental, emotional, and psychologically problem and spiritual as well. It is extremely serious and no matter what people may thing or believe, sexual abuse and assault of ANY kind is a CRIME.

  • probably the best take i've read all week, i remembered a few things i didn't want to but its all ok, the only thing that's left is how to deal with the assailant after they've been released from prison lol

    would be great if you could make a take for dealing with being traumatized too, if you haven't already

    • This my first take but i'll definitely try

  • If you were sexually abused you may not want to read this...
    Not exactly sure how to say this so I will just say it.

    I have been with over six dozen women. A few of them have told me they were sexually abused when they were young. Those women were the wildest lovers of them all and all excelled at giving oral sex. I am convinced there is a connection with being sexually molested at a young age and the effect it still has on their minds. This was obvious to me when I would watch them suck my cock. It somehow made me think they were trying to get past an insecurity thing by how intense they would do it. Not sure how to explain it any better. Hope this does not offend anyone.

    • That is something very psychological and it has absolutely nothing to do with how sexual they were. But how bound they are by the chains of sex. They don't call in sexual ABUSE for nothing. Their body and minds are responding to how they were raped, not how they wanted to please you and themselves sexually. There is a major difference.

    • @btbc92 My point is I have noticed a similarity with women who were sexually abused early in life compared to women who did not have to live through it. Also, many prostitutes were abused as a child. It messes with their lives in many ways. I do not claim to be an expert in any way with this. I have seen first-hand what does to women when they become adults.

    • I know a girl who has been raped at least twice and she has an addiction to sex. She also has a hard time having sex with people she really likes and prefer doing it with strangers. She has also prostituted herself. So I can kind of agree with what you say. Their relationship to sex is different.

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  • Would you recommend counseling, I ask to see what would help with recovery. I myself was not abused, but somebody close to me was, and I want to do anything I can to help and to support ways which will help.

    • I would reccomend it but it didn't help me. With this kind of thing you need to find your own way to heal

    • What has been helping you, I can appreciate that it may not work for really anybody but you, I'm just trying to find ideas to help.

    • Sometimes you need to just purge it out. Cry, scream, whatever else. I think time more than anything else has helped me. Also excelling in school has helped me with my sense of worth. I think it is different for everyone

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  • Hi again! I was asked by my parents why I didn't say anything and why didn't I walk away the first time. I was threatened to get the shit beat out of me either way so I just said nothing for a year.

  • excellent take

  • As someone who went through this its all true. The nightmares the anxiety the fear are all there. I've struggled with the idea of whether or not I'm a virgin but I agree 100%

    • I'm sorry for you, and I haven't been trough what you've been but, as a lucid man can tell you, you are not a virgin. If you had a sexual contact you are not a virgin anymore, be it willing or unwilling. But hey, is that a real problem? NO, of course not. And more than that, are you afraid of having sex now? that would be a problem

    • @IZZIRO. Get raped and then tell me im not a virgin. Im not usually this harsh but with respect to this topic I am. Next time dont even bother to write to me. You are just a kid. You dont know shit

    • @IZZIRO you're not a man if you can judge a rape victem for being raped. Period.

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  • I hope you're receiving some kind of counseling. I'm terribly sorry you experienced this and I'm terribly sorry that people are leaving vile comments.

  • I don't really care whether you call yourself a virgin or not because virginity is unimportant to me and I this it should be unimportant to everybody. With that said, that's not how it works. You are not a virgin anymore. You have definitely lost your innocence AND you have been defiled. Does it mean you are dirty or worthless? Absolutely not! But telling someone who really cares about your virginity that you are in fact a virgin is just lying to them. If I lose an arm because someone attacked me with a chainsaw, I can't go around telling people I still have both arms...
    You should be looking for people who don't care.

    Also, while I don't want to blame victims, if there are precautions you can take to prevent it and you are careless or even reckless about it then even if it's still not your fault, you still could have done something to prevent it. If you go on a bike ride and get hit by a drunk driver, then it's the driver's fault for having hit you, but still, if you had worn a helmet, you wouldn't be dead.

    • Why are you commenting? Just to tell me Im a horrible defiled person? Stop shaming me and leave me alone.

    • I don't hate you. I don't judge you. I don't think you are a bad person. I just disagree with you on two points and I thought I would say why. I don't condone whatever happened to you. It must have been horrible and you have my sympathy. I never said you were a horrible person and I don't think you are "impure" or "defiled". All I am saying is that you are not a virgin anymore and that this part, after all, is really not important. I am not diminishing whatever happened to you. I am saying that not being a virgin is just as good as being a virgin. It's not important. You are a human being just as valuable as you were before. It didn't change that. I am not shaming you at all either. I don't know why you thought that. I mean, read it again with a fresh mind. I am not accusing or belittling you even once. All I am saying is that I disagree with you and why.

    • Really because saying I'm not a virgin is saying I wanted it. I'm not some slut, I was 3-5 years old. I dont know why you would even comment when you know you will just make me feel worse.

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  • There is a lot of things wrong with this. Anyone can get over their sexual abusive past if they learn to forgive, acknowledge what happened and atop playing victim.
    Noone knows if your born gay thats just what society says not science. We do know people of abusive pasts struggle with their sexuality and gender identity and transition or become gay i cam name a few people i know personally.
    Do the clothes you wear cause rape? No, but generally you are raped by someone you know. a lot of science is calling it a crime of passion vs doninance. Prison rapes are to do with dominance.
    I agree with some of this but much of it i dont.
    Im a rape survivor, was raped at 4 so as an adult i stopped feeling sorry for mysel and allowing thr person who raped me have power over my life.

    • "Even though it sometimes is a dark cloud in my life, I am still happy. I'm focused and determined on my future. I'm focused on defining myself as more than a sexual abuse survivor with a shitty past" reread this as far as your first point. People are born gay, one of the genes I can name of the top of my head is Xq28 from the X chromosome, and being gay is passed down maternally as well. If you like, I can link a peer reviewed article on the subject. And I don't feel sorry for myself, I wrote this to try to help others and if you didn't see it that way then okay, but that was what I was trying to do.

    • Psuedoscience and science aren't the same thing. Literally noonr knows. infact nueroscience said they were going to spend the next fuve year figuring it out. A study isn't a scientific concensus. But this wasn't the point. I didmt find this article helping but more drowning in self pity.

    • https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/7581447
      Its actual scientific research. And again, I was just trying to help people, if you think I'm drowning in self pity thats your opinion. I would think you would have some compassion but it really does not affect me whether you do or not.

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  • Mytake owner good on you for making this mytake there too many dead brain idiots out there when it comes to rape or sexual assault. www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a30288-why-both-genders-need-to-be-educate-on-sexual-consent Like the guy on mine saying about how its bullshit when in a relationship. I think personally people who condone it or try to make the victim feel bad have very deep issues that they seek therapy for or willing to commit the crime themselves and need excuses when shit hits the fan.

    • Thank you, I agree

  • shit happens to all of us in one form or another, i have nothing else to say

    • Okay?

  • https://youtu.be/ZmWBrN7QV6Y



    I love this song thought you would like it, I have not experienced sexual assult but I have experienced domestic assult/violence 4 years ago so the song speaks to me in some ways too.

  • I really appreciate you saying this. Thank you.

  • Well written

  • And "Were they at least hot".
    Please don't.

  • So a few things...

    1.) No you're not a virgin. There was penetration thus you no longer have your sexual purity.

    2.) Sexuality is only partially genetic.

    3.) While I agree that there is no excuse for rape, there's also no excuse for not being careful when you're in a situation where there's a high probability that someone's going to try to sexually assault you. If you're in a bar in a bad neighborhood full of drunk guys that are dressed and built like they just got finished jumping kids (no offense to the GaG bodybuilders), not taking some form of precautions is just... stupid. I'm sorry but being in a place like that and being 100% sure that no guy will try anything just because it's wrong is unintelligent.

    • You are a virgin. How am I supposed to control what happened to me when I was 3 or 4 or 5? You can't. I dont care what you say to me if you have not gone through it you will not understand. Sexuality is genetic, I would be happy to link you an article. And again with the victem blaming. People like you make me sick.

    • 1.) Just because you couldn't control it doesn't mean you're a virgin. 2.) I'm afraid that no article you send me will convince me of anything. 3.) "And again with the victem blaming. People like you make me sick." Okay first... victim* So let me see if I have your thought process right... Rapish man: *approaches* You: Man, no rape! Man, no rape! MAN, NO RAPE!!! Rapish man: Aww maaaaaan! *snaps fingers* Sorry sweetums, that's not how it works! No amount of morality is going to stop rapists from raping. That's just how it is. Which means that it's up to you to be responsible for yourself.

    • https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/7581447
      And I honestly hope you get raped someday. You deserve it. I. Am. A. Virgin.

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  • So you're not a virgin anymore? ahah... what a douchebag

  • This is a good one. Thanks for this!! I know several abuse survivors that could benefit from knowing people like you exist.

  • My question is... How can they run or escape when the person has them pinned down?

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