Finding out that you are Asexual

Finding out that you are Asexual

I had always been very insecure about my virginity, but it was not that I was just a virgin in reality but a virgin in my head as well. I have ejaculated several times, but never while entertaining the thought of sex. To me sex is very boring, so boring that it is almost impossible to focus on. I am also attracted to women but not in the way that most guys are. I actually like girls with clothes on better than off having no interest in curves, and I have a huge interest in women's fashion. I was very ashamed of these things, but I had never seen them as connected any more than my other issues were: anger, pride, too hard on myself, etc. I had always thought my inability to think about sex was a curse, and all of my other issues were derived from that. I thought if I were to have sex that perhaps it would "fix me", but I was unsure. Either I thought of sex as a skill to be learned so that I could have access to girlfriend level intimacy; sex was never something that I really wanted for sex itself, but just so maybe I could feel better about myself. As far as relationships sex was the biggest obstacle, not the goal.

One day I was walking around campus and I noticed a beautiful girl in a pretty white floral sundress. Later when thinking about the encounter and could remember that the dress was very low cut, but could not remember anything about her breasts. I thought about how strange that was for a guy my age, and thought about how I just do not really think about sex when I see pretty girls. So then I asked this question on this site: Question Some of the responses that I got back from girls seemed to think that I was not attracted to girls at all. I found this shocking because I am not attracted to guys and I love the pretty ladies. Still, I googled "what if you do not like boys or girls" and found AVEN

I had found the answer I had always been looking for and it was some much better than I thought it would be. I was asexual and nothing was wrong with me, and I was not the only human to ever experience these things. It then became clear to me that I had been lied to my whole life and everyone else had been too. the notion that everyone needs sex or needs to want sex to be happy and healthy is an utter lie. The notion that you cannot be attracted to someone without being sexually attracted to someone is an utter lie. The notion that everyone is having romantic feeling, crushes is an utter lie. the asexual and aromantic movements are exposing all of this once and for all.

I will look for asexual and aromantic people who still do not know the truth until everyone has been found or I have died trying. the only way that every Ace and Aro will be found is if everyone knows the truth, EVERYONE. Even if they do not believe it. I have never been happier now that I know that I am asexual and not "Broken" or "Alone", but I want to share feeling with all Ace and Aro people. Asexual, happy, and proud as hell. :)

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I thought I was asexual until I was 26. I dated many many guys (who asked me out, and I had no reason to say no) but I could never bring myself to have sex with them, because I was just not turned on by them at all.

    I watched p*rn and I wasn't particularly excited, and when I fantasized about my future husband, it was a shapeless lump because I really wasn't interested in having a boyfriend at all (although I hoped that it would be someone sort of preppy guy who looks good in a suit), and I never once missed/wanted to have sex. I've gone to some asexuality group meetings and I identified with everything, so I categorized myself as such.

    Then when I was 26, I met this guy. We started out as good friends but one day I was surprised to realize that I seemed to have a crush on him. The feeling was completely new to me, and so I asked him out (okay, I didn't just walk up to him and ask him out; there was some flirtatious period) and we started dating. Unfortunately he is away at an exchange program, but I find myself anticipating his return, and looking forward to intimacy with him.

    For the first time in my life, I want his arms around me, and I want him to cuddle me while we sleep. I want to have sex with him, and I want to do everything he wants me to do, so that he'll be happy.

    Oh, and he's not the preppy suits type of guy. He's nerdy, has long hair and a beard, sloppy, has a few extra pounds, and overall really different from anyone that I've ever expected to date. It just goes to show that people don't really know themselves, and that love can happen when you least expect it.

    I also believe that sexual orientation can shift as well, or maybe there's no orientation. Maybe it's possible that I haven't met a girl that I click with really well, and if I meet her, I'd want sex with her. In any case, all these divisions are pretty arbitrary, and I think everyone should not label themselves and just enjoy life :)

    • Even if I was to wake up tomorrow with sexual attraction galore, it would not change any of the things that I have experienced. I would still be a asexuality awareness activist.

    • never said that you shouldn't be!

    • any asexual girls out there that want me to show them, I'll cure them ;)

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Good post.

    The fact that you were lied to is not a plot against asexual people. Rather, it's a plot against premarital sex. To recognize asexuality is to recognize that you can't simply marry anyone of the opposite sex who you find somewhat attractive and get along with, and -assume your sex life will be fine-. The whole core of no pre-marital sex is to deny that sexual compatibility exists, beyond 'being in love' and 'wanting to please each other'. Asexuality is an extreme case of saying no, two people who like each other don't magically get a mutually satisfying sex life'.

    Anyway, best of luck to you in spreading the word.

    • I agree. I do not believe the difficulties I have faced because of ignorance of my orientation was not intentional. I do believe that the benefits of asexuality being known will affect everyone. It is impossible to recognize that asexuality exists and that sexual attraction and romantic attraction are the same thing. This is why I am a very sex positive. Meaning I see nothing wrong with two consenting adults having sex under any circumstances.

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  • Wow fucking awesome man! I struggled with identity like my whole teenage life and even beforehand. I mean I figured out yeah, I guess I'm bisexual, but it still doesn't quite fit. "Pansexual" fits as much as bisexual, but this also means they both don't quite fit, and they both fail at fitting as much as each other xD
    I like "bisexual" more though. For me it's like I get big crushes on people, yeah, but it's always back and forth between the genders. I figured out well if the person is awesome and cute, then whatever below I end up liking too. I mean I even thought hell, if the person had both I don't think I'd object lol, but I'd rather not find out :P Also I found out if it's a transgender person I don't see anything wrong.

    Thanks for sharing this. I can relate cause of the simple struggle over finding an identity. I was definitely not gay, but also definitely not straight, but I never felt like I was "bisexual" I feel like I'm just both gay AND straight lol

    • Thanks. I have a good bit of friends who are polysexual. It is kind of funny how much I can have in common with them, considering we come form the opposite ends of the spectrum.

    • Sorry what's "polysexual" lol. I don't like looking things up cause it's never any good or of any use.

    • It is just a term to refer to all sexual orientations that experience sexual attraction to more than one gender. Then there is monosexual that refers to all sexual orientations that are just attracted to one gender. It is usually use in the context of talking about certain issues that polysexual people face socially that monosexual people do not. Kind of like the asexual community will refer to all people who do experience sexual attraction as allosexual or non-asexual.

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  • Thanks for sharing your story. Not many people know about asexuality, when it really should be spoken about more often and taught in school sex ed. classes just as heterosexuality or homosexuality is. I'm not asexual myself, but my best friend went through this and it would have made things so much easier if we'd known about what asexuality was. I've always had a really high sex drive, and she was always comparing her sex drive to mine. She thought something was wrong with her, and so did I lol I found it so hard to comprehend how someone could just not feel arousal or understand sexuality in the way that I have my whole life. It wasn't until one night when I was watching Laci Green on YouTube that she described asexuality and pansexuality. She described my friend exactly, and I felt like I identified completely with being pansexual as well. I had to call her right away and be like "I've figured it out! You're asexual!!! You aren't alone!!" hahah :)

    • thanks! Ya the sex ed inclusion is pretty important. So is character representation, and media representation.

  • I believe people should try to have sex (preferably with someone they love) before they categorize themselves as asexual. I think a lot of self-proclaimed asexuals are just people (usually guys) that haven't been successful with girls and use the whole asexual thing as a way to kind make themselves feel better about it.

    My sex drive isn't super high and when I see a girl, my first thought isn't "I want my penis inside her," but then I got a girlfriend and sex with someone that you love is awesome... maybe not worth starting a Trojan war over or anything... but still awesome.

    • Asexual people who have had sex, report that nothing changes. When are not sexually attracted to people. It be the same telling a gay guy that heteronormative sex would change him. I never had a crush and never had a sexually, that is not the same as having a low sex drive.

    • I disagree, people don't need to have sex to prove that they have no interest in it. It would be the same if someone told you to try gay sex before you call yourself heterosexual. If someone doesn't want to have sex, telling them that they should have it anyways, to prove they don't want it... it's just wrong.

    • Just to reiterate, I do not believe this is always the case. Clearly there are asexual people out there. My opinion is just that some of those that claim to be are merely doing so for the label, whether it's to feel unique or comfort themselves or some other reason. @LovelySerene If they can still fall in love with someone, I don't see why they wouldn't at least try to have sex. There are asexuals in relationships that have sex with their partners to make them happy, so it's not like they are all repulsed by the idea. However, I feel safe in saying most straight people would be repulsed by the idea of having sex with someone of the same gender... not just a mere indifference towards it like asexual people seem to have. And before some moron that lacks reading comprehension jumps down my throat, I'm not against asexuals or homosexuals. I'm fine with whatever someone's individual choices are.

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  • Congratulations for discovering yourself, it can be a very difficult thing to do...

  • Hey there, my wife and i have been married for almost 5 years and we have been asexual since DEC 2012. One problem though, i am not.

    • keep in mind that asexuality and celibacy are different things. Asexuality is not experience sexual attraction to anyone and is not a choice just like any other orientation. Celibacy is a choosing not to engage in sexual activities. Asexual people could have sex and still be asexual. Does wife actually identify as asexual, or does she want to abstain from sex?

    • Its like she doesn't know that she is asexual. She wants to make love to me but its like she has no taste for sex. ( think she gets to embarrassed to be honest. it is like she is to embarrassed or to self conscious to enjoy it.

    • That's not asexuality, that's a low sex drive. There can be many causes so I'm not going to speculate but I recommend you guys go to couples therapy.

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  • Why has sex turned into rocket science? You only have a couple of years to live, so you wanna be with a woman? Go for it. Two women? Go for it. Three women, two men, and a transsexual? Go for it. Virgin for life? Go for it. The truth is; nobody cares and everything you have come to conclude about yourself exists ONLY in YOUR head.

    • Very cool formulated :) well done!

    • Don't forget that by identifying this way I can find people that identify the same which makes relationships easier. We agree that that society places to much importance on sex, but I can not afford to just ignore the issue at hand.

  • just curious, not trying to be mean at all. Is sex for you disgusting? or just not interesting? Like, if your wife 1 day really wanted to have sex with you, would you say no, or maybe try it at least once to see?

    • To me sex is just boring, like the idea of it. If I happen to find myself in a relationship with a non-asexual and it was at an exclusive level, then ya I would try but only really for her sake. I would rather find another ace though. Some asexual find the idea repulsive though.

  • I was amazed when I found out that I wasn't unnatural and weird because I didn't like the idea of sex. My parents always thought I was weird till I proved that I wasn't.

    • Yah!

  • I don't think that its lies that people have been taught is just that many people didn't know that asexuality was a thing and what to categorize it as just like people feel like being a homosexual is a disorder and there inversion therapy and all kind of crap to attempt to fix the unfix-able because its not even wrong or broken. What is misunderstood even if it can be explained is still not accepted at times its because of ignorance or just not knowing any better.

    • I do not feel like the harm was intentional. But still I grow up in a pretty socially liberal household, My "talk" was basically you will start noticing girls and/or boys soon, and you will want sex. It also created extreme insecurities about my masculinity. The truth needs to be known.

  • I thought being asexual was reproducing within one organism...

    • Asexuality can refer to a lack of sexual desire in a human but it can also refer to reproduction that does not involve sex with another organism

    • I laughed way too hard at this

    • Well then I guess my clones will take over the world!

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  • Asexual in this form, is just a term that mankind has adapted, because it doesn't mean the same thing that it does when an animal is asexual. I blame all the emo kids in the 90's for the term being recategorized in the dictionary.

    • Words can mean 2 different things. Gay means like gleefully happy, but over the last hundred years it has taken on another meaning. Homosexual was that first sexual orientation to be named, and then heterosexual was created to refer to people who are not gay. Later Bisexual was added as something separate from gay. Homo, Hetero, Bi these are all Suffixes so it would only be natural that A, would be used to refer to people who do not experience sexual attraction. So yes, Asexual now has two meanings. Asexual people will also call themselves Ace for short; ultimately this will probably be used more than asexual; this also has multiple meanings. Language evolves constantly. No matter what you call it, asexual people do not experience sexual attraction and will use a common term to refer to themselves and others like them. We are a marginalized community of people who share a common set of experiences. This is why a term is necessary, just like any other minority group.

    • The meanings of words change all the time. "Ejaculate" used to mean to exclaim. But the common understanding of what the word means has changed, and thus the meaning itself has changed. Same goes for asexual. People have used it to mean a certain thing, and it now does mean that. Why is that in any way worth complaining about? It's just how language works.

    • It's just sad because if the whole world became as stupid as mama June and called it Sketty, and the word actually became that, I'd be done with this planet. Language slowly becomes more and more stupid and less diverse.

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  • This is a really wonderful Take. Seriously, thanks so much for sharing so much of your story and your journey.

    Powerful testimonials like to his really serve to further humanize the respective struggle, so you speaking up like this does help! I'm sure that you'll have reached at least reach one person on GaG that can learn something valuable from this, and that in itself would be a major win. :-)

    • Thanks! :)

  • I have told this to another asexual before as well - the term "ace" makes you seem like you believe you are oh so superior with your lack of sexual desire in contrast with all the lowlife savages who get an internal instinctual craving like some kind of horn dog. If you want people to respect that you are different, you shouldn, t want to claim you are superior to them by calling yourself "Ace".

    Other than that, it is worth noting that some people do "need" sex as they have an internal drive that makes them want it, they also tend to enjoy it; and most importantly, it can be seen as a physical bonding between a couple linked by emotions of trust, admiration, but also romantic AND sexual attraction to one another.

    Many people feel unloved if you bother to ve in a relationship with them, but don't actually find them sexually attractive, or even worse, aren't willing to have sex with them ever. It makes the relationship look like a facade, and your emotions seem like a lie... As technically, nothing really stops you from having sex altogether.

    • I am not sexually attracted to people. The idea of having sex to me is as natural as a gay guy having sex with a girl, or a straight guy having sex with a guy. The term ace is just a shorthand for asexual.

  • I remember back in my days you were either gay lesbian or straight

    • luckily those days are becoming a thing of the past, and will not come back.

    • Ugh more Annoyances pretty soon well have to accommodate to everyones needs

    • These damn kids these days, expecting us to actually treat them with basic human decency!

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  • As a fellow ace, I'm happy to see this post. So many people accuse me of lying, it's crazy. Then there's the guys who claim they have magical junk that can "fix" me. I'm heteroromantic, but it's so hard to find someone.

    • I feel your pain. I am especially sorry about the magic junk stuff, I definitely have never heard those remarks.

    • It's not fun... the sad part is that they really think they can "fix" me

    • I had one of my male friends recently suggested to me that I should go and get a bj from one of my female coworkers, one night when everyone was drunk. I had told him I was ace to. That sucked. It was like he was telling me to go over there and try to be straight.

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  • Good take, thanks for sharing your story

  • I know about this.

  • Thanks for sharing. I think it's interesting to note that marriage for emotions and romance and attraction is historically a relatively new concept, showing up around the 11th century.

  • What the aromantic movement?

    • Aromantic is not find anyone romantically attractive. Basically you never get crushes or fall in love in the romantic sense. The movement is just the effort to make sure that everyone is aware of identity. I also happen to be aromantic, although the vast majority of experiences had more to do with being asexual.

  • Being asexual is not a curse, its a damn good blessing that He has given to you.

    • I only thought it was a curse because I thought I was the only human like me and that I thought I would be unable to form intimacy. That happened because asexuality is mostly unknown in this society.

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