How to tell my boyfriend I was raped?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been going out for about 5 months.Recently,he brought up sex.Well,when I was younger,i was raped and molested by a family friend multiple times before I told.The rape and molestation happened when I was 5 and 6.Since then I have gotten counseling and therapy,and I understand it wasn't my fault and the guy is serving a life sentence with out parole.Well,i do love my boyfriend,but I want to wait till marriage.I just,i want sex to mean something and be really special.But I don't want him to leave me because of this.He's 24 and I'm 22.I really don't want him to leave me because I won't have sex,so what should I do?How doi tell him?

[Gone_But_Not_Lost]

A lot of guys can be amazingly understanding about this. I had a friend who was stressing over telling her guy that she was raped as a child and hence she's really uncomfortable with sex. When she told him he was cool with it and he decided to wait. Another friend was in the opposite position and his Girlfriend told him that she rather waited. He accepted it. They had a pretty good relationship afterwards. Granted they didn't get married but I don't think they broke up because of the sex thing either. I myself also have dated plenty of girlfriends who went through something similar to you, though none of them had ever asked me to wait, but if they had I imagine I would have. Because personally I'd rather she feel good about it.

Anyway my point with all that is that I think there are a lot of guys out there who will be quite understanding about all this. I mean I'm not going to sit here and lie to you and say that everything is guaranteed to work out with you and your boyfriend, and that he won't leave because he can't have sex with you. He might leave, but we don't know. But you should take what I said above as a good sign in two different ways. One is that you have a pretty good chance with him if you tell him. The other thing is that even if he does leave, because he's not mature enough to handle this, then you should know that despite hoe much you love him he didn't deserve you anyway, and that there are probably plenty of other guys out there who CAN handle this.

You want to know how you can tell him? I say tell him you want to meet him and talk about it. Tell him it's important, but don't use the words "We need to talk.", because a lot of men have it hard wired into their heads that those words are a prophecy of doom. Anyway when you have in a place you find comfortable (like say your living room or bedroom or something) and you're both alone, start leading into it slowly if you are a little nervous. Tell him you love him and that you are talking to him about this because it's that important to you. Move on to something like "You know how I'm uncomfortable with all the sex stuff..." or something along those lines, and then move on to something like "there's a reason I'm not comfortable having sex...", and then after a bit start going into it. Tell him a few of the details or start by telling him what you told us. As you get into it you may start to notice him getting uncomfortable. Don't see this as anything to do with you, just remember that this is an ugly thing to hear about, but it's not you. If he has questions try to fill him in if you can. Then when you can try to find a place to tell him that you love him but you want to wait until marriage and tell him why.

Anyway I think I'm running out of space, so I hope this was helpful. He may stay and he may actually wait, but I can't guarantee anything because I don't know either of you. All I can say is that I hope it works out.

Good luck with this. I hope I was of some help

[Gone_But_Not_Lost]

I'm checking back on a few of my answers. Was any of what I said here a help? How did things work out? What happened between you and your boyfriend? Did you ever tell him? Get back to me. I' curious as to whether things got better for you or something.

[Asker]

Yes it helped.I talked to him about it,and he said he understood and would wait.He's cool with it.and I feel better now that he knows

[gotc147]

Be plain about it (not blunt) and see how he reacts. Either way he's going to find out you don't want to have sex until marrige and whatever the reason you have for it he'll have to decide to stay or go. The sooner this milestone is met the better but at the same time don't tackle it until you're ready.

[thelittlethings]

Don't let all these guys make you worry about him leaving... he might be ok with it.

I had to do the same thing, I had the same situation. Sit him down and tell him, "Baby, there is something I need to tell you. This is hard for me to talk about but it's something you need to know." Then tell him. He should be there for you, supporting you. Tell him this is why you want to wait until marriage for sex. And if he is not ok with that then maybe he isn't the guy for you. But just know, opening up to him about this is going to bring you so much closer to him. You are going to feel a stronger connection. And being so emotionally connected with him might just make you change your mind. And also know that just because you aren't married, doesn't make the sex any less special. If you two love each other, and it's something you both want, then it is special. Just have and open mind, be willing to talk and be very open and honest, and try to work on it together. Trust me, telling him is gonna make you feel about four million times better.

[gravygirl]

Just a thought here, you might not want to hold off on sex until marriage. Sex is bound to be kind of a big thing for you and it might be better for your psyche to try it when the stakes aren't quite so high. It seems to me that if you wait until you're married that you'll really be putting a lot of pressure on yourself when you do it. Like you'll be thinking that okay this is your husband and you're married and he's waited for so long that you'll just feel like you have to be able to handle it okay and be good with sex. Maybe this would be easier if you did it before all that, after explaining your situation and that way you can make it okay for you if you can't get through it at first or don't like it or if it's triggering or anything bad.

[Dela1111]

IF you really want to tell him just pick a day where you feel you're ready and find a private place where you won't be interrupted. Tell him the story of what happened to you and tell him that it is part of why you want to wait until marriage. If he's worth your time he will wait for you.

[1FastFC]

if he doesn't want to wait until marriage ... there's nothing you can really do about it to make him stay

[Whoknows87]

you should def tell someone...this is a serious issue that needs to be confronted.

[thelittlethings]

She did talk to someone and the issue has been confronted.

[Anonymous]

Oral sex is not sex so have at it!

[Asker]

I don't want to have any sex

[Opinion Owner]

Then he might leave yes.

[sweetheart18]

That's ridiculous, it doesn't automatically mean he's gonna leave. yeah of course that's always an option for anyone, girl or guy. but its not inevitable.

[Opinion Owner]

That's why I said might.