Can't get a hard on?

So, I've been seeing this guy for a few weeks, and yesterday he spent the night at my place, I made it very clear that I wanted sex, we started making out and we ended up on my bed...anyways, he just could not get a hard on, nothing, he went down on me and that was really good, but afterwards it was really awkward. We cuddled a bit and then I proposed to take a shower and cuddle some more, but I didn't really know what to say or do.

And now should I let him decide when he's ready to have sex again? Or should I try and sleep with him again, to show I still think he's attractive? How should I handle it now? I have no clue what to do that's the first time something like that ever happens to me! :S

Thanks for all the answers! It's not really 100% but it's better.
Yeah, I actually dumped the guy. Not because he couldn't get a hard on, some other issue that was a lot more important and difficult to deal with.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Assuming he's around the same age as you, if he isn't taking any drugs that might cause sexual problems, he almost certainly was experiencing performance anxiety or some other kind of anxiety. Anxiety kills boners easily. It's pretty important that you be patient with him and keep giving him more chances. Nothing is worse than being with someone you want to have sex with really bad and having to wonder if you're going to get another chance any time soon if you don't get it up right at that very moment. Such a situation is almost certain to cause penile shrinkage. Also, if that happens too many times, the guy will just always be worried about it no matter what the situation is and then it starts getting hard to enjoy sex at all.

    The best way I know of to combat this problem is to just ignore the flaccid schlong problem and concentrate on pleasing each other anyway. Live the notion that it doesn't matter if he gets it up or not and over time it will just happen. Even though you both want to have sex, there are lots of other sexual things you can do that don't require him to have an erection. He can even have an orgasm that way. For instance, if you like giving him oral, do it even if he doesn't have an erection -- that will send the message to him that he doesn't need to worry about if he can get it up or not because it won't really change much either way.

    When he does get it up the first few times, it will probably go away again because the newfound erection made you both notice. Expect this and treat it like it doesn't matter as well. It's important that you talk about it too -- he probably doesn't know why he can't get it up and is really concerned both about the problem itself and how you feel about it. He needs reassurance.

    To answer your specific questions, if you initiated before, you should initiate again -- it sends the message that your affection isn't contingent upon his turgidity. In fact, even if he initiated before, you should initiate for the same reason.

    • Excellent answer and I agree completely. I don't know why anyone would down rate you on it. Cheers to you.

What Guys Said 15

  • I'd also like to add that, if he just thought about the pleasure of sex, rather than thinking of it as a performance, it would be easier.

    you can help this situation, by making it very sensual. Its cool that you;re receptive, that's the feminine sexual role, but you should lead him in the proper direction by making sex very sensual, guiding him to touch you, enjoying the ecstatic event of foreplay, which will allow him to forget about the performance aspect and he'll get a hard on easily...

    unless of course, he's of the other persuasion...?

  • He may have a medical complaint, might have been nervous or any number of reasons.

    Erection issues can be numerous in reason.

    One question I have to ask is did he become erect at any point?

    If he was all up for it then went down on you then sorry to seem rude but a smell may have put him off, no offense, it happens to ALL girls and a lot don't know it.

    I suspect however that he wasn't getting erect and went down on you to avoid the elephant in the room and probably got himself into a catch 22 by worrying about not having an erection and thus making himself too distraught to get one so its a vicious circle.

    He may indeed have a problem with impotence, might have had a lot on his mind or he may have just been a little ill that day, its hard (excuse the pun) to say.

    He may even be gay, I hate to say it but there is that possibility amongst many many others.

    All in all I suspect he was nervous and may be shy or scared that he can't meet your sexual expectations (yep, we guys hate that feeling girls).

    I suggest getting him comforatable and confident in conversation one night and approach him for sex again, show him you appreciate cuddling and kissing and leave sex alone.

    He may find himself a little more relaxed, it was his first night staying at your place and might have felt a little uncomfortable,

    If the next time you attempt to have sex he becomes distressed then ask him what the matter is in a calm way and reassure him that no matter the problem you will respect his privacy on the matter and will help him however you can.

    I don't really want to put the worry in your mind but if he has been raped, humiliated by an ex (ie. told him he was bad in bed) or something emotionally distressing to him then it may take a long time before he feels comfortable and confident but with time and you showing him love with kisses and cuddles in a loving manner and that you are there for him things will change over time.

    Again, might have just been an off day.

    I wish you both the best and remember, remind him love is more important than lust.

  • Not to make it sound too harsh but you wanted to be the predator right up to the point you wanted him to make all the moves?

    I am trying to paint a picture here. You were aggressive enough to let it be known you wanted sex. But then you didn't know what to do. Perhaps you should have carried through with your making the first move and taken the lead till he was comfortable?

    He more than likely felt he was expected to perform. That can be a real turn off sometimes.

    • Why? I don't get that. Men can walk around with their d***s out expecting women to submit to them, expecting something good. Why can't a woman expect a performance? Especially if the guy walks around acting like he's the sh*t?

  • Go down on him, or just play with "him" a little and that should really start to get him hard. If not he may have a problem. Don't be afraid to ask, but take it softly you know? A goy's penis is something that they're always conscious about and if they worry about anything when a girl and them are alone, is his performance, etc.

  • He just needs to relax

    This is a symptom of performing anxiety

    Once he feel more trust around you he will do better

    To me kissing and cuddling romantically helps, but everyone is different

  • wow failed to get a hard on, must of been embarrassing

  • you have to find out why... like the cause...

    does he smoke or drink? is he under 50 years old? lol...

  • ED is something that can effect many men and I am sure it was embarrassing for you both. some men at teen thought it was fun to use Viagra until they realized that their bodies acclimated itself to relying upon it to get hard. that could be the case with him or it could be that he does have E.D. Give him another chance, I am sure that it was not you that was the reason he couldn't get hard. but in my opinion you should have mercy and give him another chance.

  • I wouldn't say its a medical problem, but if you are the first girl he's ever been with than there is a good chance he is overly nervous.

  • I'm pretty sure most guys are nervous at first but apparently you just got lucky and got a guy that was I don't know instantly hard. It doesn't mean you aren't attractive if that happens shoot its happened to me and I am plenty big but who knows.

  • Factors like stress and anxiety can make getting erections difficult

    There may be physiological reasons as well. For example, most anti-depressants can cause a loss in sensation, decrease in libido and erectile difficulty.

    • Very true and those are points I failed to mention also. you can try giving him a deep relaxing massage on a day that he doesn't have work to relieve the stress. you can also let him stay the night and see if he gets morning wood and if he does then take advantage of it.

  • I think you should let him do what he feels comfortable with,let him do his own thing as long it is within the boundaries,masturbate in front of you with you not looking it might give him confidence.I hope it helps it did me.

  • So YOU made it clear you wanted sex, and he went down on you?

    So you made out and you expected him to have a friggin iron pipe hardon? Unless he was 15, your going to have to learn how to reciprocate and give head lady.

    Nothing worse than some chick who expects you to just pop a boner at her whim.


  • Might need to see a Dr...

    I might have been the whole picture, and he was not sure what to do or what you wanted. Try just lay together no sex just touching and let him know it feels good. Don't just throw it all away.


What Girls Said 8

  • Just tell him that it's not a problem and that you understand that he was probably nervous or something and you'd like to try again whenever he is ready but no rush. Just let him know you still interested and there to support him.

  • he wants to but something is stopping his sex confidence. a guy will get hard if he knows he is going to stay hard and will stay hard for a long time if he's not thinking and worrying about getting soft. what makes him stay soft is thinking about staying soft last time and what makes him hard and keeps him hard is knowing he was hard and inside you and really making you happy last time. so softy's idea is .. go slowly... start of with plenty of olive oil and spread it all over each other.. plenty of oral and stroking him .. .. move around and change positions a lot and let him play with you..because he will get turned on kissing and sucking your boobs or nicer places ! all the stroking and stimulation will get him hard and when he gets hard just keep stroking and not inside you.. lots of sucking and stroking and he will stay hard get him close to cumming but don't let him. do this for a long time or maybe a few times your hands and wrists are going to get tired :) but don't stop all this does is gets him used to being hard. make him come on your boobs or anywhere you like but not inside you that gets him wanting to come inside you next time knowing its easy anywhere else a guy cumming like that doesn't feel like he has to perform so he is not "learning" about anxiety. after a few times he knows he will just get hard and come and that's what you both wanted. then you won't need to get tired hands anymore. This doesn't mean he is weak or anything, he probably is thinking a lot about how to be good to you and hoping you will stay with him for a long time - maybe he's just thinking tooo much. olive oil and you both shaving down there and lots of time playing are really the golden keys to this. when he is inside you don't let him come too soon... sit on top of him and pass the time :)

  • Too bad about the eventual break up. Otherwise, and for future reference I'd have to completely agree with what beefpatrol said. I would have said the same thing.

  • There's an easy way to tell if the problem is just medical or just nerves, try and turn him on in a place where its impossible to have sex. Shopping mall, restaurant, cinema etc... Some men I've been with have also had this "performance anxiety", but in a situation where its impossible for them to perform they can go hard as rock without any expectations. At least then you'll know if he's capable of getting hard or not.

  • This question reminds me of a song by Mindless Self Indulgence.


    Next time you could go down on him instead to

    "get it up" or watch porn with him that might help.

    OR do both at the same time.

    I'm pretty sure he'd want to try again

    : ]

  • there can be many things going on here, ok men are thinkers even though they don't look it but anything can be on his mind it can be money or drugs or if you two have been drinking that can also affect his , should I say "disco stick", don't stress about it and yes let him ask for it next time. Don't over power him , be a girl.


  • I'm currently having the same problem with a guy I just started seeing. We've had sex twice and both times was extremely awkward because he kept losing his erection. Yes, we had been drinking but this occurred hours after. During both situations he never seemed embarrassed about it, but we literally had to keep stopping. I couldn't even get a condom on him when we were ready! Let me know if you have any ideas on how to gently broach the subject because I'll never be comfortable bringing it up to him!

  • Sometimes when a guy is "trying to hard" to get one or is stressed about impressing you then, well...nothing. So next time just let yourselves get "caught up in the moment." Let it happen naturally.