I'm a mistress, why do guys have them?

i met a guy at a bar a while ago and he took my number and we've been talking everyday since. when he added me to Facebook, his Facebook gave me the slight impression he had a girlfriend.

after doing some serious snooping turns out he's like 6 years older than me, pretty wealthy, engaged and living with a woman and yet he talks to me like I'm potentially a love interest.

i know what I am to him. a mistress. what do I mean to him? like why bother talking to me all day and doing nice things for me if you just want me for sex? is that all it's about for him?

he wants to spend thanksgiving with me and introduce me to his friends. that sounds pretty intense to do with someone who's just for sex. or is he just showing me off? I know he has 3 houses, each in a different city. and I've only been to one so far


Most Helpful Guy

  • When guys like that "settle down"; they do so because they want to start a family. If it was because of sex, they would never settle down. If it was because of love, they would still never settle down. Men like that have concluded that the women who tend to be attracted to either his looks or money, are women who are just interested in sex or someone to take care of them.

    Interested in sex:

    - Sluts

    - B*tches

    Interested in s/o to take care of them:

    - Whores

    so the way he sees it is:

    "I can't get married to a slut or b*tch, because they would run off and have sex with other guys, and that defeats the purpose of getting married and maintaining the appearance of certain family values.. If I get married to an overt whore, then everyone in my family and all of my friends will call her a gold-digger, not to mention the children will grow up with negative feelings towards their mother and women in general.. So instead, it's probably best to look for a covert whore "good girl" who will hide and mask those intention behind the guise of morality, tradition, religion, family values and her fake undying love for me"

    It all seems so wonderful.. until the ring goes on..

    like my family law professor (who was a woman) used to say.. the problem with marriage is.. that as soon as you say "I do".. you can almost hear the sound of those big heavy prison doors slamming shut behind you.. and it's going to take a lot of time and money to get them open again and escape.. and it's not too long until one or both partners become aware and comfortable with this fact.. and start letting go.. because the fear of their partner leaving them is almost non-existant now.. so they let their appearance go.. they put in no effort to make the other person happy.. and before you know it.. this fantasy of happily ever after has turned into a life sentence..

    So men like that have made the mistake of getting married to someone they thought would be good for them.. and are now discovering how miserable they are during marriage..

    - maybe she's too financially demanding

    - maybe she doesn't appreciate a thing he does for her

    - maybe she really doesn't care for him or love him (and he longs to feel that from s/o)

    - maybe the sex they have is just sex.. and emotionally meaningless.. and he seeks intimacy

    - maybe they no longer have sex.. and he's just looking for sex somewhere else

    - maybe she's trying to withhold sex as a bargaining chip.. and this is his answer to that

    - maybe she's ignoring him and focused only on the children

    - or maybe he's just not happy; period.. and looking for s/o else

    the truth is.. you have no idea.. everything at this point is assumption and guesswork on your part.. those are the REASONS why men like that have "other women" on the side.. but you haven't given enough detail so we can conclude exactly which reason HE has YOU..

    • I don't know anything about the woman he's with because he has yet to even tell me he has one. so I have no idea what her deal is. he's taking me out tomorrow, I'm not sure where because he says it's a surprise. the only time he lets on that he wants to have sex with me is when he's had a few drinks at a party or when I have. otherwise he talks about taking me around the world, that finding a fellow traveller is hard to come by, that he's sick of spoiled little girls and he likes that I'm a rulebreaker

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    • We have had sex already, we had sex last weekend. and then I added the update, he is still the same.

    • In that case.. why do you want to complicate ur life? that means he genuinely has feelings for u.. and since there's already an other woman in the picture.. that means he's looking for a sexual and emotional relationship with u.. that he can't find with her.. quite flattering for you I'm sure.. but why do you want the drama in your life that comes with being with a married hopeless romantic guy? there are plenty of single guys just like this.. PLENTY of guys looking for romance/love that are SINGLE..

What Guys Said 24

  • Some of us are nice to the people we have sex with.

    • Yea but to such an extent? like why not just booty call when you need it?

    • Because he doesn't want a booty call, he wants a mistress, and all of the intimacy, and DISCRETION, that implies.

    • I agree with this answerer. I wouldn't want a booty call. But I'd very much enjoy a mistress.

  • Someone youmet at a bar a while ago and who's showing more than friendly interest might just be looking for some diversity in his sexual life, nothing more. On the other hand, he might just as well have clean friend feelings.

  • Guys only have mistresses whilst there is at least one girl stupid enough or desperate enough to be one.

    You don't seem stupid or desperate, so don't go there.

    Some guys collect women exactly like they would collect a car, or a house. They just want to add them to the list. Like a car or a house, you have to work hard to earn it. These guys one good point is that they are willing to work hard to earn it... whilst she's hot and young and doesn't want to settle down or break up his long term relationship.

    He will make you feel like the only woman in the world, until you get old or he gets board then if your lucky he might leave you with some expensive trinket, but more often than not he'll even take that back to temp the next hot young thing.

    Get away... get far, far away.

  • On the surface, it may appear as though it's only about sex, but the truth is far more interesting, complex and, if you buy into the "one-partner-meets-all-my-needs-forever-and-ever" mentality, depressing.

    In short, for men, if we focus on only one person for everything, for enough years, things lose their freshness. I suspect it's largely the same for women, although, like most things with women, it's different in subtle but important ways. People crave excitement, newness, novelty. Seven or seventeen years into a marriage, it's not uncommon for people to look elsewhere for that. And it's not just about sexuality, either. Is the guy's woman giving him the intellectual stimulation or emotional support he needs?

    I suspect the reasons why people have affairs are as varied as we are, but given how long term relationships change as the years, then decades pass, it's understandable that people look outside their relationships.

    Now, that being said, he could just be a player, emotionally unavailable to everyone and just in it for the sex. In that case, he's a cad. Run for your life and your own self respect.

  • I think he talks to you and does nice things for you because he wants you for the sex. Perhaps he also wants some emotional support for you but he's a liar. I think the better question to ask yourself Is what is it all about for you. Yeah its just about sex for him, that doesn't mean he isn't grateful to you for meeting his want but its about scratching his itch, while lying to his wife. why do you want to do that for him?

  • "why bother talking to me all day and doing nice things for me if you just want me for sex?"

    Kind of answered your own question there.

  • He only wants you for sex.

  • A mistress is only used for sex. He has a normal life and girlfriend and all that, but something is wrong at home, maybe his wife is a bitch, maybe she won't sleep with him anymore, and when that happens guys cheat. Don't worry it's your fault ladies not ours, if you would give some loving he won't need to cheat. He has sex with you and then he goes home to his gf, he got what he needed for the time being and now he's back home with his gf. Did he tell you he had a girlfriend before your found out from other sources?

    • Sex isn't the only reason we cheat. There could be emotional distancing coming from our girl. Lack of communication, or maybe we're just bored.

      Honestly, women tend to cheat for many of the same reasons as men, but they seem to get away with it more frequently, per my experience.

    • 9 times outta 10 if a guy cheats on his girlfriend it's because she isn't giving him any and well he will go find it from some chick whose willing.

    • Actually that's not true I know a lot of cheaters( guys and gurls) most of them just like the idea of being in control and cheating itself!! its like a player ego thingy when someone has lack of trust he tends to do that!

      My question is If a guy/gurl is not happy with the relationship with whoever they re with, why do you cheat anyway?? why can't you just break up and get it over with..

  • Maybe his fiance is too boring to talk to. And maybe he doesn't have the balls to realize he and his fiance are incompatible and break the engagement.

  • It's nice to have a ferarri, but also nice to have the porsche on the side. Some men just like having options. it's not right, and very degrading to you, and you shouldn't be with him, if he doesn't care enough to leave his wife.

  • I know his type. He's not one of the worst guys you could meet, but not one of the best either.

    Clearly he likes his lifestyle, and isn't going to change ( at least not anytime soon, if ever ).

    Even if you did become the main woman in his life and you get emotionally invested in him, it could just be a matter of time before he dumps you for someone else. Chances are he's not the guy who will make a good relationship. He's the kind of guy you are likely to hear that has been divorced 3 times by 45 years old.

    There's absolutely nothing wrong with going after a rich guy, with the hopes of falling in love with him. But at least go after one who you know isn't a playboy who looks at women as being just something he can play with and isn't taking your feelings into consideration.

  • showing you off

  • You should probably abort this whole situation...cause nobody likes a cheating husband and they don't like home wreckers either. This situation could get ugly.

  • so his plan is to have one girl for each house that he has...so every time he's in town, he'll get a little somethin' somethin' FO FREEE.

  • How on earth can you tolerate being #2? We humans fight to be in the center all the time. Are you there for him only for his money? Then you are a bad person.

    • Haha no I'm not. I didn't even know he had that kind of money until I did some snooping on him.

    • Look, leave him. All this behaviour of being the mistress for the fun of having sex and moving around will look exciting. But don't you want to have a nice life? with your own family? with your children and husband beside you? Imagine the situation when you become old like over 30. Leave him, if you want to set a good example and feel proud of your decision later on.

  • He probably got other women on the side besides you, do his wife a favor and give her a ring.

  • Mistress? Why have one? Its like a sex toy. With a heart beat.

  • okay he probably likes you and he's interested in your looks and personality. but he has other girls in his life. so if you can live with the fact that your not everything to him and your doing stuff behind that girls back then continue doing what your doing. I would make him buy you something and then split!


  • get knocked up take his money :) that'd teach him

  • Something is missing in his life that makes him want more than one woman. Think about the 3 houses? People with immense wealth and or fame get bored because they can and do pretty much all they want so they are looking for the next (metaphorically) HIGH!

    How long this will last between you depends on him. If you are too willing he will be bored, unfortunately you are only a toy to him and while he may say he loves you and he may in his own way of what love means, you are just going to last as long as he wants no what you want.

    If you are okay with this then have a great time, but if you want more please don't fool yourself just like Summer ends so will this. Sorry to not have a better answer but this is life.

  • when being in a long relationship the passion goes and it gets really boring , he just misses this crazy time in every beginning of a relationship ...he will eventually break up with his finance and start a relationship with you!

  • It sounds like ti bothers you some. But not enough to break it off. Maybe things aren't what they seem to be, or maybe they are exactly what they seem.

    Now, maybe you are the person he has discovered after he met his fiance and it turns out (to him) that you are more than just a lay. Maybe he discovered that you are far more to him than he imaged, and really wants you in his life.

    But for each guy, it is different.

    Hope the best for you :-)

  • Maybe you could swap yourself out for my ex girlfriend. She's a money grubbing Facebook whore who loves older guys and feels like she should be on "The Hills".

    If this d*** has houses all over the place, is engaged, and you're sleeping with him.. What makes you think that he wouldn't do this to you if you did actually become a "love interest". He's all for sex, plain and simple. Just end it.

    • I like this. Well said.

What Girls Said 19

  • He says he wants to spend Thanksgiving with you and he says he wants to introduce you to his friends. Until he actually does either, it is talk and that is all. Guys can be pretty good at throwing around comments like that to keep a girl on a string. How he could be living with a woman and engaged and introducing you to his friends is very odd. He's a jerk if all of this is true. And a jerk with friends who think what he is doing is perfectly normal and fine. In other words, he would do it to you in a heartbeat. So, if you want to have fun, have fun, but honey, beware of how you are going to feel when it all falls apart.

  • well all these guys gave you real good comments, but I was just thinking ..How did you really find out that he has another woman..was if it by Facebook as well..? what if its not true or perhaps its an ex gf..so what I would do is Ask him about it..if its true then you should ask him what does that makes you to him? if its not true then that's great.

    You don't wanna be just wondering and thinking things though when you re not even sure ...just talk to him about it.. I noticed what you said on ur comments you guys are becoming close so why don't you just ASK HIM! then you could decide whether you wanna be his mistress or not!

  • First thing is first. You are NOT a mistress. A sweet delight on the side perhaps... a mistress no.

    A mistress is much different. Wealthy men keep these when they are bored with their mainstream life. They put you up in an apartment, give you a car and take you lingerie shopping. Essentially they lead a double-life.

    That isn't to say that your situation is not without its need for analysis. Truthfully, I think he is looking for a little something-something before he runs off and gets married. A quick fling and then you are tossed. Sorry hun.

    So he has added you to his Facebook page? Wow. Has he taken you out? Has he met up with you in public at all or is this purely an online thing? In my experience Facebook is the new booty call.

    The fact you have to snoop on him...says right away that you don't trust him... and/or you know very little about him. YOu are setting yourself up for some future bad relationship karma... so beware and end this charade!

  • Mistresses are long-term sexual partners, basically. And their usually taken care of by their male counterparts (financially...cars, clothing, apartments, etc.). I wouldn't call you a mistress, maybe a jump-off or a 'side piece' or maybe a fantasy. For starters, variety is the spice of life, that's why we ALL cheat (or those of us who do). A man will cheat if: the wife isn't playing her part, if he's just bored, if his friend did it and got away with it (peer pressure), or (get this) TEMPTATION! Now, this mofo added you on FB knowing damn well he could be found out. That goes to show HE DOES NOT CARE if you know. He's messy. Now, there's a chance that he might really be digging you, odds to me are slim, but there's a chance, nonetheless. From personal experience, a guy cheated with me because I 'gave him an escape from reality' and once he really got to know me, he 'fell hard'. Being the other woman is no walk in the park. Find someone unattached that you trust enough, so that you don't have to snoop on him!

  • Jeez. He might be a bigamist! Steer well clear! Or confront. Better still, go with the sisterhood - discuss all with the fiancee. But be very careful. People like that can be dangerous.

  • "I'm a mistress, why do guys have them?"

    Because women like you don't mind being used by wealthy men, that's why. LOL the guy's such a **** he doesn't give a damn if you know he's with someone or not, just takes it for granted you'll be around to satisfy him because he has a load of money.

    EWWWWWWW! Even the thought of this is making me feel ill. Get some self respect girl, please.

    • He doesn't know that I know he is loaded. he never told me about all his houses and cars. I found out. he still acts like he's in a financially tight situation right now, I just go along with it... for now. he also doesn't know that I know he has a fiancee.

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    • I googled him, found a bunch of stuff on top of his personal website and snooped around about his family (also wealthy).

    • For all you know.. the stuff on his personal website can all be fabricated (fake).. and as for the family.. you have no reason to believe his name is in the will.. what if he's not close with his family and not expecting a dollar from them? then your research and internet snooping is invalidated..

      don't assume these things.. unless you came across copies of his 1040s, or snooped through his financial records while over his place.. I wouldn't place too much weight on his personal website

  • It's an ego and personality thing. To his it's a challenge. But honestly, WHY would you settle for a guy that makes you his 2nd priority? If he really wanted to be with you, he'd be monogamous... not leading 2 women on. The fact that he's doing that should be a major sign that he's not good dating material. Those "nice" things he's doing for you aren't really for you... he enjoys this little secret life he has. He's a selfish a**, and he gets everything he wants- the "proper" wife he's getting ready to marry, and you... the casual (and exciting) dish on the side. He's using you for sex... and an ego boost.

    I'd find a great guy that was 100% single, I don't care HOW rich he was, I'd never take someone's leftovers.

    Best of luck.

  • Well he probably wants to have sex with many different girls with no commitment or emotional attachment I would never do this the guy is just using you for the sex. Guys will do anything to have sex with a girl and if that means buying them nice things and treating them right then that's what they are gonna do hands down most girls don't understand that most of the time the reason guys do anything is to get sex from a woman or a girl.

    • I guess we'll find out when/if I put out. because I can't imagine how sex with a mistress over and over again is any different than sex with your wife.

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    • Well said faux punk!!!!!

    • Ok?

  • All I have to say is if I were you instead of being on here looking for advice you already know the answer to, I would be trying to steal his wealthy heart before he becomes a married wealthy older man

  • In fact, you are, a guy will talk less about love if he seriously has those feelings! He just says that to give you hope that you might be his love someday so, you'd give him everything!

    Men have mistresses cause they can. That's all !

    If he has any other thoughts of you, he should leave the other girl! Ask him if there's a girl in his life, and give him a couple of days to see what he'll say. He might be showing you off but, if he really wants you, for YOU. Leave the sex on the side! No sex! Until you see where everything is going and not being his toy ;)

  • it sound like to me that he just wanted sex from u. I'm so sorry to hear that. you just need to move on with your life and forget about that loser. Did he tell you that he was the same age as you. Because if he did that's so f***in sick.most guys want just sex and that's it. maybe the women that he lifes with won't give him sex.

  • Apparently he just wants you for sex

  • well well well it sounds to me you are kinda in this guy take your time girl if he is hsowering you with gifts and lullabies take it but if you one day do get tired of all the bull cut him off obviously his soon to be wife is not doing right and he turns to you for comfort so comfort him back but warning do tell him how you feel and what is his intentions that the cons out weigh the pros let him go but can't know one tell you how to feel about him but you and p.s it sounds to me that you are a mistress but be a smart one and let him do the the thinking and wishing you are the goods to his goodies well if you need anymore advice hit me up okay don't be shy

  • You should end it - how would you feel if you were her? If he's unhappy with his fiance he should leave her and THEN find someone else.

  • I personally think that one of the main reasons if for excitement and the thrill of it., that you have to sneak around and mite get caught.

    I think they like to know that they can do it and it is a male fantasy to have more than one girl on the go.

    And he could genuinely like you but he is being an ars hole about it, and he wants to make sure he likes you if he was contemplating getting with you.

    Most likely tho hun, HE just wants to have his cake and eat it! and you deserve a lot better than that. No girl should be second best. Or have to compete. Just do what makes you happy that is what counts the most. Just make sure you don't get to attached to this fella, he mite end up hurting you.

  • Hello there just wanted to add too this as well I have been this mans sex toy for 4 years now he acts like he cares at times but well we live like 4 hours away from each other when we started this fk buddy thing his wife had died and well I was there for him through all of it side by side well now he decides he wants a girlfriend and is going too marry her but still wants me for sex he confuses me so much this girlfriend has a good job going too school but he still just wants too have sex with me I don't know what too do I have grown too love him very much but I guess it will never be I am a hard worker and love what I do I don't make a lot of money but he still calls me texts me and still wants too fly here too have sex with me why in the world would he want too spend so much money on a plane ticket just too have sex with me any one got any ideas

  • eh you are a mistress. not just to him but everyone.

    why are you still with him?! go and get some self-respect! get a guy who is SINGLE.

    And yeah he just wants you for sex. why are you even surprised? he's not going to show you off to his friends he's only saying that to keep you happy and stop you moaning about wanting something serious. you sounds a bit like a golddigger when you say youve only been to one of his houses. would you be with him if he was just an average joe? I doubt it.

    Also he is CHEATING on a FIANCEE-someone he is meant to MARRY.

    why would you want to be number 2 in anyones life? it sounds like all of you mistresses have no self-respect or dignity as you put up with this crap. you make me cringe to be a woman quite honestly

  • My uncle was a married man with 3 children and had a mistress because he was not happy with his wife - it was an arranged marriage :(. The mistress gave birth to a girl, and he left his ex wife (the youngest of his children was 2) and married the mistress. Life is full of ssss...urprises!

  • Basically yes.. I am a mistress too. He wants to have it both ways. The questions is are you prepared to be a number 2 in his life?

    • But he doesn't know that I know he has another woman. yet.

      will he tell me or will I have to confront him?

      how is it being a mistress for you?

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    • Just remember... if you do decide to become #2... there is a lot of baggage that goes with that. Not just the sneaking and the lies... but the fact that he hasn't come clean with YOU regarding his conventional life makes me wonder why you are afraid to ask him.

      The truth is... if you are going to be #2 and he really wants you to be ... honesty is clutch because the #1 relationship is no longer based on that. He is hiding himself from everyone in his life right now.

    • Who are you women that are mistresses? So disrespectful to yourself, and your fellow women!