I'm a mistress, why do guys have them?

i met a guy at a bar a while ago and he took my number and we've been talking everyday since. when he added me to Facebook, his Facebook gave me the slight impression he had a girlfriend.

after doing some serious snooping turns out he's like 6 years older than me, pretty wealthy, engaged and living with a woman and yet he talks to me like I'm potentially a love interest.

i know what I am to him. a mistress. what do I mean to him? like why bother talking to me all day and doing nice things for me if you just want me for sex? is that all it's about for him?

he wants to spend thanksgiving with me and introduce me to his friends. that sounds pretty intense to do with someone who's just for sex. or is he just showing me off? I know he has 3 houses, each in a different city. and I've only been to one so far


Most Helpful Guy

  • When guys like that "settle down"; they do so because they want to start a family. If it was because of sex, they would never settle down. If it was because of love, they would still never settle down. Men like that have concluded that the women who tend to be attracted to either his looks or money, are women who are just interested in sex or someone to take care of them.

    Interested in sex:

    - Sluts

    - B*tches

    Interested in s/o to take care of them:

    - Whores

    so the way he sees it is:

    "I can't get married to a slut or b*tch, because they would run off and have sex with other guys, and that defeats the purpose of getting married and maintaining the appearance of certain family values.. If I get married to an overt whore, then everyone in my family and all of my friends will call her a gold-digger, not to mention the children will grow up with negative feelings towards their mother and women in general.. So instead, it's probably best to look for a covert whore "good girl" who will hide and mask those intention behind the guise of morality, tradition, religion, family values and her fake undying love for me"

    It all seems so wonderful.. until the ring goes on..

    like my family law professor (who was a woman) used to say.. the problem with marriage is.. that as soon as you say "I do".. you can almost hear the sound of those big heavy prison doors slamming shut behind you.. and it's going to take a lot of time and money to get them open again and escape.. and it's not too long until one or both partners become aware and comfortable with this fact.. and start letting go.. because the fear of their partner leaving them is almost non-existant now.. so they let their appearance go.. they put in no effort to make the other person happy.. and before you know it.. this fantasy of happily ever after has turned into a life sentence..

    So men like that have made the mistake of getting married to someone they thought would be good for them.. and are now discovering how miserable they are during marriage..

    - maybe she's too financially demanding

    - maybe she doesn't appreciate a thing he does for her

    - maybe she really doesn't care for him or love him (and he longs to feel that from s/o)

    - maybe the sex they have is just sex.. and emotionally meaningless.. and he seeks intimacy

    - maybe they no longer have sex.. and he's just looking for sex somewhere else

    - maybe she's trying to withhold sex as a bargaining chip.. and this is his answer to that

    - maybe she's ignoring him and focused only on the children

    - or maybe he's just not happy; period.. and looking for s/o else

    the truth is.. you have no idea.. everything at this point is assumption and guesswork on your part.. those are the REASONS why men like that have "other women" on the side.. but you haven't given enough detail so we can conclude exactly which reason HE has YOU..

    • I don't know anything about the woman he's with because he has yet to even tell me he has one. so I have no idea what her deal is. he's taking me out tomorrow, I'm not sure where because he says it's a surprise. the only time he lets on that he wants to have sex with me is when he's had a few drinks at a party or when I have. otherwise he talks about taking me around the world, that finding a fellow traveller is hard to come by, that he's sick of spoiled little girls and he likes that I'm a rulebreaker

    • Show All
    • We have had sex already, we had sex last weekend. and then I added the update, he is still the same.

    • In that case.. why do you want to complicate ur life? that means he genuinely has feelings for u.. and since there's already an other woman in the picture.. that means he's looking for a sexual and emotional relationship with u.. that he can't find with her.. quite flattering for you I'm sure.. but why do you want the drama in your life that comes with being with a married hopeless romantic guy? there are plenty of single guys just like this.. PLENTY of guys looking for romance/love that are SINGLE..

What Guys Said 24

  • Someone youmet at a bar a while ago and who's showing more than friendly interest might just be looking for some diversity in his sexual life, nothing more. On the other hand, he might just as well have clean friend feelings.

  • Some of us are nice to the people we have sex with.

    • Yea but to such an extent? like why not just booty call when you need it?

    • Because he doesn't want a booty call, he wants a mistress, and all of the intimacy, and DISCRETION, that implies.

    • I agree with this answerer. I wouldn't want a booty call. But I'd very much enjoy a mistress.

  • Guys only have mistresses whilst there is at least one girl stupid enough or desperate enough to be one.

    You don't seem stupid or desperate, so don't go there.

    Some guys collect women exactly like they would collect a car, or a house. They just want to add them to the list. Like a car or a house, you have to work hard to earn it. These guys one good point is that they are willing to work hard to earn it... whilst she's hot and young and doesn't want to settle down or break up his long term relationship.

    He will make you feel like the only woman in the world, until you get old or he gets board then if your lucky he might leave you with some expensive trinket, but more often than not he'll even take that back to temp the next hot young thing.

    Get away... get far, far away.

  • On the surface, it may appear as though it's only about sex, but the truth is far more interesting, complex and, if you buy into the "one-partner-meets-all-my-needs-forever-and-ever" mentality, depressing.

    In short, for men, if we focus on only one person for everything, for enough years, things lose their freshness. I suspect it's largely the same for women, although, like most things with women, it's different in subtle but important ways. People crave excitement, newness, novelty. Seven or seventeen years into a marriage, it's not uncommon for people to look elsewhere for that. And it's not just about sexuality, either. Is the guy's woman giving him the intellectual stimulation or emotional support he needs?

    I suspect the reasons why people have affairs are as varied as we are, but given how long term relationships change as the years, then decades pass, it's understandable that people look outside their relationships.

    Now, that being said, he could just be a player, emotionally unavailable to everyone and just in it for the sex. In that case, he's a cad. Run for your life and your own self respect.

  • I think he talks to you and does nice things for you because he wants you for the sex. Perhaps he also wants some emotional support for you but he's a liar. I think the better question to ask yourself Is what is it all about for you. Yeah its just about sex for him, that doesn't mean he isn't grateful to you for meeting his want but its about scratching his itch, while lying to his wife. why do you want to do that for him?

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What Girls Said 19

  • He says he wants to spend Thanksgiving with you and he says he wants to introduce you to his friends. Until he actually does either, it is talk and that is all. Guys can be pretty good at throwing around comments like that to keep a girl on a string. How he could be living with a woman and engaged and introducing you to his friends is very odd. He's a jerk if all of this is true. And a jerk with friends who think what he is doing is perfectly normal and fine. In other words, he would do it to you in a heartbeat. So, if you want to have fun, have fun, but honey, beware of how you are going to feel when it all falls apart.

  • well all these guys gave you real good comments, but I was just thinking ..How did you really find out that he has another woman..was if it by Facebook as well..? what if its not true or perhaps its an ex gf..so what I would do is Ask him about it..if its true then you should ask him what does that makes you to him? if its not true then that's great.

    You don't wanna be just wondering and thinking things though when you re not even sure ...just talk to him about it.. I noticed what you said on ur comments you guys are becoming close so why don't you just ASK HIM! then you could decide whether you wanna be his mistress or not!

  • First thing is first. You are NOT a mistress. A sweet delight on the side perhaps... a mistress no.

    A mistress is much different. Wealthy men keep these when they are bored with their mainstream life. They put you up in an apartment, give you a car and take you lingerie shopping. Essentially they lead a double-life.

    That isn't to say that your situation is not without its need for analysis. Truthfully, I think he is looking for a little something-something before he runs off and gets married. A quick fling and then you are tossed. Sorry hun.

    So he has added you to his Facebook page? Wow. Has he taken you out? Has he met up with you in public at all or is this purely an online thing? In my experience Facebook is the new booty call.

    The fact you have to snoop on him...says right away that you don't trust him... and/or you know very little about him. YOu are setting yourself up for some future bad relationship karma... so beware and end this charade!

  • Mistresses are long-term sexual partners, basically. And their usually taken care of by their male counterparts (financially...cars, clothing, apartments, etc.). I wouldn't call you a mistress, maybe a jump-off or a 'side piece' or maybe a fantasy. For starters, variety is the spice of life, that's why we ALL cheat (or those of us who do). A man will cheat if: the wife isn't playing her part, if he's just bored, if his friend did it and got away with it (peer pressure), or (get this) TEMPTATION! Now, this mofo added you on FB knowing damn well he could be found out. That goes to show HE DOES NOT CARE if you know. He's messy. Now, there's a chance that he might really be digging you, odds to me are slim, but there's a chance, nonetheless. From personal experience, a guy cheated with me because I 'gave him an escape from reality' and once he really got to know me, he 'fell hard'. Being the other woman is no walk in the park. Find someone unattached that you trust enough, so that you don't have to snoop on him!

  • Jeez. He might be a bigamist! Steer well clear! Or confront. Better still, go with the sisterhood - discuss all with the fiancee. But be very careful. People like that can be dangerous.

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