I'm a mistress, why do guys have them?

[Anonymous]

i met a guy at a bar a while ago and he took my number and we've been talking everyday since. when he added me to Facebook, his Facebook gave me the slight impression he had a girlfriend. after doing some serious snooping turns out he's like 6 years older than me, pretty wealthy, engaged and living with a woman and yet he talks to me like I'm potentially a love interest. i know what I am to him. a mistress. what do I mean to him? like why bother talking to me all day and doing nice things for me if you just want me for sex? is that all it's about for him?

[jdcpa]

When guys like that "settle down"; they do so because they want to start a family. If it was because of sex, they would never settle down. If it was because of love, they would still never settle down. Men like that have concluded that the women who tend to be attracted to either his looks or money, are women who are just interested in sex or someone to take care of them.

Interested in sex:

- Sluts

- B*tches

Interested in s/o to take care of them:

- Whores

so the way he sees it is:

"I can't get married to a slut or b*tch, because they would run off and have sex with other guys, and that defeats the purpose of getting married and maintaining the appearance of certain family values.. If I get married to an overt whore, then everyone in my family and all of my friends will call her a gold-digger, not to mention the children will grow up with negative feelings towards their mother and women in general.. So instead, it's probably best to look for a covert whore "good girl" who will hide and mask those intention behind the guise of morality, tradition, religion, family values and her fake undying love for me"

It all seems so wonderful.. until the ring goes on..

like my family law professor (who was a woman) used to say.. the problem with marriage is.. that as soon as you say "I do".. you can almost hear the sound of those big heavy prison doors slamming shut behind you.. and it's going to take a lot of time and money to get them open again and escape.. and it's not too long until one or both partners become aware and comfortable with this fact.. and start letting go.. because the fear of their partner leaving them is almost non-existant now.. so they let their appearance go.. they put in no effort to make the other person happy.. and before you know it.. this fantasy of happily ever after has turned into a life sentence..

So men like that have made the mistake of getting married to someone they thought would be good for them.. and are now discovering how miserable they are during marriage..

- maybe she's too financially demanding

- maybe she doesn't appreciate a thing he does for her

- maybe she really doesn't care for him or love him (and he longs to feel that from s/o)

- maybe the sex they have is just sex.. and emotionally meaningless.. and he seeks intimacy

- maybe they no longer have sex.. and he's just looking for sex somewhere else

- maybe she's trying to withhold sex as a bargaining chip.. and this is his answer to that

- maybe she's ignoring him and focused only on the children

- or maybe he's just not happy; period.. and looking for s/o else

the truth is.. you have no idea.. everything at this point is assumption and guesswork on your part.. those are the REASONS why men like that have "other women" on the side.. but you haven't given enough detail so we can conclude exactly which reason HE has YOU..

[Asker]

I don't know anything about the woman he's with because he has yet to even tell me he has one. so I have no idea what her deal is. he's taking me out tomorrow, I'm not sure where because he says it's a surprise. the only time he lets on that he wants to have sex with me is when he's had a few drinks at a party or when I have. otherwise he talks about taking me around the world, that finding a fellow traveller is hard to come by, that he's sick of spoiled little girls and he likes that I'm a rulebreaker

[jdcpa]

"sick of spoiled little girls; likes that you're a rule breaker" (translation: my wife is boring and uninteresting; demanding and unappreciative) "not talking about sex, except for when someone is drunk" (translation: is shy or insecure about his looks/masculine sexual prowess, through does want you sexually.. so feels the need for some sort of "excuse" to justify him even bringing up sex) so far that concludes nothing.. need more information..

[Asker]

What else do you need to know? it's hard to think up everything. hm, we text all day and when we can't do that we email (he works most hours of the day). i tease him, he flirts all the time without ever giving me any blatant compliments. he has hidden most of his life from me, but I think that's what my surprise is tomorrow. from the clues I got I think he's going to show me who he is, ie. pretty well off and not single.

[jdcpa]

Have you two kissed? how does he kiss you? have you had sex yet? how does he have sex with you? is it just intercourse.. or does he go down on you and use his hands too? how much has he asked you about YOU? how much does he want to get to know you? how much do you two talk? (weekly/monthly) what things do you two talk about? this will help conclude if you're just a girl he knows.. something more.. or really his mistress.. but as of now.. you can't conclude you're his mistress..

[Asker]

Yep we've kissed. he kisses gentle, intimate and passionate. like there's no rush. it's sweet and careful. and no we haven't had sex yet. but he hasn't initiated it either. we will kiss to a point but it'll never get too intense. after a while of kissing he'll pull back and say something sweet. so far it hasn't gone any further even though we do kiss a lot. he asks me about me all the time. family, future hopes, movies, relationship views, music. and we talk everyday. text, email, whatever

[Asker]

And today while we were walking on the street, he would grab for my hand and hold it. he also holds my bag, without me asking, opens the car door for me and other little things like that. then when we were heading to another location, I said I needed to change my shirt (it'd gotten wet) so he gave me his and told me to wear it. he said it gave me a very "girlfriend" look.

[jdcpa]

Sweetie.. here's a lesson on men.. comming from a guy.. whatever the guy is doing.. prior to the two of you being sexual.. is totally meaningless.. it's not until after you two have had sex where you really know how he feels about you.. if he were doing all these things AND you two were sexually involved already.. I'd say it's definitely more than just sex..

[jdcpa]

There's no way around it.. there's no way to magically "test" and see if he's "really" into you or just wants to use you for sex.. the ONLY way that information is certain is if AFTER you've been sexual with him.. THEN he does all these things.. that way.. you know he's already had sex.. if that's all he wanted.. he doesn't HAVE to do all these things AFTER he's had sex.. so why is he doing them? because he wants more than just sex..

[jdcpa]

BEFORE you two are sexually involved.. all actions and words are meaningless.. don't look too deeply into anything that's been said and done.. because you haven't even given him reason to be certain or sure that things will ever become sexual.. for all you know.. he can just be doing all this to get into your pants.. remember, "girls can fake orgasms.. guys can fake entire relationships"

[jdcpa]

Now.. that doesn't mean you should have sex with him so you can have a definitive answer to the question of "does he want more than just sex" or "is he doing all these things because he likes me? I wonder if he'll keep being this way afterwards".. I would give your asset-sniffing skills a rest and do some character & personality assessment on this guy.. what type of man is he? there are only two types..

[jdcpa]

There are those that are desperate "beggars" and have no dignity for themselves.. they either really do have few sexual options.. or believe they have few sexual options.. either way.. they're willing to do and say everything.. and wait as long as it takes if it means sex.. they often hide behind morality, religion, conservatism, trying to frame their desperation as "respect & patience".. and some girls, such as yourself apparently, see his lack of dignity for himself as him being a gentleman..

[jdcpa]

Guys that aren't desperate and have respect for themselves wouldn't stick around in this situation, and could care less what you or anyone else thinks about it.. if they're not having sex, they move along. maybe they're just looking for sex, maybe they're looking for that and more.. but in either case, the more time goes on with no sex, the more risk he's taking on of being used and just wasting his time.. and since he's not desperate.. he knows he can move on to s/o else. (that's clearly not him)

[jdcpa]

So we can at least establish that this guy is at the very best, not confident, at the very worst, desperate.. and has no dignity or respect for himself.. which spills over to everything in his life.. including his fiance'/wife.. and even his mistress.. you can't trust a desperate guy because you don't know if he's doing things because he likes you or because ur one of the few (if not only) women who want to have sex with him for some reason & he just doesn't want to lose that

[Asker]

We have had sex already, we had sex last weekend. and then I added the update, he is still the same.

[jdcpa]

In that case.. why do you want to complicate ur life? that means he genuinely has feelings for u.. and since there's already an other woman in the picture.. that means he's looking for a sexual and emotional relationship with u.. that he can't find with her.. quite flattering for you I'm sure.. but why do you want the drama in your life that comes with being with a married hopeless romantic guy? there are plenty of single guys just like this.. PLENTY of guys looking for romance/love that are SINGLE..

[jamesjems]

On the surface, it may appear as though it's only about sex, but the truth is far more interesting, complex and, if you buy into the "one-partner-meets-all-my-needs-forever-and-ever" mentality, depressing.

In short, for men, if we focus on only one person for everything, for enough years, things lose their freshness. I suspect it's largely the same for women, although, like most things with women, it's different in subtle but important ways. People crave excitement, newness, novelty. Seven or seventeen years into a marriage, it's not uncommon for people to look elsewhere for that. And it's not just about sexuality, either. Is the guy's woman giving him the intellectual stimulation or emotional support he needs?

I suspect the reasons why people have affairs are as varied as we are, but given how long term relationships change as the years, then decades pass, it's understandable that people look outside their relationships.

Now, that being said, he could just be a player, emotionally unavailable to everyone and just in it for the sex. In that case, he's a cad. Run for your life and your own self respect.

[LotusBlossom]

Mistresses are long-term sexual partners, basically. And their usually taken care of by their male counterparts (financially...cars, clothing, apartments, etc.). I wouldn't call you a mistress, maybe a jump-off or a 'side piece' or maybe a fantasy. For starters, variety is the spice of life, that's why we ALL cheat (or those of us who do). A man will cheat if: the wife isn't playing her part, if he's just bored, if his friend did it and got away with it (peer pressure), or (get this) TEMPTATION! Now, this mofo added you on FB knowing damn well he could be found out. That goes to show HE DOES NOT CARE if you know. He's messy. Now, there's a chance that he might really be digging you, odds to me are slim, but there's a chance, nonetheless. From personal experience, a guy cheated with me because I 'gave him an escape from reality' and once he really got to know me, he 'fell hard'. Being the other woman is no walk in the park. Find someone unattached that you trust enough, so that you don't have to snoop on him!

[vice-chix]

First thing is first. You are NOT a mistress. A sweet delight on the side perhaps... a mistress no.

A mistress is much different. Wealthy men keep these when they are bored with their mainstream life. They put you up in an apartment, give you a car and take you lingerie shopping. Essentially they lead a double-life.

That isn't to say that your situation is not without its need for analysis. Truthfully, I think he is looking for a little something-something before he runs off and gets married. A quick fling and then you are tossed. Sorry hun.

So he has added you to his Facebook page? Wow. Has he taken you out? Has he met up with you in public at all or is this purely an online thing? In my experience Facebook is the new booty call.

The fact you have to snoop on him...says right away that you don't trust him... and/or you know very little about him. YOu are setting yourself up for some future bad relationship karma... so beware and end this charade!

[the-love-guru]

It's an ego and personality thing. To his it's a challenge. But honestly, WHY would you settle for a guy that makes you his 2nd priority? If he really wanted to be with you, he'd be monogamous... not leading 2 women on. The fact that he's doing that should be a major sign that he's not good dating material. Those "nice" things he's doing for you aren't really for you... he enjoys this little secret life he has. He's a selfish a**, and he gets everything he wants- the "proper" wife he's getting ready to marry, and you... the casual (and exciting) dish on the side. He's using you for sex... and an ego boost.

I'd find a great guy that was 100% single, I don't care HOW rich he was, I'd never take someone's leftovers.

Best of luck.

[DoggyDude]

Guys only have mistresses whilst there is at least one girl stupid enough or desperate enough to be one.

You don't seem stupid or desperate, so don't go there.

Some guys collect women exactly like they would collect a car, or a house. They just want to add them to the list. Like a car or a house, you have to work hard to earn it. These guys one good point is that they are willing to work hard to earn it... whilst she's hot and young and doesn't want to settle down or break up his long term relationship.

He will make you feel like the only woman in the world, until you get old or he gets board then if your lucky he might leave you with some expensive trinket, but more often than not he'll even take that back to temp the next hot young thing.

Get away... get far, far away.

[Tamikaze]

He says he wants to spend Thanksgiving with you and he says he wants to introduce you to his friends. Until he actually does either, it is talk and that is all. Guys can be pretty good at throwing around comments like that to keep a girl on a string. How he could be living with a woman and engaged and introducing you to his friends is very odd. He's a jerk if all of this is true. And a jerk with friends who think what he is doing is perfectly normal and fine. In other words, he would do it to you in a heartbeat. So, if you want to have fun, have fun, but honey, beware of how you are going to feel when it all falls apart.

[rdabby]

well all these guys gave you real good comments, but I was just thinking ..How did you really find out that he has another woman..was if it by Facebook as well..? what if its not true or perhaps its an ex gf..so what I would do is Ask him about it..if its true then you should ask him what does that makes you to him? if its not true then that's great.

You don't wanna be just wondering and thinking things though when you re not even sure ...just talk to him about it.. I noticed what you said on ur comments you guys are becoming close so why don't you just ASK HIM! then you could decide whether you wanna be his mistress or not!

[OMG_look_its_nickels]

It's nice to have a ferarri, but also nice to have the porsche on the side. Some men just like having options. it's not right, and very degrading to you, and you shouldn't be with him, if he doesn't care enough to leave his wife.

[just4clarity]

Jeez. He might be a bigamist! Steer well clear! Or confront. Better still, go with the sisterhood - discuss all with the fiancee. But be very careful. People like that can be dangerous.

[nymphoman]

"why bother talking to me all day and doing nice things for me if you just want me for sex?"

Kind of answered your own question there.

[Subotai]

I think he talks to you and does nice things for you because he wants you for the sex. Perhaps he also wants some emotional support for you but he's a liar. I think the better question to ask yourself Is what is it all about for you. Yeah its just about sex for him, that doesn't mean he isn't grateful to you for meeting his want but its about scratching his itch, while lying to his wife. why do you want to do that for him?

[Davidnorth]

He only wants you for sex.

[tex151]

A mistress is only used for sex. He has a normal life and girlfriend and all that, but something is wrong at home, maybe his wife is a bitch, maybe she won't sleep with him anymore, and when that happens guys cheat. Don't worry it's your fault ladies not ours, if you would give some loving he won't need to cheat. He has sex with you and then he goes home to his gf, he got what he needed for the time being and now he's back home with his gf. Did he tell you he had a girlfriend before your found out from other sources?

[cgiddings]

Sex isn't the only reason we cheat. There could be emotional distancing coming from our girl. Lack of communication, or maybe we're just bored. Honestly, women tend to cheat for many of the same reasons as men, but they seem to get away with it more frequently, per my experience.

[tex151]

9 times outta 10 if a guy cheats on his girlfriend it's because she isn't giving him any and well he will go find it from some chick whose willing.

[rdabby]

Actually that's not true I know a lot of cheaters( guys and gurls) most of them just like the idea of being in control and cheating itself!! its like a player ego thingy when someone has lack of trust he tends to do that! My question is If a guy/gurl is not happy with the relationship with whoever they re with, why do you cheat anyway?? why can't you just break up and get it over with..

[hunnie-bunches]

All I have to say is if I were you instead of being on here looking for advice you already know the answer to, I would be trying to steal his wealthy heart before he becomes a married wealthy older man

[Clair]

"I'm a mistress, why do guys have them?"

Because women like you don't mind being used by wealthy men, that's why. LOL the guy's such a **** he doesn't give a damn if you know he's with someone or not, just takes it for granted you'll be around to satisfy him because he has a load of money.

EWWWWWWW! Even the thought of this is making me feel ill. Get some self respect girl, please.

[Asker]

He doesn't know that I know he is loaded. he never told me about all his houses and cars. I found out. he still acts like he's in a financially tight situation right now, I just go along with it... for now. he also doesn't know that I know he has a fiancee.

[jdcpa]

HOW exactly did you find this all out? WHAT are your sources? and WHY do you believe that they're accurate and/or reliable?

[Asker]

I googled him, found a bunch of stuff on top of his personal website and snooped around about his family (also wealthy).

[jdcpa]

For all you know.. the stuff on his personal website can all be fabricated (fake).. and as for the family.. you have no reason to believe his name is in the will.. what if he's not close with his family and not expecting a dollar from them? then your research and internet snooping is invalidated.. don't assume these things.. unless you came across copies of his 1040s, or snooped through his financial records while over his place.. I wouldn't place too much weight on his personal website

[scnbabe89]

Well he probably wants to have sex with many different girls with no commitment or emotional attachment I would never do this the guy is just using you for the sex. Guys will do anything to have sex with a girl and if that means buying them nice things and treating them right then that's what they are gonna do hands down most girls don't understand that most of the time the reason guys do anything is to get sex from a woman or a girl.

[Asker]

I guess we'll find out when/if I put out. because I can't imagine how sex with a mistress over and over again is any different than sex with your wife.

[cgiddings]

I might do things within reason, but I wouldn't go so far as to say I would do 'anything' to sleep with a girl. I'm not going to buy anything untowardly expensive. Mistresses aren't whores. If I had a mistress I would want to have an emotional and intellectual connection to her as much as I would with my other SO. For women who only want 'things' from guys (and they do exist), they're not a good fit for every guy. Just the weak willed ones.

[faux_punk]

And girls will use sex to get everything they want from guys. It's a 2 way street.

[scnbabe89]

I don't do that and I've never heard of any girls doing that!!!

[roadkingp]

Well said faux punk!!!!!

[scnbabe89]

Ok?

[l-hedoniste]

Some of us are nice to the people we have sex with.

[Asker]

Yea but to such an extent? like why not just booty call when you need it?

[l-hedoniste]

Because he doesn't want a booty call, he wants a mistress, and all of the intimacy, and DISCRETION, that implies.

[cgiddings]

I agree with this answerer. I wouldn't want a booty call. But I'd very much enjoy a mistress.

[MadHatterni]

showing you off

[rwb0027]

Mistress? Why have one? Its like a sex toy. With a heart beat.

[Asker]

Haha.

[johnsmith2116]

I know his type. He's not one of the worst guys you could meet, but not one of the best either.

Clearly he likes his lifestyle, and isn't going to change ( at least not anytime soon, if ever ).

Even if you did become the main woman in his life and you get emotionally invested in him, it could just be a matter of time before he dumps you for someone else. Chances are he's not the guy who will make a good relationship. He's the kind of guy you are likely to hear that has been divorced 3 times by 45 years old.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with going after a rich guy, with the hopes of falling in love with him. But at least go after one who you know isn't a playboy who looks at women as being just something he can play with and isn't taking your feelings into consideration.

[bryant89]

get knocked up take his money :) that'd teach him

[roadkingp]

How on earth can you tolerate being #2? We humans fight to be in the center all the time. Are you there for him only for his money? Then you are a bad person.

[Asker]

Haha no I'm not. I didn't even know he had that kind of money until I did some snooping on him.

[roadkingp]

Look, leave him. All this behaviour of being the mistress for the fun of having sex and moving around will look exciting. But don't you want to have a nice life? with your own family? with your children and husband beside you? Imagine the situation when you become old like over 30. Leave him, if you want to set a good example and feel proud of your decision later on.

[The-Dude-Next-Door]

Maybe his fiance is too boring to talk to. And maybe he doesn't have the balls to realize he and his fiance are incompatible and break the engagement.

[Xenophobia]

You should probably abort this whole situation...cause nobody likes a cheating husband and they don't like home wreckers either. This situation could get ugly.