I want to touch him...but I can't.

[Anonymous]

This may sound silly to many, but...anyway. And please don't judge me because of my age, 17. So me and my boyfriend have fooled around a few times, and it's always great fun and all that jazz. But three years ago I was sexually assaulted by my best friend, and needless to say, that messed me up a bit. He knows about this and asks me if I'm comfortable and is very understanding about it. I can have him touch me and it only makes me nervous a split second. But when it comes to touching him, I can do it and love pleasing him and it's just great, but it's so hard for me to do it at first. It's like getting over a wall. My stomach gets in knots and my heart stops. I really really want to make my boyfriend feel good, but I don't know if he'll understand why I'm more okay with him touching me, than the other way around. The man who assaulted me made me touch him and stuff as much as he violated me. But I don't understand why I should have more of a problem with one or the other. Any advice? (sorry it's so freaking long...)

[nymphoman]

Wasn't long at all, I prefer to have a little info to go on rather than someone who wants us to guess the details.

I am pretty certain if you explain this to him he will understand fully.

It sounds like you aren't yet healed from the experience enough to feel comfortable to touching him, I suggest you get a little more counseling for yourself if you need it and just allow time to be a healer.

If he act's like a jerk about it (which I really doubt he would) then maybe you are better off without him,

Take your time, don't worry about it because it will take time, 3 years will seem like last week to you so just allow yourself time and see how things go, you will grow more confident with touching him in time, your still young and you have been through a serious ordeal on top of going through an awkward age right now, give it time, it may take years but any guy who loves you and is respectful wouldn't expect you to do anything you are uncomfortable with no matter what the reason.

Time is a great healer.

It's a great saying, I use it a lot because I know it to be true.

[anabur]

It sounds like your boyfriend is really understanding, which will make it easier for you. You're completely justified to feel and act like you do, so all I'll say is keep these things in mind and hopefully they'll help you get past your issue at whatever pace you're comfortable with:

You don't want the guy who sexually assaulted you to have so much power that he ruins you for every other guy you're ever with, because he's some piece of sh*t...so keep in mind that you *want* to move past what he did and destroy the bad effects of it, so you win instead of him winning.

The more that you have positive, healthy experiences with fooling around with guys who you like, the more that you'll associate touching and whatever else with good feelings. Find something innocent enough that you're comfortable doing it and having it done to you, and keep doing that and liking it. Then keep getting comfortable with a little bit more, and on and on.

Basically, instead of seeing it like you're trying to get over something horrible, look at it like you're trying to have fun.

Hopefully that helps.

[Asker]

I just don't want him to be afraid to touch me...I don't want him to stop doing anything with me because he's worried he'll make me uncomfortable...does that make sense..?

[magnumgirl]

use him as your therapy! just help him out as much as you can and eventually you won't associate it with that one bad memory because you'll have 100 good memories to erase it.

[pk123]

He will understand if you can explain it anywhere near as well as you have done so here... more than that, he should be supportive of you and patient. I believe most men would be. If he falls into the small minority that wouldn't understand, you definitely don't need him in your life.

[l-hedoniste]

Not much advice, because despite all that's happened, you're pretty okay. You know what's gone wrong, and why, and you're working through it, with a partner who'll work with you. What else is there to recommend, really, but patience and time?

You're going to instinctively resist anything that resembles your assault.This is natural, and will pass. Anyone, including your boyfriend, would understand this.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I'm really cheered that despite what happened to you, you seem to be getting past it, and that you're in a satisfying relationship. I see a lot of people shattered by sexual assault, so a sound, happy survivor makes me hopeful.