My boyfriend isn't sexually attracted to me! Help!?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend told me last night that he isn't sexually attracted to me any more after a couple of weeks without any bedroom action. I have recently lost a bit of weight but fell off the weight loss wagon and the last couple of weeks. He said when I let myself go and don't eat right or exercise he finds it hard to be sexually attracted to me. I narrowed it down and said "So you don't want me because I'm fat?" and his answer was "Sorry babe." He says he still loves me though. We have been together for 7 years and engaged for 3. When I asked him if my weight was a factor in his not wanting to set a date for our wedding he said it was, so basically he wants a skinny bride. I don't really consider myself to be fat, I'm curvy, and flabby in areas, I know I need work, I need to loose 1-2 dress sizes, and that's fine but now I am confused as to whether I even want to be with someone who will only marry me if I am a certain size. Is his reluctance to marry me at this size indicative of him being ashamed to have me as his wife? I am so confused, as well as really hurt. I just never thought that my fiancé was that shallow. He always tells me that I never need to cover up or be ashamed of my body around him and then he drops this little bombshell, so does that mean I should cover up because I'm grossing him out? And what does this mean for the rest of our lives together, I can only be one size to be worthy of his approval? What should I do?

[hisangel]

I really hope you will rethink this relationship.

I have only one experience where I have heard of this. My friend married a guy and he wanted out of the relationship so he started calling her fat. She wasn't fat. But he wouldn't ease up about it.

My thinking here is that he is trying to be a jerk to have you break off the relationship. That's why he is going back and forth. One minute he doesn't want the relationship so he is going to say hateful things. The next he is going to be loving cause he realizes he wants you.

But I have to agree with madhatteni, 10 years to get to marriage?! Unless you two had an agreement where you both didn't want marriage and now do, 10 years seems like he is staling. I'm sorry to say that cause I'm sure it hurts to hear.

From your age, it seems like you guys have been together since probably 14 or so. And that could be a huge issue too. He doesn't want to get married young so he is doing all sorts of things to get out it.

Again, I would really consider this. If he is questioning now, he will still be questioning in the marriage. Marriage only makes a man that feels like he is on a leash, feel like he is now in a cage. And usually men like that look outside the marriage.

If you want to keep the relationship, I suggest waiting a few more years for marriage. He really doesn't seem to want to get married and you shouldn't force him into it. The same way you wouldn't want him to force you into something. If you can accept that he isn't ready, it may be best.

Guys sometimes freak out that they aren't going to have a bunch of women or experiences in their lives when they marry young. While we think it's romantic to be with one guy, a lot of guys think "One woman the rest of my life!" So when he is young, and in this case, hasn't had any other girlfriends, he is probably terrified. Don't be hurt by that. It's completely natural for him to feel that way. But what isn't right is him treating you a certain way cause he is afraid. He needs to be open and honest and not use anything about you as his excuse.

In cases like this, it's best to ask yourself "Do I want the marriage or the man?" If its the marriage, then it's best to leave him cause he is drowning right now over this. If it's the man, put the dress in the closet and give him the time to feel comfortable. You would be amazed how quick a guy can change his mind when he is allowed the room to make his own decision.

But never let him get away with telling there is something wrong with you. No matter how scared or worried he is, that is never acceptable.

[londongirl357]

If you marry him, he will continue acting this way and saying such awful things and eventually it will break you down and you'll start to believe it and mold yourself to fit his ideal. You'll be miserable and your self-esteem will be shot. I think you should re-think this relationship. If you marry him and he can't handle you going up 1 size, well during your life you're gonna gain and lose a lot more than just 1 size at various points, what will he do then? He'll cheat or leave you. What if you have a baby? You'll feel disgusting during a time that should be beautiful. At his core, he is selfish. Also, if you've been engaged that long, will you ever really actually get married? I had a friend who was engaged for a few years too and in an 8 year relationship, they eventually broke up after 2 engagement parties and 4 years of engagement, she had one serious relationship after that ended, then she met an amazing guy who married her after a year. They have a kid now and are so happy. If he really wanted to spend the rest of his life with you, he would have put that ring on your finger by now.

I really hope you work this out and are ok. Best of luck!

[hisangel]

Well, if you struggle with depression, the last thing you need is mind games cause that will just send you straight back into an episode.

You really need to make it clear that you want to hear his desires in regards to the marriage but you can't tolerate him saying those things anymore.

We train other people how to treat us. And even if he has been nice his whole life, that doesn't mean he will be that way forever, so you can't think that this is just a phase. It may be a phase he goes through for 10 years! And you can't put yourself through that.

[MadHatterni]

Wow 7 years and waited 3 years for a wed. Plus telling you that you need to shed some pounds. What balls. He's not worth it. When your going to get married, you should love them over the looks. Looks will fade then what, he plans to split. You don't need that. The only person to tell you to lose weight is a doctor or yourself. I just think you waited to long and need to get out but that's my opinion. Then in a few months after working out, he will be speechless at the lost he suffered for making you wait so long and saying your weight is a problem after all that time.

[Il_Fonz]

One or two dress sizes is nothing. Like some of the other posters said, it seems like he might be using that as an excuse to get out. Even if he's not, someone who breaks it off over one to two dress sizes is not mature enough to be married.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for saying that. Because I was honestly convinced that 1 or 2 dress sizes was the difference between being a thin and looking like the side of a house! Thanks for the encouragement. :)

[hisangel]

Don't cry! Talk to him! If this is the man you are supposed to marry, you should be able to talk to him about these things. Especially after 10 years together!

[l-hedoniste]

Weight is clearly a deal breaker for him. I don't know what you weighed when you met him, and I hope he didn't mislead you or surprise you with this.

But the writing here is on the wall, in the biggest possible letters: lose the weight, or lose him.

[Anonymous]

he can suck a fat one. look I bet your so pretty ! and if he's so nice then he wouldn't basically say I want a skinny bride. if he loves you then he should love the full package.

[Anonymous]

Wow what a douche... I would dump him

[Anonymous]

Dump that ass!