Guys ONLY: The longer you wait, the more respect you have for a girl?

[Anonymous]

Ladies, I do appreciate everything you have to repeat from Hollywood and mass media, but I'm only going to read what guys have to say; so don't spend valuable time typing. Okay guys, basically my whole life, everyone has told me the same thing. Who is everyone? Mass media, girlfriends, family, my mom, even guys who just copy and repeat whatever girls say because they think that's what I want to hear and that I'm going to sleep with them or like them more if they just nod their head and agree in an effort to sound morally good. What have they all said? - the longer you make a guy wait until the two of you have sex, the more he will respect you. - the longer you make a guy wait until the two of you have sex, the longer the relationship will last. - if you don't wait a long time, then he won't respect you. - if you don't wait a long time, then he won't think of you as girlfriend or wife material and the relationship will never last. When this was all fed to me, I was a little kid. What did I know? They told me Santa existed and bought me presents, and I believed it! As I grew older, I realize that all those sayings "coincidentally" target my insecurities and the things I want most. So I'm curious to hear what guys REALLY think. Don't be ashamed. I'm the least judgemental person you've probably met in your life. I'm very open-minded, and whatever you have to say, for as long as it's honest, I can take it. Also, please be detailed. Vague: long Detailed: 3-5 dates Vague: serious Detailed: potential girlfriend or wife thanks ^.^

[ArtistBboy]

When a man is looking for a potential girlfriend around his highschool years, they often look for women that are fun to be around. Usually there is extremes of social pressure that can influence that man to push his "significant other" into something that otherwise wouldn't happen. If they woman waits too long - the average man would move on. There are individuals that start earning more respect for women as time goes on, but those men are rare.

Myself:

I spent 7 months (during this time we were dating) with my "first" because I was looking for a life partner, not a FWB like some of the others in my life. After that we lasted for 4 years and I was very lienient with her hurting me, she slept with 2 of my best friends and flirted with other men infront of me. All of this has changed my assumption that "Answer A" is the correct choice.

- Now I have chosen "B" and here's why:

Regardless if I sleep with a women after the 3rd date or the 27th - I will appreciate her for being who she is and not for telling me what I want to hear. Any sooner than the 3rd date and that individual may as well be the FWB category unless she has proven in the 1rst and 2nd date that she is my ideal woman (or if my heart is binded with confusion and mixed feelings to make me assume that).

Here's a summary:

Whether or not you sleep with someone, you are still the same person; however, their perception could change about you. If you were great in bed or absolutely horrid, if you smelt funny or smelt great, it is our extrasensory perceptions that lead us to develope a "profile" for our significant other. During those sensations, we aren't figuring out how long we want to be with that person, but merely who they are.

Imagine this:

In a psychology experiment a group of students were given a menu to order from for the next week, during that week they were unhappy with their choice and constantly grumpy

The week afterwards, they were given random meals by the instructors and told to try them. The students were less grumpy and more fulfilled emotionally.

- This is because we cannot determine what our future will hold, so anyone that tries will horribly fail with a very TINY success rate at rare circumstances.

I hope the information helped and was "detailed" like you asked =)

Best regards,

ArtistBBoy

[jacquesvol]

A psychology experiment I never heard about but: 'There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.' Hamlet Act 1, scene 5, 159 167 :D https://www.clicknotes.com/hamlet/H15.html

[ArtistBboy]

Ahh, interesting facts =D I enjoy reading Hamlet

[jacquesvol]

We waited 6 months but I think our relationship would have been as good or lasted as long if we had waited only a week. She felt better that way and I can accept that.

I respect girlfriends that did it the first night but they didn't marry me.

I respect the girlfriends that never did it with me but I didn't marry them.

I can't speak for other guys.

[Asker]

I see what you're saying jac. basically, the poll results are like smack down the middle on the guys' end. first date sex gets you disqualified as long-term material. too long until sex gets you disqualified as not being interested in him or possibly trying to use him or manipulate him. so I guess the million dollar question is what's that comfortable balanced medium?

[jacquesvol]

That comfortable balanced medium is different from girl to girl, from guy to guy. Then you get all those righteous comments one could boil down to one sentence: "any girl who does it [does it sooner, more often, with more guys than I or my beloved one do] is a whore." They post it and they feel soo much better.

[Darkra]

well, in my opinion, according to what I have experienced, I have learned that if I want a long relationship, the best girl to be with is the one that is more sincere and that respects herself the most. I think that it does matter if you wait to have sex with your boyfriend a while after you got together with him. He will take you more seriously, and will know that you are not looking for a boyfriend just to please your sex desires. If you have sex with a guy after the first three dates, he will know that it was very easy to take you to bed, and that it would be the same with any other guy that would come close to you. In my personal opinion, I would expect a girl to have sex in a random moment, several dates after we got together, knowing that we are going to make LOVE instead of having sex. This would make get me very interested in staying with this girl and even considering marriage.

[Asker]

Sure you "say" that. but what I've noticed is that when I'm not thinking and I just do what I feel, those relationships last a lot longer and are more genuine and meaningful than the ones when I'm second-guessing myself and trying to do or not do things because of what the guy will think. guy friends told me, that after a while of dating a girl without having sex yet, they feel that they might be getting used or that she's not even sexually attracted to him, so they move on emotionally

[Darkra]

You're totally right, it might vary from person to person, but the case is that if they feel like being used and change their feeling just like that, means that they were not interested enough to wait for you. but if you think about it that is your best bet because if you have sex with a guy while you're just beginning the relation, as I already told you, he'll think that there is a chance you will cheat on him very easily, even maybe with your own friends.

[setcheck67]

lol yes. Sex is sort of the deal breaker for men. Because at first most men only want sex so they try to please you and make you comfortable around them. However in doing so we slowly develop an emotional connection. When you have sex and you still don't have a connection with your man he will leave you lol. It's the same with me. I start to like a girl, but if I have sex right away I don't see any reason why I should stick with her if we only have a little connection. A deep connection makes me think I wanna be with this girl. I really love being around here and seeing her in my life.

[MittenstheGlove]

No for most guys use the sense of respect line is rubbish. Basically, by telling a guy no, you’re hurting his ego. He thinks you a worthier ego boost if you reject him enough. You’re a challenge.

Don’t be easy, but in today’s day and age, if you’re into someone who’s into you he won’t be worried about his ego or thinking you’re easy or anything.

In my opinion the best women to be with are the women who are genuine and honest about what they want. I’ll respect you for other more important reasons like do you handle your own business? Are you self-sufficient? If you’re none of that, then the only thing I would keep you around for is sex.

[ProjectJustice]

***the longer you make a guy wait until the two of you have sex, the more he will respect you.***

Haha! I don't see the connection! Whatever respect I may have for 'her' isn't contingent on "how long she makes me wait"

***the longer you make a guy wait until the two of you have sex, the longer the relationship will last.***

Pfft, there are people in 'long lasting' relationships that had sex on the first date and there are people in a 'long lasting' relationships that didn't. Its all relative.

***if you don't wait a long time, then he won't respect you.***

Look at my first answer!

***if you don't wait a long time, then he won't think of you as girlfriend or wife material and the relationship will never last.***

Haha. You know, by withholding sex until a certain time you make the entire dating process entirely about the lack of sex.

Do you think a guy wants to waste his resources (his time and his money) on a chick who isn't going to put out?

I think I'll stick to girl's who put out early!

Btw I voted B

[ProjectJustice]

Now you know my opinion on the laughable(from my POV) advice propagated by "Mass media, girlfriends, family, my mom, even guys..." In the end though you gonna have to accept that its relative to other men, maybe, maybe not.

[Asker]

Well, I suppose I asked for an emotionally honest answer, so I can't turn around now and complain about getting exactly that. thank you. i'll never really understand the variation from guy-to-guy. that's a concept that's very foreign to women. nearly all women think exactly the same way about things. they might want different things, but they think the same way. guys seem to want the same things, but all think so differently is just really comfusing.

[Asker]

"by withholding sex until a certain time you make the entire dating process entirely about the lack of sex." why do you take it as me or any girl "withholding" sex? that's not what I'm doing. if you first meet a new girl and don't know her that well, and you don't ask her to marry you or you don't blow your paycheck on vacations and gifts for her, is it because you're "withholding" those things until you get what you want, or is it simply because you're afraid of getting hurt & used?

[ProjectJustice]

***why do you take it as me or any girl "withholding" sex? that's not what I'm doing*** If you wait a long time before having sex, what are you doing? Encouraging it? haha Tell me, if things aren't progressing physically eg; touching, kissing, etc., why should I continue to pursue her if she's not showing any signs of interest?(sexually).

[ProjectJustice]

**you don't ask her to marry you or you don't blow your paycheck on vacations and gifts for her** What the hell are you on about!? The equivalent to a woman "withholding sex" from a man, is a man "withholding sex" from a woman. **...get what you want...** You don't know what I want. **...hurt...** lol

[Asker]

You know, I think it's a shame that a guy that's so emotionally honest, messes it up by getting nervous and reverting to acting like an @-hole or jerk. "The equivalent to a woman "withholding sex" from a man, is a man "withholding sex" from a woman." maybe in action. but in terms of what they want or how much they want something, sex is to men what a relationship or marriage is to women. and yes, it does hurt when you give yourself to s/o and then they leave. you feel used.

[Camilus]

If a girl that I'm dating sleeps with me the same night I meet her then I might think that she is not into serious relationships --> it might not make me less interested in her, but it might make me think that she will either not take our relationship seriously or she may be someone who cheats easily because she sleeps with guys so fast. On the other hand, the women that I've been in the most serious relationships with have all went to bed with me pretty fast...my most serious girlfriend actually slept with me on the 2nd date.

If a girl makes me wait a long time (about 2 months or longer) before she sleeps with me then I'd think that she probably isn't into me romantically and is just stringing me along because she is afraid to break up with me and hurt my feelings, and at that point I'd sit her down and ask her directly if she even wanted to still go out with me.

Woman that are around my age usually are not virgins anymore and don't make a guy wait forever to have sex; they usually know what they want in a guy and if they like you then they make you wait only a couple of dates at max. If a girl doesn't show any affection at all by the end of the 1st or 2nd date then I assume she doesn't like me and I won't call her back anymore.

[Asker]

So, it's a tradeoff between fears. the fear of being cheated on and hurt. v.s. the fear of being lead on, used, manipulated, humiliated, and hurt. if you have sex on the first date, you're afraid that she's likely to cheat on you in the future with other guys. so you do emotional damage control, and limit your interest in her to nothing serious.

[Asker]

But if it's been a couple of dates and you're still not having sex, then your insecurities start to kick in and your mind gets filled with doubts and questions. you start to wonder if she's into sex at all, and maybe you're going to have a boring sex life. or if she's even really sexually attracted to you at all. then you're afraid of this being an act, and you being used, lied to, manipulated and hurt. so to protect yourself, you lose interest and leave.

[Asker]

Holy crap. I think that one post of yours made me realize more about men than I have my entire life. no exaggeration btw.

[Camilus]

Lol

[ArtistBboy]

Geez QA - you hit the nail on the head. Superb job providing examples Camilus =)

[armyant]

Quite frankly, I'm dumbstruck at the independence of your thinking and the insight you exhibit. And no, this isn't sarcasm.

My unpolished theory is that men have a deep-rooted psychological attraction to women who aren't promiscuous, similar to the attraction women feel towards men who are capable. It boils down to the most efficient genetic reproduction strategy. A man is most successful at reproduction when he impregnates several women while ensuring that no other men get the chance to have sex with them (which would cut the chance of the offspring being his). Meanwhile a woman always knows by default that the child she's carrying is hers, so her only concern is to find a man who can ensure her safety during a 9-month period of extreme vulnerability to predators and the elements and even starvation.

Put two and two together and you'll start finding some answers.

[GIntrovert]

This is just a guess. We are social creatures, and we usually rely on more then one person to protect each other.

[ArtistBboy]

"Most efficient genetic reproduction strategy" would be better rephrased as the innate desire of power. Even from ancient times such as Caesar's reign indicate that men desire several "concubines" that stay at home only to become pregnant. The sole purpose being that men would then have an heir to pass down wealth and success to uphold the family name. Best regards, ArtistBBoy

[armyant]

We only desire power because it allows us to create offspring. We don't create offspring as a means to gain power because, quite frankly, offspring do not generate power.

[Asker]

Life is but a small immaterial bump in the vastness of the empty universe. kind of like a bell curve. in school we focus on the curve, but we forget that both ends represent infinity, which means in the face of infinity, whatever action is going on in that curve is meaningless. life, is existing inside the bell curve. rejecting death and the infinite, to instead have the chance to experience and live in the moment; a point and time in infinite space, distinct from other points.

[Asker]

We desire power, because we desire life! those who don't desire life, accept and embrace death, don't desire power. the ones that do, do so because they reject death and the infinite. they want to live for the moment. and since they're living for the moment, power is most important to them, and less important to everyone else; because it allows them to maximize their enjoyment of that moment's experience; be it 80 years, one year, a month, a day, a minute, a second.

[jacquesvol]

"We only desire power because it allows us to create offspring. We don't create offspring as a means to gain power because, quite frankly, offspring do not generate power ". No longer & not or less in the West. In ancient times and in 3d world offspring brought you cheap labor at the farm, someone to pay for what you need after you're too old to work. You could get a dowry for your daughter. Now brothers & sister can still help each other in their carreer. Thus offspring does generate power.

[armyant]

You make the case that offspring doesn't generate power and then state that yes, it does generate power. Most obtuse.

[Asker]

I think jac makes those annoying lsat questions: art: our desire to reproduce shows our innate desire for power. arm: we only desire power because it allows us to create offspring. offspring by themselves do not generate power. jac: offspring do no generate power. arm: you are a most obtuse hypocrite. jac: oh yeah? well your mother is a hypocrite. What seems to be the main conflict in this debate? a. jac b. arm c. art d. gln e. urmom

[Littletad]

Your putting too much emphasis on waiting. It's really, the closer you are together, the more "right" it will be when you do have sex. Having sex early has it's consequences, but there's really no "time limit" to when you really should open the relationship to that step. What matters is how close both parties have become

[JohnRJ]

I say there is a happy middle. Too short, it turns into a fling, too long and it like, OK virgin Marry here and seams more of a manipulation than a romance and so fizzles. Its impossible to put a clock on it but definitely more than a month or two but certainly no longer than 6 months. This depends on everything however.

Belive it of not, Men are into romance too. Sometimes I think more then women, ever watched "Sex and the City"? Carrie mets guy, she wants sex, he wants romance before sex.

[Asker]

Manipulation? how so?

[JohnRJ]

I mean manipulation, not so much of her manipulating him. But actualy of her manipulation of her feelings towards him. There are no hard fast rules. Everybody has there own ideals. But I figure if two people are really into each other then so they should let go. But If either one holds out too long and the other does not when things can fizzle. I have been on dates when she wanted to go within the same night. This has never been my comfort game so I was not interested.

[GIntrovert]

For me, it doesn't make a difference.

It takes two to tango, if you had sex with her on the first date and then decided to no longer respect her, then you are holding a double standard, and in my opinion doesn't make you much of a human being.

[Juxtapose]

I actually have the most respect for women who are very casual sexually because they are showing me that they're not afraid of mutual pleasure and harmless fun!

If I'm not having sex ASAP, I'm not comfortable around the woman/not interested.

[one2one]

To have the best sex in your life, you need to be able talk and enjoy being with your lover.

the time between meeting and having sex is different with each pair as the body in male or female need release badly sometimes and this can mean that you both jump at it quicker then you would do normal.

The best is find a time when you come to a point when you can talk freely and trust each other fully and this will give you the best sex ever. SEX needs you both to enjoy each other bodies and minds.

[BinaryBilly00110010]

Women do a disservice by lying to themselves. This whole respect crap is a farce, and anti-feminist. A true feminist wouldn't say to herself, "I really like this guy, am sexually attracted to him, but in the interest of society's deeply misguided puritanical notion of sex, I think I shouldn't sleep with him just yet." A true feminist would say, "I'm a fabulous person, a true catch, and any guy would be lucky to have me, regardless of whether I choose to sleep with said guy on the 1st date or the 101st. I shouldn't have to bend my sexual desires to cultural pressure, nor in deference to a misogynistic patriarchal society waiting to demonize me for my own sense of sexual expression. Delaying gratification is for bland, boring tourists who believe life is plenty long already and that there is so much time to waste. I believe that having sexually what I want, when I want, empowers me, and respect is earned not by how long I can pretend to be chaste, but how awesome a person I am, and any guy worth my time would see in the first 15 seconds I'm someone you want a second date with, a fifteenth date with, a life with, no matter if I choose to sleep with him within hours of meeting him, or years. That's me, the embodiment of self-confidence, woman, strong & independent." Believe what you want, but as a man, I've loved women I had sex within the first 15 seconds of physically seeing them, and have loathed women who strung me along for months on end because they didn't want to be labeled as a "slut", a term only as negative as the connotation you attach to it. I'm pro-slut, that is a woman who realizes her sexual prowess as a positive and not something that has to be shunned. If you don't particularly like sex that's perfectly fine, buy don't pretend it's admirable to make the guy wait even though you're ready and willing. That's playing games, and games are so cliche.