Why does my husband sneak porn instead of trying to initiate sex with me? I'm really attractive, so why?

[Anonymous]

I am very attractive, into anything he would want to do and I don't mind porn at all just don't like him lying about it and hiding it from me. Why does he wait until I'm asleep to get on the computer to search out porn and then jerk off to it. I find that hurtful. I have even went as far as telling him that when he feels the urge to look at porn to let me know and I would look with him and while he's searching I would give him a "bj" or bend over the desk, whatever he wants.. I've tried really hot outfits. And he still hides it.. I don't understand it. Why would a guy want the pictures, internet , etc, when he could have the real thing?

[TeresaTiger]

It sounds like you are actually quite a lot of fun and very open minded. I loved how you said, "...I would give him a "bj" or bend over the desk, whatever he wants.. I've tried really hot outfits...". You definitely are giving it a real go and I think that is great. I can tell you that that is more than many other women in your situation are doing. At least you have not resigned to the situation. It is also great to hear that you don't mind porn. That is another very positive attribute. It sounds like your perspective on the situation is pretty rational and well-grounded and therefore essentially up to him to change (with your help).

It is interesting to note that the alleged condition called "porn addiction" is highly debatable and it is currently a minority of doctors who support this terminology. Most doctors in the field of sexuality do not believe there is such a thing as real "porn addiction", or at the very least, it does not meet the criteria for a legitimate addiction. That is not to say that it can not become a real problem with some people. Obviously some people do have significant problems associated with using porn.

Based on what you describe, my educated guess would be that your guy perhaps is merely indulging in certain sexual fetishes that he so far has not felt comfortable enough to share with you or tell you about. For example, he could have a fetish for "overweight" women yet you are slender and fit (just an example as I don't know what either of you look like), thus you would not be able to satisfy him on that level. It could be a fetish for a certain race or other physical attribute that did not match yours and therefore you would not be able to satisfy. In these situations, he may just be trying to prevent you from feeling inadequate about something you had little or no control over. Perhaps it is a fetish for certain specific activities that he is either ashamed of or feels that you would be averse to sharing with him. And it could even be that he has recently become aware that he is gay. I would recommend finding out exactly what type of porn he is using. That would really help you to understand this.

Most importantly, you must communicate. Be as honest and open as you can be. Until you do that, you are just guessing. Once you know more, you can more easily figure out how to resolve the issue. I wish you success.

[Asker]

Well I am 5'3 weigh 104 have gotten my breast's enhanced to a 36C. I am very open minded about sex, positions,toys,etc.. We do not have a boring sex life when I can get him to have sex with me it rocks. It's just getting him off the damn computer.. I think I get so mad about it and hurt because I try to make myself look good for him and keep myself and my body up and he does nothing and yet I'm the one begging for sex.. Go figure.

[TeresaTiger]

That is unfortunate. I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time with him. It is good news that what little sex there is with you two is great. I would still highly recommend talking with him. Be completely open and honest. Tell him how you feel and ask him straight out what is going on with him. You can't wait in limbo forever, he needs to eventually face you and explain himself. I wish you success.

[peace-love-couture]

Porn is made for entertainment and to help both men and women get off.A majority of men watch porn,you can't stop them and shouldn't try to,as it shows you're insecure and jealous,which is a turn off.And masturbation is healthy,there's nothing wrong with it,and you shouldn't make him feel guilty for masturbating.

Now,the real issue,you're available to sex,and he ignores you and watches porn.

Well first thing you have to think about,is there ANY possibility he could have a porn addiction?Porn addiction interferes with friends,family,personal relationships,sleep(possibly),work and everything throughout the day.

Secondly,communication is key to any healthy and strong relationship.Sit him down,and without putting blame on him or making him feel guilty,tell him how YOU feel and how his actions(ignoring you and turning you down) make you feel.You would be doing absolutely nothing wrong by explaining your feelings to him and expecting him to listen and take them into consideration.

You could also ask him if there's anything he wants to do or try.Ask about his fantasies or desires,or if there's something,such as positions he would like to try or role playing or using toys or you giving him a lap dance/strip tease(if you're okay with it)

Talk to him.Express your feelings and opinions

[Asker]

I have tried it all, met him at the door in little outfits or little to nothing at all but heels and a rocking body knoee high socks, pig tails, you name it.. Like I said I'm very open minded and I do try it all and that's why I've turned to asking others for advice, I'm running out of ideas..

[peace-love-couture]

All you can do is talk to him really.Or Sex Therapy perhaps

[amandahugnkiss]

I've been married 15 years to a man who gets drunk almost every night and tries to sneak internet porn. I catch him more times then not because he passes out with his winkie in his hand or with his iPad still in his lap with live webcam girls spread eagle.

It's disgusting to me. It is hurtful and it pisses me off. And I don't think I can accept that it's ok. It's not ok to continue to do something you know hurts your wife. Believe me I've tried everything threw the years to keep the sex fire burning. Everything!!!

He's lost interest and I can please myself better than any man has ever pleased me. But it will never be acceptable behavior to me. And on some level it is cheating, I mean come on... What man would be ok with their sig. other lusting after another man? Or masterbating while watching or thinking about another man? Let me hear one man honestly say that is ok with him...

[s3tupMayne]

Porn isn't about how attractive the female is. Chances are that because of who you are and how you carry yourself, you are far more attractive than most of the girls in porn (who really aren't that attractive to me).

Watching porn is like eating junk food or someone else's cooking. It's just about variety and something different. Sometimes guys just want to be something different and it's not meant as a big deal. We'd rather get our rocks off from the internet than go be unfaithful to our significant others.

The only thing that porn really has over everyday sex is that most porn videos involve a lot of enthusiasm. It's hungry sex for sure. Sometimes everyday sex just doesn't have the animalistic desire that porn does. Maybe there's a lack of hunger on the intamite levels of your relationship, who knows. Chances are, if there even is anything wrong with your sex life (I'm just guessing, who knows if there is or isn't), it's nothing that a very short talk wouldn't fix.

That being said, he really shouldn't be lying to you and hiding his activities. It'd be healthier if he explained his fantasies to you, included you in it, or just own up to his activities. It's clear that he doesn't want to hurt you and so he's doing what many average guys and girls would do, just tell a white lie. But he doesn't know that it's affecting you quite the way it is and that he'd be better off being open about his feelings.

[Killfest400]

So far, all the responses I've seen have basically said "It isn't a big deal, guys watch porn."

Generally, I agree with that. A lot of guys watch porn because we have a much more active sex drive than most women. Better to get that sexual satisfaction than to be frustrated.

However, the situation the OP described may be one where porn has crossed the line. The way the post sounds, her husband isn't looking at porn to relieve what's left of his sex drive, but rather is REPLACING her with porn. At that point, the OP's emotional and physical needs are probably not being met (which is probably why she came on here for advice).

I'm not an expert on the subject, but I think this one would be one of two scenarios. First, he may be addicted to porn. If this is the case, you could probably get help with some counseling. Second, and worse, he may just not be interested in you anymore. In either case, forcing him to stop with the porn and have sex with you (seriously, how many women have to do that?) would probably just make him angry, sex unfulfilling, and your relationship worse.

[TeresaTiger]

I pretty much agree with your assessment of the situation (your last paragraph). I completely disagree with your statement (quote): "A lot of guys watch porn because we have a much more active sex drive than most women. Better to get that sexual satisfaction than to be frustrated." It is a total myth that men have a bigger sex drive than women. And also, porn is great for all occasions--not just when you're frustrated. If one is really sexually frustrated, then a bigger problem is afoot.

[Dimonik]

Sex and porn is not the same thing. Relax. Most guys watch porn, I'm not sure why we do it.

But that's just how it is. It's not because we don't like our wife/girlfriend. Porn is not something you need to compete with. Here's a new story that sheds some light on the men and porn issue. (safe for work link)

link

[CuriousChick]

Porn is harmless until it's preferred over real, available, sex... which is what is happening here. I have a high sex drive and would dump any guy who watched porn INSTEAD of sex with me. Watching porn because your significant other isn't around is fine, but watching it instead of having sex with your significant other when they are ready and willing is a major issue.

[Dimonik]

I agree with you 100%. Apart from the idea about what's happening here. Read what she said one more time. She's against him watching porn. So he waits until she's asleep to do it. All guys watch porn. Even my 61 year old father. :p

[CuriousChick]

I reread it and draw the same conclusion. She's against him lying about watching porn and doing porn instead of doing her. I watch porn more than most guys do, and have been seeking pornographic materials since I was a kid (I used to steal my older siblings' dirty magazines and videos!). The study you cited is considerably flawed - 20 college age boys was their sample?! I disagree with the belief that men need sex more than women. I don't think womens' sexuality is well understood (yet).

[CuriousChick]

Most women and the woman in this case aren't afraid of porn because they think it demeans women or promotes violence (I actually learned in a psychology class 10 years ago, that horror slasher movies do more to promote violence toward women than regular old porn). Women hate it because it replaces the sex they used to get. I've been there, and it's a horrible, sucky, feeling to desire sex with your sig. other and not have them want it... then find out they're watching porn in their leisure time

[imin34]

cuz guys wanna see other women. the truth is all relationships are hard work, and get boring at times. so guys like to "ignore" their real Girlfriend and picture a porn star and just jerk off to that. so. just deal.

but seriously... if my Girlfriend offered to blow me while I watched porn I would marry her that's awesome :)

[TeresaTiger]

I agree that relationships can be hard work--work that is worth doing. I think you are giving porn and men in general an unfair and limited assessment though. Everyone likes to look at other people (real or pictures), that's just natural biology--among other things. Porn can be so much more though. It doesn't have to be just about looking at other girls. There is fantasy, fetish, undeniable eroticism and education just to name a few of the many benefits to porn.

[Lucho]

I agree completely. Nicely put, Teresa