I am deeply attracted to man who is married and I think he's trying to send me a message. HELP!

[Anonymous]

So there is this guy that I've worked with the last 5 years or so. We only started working under the same organization the last few years. Here's the situation for last year: - Makes prolonged eye contact with me every time he sees me. - Have caught him checking me out many times and when I catch him he quickly looks away - Becomes "red" in his face sometimes when he sees me - Slyly smiles at me - Gets onto my meeting calls and listens in on them but doesn't announce himself - Will stand near my office with his body facing towards me and stare at me and not stop staring - Has made a couple of humorous jokes - Comes near me when I'm around coworkers and "lingers" - Get into my personal space sometimes (not always) and just stands there Now I got butterflies with him and yes fell for his nonverbal stuff; however I started to inquire about him and found out that he's MARRIED SINCE 2004 and has a two year old son. What are his intentions by doing this nonverbal stuff? To make me "want him"? It was working until I found out he's married and now I am just kind of sad when I see him because I won't cross that line, not that he's ever said anything inappropriate to me because he hasn't, but I think nonverbal speaks louder than words. HELP, what are his intentions and how do I go about letting my feelings go when they feel so strong when we stare into each others eyes. Being honest here, thank you.

[l-hedoniste]

I won't bother with his intentions; you know what they are. The question, then, is how do you resist somebody you're hot for?

Answers like the one I'm about to give make me a bad man and will, one day, get me into trouble: I don't know why you're struggling.

He's making a discreet but fairly clear offer of an affair. If you want to decline, decline. Tell him to stop flirting with you, and, given his current situation, you find his behavior inappropriate. The nonverbal stuff will stop instantly, and he'll avoid you like the plague, and this will all blow over in time.

But before you get hasty, take a glass of wine and an honest hour with yourself, and ask: Do you really want to shut him down? Why haven't you already? Would you rather find out, at least briefly, what those butterflies are all about?

Let me be clear: I'm against cheating. I think it's dishonest and a betrayal. But HE'S the dishonest one here; you're responding honestly to honest emotion. If anyone's crossing lines, it's him.

P.S.: He did not accidentally forget that he was married when dealing with you; he declined to tell you. This shows that he can be discreet. It also shows he can hide things from you.

[HappyGirl10]

You are forgetting here are her emotions. Most girls can't have an affair w/o some emotional attachment occurring. Once that happens, & she realizes she really will never have him (unless he divorces-which is doubtful), it is devastating. He goes back to his wife & she is the one left hurt & feeling alone. Who will she talk to about her feelings? No one- be]cause she can't share it. Work will also become miserable because she has to see him everyday. Unless you can handle sex only,dont do it

[Asker]

WOW - pouring the glass of wine NOW!!!!!!

[l-hedoniste]

I'm not forgetting her emotions; I just believe that she's a big girl, and can handle herself. ALL emotional attachments carry a risk of devastation. No sane adult, however, seeks a risk-free life. We decide which risks we can handle and which we can't, and we try to be smart about them, and keep ourselves from harm. If we never fell for those who could hurt us, we would all lead sad and lonely lives. Besides, we heal.

[Asker]

Why is it that this guy though will walk past stare and "wait" for me to say hello? He never says "hello" first. Hmmmm.

[HappyGirl10]

U can't really speak for how a woman will feel emotionally since you are a guy. Women get more emotionally involved quicker. And we can't break that attachment as easily, in most cases. You are right that she is a big girl, but I why encourage this. Read up on emotional affairs online. They are DEVASTATING. He is being dishonest. However, the question asker has a choice here: if you want loneliness while being in a relationship then proceed. I know. I've been there. It sucks & is the worst.

[l-hedoniste]

I tend to avoid blanket statements like "Women get more emotionally involved quicker" since they're usually wrong, as well as unhelpful to those who decline to fit the stereotype. Some women handle affairs just fine. Some fall apart.Wouldn't it be better for the asker to act on her own feelings and experience, rather than we think women are supposed to feel and experience?

[33tango]

"what are his intentions"

From his actions, he's trying to feel you out and see if you're interested/ a possibility.

"how do I go about letting my feelings go when they feel so strong when we stare into each others eyes"

Stop staring into his eyes! Avoid him and any temptation and he will get the picture.

Let him know in no uncertain terms that if the opportunity ever came up that you would NEVER have an office relationship/romance with anyone because it's inappropriate and unprofessional and would put your job at risk.

By saying this in that round about way you let him know that it AIN'T HAPPENING without embarrassing him or yourself by pointing out that he's very obviously flirting with you.

Best of luck!

[Asker]

Well like I said it's totally non-verbal. In fact, I get so uncomfortable I say hi to him to break the stares/silence. He never says "hello" first.....ever!

[Chiiquita]

I been there... 2 words : Stay Away!

Think about his 2 year old son how it would affect him if they got divorced cause you slept with a married man. If he has a house and all that think about that too.. Can take ages to build what he has family wife and so on.. and less than a sec to ruin it all. Just don't go there

Dont do it cause you THINK he's into u... Look for someone else that's single

& remember the 20/80 rule.

& keep in mind he might blame you for everything if something goes wrong.

Men that cheat are... Never 100% honest

I hope you don't do it... =]

[Asker]

I won't do it. Good thing, I swear good thing he hasn't made a move other than the nonverbal stuff - and yeah you are RIGHT about staying away - it's what I've been doing all along

[Chiiquita]

Sounds great... Be strong & smart =]

[Asker]

Yeah I've been staying away and I have no proof he wants to do anything. this is 100% NONVERBAL.

[Anonymous]

He likes you. Problem is that he is married. If you follow through on this, be prepared for a LONELY relationship where you are together "secretly" but you will never REALLY have him because he is taken. Most likely, no dinners out, no dates, etc. It will just be this fun and exciting fling but it is very unlikely he will ever leave his spouse. So, in the end, you will be the one hurt. I suggest avoiding anything going further. Its sincerely not worth it.

[Asker]

I really deep in my soul and heart 100% agree with your honest answer. I have been trying to avoid his gaze and him altogether and it's so hard - attraction sucks - and I just try to be away from it...thank you.

[Opinion Owner]

I understand. I went through it. And, the only thing I can say is that it is 100 times harder once you "go there" .I did. You now have to see this person everyday ...remember the kisses...hear him talk about his girlfriend (or wife)...but can't have him. You will be left feeling hurt & alone. Its terrible. Better to feel the attraction only--than what you feel if you follow through. If he tries to take it to the next level, tell him you don't see men that are taken. Good Luck

[Lucky1227]

He might wantto hook up.. you should find out how happy his marriage is.

[Asker]

I don't want to just hook up with him. I wouldn't want to do so if he's married and I certainly think I've never had such strong tormenting butterflies in my life!

[Nicgafpb]

Lucky1227... you are my type of girl! and "question asker", I say you kill his wife and take what you want. haha! just kidding but seriously I don't care what you do as long as you feel good about yourself in the end.

[Barbievan]

I'm a year late to this topic here... but if OP sees it I wonder what ended up happening?