He purposely took the condom off when I wasn't looking?

the title explains it. My husband has desperately been wanting to have a child, but I keep telling him that I am not ready at the moment. I am 20 years old and he is 24. I feel like I have a lot of undealt with issues in my life that I have been struggling to work on for about 5 years now. A lot of them are of being sexually abused and losing a child in the past. He either doesn't care or he is too caught up in what he wants.

Yesterday afternoon we found out that his grandfather passed away. A month ago so did his grandmother. Ever since then he has been talking more and more about having children and tells me he prays every night that I am. He even kisses my stomach daily and tells me he knows that I am pregnant, when clearly I am not.

Last night we were about to make love. The room is extremely dark because of the dark curtains we put in the room, so we can't even see one another. So I put on the condom, (which he tells me to), and I turn really fast to take a drink of water, and I am assuming that is when he took off the condom. Well as we start making love I reach to hold his hand, and he has his fists clenched. Unfortunately for him when I touched his hand I felt the condom. I pulled out immediately and broke down in tears.

All day today I have not spoken to him. I feel so betrayed and hurt. This is one man that I trusted, and now I feel that the trust is gone. I don't know what to do or even say to him. I have no idea why he is in such a rush to have a child, but what he did last night is totally unacceptable in my eyes.

We have only been married for 3 months, and I'm beginning to think that it was a mistake. How can I ever trust him again? And what do you think I should do ? Please help

I have talked to my husband and he has agreed to see a marriage counselor with me. We are taking some time away from having sex and are going to try to focus more on understanding one another. Thank you all for your advice.


Most Helpful Girl

  • Have you told your husband about the issues you are struggling with? I know for me, pregnancy is something I intensely fear (at least right now any way). I am in no way, shape, or form ready to have a child. Beyond not having the money, the house, or the health to be able to have a child, I am very afraid of making mistakes my parents made among other things. My husband knows this and respects this, especially since I have nightmares at least once a week revolving around this fear.

    Remind him that you are not telling him that he can never have a child, but that you simply are not ready to be a mother yet. Tell him it would be unfair not only to you but to his future son or daughter to get pregnant right now. It's all well and good that he is ready, but unfortunately it's not about him. It is about both of you and the life that you are bringing into the world.

    I would recommend that you find another source of contraceptive. I really recommend that you speak to your doctor about something that will work for you in this sort of situation (I find the pill to be highly effective, though not always convenient). Choose something that will not interfere with the efficacy of condom use, but will protect you should the condom break or should your husband decide to pull another bonehead move like the one he pulled last night.

    This must be really hard for you... to have lost control over your sexuality and to have lost a child once, I'm sure this all feels like a major repeat to you, but under the worst of circumstances - betrayed by the one person you thought you could trust over any one else in this world. He is going to have to recognize the damage he has done and realize that things are not going to be the same between you (at least for a little while until you take your time to heal from the hurt). If he is unwilling to listen to you, I seriously recommend couples counseling - maybe he will listen to an unbiased party if they speak on your behalf. This is simply something he cannot push in this way (it reminds me of men who decide to slip BC pills to their spouse to prevent conception while letting their wife think they are trying for a baby... it's cowardly).

    The first year of marriage is always hardest and you are still so very young. Perhaps you both went into the marriage with different expectations. Maybe he assumed that marriage meant having a family (some people do think the only point to getting married is to have a child).

    I know you can't know when you will be ready, but try to put a rough time frame on it so he has something to look forward to. "I don't want kids now, but maybe when I finish xyz we can." You should at least be seeking counseling for yourself to be able to work through your past traumas (f you don't already). This also may ease some of your husband's fears of not having a child any time soon.

    Beyond this - his need to have children after so many deaths may not be mere coincidence. Talk to him about the impact these

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      Losses have had on him. He himself may want to see a grief counselor about these losses (even if only for a few months to get over the hump). It may be that he feels his own mortality weighing heavily on him, or that his grandparents placed great importance on having great grandchildren and he feels guilty, or perhaps he is hoping his children live to have grandparents as amazing as his, it may even be that he wants to be able to live to see his children have children so he feels rushed.

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      Thank you so much. I'll definitely talk this over with him. Everyone brought up things I really need to consider but that will also strengthen me personally and also our marriage. What happened is unfortunate, but I honestly think it needed to happen. It opened both of our eyes' and this hopefully will be a breakthrough for our marriage. Thank you once again for your support, it is nice to know there are people who care. =)

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      That kind of positive attitude is very rare and definitely refreshing and I think it will help you succeed in your counseling and your marriage as well. Thank you for sharing this positivity with all of us :)