He purposely took the condom off when I wasn't looking?

[Anonymous]

the title explains it. My husband has desperately been wanting to have a child, but I keep telling him that I am not ready at the moment. I am 20 years old and he is 24. I feel like I have a lot of undealt with issues in my life that I have been struggling to work on for about 5 years now. A lot of them are of being sexually abused and losing a child in the past. He either doesn't care or he is too caught up in what he wants. Yesterday afternoon we found out that his grandfather passed away. A month ago so did his grandmother. Ever since then he has been talking more and more about having children and tells me he prays every night that I am. He even kisses my stomach daily and tells me he knows that I am pregnant, when clearly I am not. Last night we were about to make love. The room is extremely dark because of the dark curtains we put in the room, so we can't even see one another. So I put on the condom, (which he tells me to), and I turn really fast to take a drink of water, and I am assuming that is when he took off the condom. Well as we start making love I reach to hold his hand, and he has his fists clenched. Unfortunately for him when I touched his hand I felt the condom. I pulled out immediately and broke down in tears. All day today I have not spoken to him. I feel so betrayed and hurt. This is one man that I trusted, and now I feel that the trust is gone. I don't know what to do or even say to him. I have no idea why he is in such a rush to have a child, but what he did last night is totally unacceptable in my eyes. We have only been married for 3 months, and I'm beginning to think that it was a mistake. How can I ever trust him again? And what do you think I should do ? Please help

[bitesizedonut]

Have you told your husband about the issues you are struggling with? I know for me, pregnancy is something I intensely fear (at least right now any way). I am in no way, shape, or form ready to have a child. Beyond not having the money, the house, or the health to be able to have a child, I am very afraid of making mistakes my parents made among other things. My husband knows this and respects this, especially since I have nightmares at least once a week revolving around this fear.

Remind him that you are not telling him that he can never have a child, but that you simply are not ready to be a mother yet. Tell him it would be unfair not only to you but to his future son or daughter to get pregnant right now. It's all well and good that he is ready, but unfortunately it's not about him. It is about both of you and the life that you are bringing into the world.

I would recommend that you find another source of contraceptive. I really recommend that you speak to your doctor about something that will work for you in this sort of situation (I find the pill to be highly effective, though not always convenient). Choose something that will not interfere with the efficacy of condom use, but will protect you should the condom break or should your husband decide to pull another bonehead move like the one he pulled last night.

This must be really hard for you... to have lost control over your sexuality and to have lost a child once, I'm sure this all feels like a major repeat to you, but under the worst of circumstances - betrayed by the one person you thought you could trust over any one else in this world. He is going to have to recognize the damage he has done and realize that things are not going to be the same between you (at least for a little while until you take your time to heal from the hurt). If he is unwilling to listen to you, I seriously recommend couples counseling - maybe he will listen to an unbiased party if they speak on your behalf. This is simply something he cannot push in this way (it reminds me of men who decide to slip BC pills to their spouse to prevent conception while letting their wife think they are trying for a baby... it's cowardly).

The first year of marriage is always hardest and you are still so very young. Perhaps you both went into the marriage with different expectations. Maybe he assumed that marriage meant having a family (some people do think the only point to getting married is to have a child).

I know you can't know when you will be ready, but try to put a rough time frame on it so he has something to look forward to. "I don't want kids now, but maybe when I finish xyz we can." You should at least be seeking counseling for yourself to be able to work through your past traumas (f you don't already). This also may ease some of your husband's fears of not having a child any time soon.

Beyond this - his need to have children after so many deaths may not be mere coincidence. Talk to him about the impact these

[bitesizedonut]

Losses have had on him. He himself may want to see a grief counselor about these losses (even if only for a few months to get over the hump). It may be that he feels his own mortality weighing heavily on him, or that his grandparents placed great importance on having great grandchildren and he feels guilty, or perhaps he is hoping his children live to have grandparents as amazing as his, it may even be that he wants to be able to live to see his children have children so he feels rushed.

[bitesizedonut]

There needs to be some definite boundaries and some good communication that need to go on if you want to salvage this. Divorce is always an option, but I would say it should be used as a last resort in most cases. Do what you need to do for yourself first and foremost (getting extra BC to avoid pregnancy and seek counseling) and then see if you two can come to an agreement/work on some of his issues. Good luck - I am sorry this happened. You are in my prayers.

[Asker]

Thank you for this helpful advice. We have talked this over and I was able to suggest marriage counseling, which he has agreed to go through with. I understand he just lost two people in his life that meant a lot to him and he may be trying to fill that void by bringing a child into this world. I have decided to stay off of birth control due to the horrible side effects I had previously when on it. I think we will withhold from sex for awhile until we come to a better understanding of each other

[bitesizedonut]

I am glad he agreed to the counseling. It sounds like both of you have a lot of hurts to heal, within the marriage and within yourselves. I wish you the absolute best of luck in this. Feel free to PM me if you ever need some one to talk to or want some more advice on this or other issues. On a side note - there are different types of contraceptives. I had bad side effects with some of the higher estrogen ones, but the low estrogen pills worked wonders for me. Abstinence sounds like a good

[bitesizedonut]

Idea for now, but oral contraceptives (or some other form of birth control method) may be a good idea if you are worried about having children (for whatever reason). It's at least something worthwhile to bring up when you go to your gynecologist the next time you see him/her. Bring up your concerns and talk about what didn't work for you in the past and why - they'll be able to work with you on it. Just something to consider. Again - good luck with this and feel free to PM me anytime.

[Asker]

Thank you so much. I'll definitely talk this over with him. Everyone brought up things I really need to consider but that will also strengthen me personally and also our marriage. What happened is unfortunate, but I honestly think it needed to happen. It opened both of our eyes' and this hopefully will be a breakthrough for our marriage. Thank you once again for your support, it is nice to know there are people who care. =)

[bitesizedonut]

That kind of positive attitude is very rare and definitely refreshing and I think it will help you succeed in your counseling and your marriage as well. Thank you for sharing this positivity with all of us :)

[rdabby]

1. you need to go on the pill. talk to your doctor.

2. you need to talk to him about the having kids thingy, tell him that you re still not over what happened in th epast and you need more time untill you can actually have a kid,again.

3. you need to tell him that can't afford it yet so you need to have a kid once you re financially, physically and emotionally Ready!

4. the fact that his grandmother passed away mont ago and grandfather died just yesterday! maybe you need to cut him some slack and support him at this time,instead of being kinda selfish about just what You want, not what he "needs", sorry but its kinda true!

5. as number 4 says, am getting the vibe that you re kinda self centered somehow, even though I understand the fact that you had a rough past but if you weren't so sure about marriage and still didn't get over your past, then why did you marry him in the first place? its been only 3 months.

6. the fact that he is tricking you to get you pregnant is just so immature, he has to know that inorder to start a family and to make it work, you gotta wait untill its time. not just because he wants a kid and that's it! kids need time and attention and that leads to number7 which is.

7. you both are so young, I believe so. maybe you should try a couple therapy, am sure that would help.

8. if you want to trust him then you gotta trust yourself 1st!

Good Luck!

[bitesizedonut]

I'm not going to up or down arrow you because I agree and disagree on some points. I think right now, telling the question asker she is selfish maybe isn't the best of ideas. None of us can really know if she is selfish or not, so it really is a moot point. Yes she needs to be supportive of her husband, but he also needs to be understanding of her and her needs. I think couples therapy is a good idea.

[rdabby]

Yes but if you think about it for a moment, maybe its not the right time to whine about this since he is going through hard time himself as well, the fact that he did what he did is really immature. the fact that she isn't sure about her marriage when its been only three month is also immature. am just saying she should support her husband and talk to him about this when its time. all she could do is go on the pill and talk to a therapist!

[Asker]

Thank you all for your answers, I really appreciate them. The reason I brought this situation to this site is because I was unsure of how to deal with it and I was hoping to see the viewpoints of others to try to make better sense of the whole situation. I know that he is going through a difficult time and that is why I talked to him last night about what needs to happen from here and how it really hurt me. He knows everything that I have been through. I was molested by my father and raped by

[bitesizedonut]

Rdabby - I don't think she is whining at all. I think she is asking for honest advice to a situation that is full of emotion and not so easily sorted through. It seems like the kind of question that one would want to pose on this site so one could receive unbiased answers. I don't know if you are married or not, but when you make really big life decisions, doubt is bound to be a factor in the equation. It happens to many people and that is why the first year of marriage is the most difficult.

[bitesizedonut]

Of all the people who deserve a kick in the butt and a good hard look at reality on this website, I don't think this question asker is really one of them. That is just my opinion. Take it for what it is.

[rdabby]

I understand am not saying that its not a problem, it is! that's why am suggesting the couple therapist in the first place, because I feel that this marriage is worth saving. he obviously loves her but he needs to know that having kids at this time of her life probably not a good idea. and she needs to know when to talk to him about what's bothering her. plus going on the pill is safer! To the question asker, am glad that you talked to him about it and am truly sorry about what happened.

[rdabby]

Who said that I thought she is!!!!!! the fact that I said that she is kinda being selfish because he is also going through hard time, doesn't mean that this isn't a problem, its my opinion and the way I see it. it doesn't mean that am right or wrong. its my advice to her. am sticking to my advice listed above and its her choice to take it or not!

[Asker]

Sorry my message cut off earlier.. but I was saying I was raped by another man as well. Those things really affected me in a negative way, especially when it comes to being intimate. I guess I just felt that another man was trying to take advantage of me again, this time being my husband. I want to understand him better and I definitely do not want to give up on our marriage. I know we can work this out. I just think there has been a lot of miscommunication lately. Thank you again.

[bitesizedonut]

@rdabby - I never said I disagreed with you about counseling or really any of your other points. Just that I thought calling her selfish was not the best of ideas. No need to get defensive. In the end we all seek to serve our own needs. That is just part of being a human. We are all self centered to a certain extent. I'm sorry you took my comments the wrong way.

[rdabby]

I wasent being defensive I was just explaining to you my point, I know that we re all self centered somehow, whether we admit it or not. to the question asker, am really sorry about this and I really suggest couples therapy, because looks like your marriage needs saving and he obviously loves you, so its worth it. believe me I understand where you re coming from....

[Anonymous]

he just wants to take the extra step with you! he clearly loves you, and thinks that a child will take it even further... he should Not have tried to decieve you... but marriage is aboutmaking sacrifices for the one you love... and working out the tough stuff, even when it doesn't seem workable. I'm sure over the years You'll do something to thoroughly p*ss him off, maybe even lose some trust... but at that point, you will wish with all of your heart for forgiveness...treat others the way you want to be treated!

and as for the abuse thing, I get it... not personally, but my mom went through the same kinda thing... I would advise you to get some counseling before and when you have Baby.. you're not gonna trust Any guy your daughter brings home, or you will Completely drill the Correct way to treat women into your son, also, you don't want to bedepressed when you have baby, you might come to resent the child.

one more thing... your husband Knows you! maybe he honestly believed that having a baby would be So good for you that he felt it necessary to trick you.. sometimes the people that love usknow us better than we know ourselves!

[Asker]

I know I have a wonderful man in my life who would be a great father. I was just hurt by the fact that he would do something like that behind my back. I have the worst trust issues with people, and he was the only one that I thought I could truly trust. At the same time, I know he is not perfect, and people make mistakes. I just think it will take me some time to gain that trust back, but I definitely will not just throw away this marriage over a bump in the road. This will make us stronger.

[authentic]

"A lot of them are of being sexually abused and losing a child in the past."

Another point. What your boyfriend did to you, as mike180 pointed out, resembles rape. I would call it "sleazy rape". Do you see the connection between this incident and your past? Both were abusing you. Meaning, the "curse" is still on. If you have been working on "abuser-victim" pattern, you probably are aware that these patterns "stick", as if a victim emits a "victim beacon signal" to attract abusers to him/her, subconsciously, and thus the abuser-victim pattern repeats itself like a broken record, same movie, changed actors only. If your gut feelings tell you that this is the case, scream Hell and RUN, and get a GOOD therapist to shatter/erase this curse/pattern; get a ROOT cure.

This link may help you in spotting abusers, although I suspect the kind of abuse you are subjected to is more of the manipulative kind, like the one your husband's trick. Still you may find reading it useful in spotting manipulations. >> link

[authentic]

"How can I ever trust him again?"

It is a serious breach of trust; can't blame you for having doubts with this relationship. In this case, you can give this relationship a timeframe, say 1 year, and see if time will lessen the effects this incident has on you. That being said, it tells you how selfish a person he is. You can ask him, how much resources he has, mental/emotional/financial, at his age, to embark on a 18 years child-raising project? For whose benefit is having a child, the child, or him?

"And what do you think I should do ?"

See a doctor and take the "morning after pill", right away. Have the doctor recommend contraceptives and take them regularly. Whether the guy/marriage is worth working on, trust your gut feelings. Don't think (brain anaylsis) too much, calm down, deep inside you know the answer with this relationship, trust THAT answer.

[l-hedoniste]

First things: if this marriage is going to continue, you need to talk this out. And run, don't walk, to your doc to get on some birth control. Parenting by surpise is way overrated.

The only way to rebuild trust after a betrayal is a long, unbroken period of good behavior. Even then, forgiveness might not come. Expect and allow the sex to stop for a while, at least until you both have similar expectations on what your boundaries are.

Does he have a habit of disregarding your stated wishes? Is this a parenting problem or a respect problem? This may be even bigger than it looks.

Finally, it has been three months, and it might have been a mistake. If so, better to correct it sooner than later.

[Il_Fonz]

Marriage counseling is a must in this situation.

[ambermarie]

i can see y ur upset but I don't think you should let that ruin your marrige, I think he sounds sweet.

i mean make it clear he hurt u, at least he's not out bn a dog like a lot of guys and I'm sure he has a good job and can take care of you if he wants a kid so badly. I think you should stay with him, because you could hav much worse

I'm sorry you hav lost a kid before that would be horrible!

just make it clear to him it wil happen eventually,but your not ready for it yet, also explain to him the sucky side of bn a parent lolz all the diapers and wen they get older and start getting into trouble and how expensive they are and how its something he's gonna have to be dedicated to for 18 years or longer!

[mikkie180]

I wish I could advise you what to do but this just terrible. It sounds like your husband is selfish and immature. In my eyes this just about amounts to rape. To destroy the trust of someone you are supposed to love...you are in my prayers.

[j0rdanj]

yo that is way f***ed up what he did. Especially since you would obviously be the child bearing party. You guys need counseling I would say, and if he's going to do that perhaps you can find a way to protect yourself from getting pregnant regardless of his actions. I'm sorry that happened

[Kariannaa]

He doesn't care about you. You are nothing but a flesh incubator for his fetish to him.

Do yourself a favour, and get a Depo shot or a IUD. Something he can't sabotage.
Do yourself justice, and leave him. Procreative coercion is a giant red flag that the guy is an abuser.

It may not seem this way, but you are in a relationship with an abuser. This guy doesn't care about your wants, your needs, your desires, your thoughts; he just want to use you in order to satisfy his insemination fetish. His behaviour tells us that he doesn't see you as a human being, but a means to satisfy himself.