the title explains it. My husband has desperately been wanting to have a child, but I keep telling him that I am not ready at the moment. I am 20 years old and he is 24. I feel like I have a lot of undealt with issues in my life that I have been struggling to work on for about 5 years now. A lot of them are of being sexually abused and losing a child in the past. He either doesn't care or he is too caught up in what he wants.
Yesterday afternoon we found out that his grandfather passed away. A month ago so did his grandmother. Ever since then he has been talking more and more about having children and tells me he prays every night that I am. He even kisses my stomach daily and tells me he knows that I am pregnant, when clearly I am not.
Last night we were about to make love. The room is extremely dark because of the dark curtains we put in the room, so we can't even see one another. So I put on the condom, (which he tells me to), and I turn really fast to take a drink of water, and I am assuming that is when he took off the condom. Well as we start making love I reach to hold his hand, and he has his fists clenched. Unfortunately for him when I touched his hand I felt the condom. I pulled out immediately and broke down in tears.
All day today I have not spoken to him. I feel so betrayed and hurt. This is one man that I trusted, and now I feel that the trust is gone. I don't know what to do or even say to him. I have no idea why he is in such a rush to have a child, but what he did last night is totally unacceptable in my eyes.
We have only been married for 3 months, and I'm beginning to think that it was a mistake. How can I ever trust him again? And what do you think I should do ? Please help
I have talked to my husband and he has agreed to see a marriage counselor with me. We are taking some time away from having sex and are going to try to focus more on understanding one another. Thank you all for your advice.
Have you told your husband about the issues you are struggling with? I know for me, pregnancy is something I intensely fear (at least right now any way). I am in no way, shape, or form ready to have a child. Beyond not having the money, the house, or the health to be able to have a child, I am very afraid of making mistakes my parents made among other things. My husband knows this and respects this, especially since I have nightmares at least once a week revolving around this fear.
Remind him that you are not telling him that he can never have a child, but that you simply are not ready to be a mother yet. Tell him it would be unfair not only to you but to his future son or daughter to get pregnant right now. It's all well and good that he is ready, but unfortunately it's not about him. It is about both of you and the life that you are bringing into the world.
I would recommend that you find another source of contraceptive. I really recommend that you speak to your doctor about something that will work for you in this sort of situation (I find the pill to be highly effective, though not always convenient). Choose something that will not interfere with the efficacy of condom use, but will protect you should the condom break or should your husband decide to pull another bonehead move like the one he pulled last night.
This must be really hard for you... to have lost control over your sexuality and to have lost a child once, I'm sure this all feels like a major repeat to you, but under the worst of circumstances - betrayed by the one person you thought you could trust over any one else in this world. He is going to have to recognize the damage he has done and realize that things are not going to be the same between you (at least for a little while until you take your time to heal from the hurt). If he is unwilling to listen to you, I seriously recommend couples counseling - maybe he will listen to an unbiased party if they speak on your behalf. This is simply something he cannot push in this way (it reminds me of men who decide to slip BC pills to their spouse to prevent conception while letting their wife think they are trying for a baby... it's cowardly).
The first year of marriage is always hardest and you are still so very young. Perhaps you both went into the marriage with different expectations. Maybe he assumed that marriage meant having a family (some people do think the only point to getting married is to have a child).
I know you can't know when you will be ready, but try to put a rough time frame on it so he has something to look forward to. "I don't want kids now, but maybe when I finish xyz we can." You should at least be seeking counseling for yourself to be able to work through your past traumas (f you don't already). This also may ease some of your husband's fears of not having a child any time soon.
Beyond this - his need to have children after so many deaths may not be mere coincidence. Talk to him about the impact these
First things: if this marriage is going to continue, you need to talk this out. And run, don't walk, to your doc to get on some birth control. Parenting by surpise is way overrated.
The only way to rebuild trust after a betrayal is a long, unbroken period of good behavior. Even then, forgiveness might not come. Expect and allow the sex to stop for a while, at least until you both have similar expectations on what your boundaries are.
Does he have a habit of disregarding your stated wishes? Is this a parenting problem or a respect problem? This may be even bigger than it looks.
Finally, it has been three months, and it might have been a mistake. If so, better to correct it sooner than later.
"A lot of them are of being sexually abused and losing a child in the past."
Another point. What your boyfriend did to you, as mike180 pointed out, resembles rape. I would call it "sleazy rape". Do you see the connection between this incident and your past? Both were abusing you. Meaning, the "curse" is still on. If you have been working on "abuser-victim" pattern, you probably are aware that these patterns "stick", as if a victim emits a "victim beacon signal" to attract abusers to him/her, subconsciously, and thus the abuser-victim pattern repeats itself like a broken record, same movie, changed actors only. If your gut feelings tell you that this is the case, scream Hell and RUN, and get a GOOD therapist to shatter/erase this curse/pattern; get a ROOT cure.
This link may help you in spotting abusers, although I suspect the kind of abuse you are subjected to is more of the manipulative kind, like the one your husband's trick. Still you may find reading it useful in spotting manipulations. >> link
It is a serious breach of trust; can't blame you for having doubts with this relationship. In this case, you can give this relationship a timeframe, say 1 year, and see if time will lessen the effects this incident has on you. That being said, it tells you how selfish a person he is. You can ask him, how much resources he has, mental/emotional/financial, at his age, to embark on a 18 years child-raising project? For whose benefit is having a child, the child, or him?
"And what do you think I should do ?"
See a doctor and take the "morning after pill", right away. Have the doctor recommend contraceptives and take them regularly. Whether the guy/marriage is worth working on, trust your gut feelings. Don't think (brain anaylsis) too much, calm down, deep inside you know the answer with this relationship, trust THAT answer.
I wish I could advise you what to do but this just terrible. It sounds like your husband is selfish and immature. In my eyes this just about amounts to rape. To destroy the trust of someone you are supposed to love...you are in my prayers.
yo that is way f***ed up what he did. Especially since you would obviously be the child bearing party. You guys need counseling I would say, and if he's going to do that perhaps you can find a way to protect yourself from getting pregnant regardless of his actions. I'm sorry that happened
1. you need to go on the pill. talk to your doctor.
2. you need to talk to him about the having kids thingy, tell him that you re still not over what happened in th epast and you need more time untill you can actually have a kid,again.
3. you need to tell him that can't afford it yet so you need to have a kid once you re financially, physically and emotionally Ready!
4. the fact that his grandmother passed away mont ago and grandfather died just yesterday! maybe you need to cut him some slack and support him at this time,instead of being kinda selfish about just what You want, not what he "needs", sorry but its kinda true!
5. as number 4 says, am getting the vibe that you re kinda self centered somehow, even though I understand the fact that you had a rough past but if you weren't so sure about marriage and still didn't get over your past, then why did you marry him in the first place? its been only 3 months.
6. the fact that he is tricking you to get you pregnant is just so immature, he has to know that inorder to start a family and to make it work, you gotta wait untill its time. not just because he wants a kid and that's it! kids need time and attention and that leads to number7 which is.
7. you both are so young, I believe so. maybe you should try a couple therapy, am sure that would help.
8. if you want to trust him then you gotta trust yourself 1st!
i can see y ur upset but I don't think you should let that ruin your marrige, I think he sounds sweet.
i mean make it clear he hurt u, at least he's not out bn a dog like a lot of guys and I'm sure he has a good job and can take care of you if he wants a kid so badly. I think you should stay with him, because you could hav much worse
I'm sorry you hav lost a kid before that would be horrible!
just make it clear to him it wil happen eventually,but your not ready for it yet, also explain to him the sucky side of bn a parent lolz all the diapers and wen they get older and start getting into trouble and how expensive they are and how its something he's gonna have to be dedicated to for 18 years or longer!
He doesn't care about you. You are nothing but a flesh incubator for his fetish to him.
Do yourself a favour, and get a Depo shot or a IUD. Something he can't sabotage. Do yourself justice, and leave him. Procreative coercion is a giant red flag that the guy is an abuser.
It may not seem this way, but you are in a relationship with an abuser. This guy doesn't care about your wants, your needs, your desires, your thoughts; he just want to use you in order to satisfy his insemination fetish. His behaviour tells us that he doesn't see you as a human being, but a means to satisfy himself.
he just wants to take the extra step with you! he clearly loves you, and thinks that a child will take it even further... he should Not have tried to decieve you... but marriage is aboutmaking sacrifices for the one you love... and working out the tough stuff, even when it doesn't seem workable. I'm sure over the years You'll do something to thoroughly p*ss him off, maybe even lose some trust... but at that point, you will wish with all of your heart for forgiveness...treat others the way you want to be treated!
and as for the abuse thing, I get it... not personally, but my mom went through the same kinda thing... I would advise you to get some counseling before and when you have Baby.. you're not gonna trust Any guy your daughter brings home, or you will Completely drill the Correct way to treat women into your son, also, you don't want to bedepressed when you have baby, you might come to resent the child.
one more thing... your husband Knows you! maybe he honestly believed that having a baby would be So good for you that he felt it necessary to trick you.. sometimes the people that love usknow us better than we know ourselves!