Why would my boyfriend pick jerking off over sex with me?

[Anonymous]

Long story as short as it can be, with all the details. I am 21, my boyfriend is 30. My sex drive is way higher than his; I could have sex twice a day, he is usually only willing to have sex once every 6-10 days (occasionally we will have sex twice a week, but it's tragically rare.) I have literally never turned him down for sex; not once. I go out of my way to do things for him sexually. I spend time giving him head as foreplay, I buy sexy lingerie to spice things up, I try to get him to tell me about any fantasies or desires he has that he would like to act out. I am willing to do anything for him in bed, willing to try anything that he would like to, and he knows this. He was definitely more interested in sex when we first started going out; now, a year and a half later, I always initiate sex, 100% of the time. He never goes down on me anymore (I'm clean and I shave!), spends very little time on foreplay, and the sex usually only lasts less than 5 minutes. Recently, I found out that he jerks off anywhere from once to twice a week. This is more often than we have sex. He waits until I leave, and jerks off, and then next time I come over and I hint that I'm in the mood, he turns me down. The worst of this was on Christmas; we both had different family events to attend to, so we didn't get to see each other for a few days until Christmas night. I had told him that I had gotten some sexy new underwear that I was excited to show him, and when I took off my clothes and showed him, he didn't show any interest. This was because, I found out, he had jerked off earlier that day. Christmas day, he knew I would be wearing something special just for him, and he jerks off and turns me down. It is so incredibly frustrating. I am left unsatisfied and feeling inadequate and unattractive because my boyfriend regularly picks his hand and other naked women over me; I just feel like it is really unfair that he does this to me. It's not as if I turn him down all the time, or he has a higher sex drive and I don't satisfy him; it's the other way around. Whenever I confront him about it, he gets incredibly defensive and angry. He says he can't believe it's even an issue, it's normal, all guys do it, I'm the one who needs to change. It probably would be normal if he jerked off because I was unable or unwilling to satisfy him, and if that were the case it would be fine, but it's just not the case. I've started considering breaking up with him. I really don't want to, because I do love him and it is mostly a very good relationship. He cried when I hinted that I was thinking along those terms (I have never seen him cry in the 2 years that I have known him) so I think that this relationship means a lot to him too, but he's told me that he is totally unwilling to change. I wouldn't mind if he jerked off very occasionally if I'm not there to satisfy him, but apparently that's not enough for him. I'm just looking for an outside perspective on this.

[hisangel]

Oh man, that is seriously a hard question. The thing I'm thinking is that he might be feeling sexually inadequate. If he was cheating I wouldn't think masturbation would be as big an issue. And if he was bored or on his way out of the relationship, I don't think he would have gotten as upset when you mentioned breaking up.

What it sounds like to me is he is feeling you two aren't sexual matched and he is feeling a lot of shame over that cause he probably thinks he isn't satisfying you. You have youth, a higher sex drive, a desire to experiment, and it seems, an interest in all things sexual. He has a little more age on you (which will slow him down), a naturally lower sex drive probably and if I took a guess, based on how most relationships are, he is probably not the one that likes a lot of adventurous, experimental sex, but probably likes routine. He probably feels like he is good at one or two things and hates trying other stuff cause it can equal failure.

The fact that he knew you wanted sex on Christmas night and he masturbated kind of shows me he was purposely killing his sex drive for the day. I imagine, it being a holiday, he probably felt even more of a pressure to make the night very special and he didn't want to deal with it.

Men love the idea of a woman that can't get enough but in reality, they really do have a hard time with it. By "can't get enough" he means "Wants as much as I do and asks for it half the time or more". He doesn't want a woman that wants it more than him because it makes him feel like he can't take care of her needs. Not that he won't, but that he can't physically do it. And that kills a guy. My partner says it kills him to see my face if he is too tired for sex but I want it. It absolutely kills him.

And it's kind of a double edged sword for a guy cause even if he tries to keep up with the amount of times you want it, the performance might not be as good as you would want it so then he has to deal with a different kind of shame that, sure he can do it multiple times a day, but it's not very good.

I would say ease up on asking for sex. And ease up on talking about his masturbation. Spend more time just being physical, not sexual. Like cuddling on the couch together. As an older guy, he will probably appreciate that kind of thing a little more. And when you do have sex, just let it be relaxed and casual and what he is used to. And don't criticize him if it isn't the greatest. Sometimes women can make men feel like pieces of meat that we use for our sexual lusts. But we don't even know it cause no one told us it was possible for a man to feel that way. But it is. If he feels like you enjoy the times you have together, he will be more likely to want more of those times. I think right now he sounds like he has a lot of pressure and so he is taking another way out. Hopefully if he sees you want HIM and not the sex, he will relax a little.

[Anonymous]

I'm having the same problem with my boyfriend of 2 years now. We haven't had sex for almost a year... not even on birthdays or anniversary. But he masturbates all the time. If he showers or when I go to work I'll come home and he's masturbated. It's rediculus... it makes me feel unattractive and inadequate. I've talked to him and he just pushes the conversation away. I'm not sure what to do. I hate that he'd rather use his own hand then have sex with me. The worst part is sometimes we will be playing around and he's all only if we had some comdoms. But when we go to the store I'll say let's get some and he's says that we don't need them. What am I suppose to do? I'm about ready to go get a vibrater honestly...

[Anonymous]

Im running into a simliar problem. Im 20 and my boyfriend is 27. I have a really high sex drive, We hardly have sex anymore once a week if that. I need to get off to sleep so i watch porn sometimes im to the point where i ask him not to help so i can just it done with. At one point in our relationship i would wake up in the middle of the night and found him jerking off in the bathroom. It wasn't the fact he was jerking it was the fact he felt the need to hide. We dont cuddle anymore we feel more and more apart. So i know the feeling of feeling unattractive and unwanted.

[mattc91]

Hi there darling, I have to say that your story is heartbreaking to read. As a gay guy in a "committed relationship" I know how some of these simple things can become excruciatingly difficult to handle and understand. I've been dating my man for about nine months and things are very difficult (sexually). Most people think that because we are gay that we want to have sex with everyone anywhere, anytime, all the time. This isn't the case. The easiest thing to do would be to just break up with our guys because who the heck wants to compete with his hand or a p*rn star. My boyfriend masturbates excessively and also while watching other guys at the gym or at drill about once a month. This seems so creepy to me but I can't even question it anymore because he tells me that it's "normal" and that I'm not accepting the gay culture like I should. There are a ton of other excuses that he makes for masturbating which I won't delineate here, but the main thing that we have to decide is: "are we going to continue being left aside and unfulfilled because our boyfriends would rather masturbate and look at p*rn , or do we move on to other people who would be more than happy to enter into a committed relationship that doesn't involve excessive, deviant masturbation to obtain sexual fulfillment?"

Just know that "you are beautiful, in every single way" and that long-term you are better off letting him go, because you are worth too much to compete with masturbation. It's disgraceful to both you and your boyfriend. It hurts like hell, but it isn't love.

[ItalianGodiva]

Thank you. I really needed this.

[Anonymous]

First off, thank you for giving me hope again that women like you actually exist! All guys jerk off. I personally have a very high sex drive and I'm 27... I could have sex 2-3-4 times a day, and still leave room for masturbation. BUT I'd never turn down sex for masturbation. That's stupid. I would always go down on my girlfriend and she began to stop going down on me, so I understand your pain. People just get comfortable, and that's the problem. You two have been together for a substantial amount of time. That was her excuse- "I don't have to anymore". NO CHRISTMAS SEX!? Time to make this guy think. Show no interest in sex anymore. Masturbate on the bed with him, don't let him touch you.. and then just go right to sleep. Over time it'll p*ss him off. If it doesn't, he's weird! Sex is a very vital and important piece of any serious relationship. A guy crying over you is a big deal, and he obviously loves you. Just try to change things up a little bit.. dirty talk. Send him texts throughout the day and let him know you'll be ready when he gets home (or vice-versa). If he has something to think about all day, he won't jerk-off.

[wanacot]

Guys like jerking off, even when they have girlfriends and get sex regularly. It's just what we do.

In terms of sexual drive... I'd say his is only going to get worse. So are you prepared for even less sex then you're having now? I know a lot of guys who would read this and bang their heads against the walls. Here you are, 21 and doing alllllll of this sexual stuff for your guy and it's not even being appreciated. Most guys would kill to be in his shoes and have that kind of gf.

[wolfman39]

If he jerks off with porn... go on yourbrainonporn. com

[jesseray]

The problem is that you are too available. In the subconscious of every man is the thought that courting a mate is a kind of conquest and having sex with her is the reward for completing that conquest. This is likely what drove your boyfriend to pursue a woman so young. When you and him got together, he was in conquest mode and he had to work to complete the conquest and get sex. Now, you are less modest, reserved, and challenging: he can get every kind of sex, in every kind of lingerie, on every day of the week, and he does not need to work for it, ask for it, or even be in the mood for it. In this way, you have ruined the conquest and cheapened the reward. His primal need for conquest has gone unfulfilled and sex with you feels hollow and unfulfilling. To reverse this, you need to make a slow and steady return to being more modest, reserved, and challenging. You need to become a conquest once more.

[ItalianGodiva]

Too available? I get what you are saying but come on... we're grown and in a commited relationship. Those "games" you are talking about are pathetic.

[bubbakong2006]

He jerks off way more than you know or he would be having more sex with you try jerking him off over your tits if he knows you like it things should become more frequent with you

[Beeni]

I'm not sure why. But I'm 41 and I could only dream of having someone with ur sex drive.
I can only speak for myself but honestly I can, HAVE and do jerk OFF right before sex. I have jerked off many a times waiting for my partner to get out of the shower so we can have sex. Doesn't kill my appetite

[Woodsman69]

Masturbating is easy. Maybe he is tired and feels that you need more than he has the energy to give. Let him know that you are want to take the place of masturbation and there will be no judgement. Maybe you would be willing to just give him oral or manual sex with no reciprocity. I can almost guarantee that this approach will result in you being his exclusive sex partner - no masturbation, no others.

[hopelessromantic1992]

Gosh, I am tearing up a little bit while reading this. I absolutely feel every ounce of pain you are feeling. It breaks my heart completely to hear this. :/ I am a guy and yes I'm gay. (Please no judging) and I have the same issue with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. Your story and mine are like exactly identical. I still have no idea why he jacks off and won't have sex with me. :,( and I don't want to break up with him bc I love him with every fiber of my being, just as you love your man. But the feeling of unattractiveness KILLS ME!!! and I just want to be touched. We were created with the need for physical touch and intimacy and my heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry. The only way you and I will have our unselfish needs met would be to find someone else, but we just can't do it. I understand how it is.

[Wunjo1]

Well it is fun

[Andrewosas]

I think it's a thing of the mind. He finds masturbation more pleasing than sex with you. You can't do nothing except he chooses to come out of that cage and live q normal sex life. You can only help him when he is willing.

[Anonymous]

This almost sounds like something I ran into in a past relationship. Does he frequently look at porn and masturbate to it? Most men look at porn to some degree. That's pretty much normal. However, some men have an addiction to it that causes their relationships to suffer. My ex looked at porn daily and masturbated to it all the time, so much so that he totally neglected me in the bedroom. The addiction was more important than I was. He became defensive and angry if I brought it up. He refused to change anything.

I don't know if that's what is going on here but some of the same red flags appear to be there from my perpective anyway. Most men will choose a flesh and blood woman right in front of them instead of masturbation and porn. Something is wrong here.

[Anonymous]

I somehow doubt the masturbation is a major factor. It IS normal and for many men it is more about stress relief than sex. My guess is that this is his just his current sex drive. It may be a more enduring thing or he may be under stress. This may also be partially reflecting your age difference. (He's not 21 anymore!) I'd stop making it about the masturbation and focus more on the relationship and being close. Talk to him in a non-attacking way and just share your observation that sex has dwindled. Has he noticed too? Try to find out if this is just his natural libido, or if there is a deeper issue (stress, relational, etc.). If it IS just his natural libido then you have some work to do: can you work out a compromise or can you learn to accept that this is just the way he is? Different sex drives is just one of many issues that couples need to learn to negotiate. In the meantime, relax about the masturbation; it likely isn't an issue.

[Anonymous]

'I am willing to do anything for him in bed, willing to try anything that he would like to, and he knows this.'

i cannot fathom why he would prefer his hand over you...your boyfriend is crazy and fkn shame on him for making you feel this way

[Anonymous]

Why would my boyfriend pick jerking off over sex with me? he doesn't like f***ing you.