My boyfriend told me I need to look more like a porn star?

[Anonymous]

We were flipping through the channels when we were bored and Sasha Grey was on the Tyra Banks show. So my boyfriend turns to me and tell me "she's actually my favorite." OK. So not a big deal - I've seen her films as well... But now he's been making more and more comments about how she does her makeup, and how her ass looks, and how long her hair is, etc. We were both in the middle of making out and we started fooling around and he stopped me and asked me to go do my makeup like hers. WTH. He's asked me to wear my hair extensions to bed before. He's told me a need to go to the gym to work on my ass. I actually have a nice ass. I weight 115 and I don't really know what the hell else I need to do to have her "perfect ass." I'm on my university's track team so I'm in shape. I'm actually heartbroken. I am not her. I never will be her. I will never be LIKE her. That's just not who I am or what I look like. I though pron was supposed to be separate from a guy's girlfriend? What do I do?

[jdcpa]

Yeah, you're right, porn is supposed to be seperate from a guy's gf.

Sasha Grey is okay. Like, I'm all for petite girls. But her whole porn personality is of the slutty variety. If she's his favorite, that says a lot about him right off the bat.

Since you've watched her films, and possibly listened to her interviews, you'll know how dedicated she is to her work as an actress. She is all about basically being a doll and toy for the male actor, and allowing her viewer to feel that she is doing everything for him, she is his, and the only thing that matters is his pleasure and she will stop at nothing until he is happy.

If a guy actually said that, then he's just showing you how immature he is.

It's one thing to look at porn (as a guy) and notice a girl's sexuality. For example, there are plenty of actresses that I don't really find hot "physically", but because of their attitude and mentality, their whole sexuality turns me on and makes them hot in my eyes. For example, Kayden Kross; knows how to be hot and sexy.

Maybe I'd tell my girlfriend how to move, or look, or be sexy. But that's about it, because that's all stuff within her control. That's all stuff she can do to be sexy, because it's confident, romantic, intimate, and hot. But to ask her to change who she is, physically, to start to actually resemble a porn star I like? That's beyond selfish; that's just unrealistic.

He's basically expecting to find a girl that he likes emotionally, and try to make her and mold her into a girl he likes physically and sexually. If he has a problem with the way you look, nobody is holding a gun to his head. He's with you by his own choice and free will. If he wants s/o that looks like Sasha Grey, then he can go shoot her an e-mail and date s/o that looks like her. He's not going to be upset at you or make you feel bad or put you down because you don't look like a very specific look he finds attractive and sexy.

[Asker]

Thanks that was a really thorough answer. I've been ignoring his calls for a week. He showed up at my place and I didn't buzz him in. I want to meet up with him in another week to talk to him about it - but I have no clue what to say or how to phrase things to get my point across?

[Asker]

Also, even if he does change and stops being so mean and trying to change me. I'll still feel bad about myself. Now I KNOW he doesn't find me personally attractive. Right now I don't feel comfortable about him even looking at me. If we stay together how do I start feeling better about myself?

[jdcpa]

Well, first thing first. The way to get your point across is to rent or buy the DVD "Out of Control" staring Riley Shy. It has that big blonde european beefcake male pornstar whose name I always forget. Basically, this hot, tall, rock-hard muscular sexy object of masculinity; with a huge package to boast. Pretend that just looking at him drives you wild, and how nice it "would be" if your boyfriend looked like him; too bad he doesn't though, or ever will. Oh well. (maybe he'll understand how it feels)

[jdcpa]

As far as being intimate with him again, do excuse his lack of sensitivity and abundance of emotional retardedness. It's not your body he'd feel turned on by anyway. It's what your body represents and symbolizes. YOU. Seriously, if a guy could FEEL connected or close to a watermelon, believe me, he would want to express that by having sex with that watermelon. There's nothing wrong with your body. He just did a bad job of trying to bring his pornstar fantasy into real life.

[jdcpa]

He probably doesn't even understand what exactly he's feeling, and that's probably why he's doing such a bad job of communicating what that is to you. The reason he likes Sasha Grey has very little to do with how she looks. If that were the case, he'd like Little Lupe, Tori Black or Amia Moretti more. He's turned on by her sexuality. He likes HER version of female sexuality and femininity; because it lets him explore the version of his male sexuality and masculinity that makes him feel good.

[jdcpa]

I draw the line of what I find sexy to Kayden Kross. Her sexuality is loving the guy. She's just warm, intimate, sexy, and wants the guy to feel good. Sasha Grey is the extreme of Kayden Kross, or the total polar opposite of a dominatrix. She surrenders herself completely to the guy, and begs him to do w/e he wants to her. She's willing to do w/e it takes to make him happy. She's his slut, his wh0re, his little sex toy whose pleasure is his pleasure. That's what he finds sexy in her.

[jdcpa]

I personally wouldn't enjoy a sex slave. It would feel like she's doing it because she feels she has to (to keep me around, or because she wants me to like her) rather than because she genuinely knows she can drive me wild and wants to make me happy. But this guy clearly is all for that kind of sexuality in a girl. W/e. That's something you'll have to determine if you're comfortable and okay with. If that's a part of you that you've been suppressing and afraid to explore all these years, fine.

[jdcpa]

But if you don't feel comfortable with that, or if that's just not your sexual nature at all, then clearly, the two of you are incompatible. And if that's the case, I wouldn't waste any time trying to resolve the whole "how could you say those things, do you know how I feel?" issue. I'd just save a lot of time and just skip to a short-and-sweet break-up speech instead.

[Asker]

We've always been compatibal. At least the past 3 years we have. And that's a really good point you brought up. About him being more interested in her sexuality and actions rather than just her physical appeal. But that terrifies me. I haven't gone out and bought any of her dvds, but I've searched some clips up and her crying at the end? and like scooping tears and come of her face - there's no way I would ever want to have sex to please him to the point where I'm crying.

[Asker]

PS: the watermellon comment lightened my mood a bit. I'm just really worked up over this. He's NEVER ever done anything to hurt me emotionally/physically in our entire relationship. And now it's like he's gone completely 108. I've thought about just breaking up but I know this isn't him. He's just being so stupid and mean atm. Oh. And about the whole sexual nature thing. I've been extremely submissive (just focusing on pleasing him) and aggresive (taking control of him and just having with it).

[Asker]

So I'm open to trying whatever he'd like, and I've tried anything he's wanted at least a couple times. But I can't stand anal. It's too painful. And there are anal sex scenes in all her porn movies. I just want him to develop boundaries. I'm ok with a little pain (like light biting) but I don't want to be pounded in the ass till I'm crying.

[jdcpa]

Hmm.. sounds like after 3 years.. he's bored.. maybe sex has slowed down, or just stayed the same.. I have an idea.. why don't you try a little game with him? here are the rules: - you're going to try your hardest to make him blow his load - he's going to try his hardest to resist you - see who wins.. or how long it takes him to lose.. lol the point of this exercise is to allow him to appreciate your sexuality as a whole, and prefer it to Sasha Grey's just don't "try" too hard.. it's not sexy

[Wonderfulcounselor]

RUN from this guy as fast as you can. Stay away from porn. It is an addiction that will destroy lives. Why is porn so bad? Number one, it presents unrealistic expectations of intimate relationships. Just look at how your Boyfriend reacted. That proves my point. After seeing the porn he expects you to look and perform like that. Trust me, you do not want a man who is into porn. We have been tricked in our society that watching porn is normal and healthy. Here are some research facts:

One study demonstrated that pornography can diminish a person's sexual happiness. The researchers found that people exposed to nonviolent pornography reported diminished satisfaction with their sexual partner's physical appearance, affection, curiosity, and sexual performance. They were also more inclined to put more importance on sex without emotional involvement.

For example, of the 1400 child sexual molestation cases in Louisville, Kentucky, adult pornography was connected with each incident and child pornography with the majority of them. Extensive interviews with sex offenders (rapists, incest offenders, and child molesters) have uncovered a sizable percentage of offenders who use pornography to arouse themselves prior to and during their assaults. Police officers have seen the impact pornography has had on serial murders. In fact, pornography consumption is one of the most common profile characteristics of serial murders and rapists.

Stay away from porn and people who are into porn. The average person isn't going to be a rapist but at the very least he or she is going to have a thought practice much like your current boyfriend has. If you want to know how to find a guy who is on the right path and will treat you right, read the Bible. The Bible tells us everything we need to know on how to treat others.

Good luck and God bless.

[rachie123]

I'm kind of late with my answer here, but maybe I can still help. I'd be honest with your boyfriend and say that you're never going to look like this porn star, you don't want to, nor do you feel the need to in order to satisfy him. I'd tell him you understand his fascination with what she does, but you are capable of doing sexy things to please him and you don't need to suddenly look or act like someone else to do it. Tell him if he expects you to be someone you are not and that's what would please him, maybe he needs to find a new girlfriend. Maybe he is just into role playing and thinks the idea of pretending to be someone else is kinky, who knows. Tell him who he beats off to on his own time is his business, but when it comes to being in a relationship he is your man and YOU are his girlfriend, not Sasah Grey. Ask him why he finds the idea of being with a porn star who sleeps with a billion guys so appealing? You could always turn around and say yea ok ill dress and act like sasha grey, would you like me to become a real porn star and sleep with other men for money because I could arrange for that since you like it so much. LOL. Maybe that'll wake him up. Tell him you're going on an interview for a strip club, tell him since he wants you to look the part, you might as well act it too. I bet that'll shut him up. No guy who loves, respects and values his relationship would be down with that scenario sister.

[ashleynatasha]

Well it may be a fantasy its not a Realistic thing !Once men get what they think they may want they don't want it anymore!does he really want a porn star?i don't think so!once the fulfills his fantasy he will move on! For instance with strippers once they find interest in a man they realize its not just a fantasy anymore!All you can do is be you my boyfriend want me to dress a certain way and I try to please him but you can't change who you are!He may think he wants it but he doesn't because he is with YOU!So if anything talk to him about it you can't change who you are and if he doesn't like that a man will come around that will certainly like you for you!

[Natalieee]

He sounds like such a jerk to say that to you ,if a guy said that to me I would be heartbroken to. Don't change who you are. He fell in love with you , not sasha grey. You should tell him you think (some celebrity dude ) is hot and tell him he needs to start being more like him. See how he likes it.

[Asker]

Ahhh I wish I could just be a bitch and say that. But most of the guys in porn are disugstinggggg. And honestly you never really find out about who they are - its the female actresses that get featured. But yeah. I don't know. I feel like if I were to do that to him we would just both be bashing each other and it'd get more depressing. Thanks though. I sometimes wish I could just be like that.

[meddleatom]

Seems about right to me lol how'd you get a down arrow?

[Natalieee]

Because people suck xD rofl.

[Glamgoddess]

Girl do your makeup and your hair just like Sasha Grey & then go put a really slutty dress on...then send him a text message with a photo of you looking like Sasha. The text message should read something like this:Ummm, thanks for motivating me to find my inner Sasha, but now that I look this hot, I need to find a guy who deserves it...DEUCES...good luck doll! :)

[sonic241928]

Your boyfriend's kinda stupid.

[rainydaydreamaway]

If he's really been a sweet guy, till now, did he fall on his head recently? =D J/K!

A lot of the guys really answered this very well and gave you great feedback. Your otherwise sweet guy did a p*sspoor job of initiating roleplay.

He needs to show you that your are hot to him just the way you are and that he is more attracted to the real you than any other woman, esp. some phony porn star, before you can trust him enough and feel sexy enough to share your bod w him.

If he is ever stupid enough again to stop foreplay/sex to tell you to go do your makeup like a pornstar, you should do just that and then leave to go out with your girlfriends to any club you like.

Don't view it as bitchy or game playing. View it as your contribution towards evolution: preventing undesirable behaviors from resulting in reproduction into the next generation! Do it for the progress of mankind! I'm not kidding!

[Zingbat]

Hold on, hold on, hold on...your in college track? Xcountry? T_T That is so overly unattractive... So, What's your email again? >.< But seriously..He's nuts and I hope by now you straightened him out (but honestly got rid of him if he was saying that...he doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve it either). I'm curious to see if he lasted after 6 months. I'd tell my friend to kick his butt to the curb if he thinks like that in that area of life because you never know what could else later could come up.

Best of luck

-zing

[Buckminsterfuller]

Thats definitely not right...just remind him that porn is FANTASY! You are real and if he wants to keep you he has to make sure he remembers that and appreciates you for who you are!

[Subotai]

Well to be honest I enjoy Sasha Greys work, although my favorite is Sativa Rose. But she is an actor how she looks is not how I expect or want my girlfriend or anyone else to look and she is also acting when she does those films. And by acting I mean getting f***ed by random strangers. I don't suppose you sleeping with hundreds of other guys is part of what he wants you to do now is it lol. Sex is not the only part of a relationship. I wonder if it strikes him what terrible girlfriends or wives pornstars would make how profoundly bored and uninterested in sex they no doubt become when it becomes their gruelling and often demeaning 9-5 job how much of total primadonnas who would probably demand total obedience from any man they are and how most of them can barely operate a microwave and live on a diet of coffee and cigarettes. But I am on a tangent here it is truly unacceptable he is asking you to look like someone else and thinking of you as some kind of sex doll. I don't think its that unusual for a guy to ask a girl to maybe wear some lingerie and slutty makeup, in the bedroom, not in public, and act a little like A pornstar to indulge his fantasies but the fantasy would be you as a pornstar not you as Sasha Grey or any other actual specific pornstar. It is nice that you have such an understanding attitude about us guys and porn and are not really judgemental but he has taken advantage of your patience. You should dump him so you don't waste any more of each others time and he and his left hand can get back to enjoying Sasha Grey. I hear that if you scrape together a few thousand bucks and go to LA most of those girls do escorting(high class hooking) on the side and he can bang his real fantasy woman. Believe me it won't be your loss it will be his. He is not really an adult he is a child and therefore too young for you anyway.

[lilwintergirl]

Good for you. He is being an asshole. He shouldnt ask you to change. He's being a jerk and if he keeps doing it, dump him

[Julian]

Oh, and dump him if he can't appreciate you just as you are!

[Julian]

I have a good suggestion. Please get the following book from the library and read it and discuss it together. It'll only help your relationship. It is called "Love and Pornography" by Victoria and Garry Prater, and is about this issue and is a really honest book. She wants to feel loved and appreciated for who she is. He's into porn. The book is about their struggle to find love together.

You are perfectly fine just the way you are. Pornography sets up ridiculous standards for both females and males to try and live up to. It teaches males everything that is NOT helpful about how to love and respect a girlfriend as a whole human being. Your boyfriend would do well to stop looking at the stuff, because it will only lead him away from appreciating real human beings like you.

If he keeps pressuring you, and won't read the book, and thinks "there's nothing wrong with me, the problem is all you" then he doesn't really care about YOU, he cares about turning you into someone you are not. And there's only one you, so find the guy who will appreciate you for who you are, not for who some guy wants you to artificially be.

Good luck with this and report back, please!

[ready2sacrifice]

Sounds like your hot, maybe sasha grey should try to look more like you

When you bring it up be direct, tell him that he insulted you and that it wasn't just what he did but how he did it, let him know that she is on tv and that if he needs to realize that he's got a great girl that's allready here and that he needs to realize that

Hes gotta fantasy in his head, I don't think that what he was asking was completely out of the question, but he worded it wrong, he shoulda asked you to fullfill his fantasy in a better way. Where he messed up was 1 comparing you to a specific person and 2 not asking ahead of time, stopping and telling you to go do your makeup like her was kinda f***ed up, its kinda like role play but instead of a cop he wants to be a pornstar too

[ALWAYSclassy]

So if your boyfriend told you to jump of a bridge would you consider doing that too? Tell him to f*** off, you shouldn't have to change just because he has some porn star fantasy. The guy sounds controlling and mean. First it's your makeup, next it's your hair, then you need to work on your ass, then it'll be a nose job, then you'll need breast implants, then you'll have to dye your hair and so on and so on. You can't win with guys like that. Tell him he's an asshole and he should look more like Taylor Lautner. He is the epitome of sexiness so your boyfriend might need to start tanning and lifting weights because his lackluster body isn't doing it for you. Flip it on him, don't be a doormat.

[Star93]

I agree:)

[jabbyleigh92]

Dats right! I agree 2 dis!!!

[Reeses-pieces777]

ok tell him to like mind his own business. guys shouldn't be telling their girl what to wear and not to wear or how they should look like or not. none of their freaking business.

[ArizonaRX]

I know this is old, but what an asshole. haha

[CurleyCutie]

i agree with some pple on breaking up with his ass but I'm gonna try to give him the benefit of the doubt. sometimes guys say something and mean something different. he may be trying to say be more like her in the way she acts because in porn postioning yourself matters alot. its all an act. maybe he wants you to act more like a porn star. be more aggressive and take control. just a thought, even though I still think leaving his ass is a way better idea

[iNick]

I didn't even have to read the story... Brake up with his ass!

[severino]

sounds like he's trying to change you or provoking a fight so you'll break up with him (some men are cowards like that) I'd leave him before he really wreaks your confidence you don't need that from any man.

[m3TALchick]

Your boyfriend needs to know the difference from fantasy and reality. He should want you to be you and not someone he has never met.

[katiesmuff]

Maybe you should pick one of those guy Sasha is doing in one of her flicks and tell the boyfriend don't come to bed until he looks like one of those guys.

[musicbrain5]

Leave him! No girl needs a guy who wants them to dramatically change the way they look or act. Plus he wants you to look like a porn star, which is just totally unrealistic.

[jackflynn7]

This man lives in a fantasy world. Find someone else.