How can I get my boyfriend to be more aggressive in bed?

OK so I'm trying to figure out a way to get my man to be more aggressive because that is the *BIGGEST* turn on for me to be able to have him just come in throw me on the bed and get rough! but he won't and I *REALLY* want him too but He just won't! I have asked him but he says he will try but no promises. it's so f*cking aggravating and I can't figure it out why he says he will try but doesn't and asking him to doesn't do any good! help?


Most Helpful Girl

  • Hang on a minute - you have a guy who doesn't want to hurt you, and you're complaining? LOL!

    Seriously, try to see this from another perspective for a second. Maybe he really cares about you. Maybe you're the person he cherishes more than anything in the world. Maybe the last thing he'd ever want to do is to hurt you. Then you come along and ask him to be rough with you. He feels uncomfortable with this, because it goes against all his instincts. He has every right not to go somewhere in bed where he doesn't feel comfortable - just as a woman who DIDN'T want rough sex would have every right to refuse it.

    However, I don't think this means that you should give up on the idea entirely. What you're asking for is essentially a kind of roleplay - you don't want him to beat you up for real, and you don't want to be completely powerless, but you do want him to be a bit rough and to play the dominant role. There's nothing wrong with that - many women feel the same way! But to have that roughness alongside real love and care takes a LOT of trust - emotionally, you're asking this guy to go out on a limb. Some guys have to feel completely comfortable to be able to 'go there'; they feel that it's risky and they worry about losing control.

    Maybe, therefore, you need to work up to it. Rather than expecting him to be the alpha male between the sheets all at once, perhaps get him to do a couple of small things, gradually increasing the level of intimacy and trust between you - spanking you, for instance, might be something he would be comfortable with at first. Be encouraging when he does things that you really enjoy.

    Also, remember that sex is a reciprocal thing. If you're going to ask him to fulfil your fantasies, you need to be prepared to fulfil his in return. Many, many guys like the woman to be dominant, finding it a huge turn on. So be prepared to take it in turns with him if necessary - and enjoy the different roles and characters you can play. The amazing thing about sex is that it can be different every time!


What Guys Said 7

  • "Harder. No, harder. Almost. Again, HARDER."

    Coaching, drill, repetition. It's how you teach anyone anything.

  • Haha, this reminds me of when I first started having sex... Well, if you start getting a little more aggressive in bed (or a lot) and take sort of a dominant role and tell him what to do, he may be more responsive. I remember when I first started, I was scared I'd hurt the girl, but when she showed me she wasn't, I was more willing to try it. Just take the lead, and be extra responsive to let him know you really like it, and he'll get the message that you like it better. If his main concern is your safety, after seeing you enjoy the rough stuff, he should feel better about the ordeal, and eventually he may adopt your mentality (the end goal). Best of luck, and remember, there's almost nothing conventional you can do to him in bed that will hurt him.

  • Erotic literature might help. Sites like literotica and have tons of stories, some are spoken word. If he reads or listens to some scenarios it might make him realize that being dominant can be fun. I would say porn video but it is usually unrealistic. The erotic stories should make him open his mind to some of the fantasies you want to explore.

  • I completely understand him and where you are coming from. Well he is probably a little shy. For example if he is getting you from behind tell him him a very firm but seductive voice you pull you hair or smack you ass. Just tell him is the best thing you can do. Tell him it makes you want to cum.

  • OMG where can I find a girl like you! I'm talking about breaking dem hips and sh*t. Anyway...If you asked him and he has tried and failed you need a new man. OK he may satisfy you emotionally and mentally but sexually? You have needs too! Alternatively, take him to a workshop of the kind!

  • just tell him. you have to communicate to have a good relationship

  • He might be the kind of guy who feels bad being so aggressive, maybe he doesn't want to start enjoying that too much. Meaning, if he gets into it hardcore, he may feel that you would perceive it as the only thing he's interested in you for. If he's not going for it yet, don't worry, just start upping it incrementally during sex. Be dirtier, little by little. He'll see/feel how much it turns you on, and chances are he'll try to do that stuff more and more.


What Girls Said 2

  • You don't want to just be demanding aggressiveness. It's going to sound to him like he's doing something wrong and break his confidence and the situation will only get worse. Is he aggressive at all? Like in any way? Because if he is I really think you can just work slowly at this and praise the hell out of him any time he does anything a little more forceful than usual. Like really make sure that he knows how hot you think it was and how much it turned you on when he grabs you like that or whatever. This works the opposite way of being demanding. It builds his confidence and makes him think of more things he can do to get praised like that.