My girlfriend has a lot of problems. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend Jessica is beautiful and I'm crazy about her. She's 18 and I'm 19. We've been together a year and a half and she's (was) a happy person So one day we were watching "I spit on your grave" and during the rape scene she looks at me, eyes full of tears. Gets up runs to our bedroom. Locks the door. I go up after her to check on her but she won't answer. Finally she did after some talking. She was crying so much, I couldn't believe my eyes. We sat down and I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing I just feel bad for the girl from that movie. That was a load of b. s. I already knew that there was something terribly wrong with her. So she finally broke down and told me what was going on. She said that between the ages of 13-14 she was molested by her stepfather. Then while she was 15 he raped her. I was furious by then. I wanted to fucking kill him. I wanted him to rot in Hell. I chose to calm down to comfort her. I told her that everything would be ok and I would protect for the rest of her life. We both were crying then ended up sleeping it off. When we woke up she was still sad. She became depressed for a long time. Fast forward two / months. I had started drinking and didn't have control over myself. So I don't even know why but I was drunk and we got into and argument. She hit me then I hit her back. Pushed her against the wall and yelled at her. She broke down before I realized what I was doing. Then the next day she told me what I had did and I couldn't believe it. I just couldn't. So I promised her I wouldn't ever drink again. She knew I was sorry and I loved her. She is still depressed. I can't deal with her being sad. What should I do. I really need help.

[ShepherdOfFire99]

Awe. It seems like you really love her and thankfully I do think I can help.
I was raped and struggle with depression as well, and I relate very much to your girlfriend. The good news-- me and my boyfriend had these issues which are resolved now. It's very real but very possible to overcome.
The first thing you need to do is give up alcohol. You should never lay a hand on a woman in violence. That, I promise you, is going to run deep in her for the rest of her life (I have experienced similar things, I still flinch at fast movements) it will not go away. And if you did it once while drunk, you WILL do it again. Stay away from alcohol.
Now, the next step is to go and find a therapist that will be able to meet with her. Someone that has been raped cannot go without therapy. Trust me. I tried.
Now, after you find a great therapist, go get her favorite takeout and ask for a movie night (watch Disney or something cute and happy that you know will not trigger her). This will provide her with a distraction from her thoughts of what you need to do before. Before the movie and the eating, sit her down and talk to her. Tell her that you love her very much, and gently tell her that you love her deeply. Tell her all your feelings of love for her, and then tell her you want her to be happy. And that you are going to take her to therapy. Make sure to make it clear that you're doing it so that she can move forward in her life.
Professional help from a therapist is the only road to recovery.
She also should file a police report. But the therapist can help decide that.
Now, the next step is exclusively for you. Accept who this tragedy has made her. She can get better through therapy, support, and her own efforts. But she will always be scarred. She will always have nightmares. She will always have breakdowns over this. It is something you need to learn to love about her. She will be happy again, and stronger than so many others. But she will always have this burden there a little bit.
I am very touched that you love her through this. It gives me a lot of hope :) I pray that my experience in full recovery will help you and your girl. Feel free to message me if any further problems come up. Good luck to you and God bless💙

[thorthorley]

U need to start doing positive things together. I dont think it is necessary to talk about it anymore but if things need to be said to get them off eachothers chest, then do that. Basically she is caught in a negative frame of thinking and she needs to start thinking positively about things. For men usually we just go and do activities and this can work for women but its better if women spend time talking about positve things and sharing positive emotions with their partner. if she has some close friends then i suggest getting them together and doing postive things. Girls need people around them at hard times where men tend to need space. Although if she does need space and is overwhelmed ten give her that. a good thing totalk about is the future and positive things about your future together. Usually people will have good thoughts about the future whereas there are likely to be bad memories in their past. Also being in an environment which is positive also helps. If your home is dark and there isn't much lighting then open the curtains or redecorate to make it more lively and happy. This activity can also be a positive one to share with your partner. Also holidays r good or just going places to hang out. I would also advise u to watch happy movies and nothing horror or dark in nature. Im sure u can be creative and know what your partner likes and make life more positive in a difficult time. Hope this helps a little.

[emeraldsnake510]

Get yourself to AA, find her a counselor too, and maybe couples therapy. And you have to choose if you want this or not. When with someone who is damaged, you are opening yourself up to having that negativity be part of your life, to have her pain become your pain. If you want that and can say "yes" then be there for her. If you cannot, then this relationship will ultimately be toxic to both of you