Lost my virginity to a guy that is now my friend with benefits - will this work or am I bound to get hurt? HELP!

Hey guys. So here's the deal: I met this guy in class at my university like 5 months ago and we both instantly hit it off, and started to become friends. He gave me his number and we started texting each other and hanging out of kind of more than friends but less than dating type deal. We started fooling around and it led to oral sex. But me and him both felt that we didn't want to be tied down in a relationship (I also come from a pretty typical Indian family and know that there would be no long term future with this guy unless I want to get killed lol). So I think we informally agreed to be friends with benefits. But, we both continued to act like we were secretly in a relationship I feel. Like we've been out to school functions and stuff together, he holds my hand in private, and we cuddle and text each other every couple of days. There's always pauses here and there when we have too much work to do but we both understand. Recently, like a month ago, he slept over at my place and I lost my virginity to him. I had mixed feelings after, not so much because I felt bad about losing it but because I wasn't sure where this was heading and obviously confused. He continued to act very sweet, made me breakfast the morning after, texted me after, etc. Our next hang out we didn't have sex but just hung out and fooled around a little. I will admit that after we had sex I felt a need to be more emotionally connected and had feelings that seemed to be reciprocated. So yesterday (the first somewhat serious conversation we've had after having sex) I asked him if he wanted to have sex again in a joking way and he said he feels emotionally numb from his past relationship and he just feels he's so fed up with relationships in general and that he thinks they don't work. I basically told him I would maybe want to be in a relationship if it were possible but I know it's not. He said he felt worried about me and that things are getting complicated. I told him I could handle myself and that if I felt things were getting too intense I would tell him to back off or I would just step back. After this we both kind of lightened the mood and talked about funny things,etc. and it was fine and ended on a good note. But, my main question is do you think a friend with benefit arrangement can work with a guy you've lost your virginity to (and losing it was defs a big deal for me)? Or am I going to end up getting hurt? I definitely feel like I want to be in a sexual relationship right now and if it's not him it might end up being someone else that I trust. And obviously it's better to stick with one guy for a number of reasons. What do you feel about this situation? Do you think we should stay FWB or no? If not, how do I end this?
Updates:
+1 y
Thanks a lot everyone! Your advice was probably more helpful than you think. A lot of things have changed in the 9 days and I don't feel any emotional connection with him anymore. I think I'm going to end it. Everyone had great answers!
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Most Helpful Girls

  • You said yourself that this cannot have any long-term future due to your family. That is your decision to make. And he is saying he really does not want a relationship either.

    So, taking that info, I would say by having added sex into the equation, you have now introduced complications. FWB is a big-fat fallacy. Girls frequently start developing feelings of attachment after they have sex with someone. You may not fall in love, but you certainly feel attached enough to want the person you had sex with to really, really want you in their lives. At the least, you wouldn't want that guy to just lump you into a category of girls to sleep with and not differentiate you from another girl. We like feeling special. But, guys can sleep with girls, even like them, but not ever have a feeling of attachment. Worse, in FWB it is perfectly fine for either of you to sleep with someone else, though girls tend to feel very conflicted or judged poorly for doing so, while guys can completely embrace this.

    So, if you two are not going to have a relationship, don't fool yourself on FWB. It is a slippery slope and you will end up hurt because you are going to get attached to him but nothing can come of it, as you have said. And FWB with someone else won't solve this either. I personally figured out abstinence was better than a casual fling until I was ready to have a relationship. FWB can really mess with you and bring you down because you just won't be able to resist wanting more with him and then beat yourself up wondering why you are not getting it. Good Luck!

  • he's using you then probably I'd let this one go even if it hurts. we all learn things the hard way once or more times in life. this guy probably is experienced and if this isn't what you want then don't do anything more.

    Fwb is usually going to just be fwb, not an official relationship. I would not and never have been in a FWB situation. I would rather have an official clear relationship with a guy with some rules on both sides. he might be with you if he feels the guilt of being the one to take that virginity, but in most cases, guys, like I said, are experienced, it means nothing to a lot of them.

    So pick and choose. filter. find the right guy for you and don't settle for less.

    to me, virginity is a big deal. I would get hurt if the guy didn't appreciate me. that hurt depends on how you view virginity yourself and the fact he tried to sort of have a relationship with you, I suppose he sorta cared but he never made it official...

  • I lost my virginity to an old neighbor of mine who I also went to school and was friends with.

    We continued a sexual relationship afterwards but we never dated or entered into a relationship.

    I was ready and he was willing. He didn't pressure me it was all a mutual decision.

    We are still friends to this day even after our little 'friends with benefits' phase and I do not regret it one bit...I feel sorry for girls who feel they must be 'in love' to do this I think you're setting yourself up for disappointment entirely...so in my opinion I think what you're doing is fine, just don't get caught up...I have been in a FWB situation in which instance I fell in love with the guy and it did ruin the friendship, best thing to do is trust your instincts and never move too fast, best of luck! xxx

Most Helpful Guys

  • reading this shows that you have a bit of shyness and sex means a lot to you.

    virginity is lost now nohing an be done

    but your continuing in a relationship that will one day be ded because you are not attached emtionally

    thus you can not come in public eye and say

    also the boy is not very keen to be emotionally attached and thinks of mental freedom

    this could mean that the boy has a free will to enjoy with you without getting the burden of responsibility

    if you can think in the same way carry on else persuade or make him understand ur need to name this relationship

  • From what you have said, I feel you are going to get Hurt bad. It is obvious you have deep feelings for him. You both are at the experimental stages of sex. You are no fool and I'm sure you are aware relationships formed in school almost NEVER stay together. Just think of it like this, you had a good time and you scored your first notch on your little pistol.

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  • I lost my virginity to my FWB. For a whileI felt a really strong attachment to him because of it. It's been almost a year now and the attachment has worn off, because I like a different guy. My FWB is still in my life and will always mean something to me, and to this day, my heart's in one piece. In the end, I'm glad I had a good, respectable guy show me what sex is like.

  • If you have no other suitors staying FWB ( considering you don't have sex that often anyway ) probably isn't an issue. Leaving him for the great unknown might however prove a more daunting and dangerous task.

  • Friends with benefits only works if both parties are good with it staying as such.

  • You've answered this already:

    "I told him I could handle myself and that if I felt things were getting too intense I would tell him to back off or I would just step back."

    I have nothing whatever to add. Good luck.

  • hurt

  • This is a bad idea I promise..I had the same kind of relationship with someone my freshman year..IN HIGH SCHOOL. You know we started hanging out and fooling around and stuff and I told myself I wasn't gonna like him anymore than that. He always seemed like he liked me and it was a everyday thing. But when sophomore year rolled around he took my virginity and we continued being friends with benefits but then I realized that I started to like him alot. Everytime I was away from him I kept getting the urge of being with him. And then he decided to get a girlfriend and it went down hill from there. I cried all the time because I was never with him anymore I couldn't do anything with him anymore and it hurt bad. My advice is to stop before your ahead, because once your in it's hard to get out. The best way to end it is to tell him that you don't wanna be friends with benefits anymore and that you think yall should be nothing more than that.

  • I lost my virginity to a friend with benefits :) Doesn't affect me. I don't care.

  • If you do start to really like him I'd just drop it because you'll get hurt. at one point friends with benefits is gunna break apart and you're just gunna have to tell him you just wanna be friends and not sex it up all the time

  • It's all in the mind, in your mind.

    Only you can decide what hurts you psychically /sentimentally and it works both ways:

    if you decide that certain events will hurt you psychically /sentimentally they will hurt you.

    if you decide that certain events don't hurt you psychically /sentimentally they will not hurt you.

  • as long as you don't fall "in love" with him and just keep it as "just sex" keep all ties away then your chances of gettin hurt are slim but if you love him and feel for him and he don't feel the same for you then you are going to be hurt! If you do have strong feelings for him now I would get out of there before he can hurt you.

  • Friends with bennies.. Good idea in the spur of the moment, but not in the long term. Guys are more suited to be FWB more than girls and you said it yourself - once you had the sex, you became more emotionally involved. Guys don't. Guys need sex for release, girls need it for emotional connections. You will be the one to get hurt. The more sex you have the more emotionally attached you will get. Don't cheapen yourself just for sex. Sex is much better with a person you truly want a committed relationship with.. Don't be in such a rush to have the sex. Find the RIGHT guy first. If you don't know who the "right" guy is... then concentrate on your schooling...

  • DONT DO IT !

  • yes you will get hurt. but it depends on how you let it affect you. if you have the strength to really leave when you know things are getting too intense for you then props to you. some people do have some deep emotions that are hard to control. hopefully he is a mature guy and knows when to let you go if things are complicated and not try to wing you back in if you are vulnerable.

  • why are girls so empty nowadays? /sigh

    • Are you suggesting that having sex with someone that is not your boyfriend means you are empty?

    • Yup. although the "losing your virginity in a hookup" does not help

    • If only we knew Anon. If only we knew.

    • Show All
  • Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love.

    • Haha - Holly Wood endings, or Annie Hall ?