Anal without my permission?

A few nights ago my boyfriend and I were in his bed, and in the same room about 6 feet away, his best friend was on the couch. we were just going to bed, lights off, t.v. off, and my boyfriend decides he wants to have sex, which I didn't want to do cause I thought it was incredibly rude to do with our friend right there, but I just let my boyfriend do it and we had to be really really quiet. well, I was facing away from him and he was doing it from behind, then it slipped out and he put it in my butt... since we had to be really quiet I had to bite my bottom lip, I tried to deal with it, but then I had to hit him away. but he came back for more, so I made sure it went in the right hole. well the next night I told him, because I didn't think he knew, but he said he did... it didn't bother me at the time... but the past couple nights all I can think about is why would he do that to me? he knew I couldn't say anything because our friend was right there... I feel like he raped me in a way. I just got off the phone with him now, and I told him that I'm disgusted by what he did, and now he's saying that he didn't do it on purpose... so I asked, then why tell me you did? and he just replied "i don't know".

so does this sound like rape to you?

should I be mad?

is he lying about not doing it on purpose?

what should I do? I'm so mad I'm crying right now.

anal without any lube and without even knowing it's going to happen hurts really really bad.

the next night he admitted that he knew what he was doing, and that anal is so much tighter you can't get it confused with the vagina. and now he's saying that he didn't know.


Most Helpful Guy

  • He's afraid of pushing you away because he had a selfish sexual impulse. He feels guilty for taking advantage of the situation but at the same time doesn't want to lose you.

    He probably didn't know you would respond that way, and the fact that when you hit him he didn't try again suggests he did respect your intentions when you made them clear. He can't see that you bit your bottom lip, at least from what you said it doesn't seem so.

    the "I don't know" response is a typical technique to cover up his guilt/shame because he doesn't know what else to say besides being honest, which makes him selfish at the same time.

    If he seems genuinely upset at you being upset, and still is with you, talks to you about it, seems to care and isn't like "too bad it was just anal stop being so prude/bitchy" then he probably just got excited and had an impulse that night.

    I think if any guy knew that this would be the consequence, he would have asked first. I'm sure he was shocked when you hit him away.

    He's going back and forth between saying he knew and didn't for what I said above, he's going between being honest/selfish and dishonest/ignorant. Both are techniques we try as guys to get out of such situations, there's really no other solution.

    Just find out if he still respects you by how he talks to you, and also determine how he feels about it. Don't try to call him out on switching between different reasons for trying it. He will feel cornered and not know what to do besides get upset at you, which will further damage the relationship unnecessarily.

    Good luck!

    • I agree here....he tried something...cause he was selfish...he made a mistake...if you love him you can forgive him but also firmly let him know this must never happen again.

      I kinda think its hard to class as rape....

    • Any unwanted sexual penetration is considered rape

What Guys Said 14

  • It's rape no doubt.

    Only one answer to that: dump him and consider to report it to the police (but they 'll ask why you didn't call for help since someone was present.)

  • I'm finding it hard to believe that it just slid into your ass without any lube. I mean, either you have a big anus, but he's got a small d***? Even if his d*** was lubed with your natural juices it should take some easing into. And you were an anal virgin? Man that must have hurt. Lol, what a jerk.

    • Not an anal virgin, I've done it with him but we used lube. it didn't exactly slide in, he had to ease it in, but since the room was dead silent and his friend was just a few feet away from us, if I made the slightest bit of noise, it would have given away what we were doing, and I found that to be extremely rude.

  • He desired doing so and assumed you were ok with it until you pushed him away. He wanted to do so because he was curious about it and it turned him on but point is you are still seeking to figure it out and still talking to him which suggests the physical feeling of it was unpleasant but he was not as disrespectful as you are questioning him to be. You needed to say no and not ask a bunch of questions which is confusing to a man because it is unclear. But if you keep feeling as if it was wrong/rape then declare him to the police a.s.a.p. Stop focusing on what he thinks and focus on what you know happened !

  • Did he at least apologize?

    It sounds like he is lying, but regardless, "I don't know." is a really crappy answer. I'd say at least tell him how much it bothers you.

  • That's called rape. By the book. What you want to do about it, if anything, is a decision only you can make.

  • yep, it's rape. It's a soft, mushy kind of rape but it still fits the definition. What he was doing to was riding the gray area of implied consent (if she doesn't actually say "no" it's ok). He knew what he was doing and he thought he could get away with it. It's pretty thoughtless behavior and I do know more than a few guys who have done that sort of thing on purpose to avoid getting a direct refusal.

    Oh btw, anal done right is wonderful and I am very sorry he gave you a bad experience in what is otherwise very good sex.

  • That sh*t is messed up. You should be very mad. He's lying about doing it by accident.

    Umm as for what you should do... I'm not sure. If he still doesn't admit he did it on purpose, and that he's sorry, etc. lol break up with him. Maybe do that anyways. lol

  • He is a self-centered ass-clot.

    He doesn't respect you or your body.

    Lay down the law now, if you intend to spend any more time with him.

    If he continues to think with the smaller head, dump him.

  • you're an idiot for dating this guy.

  • Thats a bit weird for him to have done that. He should definitely have appologized. I think, though, it may just have been that he didn't know you really didn't want it in the behind. Concidering you couldn't say anything, it must not have been very obvious for him and maybe he thought it was okay.

    Its understandable that you feel violated, but this was probably not his intention. Then again, we don't know what kind of guy he is.

    In my humble opinion, he was just horny and wanted something "fun" and new and wasn't trying to force you to do anything. It was just stupid of him to do so because he knew you couldn't say anything.

  • seems like he took advantage of the situation, so to me it was rape. he was disrespectful.

  • Anal is OK if both partners agree but there are some vital precautions that MUST be taken.

    Use lots of lubrication and loosen up first with lubed fingers in rubber gloves.

    The man must go slowly and show consideration for the girl or she will never allow it again. The anus is the most sensitive part of the body and is quite easily injured or torn. Sometimes such injuries can more or less remain throughout life and in rare cases can be life threatening and/or require hospital treatment.

    It is best to use a condom to avoid possible infection.

    Never insert into the vagina after insertion in the rectum. Germs in the bum can badly infect the front passage.

    There may be some mess so prepare for it with a cloth and warm water in a bowl.

    It seems to me that your boyfriend was very inconsiderate to do this to you without your permission and when there was a need for quietness. Actually, his friend probably will have heard you so the secret is out.

    My feelings are that you should seriously think about ditching this guy and also try not to be so willing to have sex if you consider the time and place is not right.

    It is commonly agreed that many men and women can enjoy sexual feelings and even orgasms by inserting an anal toy and manipulating it in their anuses. Similarly, many men and women are attracted to this form of sex play so it may not be too surprising that your boyfriend tried anal intercourse with you. However, this means that he rather likes this form of sex and if you do not, you had better act against it right now by telling him it is a no, no.

    It is for sure that if you marry or live together, he will want this form of intercourse more or less regularly and you must decide if this is what you want.

    • I didn't ask for a faux anal expert opinion... big down arrow for not reading the question, and just taking this as an opportunity to talk about anal sex.

    • His comment was VERY helpful, sheesh. It just shows how cruel your boyfriend was because he completely brushed over those things.. I'm guessing he didn't use lube.. he didn't go slow... and then he DOUBLE DIPPED! If he did that on purpose, he doesn't respect you as a woman.

    • Oh, read your other comment.. you're not completely naive to anal, so the double dipping was on you... but no lube? D: That's just badddd... I wouldn't say it was rape, but it was completely inconsiderate. Anal should be something that is agreed upon prior to sex, so yeah.. he is in the wrong, and you need to talk to him about this.. make it clear.

  • I'd say he put it in wrong on accident and then realized it after a few seconds. Sense it felt good and you weren't initially rejecting he continued. Its a heat of the moment lack of communication.


What Girls Said 16

  • It's not rape in this situation. I think at first he did it on accident, but realized that it must have felt much better. But the fact that he is changing his story is kind of sketchy.

    I think the best thing to do is talk it out. Tell him you do not like it, and not to do it again. If he persists, do you really think you should be with him?

    And one more thing, NEVER EVER put him back in your vagina after he's put it in your butt. That will lead to infection. There's way too many germs in your bum and getting them in your urethra (pee ole) and vagina can cause some serious damage. (UTI's, vaginal infections, kidney infections...)

    • It IS rape.

    • You're right concerning the risk of infection for the girl if the penis goes unwashed from anus to vagina.

      However, he too risks some infections:

      Anal penetration without condom can lead to prostatitis (prostate infection. Prostate infection can lead to orchitis -testicular infection, which can lead to male sterility)

      Without condom it can also lead to cystitis (urinary tract infection) for him.

      (a dubious pleasure :-S)

  • Wow! What he did was totally wrong! Period! The minute he slipped it in your rectum you should have taken it out. Don't ever let any man do anything to you that you don't want him to do. I'm sorry for your pain and suffering because it does hurt...real bad. Obviously, he's a liar because he told you that he didn't do it on purpose, then admitted that he did. He disrespected you, and what he did could be borderline rape. I say borderline because you said you tried to deal with, it wasn't totally rape. He was insensitive to you and I think you should run from him. He's cruel. Also, don't ever let a man penetrate you anally and then re-insert his penis in your vagina. The fecal matter on the penis can infect your vagina like you wouldn't believe; and then you will be in some pain like you've never felt. I'm so sorry that this happened to you and I hope you feel better...physically and emotionally.

  • Hes a lousy lousy ****... I'd beat him up and down the road.. that's harsh... I'd get him back, but that's just me... yeah he shudn have done dat.. I duno if I'd count it as rape.. maybe.. but, no matter what I'd dump him.. if he knew.. if he didn den it was an accident and he lied cause he wanted to sound cool..

  • probably doesn't count as rape. and the fact the he continually changes his story means he's not to be trusted. you should probably break up with him because he's obviously an asshole you only cares about himself and not you.

  • My partner tried to do that to me just tried sliding into the next hole. It hurt like hell I was p*ssed. You need to discuss things like that first. So yes you should be mad was it rape I would not call it that but it was defiantly a lack of respect for you. Now that he is lying about it too it only makes it worse. You need to decide if you think you can trust him to respect you and your wishes. If he still denies any wrong doing and does not say he is sorry I would let him go.

  • By legal definition that is rape. However, people have sex with their drunken partner all the time and they don't call the police. The choice is ultimately yours on whether or not you want to call the police.

  • It's not rape because you didn't say no and you were already having sex. He stuck it in your ass and you didn't stop him so why would he stop? If it was that bad and for whatever reason you couldn't just push him away to start with you should've said something

  • Don't listen to the people who said it wasn't rape. He put his penis into your body when you didn't want it, that's rape.
    "my boyfriend decides he wants to have sex, which I didn't want to do cause I thought it was incredibly rude to do with our friend right there, but I just let my boyfriend do it and we had to be really really quiet" Why are you dating this guy? He's clearly a prick who doesn't respect your wishes let alone you as a person. Dump him please.
    You have every right to be angry at him for raping you.
    Look, I've seen what rape does to people and I take rape seriously than most people do because of it. If you want to take him to the courts for it, than don't hesitate to do it. If you need help finding a therapist or group therapy for this, feel free to inbox me. I'd be more than happy to refer you to someone.

  • He probably thought that putting it in your ass would be really kinky and that you would enjoy it. I don't know what your two's sex life is like and neither does anyone here. Its hard to say what Rape is now a days; all I'm gonna say is if my boyfriend putting his **** in my ass without my permission I wouldn't of just laid there and take it; regardless of who was in the room. You weren't rape, your boyfriend made a mistake and thought you would have liked it and your feeling are hurt cause you didn't. It is very possible that at first it was an accident and he was thinking that maybe you would like it when he realized what he was doing. I see how your feelings could be hurt, but you need to sit him down and tell him how you feel about what happened and fix it. He's probably scared of out his mind that your gonna file rape charges on him so he doesn't know what to tell you. Either way, I hope this situation gets worked out.

    • It IS rape.

    • Show All
    • But she hit him, clearly pointing out that she didn't want his d*ck in her ass! so if he kept going then yer that's rape!

    • You don't know the detail of that hit. How hard it was or how she hit him. It wasn't rape. It ridiculous how people throw the word "rape" around.

  • It's not rape as it's legally defined, because rape is a forced sexual act that's committed by force, threat of injury, or under other duress, but it's definitely VERY NOT OKAY. You need to break up with him, that is just wrong. Of course he knew what he was doing, the anus is far from the vagina, and even if it wasn't, it feels totally different in the surrounding areas to where it's practically impossible to confuse one for the other.

  • iwouldn't consider it rape...

    there is sometimes that my boyfriend slips into thee wrong whole

    &&' doesn't even know until I'm yelling from the pain...

    • I'm pretty sure a guy would be able to tell which hole is which, I bet ur boyfriend just wants to do anal, then when you realize he stops. almost every guy (in fact I'm pretty sure every guy) can tell which hole is which!

  • Rape it is. Sorry. No two ways about it.

  • Wow. I'm sorry this happened to you...yes, it is rape because you didn't want it.

    All my past lovers have verbally asked me if we could have anal sex...doesn't matter if someone is around, one can always whisper into your ear (not that that happened to me, I'm just saying)

    Again, I'm really sorry that happened but it's good you told him you were not ok with it.

  • i am right their with u. I was in a room with my younger sister and her boyfriend, my guys sister and her boyfriend, a few other of our friends, his parents, and my uncle. we were in the loft of our friends cabin and we were just cuddling and then we were about to go to sleep and we were in the "spooning" position he pulled down my pants. I thought we were just going to mess around but he just stuck it in my butt. I was 14. I didn't know what to do because he is 16 and everyone was still awake. my parents and a bunch of other people were downstiars to and I didn't want to bring attention to us. it was horrible. I just laid there. the next day he wouldn't even look at me. and I was p*ssed off. I was so upset because I thought since he did that we would mean something more even tho I didn't agree to it. and before when we first started talking I told him I wanted to wait a year before sex. so he knew I wan't ok with it. then he told all of our friends what had happened. but he told them I led him in. he said he didn't want to do it. he said that because I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore and he didn't want to look like an asshole. you can't call it rape but we both got pretty close. my guy as well as urs are assholes. and all I can say is its not ur fault, an don't worry about it. don't think about it, you have a right to be mad. get over him, because you deserve better.

    • Did it end up ruining anal for you? Or you learned to enjoy it with a guy who really respects you? I'd hate to think he won by turning you off to anal totally.

  • It's only rape if you said, "No."

    You didn't say, "No."

    So it's not rape.

    But you can keep saying it is if you like the attention/possibility of getting your boyfriend sent to jail :3

    • Yes, getting attention/possibly sending my boyfriend to jail is exactly what I want, hence why I asked anonymously. you're so smart.

    • U guys should have make up sex..... you two girls

    • 2mo

      Actually if you could read, ud see she had already told him previously she did not like it or want it. It's rape. He's a selfish prick. Report him or leave him.

  • i bet that does hurt really bad. you should have said something to him the moment he started doing that. I would not consider that rape. But guys will know the difference in how it feels in the vagina and anal. I think he did know what he was doing but he did not know at the time that it bothered you. I would be mad because of the lying part him telling you he did not do it on purpose. But with men you have to tell them exactly what you are thinking and what you don't like. I would just talked to him about it and let him know how you feel.