How to deal with his fantasies?

[Anonymous]

I honestly think I have some mental issue, because I'm not like other girls when it comes to my boyfriend's sexual fantasies. I can't accept them with ease, they make me uncomfortable. Now you must think he's into bestiality or incest, but no. He has normal male fantasies. I have small breasts, he likes big breasts better, and his celebrity crushes/fave porn stars are all much bustier than I am. I'm not stupid, and of course he fantasises about them while masturbating even though he's said he doesn't. Probably just to spare my feelings. Anyway, whenever I see one of them, especially in nude scenes, and especially if he's with me, I feel so low and ugly. Sometimes I'll look up photos of them only to look at them and see what they have that I don't... it's so tough for me because I'll never be that beautiful. These aren't those "something you think about, but WOULD NEVER WANT to do" type of fantasies as you can see (like anal, S&M, etc type of fantasies). I'm sure if he had the chance to have sex with Scarlett Johanson and I gave him the green light he'd be more than thrilled and would probably enjoy it even more. It's not that he chose me over them. It's that they're out of reach, yet not out of want, do you know what I mean? He kind of had to settle physically and sexually. Of course he loves me, but let's be honest, an average girl is never the type of girl that men want the most, sexually speaking. I don't know why I have such a hard time accepting this. Part of it is because I seldom fantasize. And when I do, it's about him. I've tried fantasizing about attractive male actors and such, but it doesn't work. I just don't get aroused, whereas by fantasising about him, I get aroused in a second. So we're different in that regard and therefore I can't understand his way of fantasizing. I don't know what to do, I suffer in silence because of this, but I know other women are so accepting of it, they even encourage it. We never talk about this. I just know he has a sexual thing for so and so, and that's it. He knows how I feel about it, too, but doesn't understand it and thinks it's a stupid thing to be insecure over. Like I said, I know he's not gonna cheat on me with any of them, but like I said: "Out of reach, but not out of want".

[kateakanne]

This is going to be hard, but I think you can do it.

In your question you say that you would have to give him the green light before he would fulfill his fantasy. I read this as you are in a good enough relationship that he wouldn't keep anything from you, and you trust him enough to know that he wouldn't do anything behind your back. These are good things.

Guys in general are extremely visual. If you think he's fantasizing about these porn stars or celebrities, what makes you think he isn't fantasizing about them doing other "something you think about, but would never want to do" things. Visually speaking, he probably imagines these girls together, making out or doing other activities all while desiring him. This gives him a very visual representation while also stroking his ego. I can't promise this is what he imagines, but I do believe that it's not as simple as replacing you with a celebrity or porn star.

As it sounds, it seems like this is mostly steming from insecurity with yourself. You will only really feel better once you feel more confident in yourself. This is the hard part. You basically have to fake it till you make it. Fake being confident and secure. Fake being supportive of his fantasy. Fake being happy with your body. Fake it long enough, and it just may become true.

Just to try to help you understand "Out of reach, but not out of want" I'm sure there is some example in your life. Say your big into fashion: There's a great designer item that you really want. Of course it's too expensive. But that doesn't stop you from window shopping and imagining yourself around town with it. Or say you dreamed of being famous: You grew up wanting to be a pop or movie star, or maybe a world famous astronaut or president. Of course, life took you a different way. You still imagine "what if" and picture how different your life would be.

[Asker]

But even if I have those type of fantasies, they don't bruise his sexual ego :( Thanks anyway.

[Asker]

Oh and I also think he'd probably love having two of those girls "making out or doing other activities all while desiring him". And here I was thinking he just fantasised about having sex with them. Turns out it's much more than that, now I really feel like I can't fully satisfy him. Thanks anyway, it's probably just my stupid mind :(

[kateakanne]

My point was that his fantasy isn't about replacing you with a fuller bustier you. And I was trying to explain his desire to fantasize since you said in you'r question that you couldn't understand the desire. The same with the explanation of fantasy to help you relate. The point of his sexual fantasies isn't to bruise your ego. They shouldn't bruise your ego either, because it's not something you aren't fulfilling for him. You may think that, but its not. And that was the point.

[kateakanne]

I didn't intend to make you feel more insecure. Quite the opposite actually. I was trying to explain how his fantasy has absolutely no reflection on how you look or act. It's just extra visual stimulation for him. I hope you are able to get past this, and have a happy, healthy relationship with him.

[Asker]

Thank you. I hope to achieve your level of maturity and understanding :)

[Anonymous]

The difference between lust of love is big. Your boyfriend lusts over these busty women, sure he wants them sexually but you said he loves you. Love overpowers lust in almost all cases. He has that emotional need for you which is stronger than those girls he lusts over. You have to remember, it's a fantasy. Fantasies are unreal. You know that and chances are he does too.

Since he loves you, I can almost guarantee he finds you sexy. If he loves you that means he loves and wants all of you. Inside and OUT. Love is a difficult thing for a guy to say and to admit. You just need to realize that he may have fantasies about them but it's nothing like what you two have together. You have effected him in ways those fantasy women never will. If you give him the green light he may have fulfilled that sexual itch but he'll be coming back to you by the end of the day.

He loves you. He lusts them.

[Michelleshalley]

Lol things you would never do like anal and sm? Really? But other than that I think boys fantasize about pornstars etc. But when they are with us (girlfriend) they fantasize about us. If your boyfriend was seriously attracted to big boobs then he would not be with you. I fantasize about male celebs too but I fuck my boyfriend and fantasize about him

[hellionthesage]

As a man I can tell you as frequently as a man may watch porn when he is getting into it he almost always envisions his girlfriend. The problem isn't him per say but rather you. Why would he look at pornstars with small breasts like yours if he gets to see yours all the time? Its not that he wants a woman with big breasts its that its simply something diffrent. Its a visual stimulation but it does not reflect on his feelings he has for you. Its purely visual. Somtimes a guy will watch porn just to see something diffrent, not that he would choose to be with that person in real life its just for some variation. Sometimes he will watch it because he doesn't want to spend 20 minutes on foreplay 20 on oral and then think about baseball during sex (ignoring his own pleasure) so that you can orgasm, sometimes he wants to be selfish and only have to think about his own pleasure and porn and masterbation are the best method of doing so. If you are this insecure with yourself, you will eventually drive him away, no body wants to be with someone that doesn't trust them, no one wants some one who hates themselves and by extention drags them down with them.

[CurleyCutie]

i get what ur saying. I used to be the same way but then I realized that I had to flaunt what I have. not all women are the same so they have to find what they have that's special. you're boyfriend may like big boobs but I'm sure you can do something better than flaunt around ur boobs. just find something that will drive him wild and ask him what he likes and what you can do to make "fun time" more fun and less insecure for u.