Sex with my ex, is it just sex or does it mean something?

[Anonymous]

Long story cut short, but me and my ex split up about 6 weeks ago only to find out we were expecting a little while later. WE had had unprotected sex since we split, only a couple of times when he had come round to chat and he never questioned birth control. He was so affectionate, more than when we were together and to me it felt special. Not the mundane exercise we had been partaking in just to get pregnant (we'd been trying a while). I explained to him the other week when he came over that I couldn't understand why he was still wanted to sleep with me, and that was just just sex, or was it because he still had feelings. Without asking him outright. He would go quiet and not say a word, just continue to kiss me. He did have a guilty look about him and I don't know if that was just because he knows I still love him and want to try again. He has kind of stayed in touch, he still has stuff here until last night. Again, when he came over, we did the chit-chat stuff, how are you, how are things going etc. It was awkward, don't get me wrong, but he gave me a hug and went to kiss me and I pulled away. I told him it wasn't a good idea. Our relationship has always been an active physical one and we both know that the sex is fun, yes we would even have a giggle during the "act". We were that comfortable together. We did end up having sex, I couldn't help it and it did feel nice that he wanted me, as much as I wanted him, even if it was in a different way. Time will tell I guess. I haven't taken any form of birth control and can't face taking the morning after pill, I told him this last night, BEFORE we slept together last night. He didn't say a word. My reasoning is that if it was meant to be it will happen, if not, then it's won't. I know that even if we did have a child together he wouldn't be an arse. I am 100% on that. I have not done this to trap him, and I am not a silly little girl, I know it would be hard, but it was and still is something I have and we had wanted so much. We split due to things getting too much too soon, he is in the navy and so away a lot, when he had leave we'd be together 24/7, but with other things going on, family problems both sides (his family live a long way away from me) financial difficulties as well as my trust issues (results from past relationships). He knows I have been seeing a counselor for the last 7 weeks about my problems as they do my head in, so I can't imagine how it made him feel. I know it's a problem, and I am dealing with it, not just for him but it needs sorting. I am doing a lot of keep fit which has improved my self worth as well as changing my body to our pre-relationship shape, if not 10X better. I am seeing my friends a lot more and have changed my job. I just don't understand why he would be like this if it's just sex for him. Would he really risk me getting pregnant again for a quickie? Does he really still care or not? He says he wants to be friends and see...

[cajoi]

Speaking as someone who has been in this situation (friends with benefits with your ex--not the wanting to get pregnant part I just want to tell you that you are doing yourself a disservice. You are giving your ex all the privileges of being in a relationship without any of the baggage that comes along with it. While he may still have some residual feelings for you, you have no idea what this guy is doing when he's not with you. He may already have begun to see someone else, which is why he will not give you a proper explanation as to why he's still willing to have sex with you. It does you no good to stay in a situation where you have feelings for someone, but they no longer have the same feelings towards you. Allowing yourself to be emotionally devastated like this just plain hurts and messes you up psychologically.

Now, I'm not sure if you already have a child with this guy or not, you said after you split that you found out you were expecting, but you didn't say whether you had gone to full term or not. But, the fact that you're trying to conceive a child outside of a relationship with a man whose intentions you are not sure of says to me that you're not ready to have a (another?) baby. Want does not equal ready. A responsible parent wants to bring a child into a home where they have two parents in a stable relationship. Research proves that children who are brought up in homes where parent's are continually arguing or where one parent is absent can be emotionally scarring for the child. You really need to put the needs of a child, before the your own personal wants. Since you are in so much emotional turmoil right now, having a baby will not erase them---In fact it can make them worse. The pressures that come along with parenting can be suffocating at times ( I have a two year old daughter). It is difficult enough to raise children in a home where there are two parents, think how difficult it would be to do it with one parent who is emotionally distracted. This is not to say that it can't be done, because there are single parents out there who do it every day, but just think how much more difficult things are for them. So please think twice.



That being said, you need to have a sit down with your ex to evaluate whether or not there is a future for your relationship. Tell him that while you do have feelings for him, you don't deserve to be left pining away for a relationship that may never resume, and if you're not going to get back together, existing in this relationship limbo is hurting your chances for meeting someone else. Say that while you realize that your trust issues may not make you the ideal partner that you are willing to work on that as well as anything else that may need work. Cut him off sexually until he is willing to tell you whether he is in or out. Don't keep hurting yourself this way. A few seconds of pleasure is just not worth it.

[Asker]

I know what you are saying and I do apprieciate the advice. Really I do. We had a miscarriage only a couple of weeks after finding out. I was 8 weeks and 4 days. We were both gutted about it and both cried an awful lot. Like I said we had wanted it more than anything. AS far as the getting pregnant again is concerned, if I am, I am, if not then it's nothing for me to worry about. The jumping into bed thing does complicate things I know..........

[Asker]

And I don't want to keep upsetting myself!! After everything we have been through, and there has been a lot, I just can't seriously believe that he would be like this with me if he didn't still have feelings for me. I am hoping they are strong enough to make the difference. The more that I think about it, the more something keeps seeming to make sense, in that, obviously I would get upset when he was away, and what with my insecurities I was a mess at times and that he was annoyed that he ...

[Asker]

Hadn't finished off his house ready to be rented out. He's been trying to get it done since before we got together, not having it rented adds to money problems etc etc. As I live so far away from his house, we were never up there anymore, so he couldn't get it done as quickly as he liked. We wanted quality time together after all when he was home. I know he was going to be going away for months at a time without being able to get off the ship from one month to the next and part of me does ..

[Asker]

Wonder if he has done this. I know he was nervous about how I would cope with not seeing him as often. (he's had a lot of time off in the last few months which was sheer luck). I do wonder if that he used the row which ended our relationship to get the things done that were bugging him, as in at home, and be there for his folks (family issues) and just kind of put the breaks on us for a little while until it's done and all ok again. It's not as if we would have been able to be together over..

[Asker]

The next 6 months at least, not to the extent that we have been. A guy's opinion on this would be good maybe? It would explain why he's still talking to me on MSN and why he came round when he didn't have to. Not to mention the sex stuff, as he knows that it gives me hope. He keeps saying that you never know what will happen and I just hope that he really does keep an open mind about us in the future. I want to talk to him, properly, but I am scared that I might say the wrong thing and do..

[Asker]

Damage rather than good. We have had fun, laughed and joked while we have been together since the break up, but talking to him via msn or phone/txt is not the same and I can't see his reaction. I honestly don't know if he will ever come back to visit me again, even as a friend, as I said I live miles away from him, he's always away with work so I won't be bumping into him, so I unless he does come down, I guess I won't get to have this talk with him at all :0( Help!

[cajoi]

I wanted to send this to you privately, but since you asked anonymously I can't. But, If you would like, I'm more than willing to take some time to chat with you about this. I've been in your shoes and I know how this can make you an emotional wreck. Send me a message on here with your screen name and I'll get in touch with you as soon as get back. It's late where I am so I have to get a little sleep :-) But I will get back with you. No pressure, but I do hope that you'll get back to me.

[Jessald16]

why are you screwing a guy that hasn't even entitled himself as your boyfriend? a girl that sleep with a guy that isn't her boyfriend is...well I'm sure everyone knows that innapropraite word. not trying to be rude but cmon how can girls not see it? its the ugly truth and from your story it looks as if your ex is using you. he used to love you but now he doesnt. and sex is the only way he can remember the girl he used to love. but seriously stop sleeping with someone that obviously doesn't want you, let him move on. there is a girl out there that he can sleep with him and be his girlfriend. your chapter with him ended. and who the hell trys to get a baby when the guy doesn't want them on top of that! your 25 you say? I'm 19, and I feel I have more of a brain than you. go ahead have a kid, eat a lot become fat, have an inflated vag. Next thing you know your stuck with a kid and he has a hot chick coming over his house everynight and all you'll get form him is child support. USE YOUR HEAD.

[Jessald16]

why are you screwing a guy that hasn't even entitling himself as boyfriends. a girl that sleep with a guy that isn't her boyfriend is...well I'm sure everyone knows that innapropraite word. not trying to be rude but cmon how can girls not see it? its the ugly truth and from your story it looks as if your ex is using you. he used to love you but now he doesnt. and sex is the only way he can remember the girl he used to love. but seriously stop sleeping with someone that obviously doesn't want you, let him move on. there is a girl out there that he can sleep with that will be his girlfriend. your chapter with him ended. and who the hell trys to get a baby when the guy doesn't wnt them on top of that! your 25 you say? I'm 19, and I feel I have mroe of a brain than you. go ahead have a kid, eat a lot become fat, have an inflated vag. Next thing you know your stuck with a kid and he has a hot chick coming over his house everynight and all you'll get form him is child support. USE YOUR HEAD.

[zentai]

Why would you risk to get pregnant from a guy that is not your boyfriend anymore? You are saying both of you having financial problems not sure if a pregnancy will be ideal. What are going to offer the poor kid? To me it looks like you don't have a clear table what both of you guys want. If you try to talk to him and he does not listen and kiss you all over instead he does not care about you that is my opinion. He just wants to get "cheap" sex without being responsible for what could happen. Make a clear table what both you guys want or use something to not get pregnant. Be responsible of what you do. Your words: I am not a silly girl.

[DanielSan]

He just wants easy sex without the work of finding a new relationship.

[Reeses-pieces777]

he's not your boyfriend, so don't do stuff like this. He just wants FWB. I'm sorry. Guys can be such jerks sometimes.

got to let go of this guy.

[Jeanw]

Seems like you like having sex with him girl. Maybe you need to be asking yourself the same question.

[RebeccaSJ]

It probably doesn't mean much. I had sex once with an ex. He was as good in bed as ever, but it felt entirely different. It left something to be desired.

[jokerforlifeny]

its jst sex ...

[brit_in_vienna]

I think he just wants no-strings-attached sex. Friends with benefits can't work long term - one partner is bound to have an emotional attachment...

[Anonymous]

It means you are comfotable with each other, and its safe, and your using each other with no real intention of having a real relationship