My wife has lost her libido and sex appeal, what now?

[Krunch]

I have been happily married almost 7 years. My wife is four years older than me. We now have a son who is turning five in a month. When we first started dating I remember my wife saying how much I turn her on. I am the type of guy that likes to give. I enjoy playing the sensual music. Laying down rose pedals. Lighting some candles. Cooking a nice meal. Kissing her neck. Rubbing her body. I love touching. I love kissing, sucking, and definitely licking. My wife was into all that I wanted to do to her body. It was great... Then we got married. Then she got pregnant. Then she gave birth. Now everything has stopped. And when I say everything, I mean everything. I cannot touch my wife, she says it tickles. I cannot kiss her neck or body, too ticklish. I cannot touch, suck, lick, or caress her breasts... I don't remember what her vagina looks or tastes like. Don't get me wrong. My wife is still sexy, and beautiful. We still have intercourse, however it is late at night. She assumes the same position. No foreplay. And it's over in 2-3 minutes. We have talked about it, but I seem to get nowhere. She says it's her and not me. She has been to a few different doctors and her blood work revealed that she is low with testosterone. But, she refuses to take it. I have so many thoughts going through my head, some good and some bad. I need some help on what to do do. I really enjoy the intimacy, the touching, and playing with each other, but none of that happens. Believe when I say that I try. I treat my wife very well. Other women I spoke to said this happens after giving birth but I guess the question is, now what?

[btbc92]

Well one things that's the problem is if you two were sexually active before marriage that's the main cause of it. After marriage, it tends to drop after a while and it's hard to maintain the chase, and the passion you two had. That is price and consequences of premarital sex. It no longer feels the same. That's the reality of it. Next thing is the fact that all it was with the two of you is sex so much so, that you don't even have another outlook on how to express intimacy with each other. This isn't so much of after birthing a baby. Yes, it tends to be draining from time to time for the mother after a child. But this sounds like a sex problem, not just a baby phase problem.

You need to try other ways to express your love for your wife. It will get very hard after a while, and you may not be able to have sex with her for the time being. But always cherish her regardless to what you feel or THINK you want! Temptation is temptation, but that doesn't mean you have to. What she doesn't need is medication. She needs to do is change her diet and get plenty of needed rest when she can. It will go back up, but her health is far more important then you getting sex. Cuddle her at the couch or bed, give her kisses throughout the day. Take a moment to give her a gift for birthing your child and being your wife overall. Make a plan for a family outing that you all can enjoy as a family. Trust me, the more you do this, the more you make this a habit, she will start to feel confident again and reciprocate them even when tired. You have to be intensional about your pursues, this time for you wife and now family. The chase is still on! So always chase your wife! This is good change. It will get better. And the more you two make this a habit, her Testosterone will go back up naturally. Don't take those drugs! Also tell her what she's going through is natural and that you have her full support. Whatever you do, don't leave her hanging. That's the worse feeling a woman can have after having a child if it isn't what she thinks about the changes she is going through with her body. Best Regards.

P. S: Whatever you do, avoid being a jerk at all cost. It will just make feel more depress about herself.

[Anonymous]

So my relationship with my guy is a little bit backwards. I know from blood work that I have above average testosterone for a girl, and I suspect my guy has a little under average for a guy. So I have a higher sex drive than him and am kind of in your place. Often, I want it more than him, and I have to be the one to initiate. And he'll go through with it, but just like your wife, I give him a hand job and stuff and he just says it "tickles". This is the only problem I have with my guy, and at one point I was crying bc I didn't know if this was going to put me over the edge and cause me to start looking for someone else. Because he just isn't into making love to me like at the beginning but he swears that he still wants to marry me and everything. So I trust that it's not because he's moving on and stuff. So anyway, to cope, I've learned not to focus on the sexual anymore and just be content with cuddling and use porn on my own if I need to get off. I've been happy actually, and it doesn't bother me anymore. Maybe you can try to use porn when you need to? (I know it might feel like cheating, but it's way better than actually cheating with someone else.) That's my best advice... as I don't think you want to divorce over this..

[ak666]

Have you ever tried watching porno together with your guy? I tend to wonder sometimes when women perceive their male partners to have low sex drives if it's as low as they think or if the guy is actually jerking off and you're only experiencing a small fraction of his actual sex drive. Male sex drive tends to operate in a far more pronounced crescendo than women following periods without climax. For example, a man's sex drive might be like this: 1. I'm completely satisfied right now, just masturbated/had sex. Not in the mood for sex. Eww, porn is gross! 2. (One day later without sex/masturbation): wow, I saw a pretty woman today. I want to have sex! 3. (Three days later without sex/masturbation): OMG, I'm so horny right now. I can barely focus on my work. 4. (One week later without sex/masturbation): "OMFG! ME NEED SEX OR MASTURBATION! MUST RELEASE DEMONS! ME WILL SCREW GOAT IF THERE IS ONE! WHERE IS GOAT?"

[ak666]

... then back to #1 again where we absolutely don't want sex for a while (how long will depend on libido). But I can't imagine a man with any libido not reaching that explosive desire to have sex if he doesn't masturbate or have sex for a while (a week, e. g.). So if you two's sex lives are severely lacking, like less than once a week, I'm wondering if your guy might be wasting his sex drive on his hand rather than with you.

[ak666]

I think even an asexual male with a very low libido would still reach an explosive need to climax at some point (and I can't imagine it being longer than a week unless he's very old). So I often think perceived sex drive issues in marriages more often have to do with masturbation than libido (though there could be some really exceptional cases where the sex drive genuinely is absent in the male). At least with most of the cases I hear on here about women having perceived higher sex drives than men, on questioning them it did seem as though the male was watching masturbating a lot meaning his sex drive was considerably higher than perceived. With my wife I'd say her sex drive is more persistent than mine, but gentle. She can even go for a whole week without sex or masturbation and function normally, but her sex drive is more persistent than mine. In my case, my sex drive goes from non-existent to explosive and ready to just about rape anything with a hole in about a week's time.

[Opinion Owner]

@ak666 thanks so much for writing this. I try to ask my guy sometimes how much he jerks off or when the last time was, because I actually wonder the same thing: is he using his libido on himself instead of with me? He can never answer me directly, which is annoying... What he's told me before is that he doesn't see sex as being as important as talking and doing things with me. And yes, absolutely those things are important too, but so is sex, because that's when I connect with him most deeply. And I just don't get what happened bc when we first were together we'd do stuff all the time and now it's just kind of dropped off.. But we haven't ever watched porn together (he says he doesn't watch porn anymore since he met me). But anyway, I still do because I need to, so maybe we can try that.

[Opinion Owner]

And gotcha, I just read your last comment and that makes a lot of sense. I'll see if I can talk to him and figure something out.

[ak666]

If you two can be open to it, you might see if it at least serves as a stimulus for him. With males who still have low testosterone, I imagine that sperm begins to fill up the sack at some point. When it starts getting too full, it has to come out somewhere, somehow, usually, or often it'll lead to painful erections and wet dreams at some point. So perhaps his issue is just requiring a strong stimulus and making sure you two time each other properly when he's ready to explode. The downside to male sex drive in my opinion is that since it's like this crescendo, we can't have sex quite as conveniently at any given time as a woman (not that woman also aren't sometimes in the mood for sex, but they often seem to be able to be in the mood far more easily than men who just masturbated the previous morning, e. g.).

[Opinion Owner]

@ak666 gotcha. Yeah, I think your right about women cuz for me, I can have sex whenever. The only problem might be not being wet enough or something. But for guys from what you're saying, if they get hard and cum, they can't just go back and do it again soon after.

[Opinion Owner]

Hey also! I just checked your profile- 日本語が話せますか。

[ak666]

>> 日本語が話せますか。 Hai (half-Japanese) -- but no Japanese keyboard/IME ATM. :-D I also have trouble keeping my sex life active post-marriage and have been finding ways to keep it active. It's generally my fault because of that timing, and the key is to make sure I'm doing it more with my wife than my hand. Everything from our work schedules being different to not catching each other when we're in the mood can sometimes make us go for an entire week without sex. Another confession I have to make is that simply seeing my wife throw her clothes off doesn't do it anymore for me. I shower with her on a daily basis, her nudity is no longer so "sexual", even though she's beautiful to me. So things like lingerie actually help still. Yet there's an easy way for me to instantly get in the mood at least twice a day still in spite of being in my 30s. And that's to turn on a porno -- my guilty confession. So I've sometimes turned on a porno right before my wife gets home from work...

[ak666]

... but I don't masturbate, just get in the mood. Then I'm ready to have sex with my wife. I don't think about what I just watched when I'm having sex with her, the porno just kind of turns on the right switches for me. Seeing that kind of imagery makes me want sex.

[ak666]

If my wife could be open to watching pornography with me, it would help so much! I think I might still be able to pull off sex twice a day with that kind of powerful stimulus to put me in the mood. But I've always been afraid to bring it up. So if you attempt to do this yourself with your husband and are open to it, don't consider it cheating, I'd be curious about the results it has on your sex lives.

[Krunch]

I don't want a divorce. A few things that just came to mind. My testosterone levels are on the high side, according to my blood work. 900-1100 ish. I feel like a teen again. When I was first getting intimate with my wife she indicated that she has a difficult time having orgasms. She asked me if that would be a problem. I thought it wouldn't, but I think it's evolved to this. I know she is still attracted to me...

[ak666]

In your case I think sometimes women tend to feel like they're ugly based on how pregnancies change their bodies. Maybe if you can convince her that she's so beautiful, she'll open up like a flower.

[ak666]

Think it's a little harder on a woman -- more of a psychological approach perhaps. This particular case interested me since I think often the female perception that male sex drive is lacking could be incorrectly diagnosed (the guy might just be wasting his sex drive on his hand).

[Anonymous]

Aww she is lucky to have you I think. It is normal, unfortunately. It happened to me too,. I had 2 daughters and suddenly life was exhausting and all about caring for my kids. I also felt like my body image was even worse than before (I am not fat just 15 lbs overweight) it could be those things I think we women all go through when we become
Mothers. Maybe she needs some time to herself to relax with friends at a trip to a spa for mani/pedi get her hair done? Get a baby sitter, for a weekend if you can (grandparents?) and just relax together and reconnect. Honestly I only recently started to feel good again and for me, it has to so with regular exercise and toning up a little, some VIctorias secret and the fact my kids are now 12 and 15 and don't depend so heavily on me all the time! I know that is a long time to wait. (Plus i know you can't suggest that to a woman that she hit the gym! It makes me feel better though not just look better) But I would be willing to bet it is the same issues for her as it was for me. Good luck!

[cavmanier]

I have a feeling "I had 2 daughters and suddenly life was exhausting and all about caring for my kids" is likely the big issue.

[RJGraveyTrain]

Well, this is a complex situation and from my experience, those other women are right. After having a kid, the feminine libido can take a serious hit. However, that doesn't mean necessarily that you can't get it back.

Women can lose their sex drive for a lot of reasons: lack of energy, a change in hormones, body issues after pregnancy - etc. The key to fixing the problem is knowing exactly what it is. If you really think low testosterone is the problem and she's not willing to take pills or what have you to fix it, you're going to need to try a different approach.

I always recommend that couples try counseling or therapy, and right now I believe that'd be the best option for the two of you.

[redeyemindtricks]

^^ If her testosterone levels are clinically low, she probably has a hard time even getting out the damn bed at the start of the day. I mean, okay, I am more weirdly self-aware of the tiniest things than most people, but, I could actually feel the quality-of-life, motivation, and general go-getter-ness starting to slip away just a little bit when my testosterone levels had slipped by TEN PERCENT. Dude. Granted, I am obsessive about optimizing absolutely everything about my life (and I help other people do the same thing for a living), but, as soon as this happened, I hopped on 25mgs of testosterone every 2 weeks, and *poof* back to my usual Type A overachieving self. With legendary horniness ofc, but that goes without saying. Srsly, OP What is wifey's general quality of life like? Does she walk around in a funk all the time? Has she lost zest and motivation and a spring in her step? If so, you shd get her talking to an endocrinologist about testosterone replacement for THOSE reasons

[redeyemindtricks]

, and then the sex-life bonus will be... a bonus, for you.

[Krunch]

@redeyemindtricks Thanks for your response. She does take a long time to get out of bed. And if at any moment she sits down she doesn't get up for a while. The 25mgs of testosterone, in what form was it administered? Injection?

[redeyemindtricks]

I take it by subcutaneous injection. (All the packaging and inserts will say intramuscular, but, subcutaneous works just as well -- and there are now reams and reams of studies to support this) It's pretty quick and painless. If she is afraid of shots, there is also a transdermal testosterone cream, although (1) she would have to be careful not to let it rub off on yr son -- although in quantities small enough for a woman it really wouldn't matter TOO much if that happened once in a while -- and (2) obviously, it woludn't be as bioavailable as it would be by injection.

[hellionthesage]

Tell her. If she is not giving you what you need then she is failing just as it would be unacceptable and you failing if you did not provide her what she needs. She needs to understand that intimacy is needed so that you can feel lives and wanted, if she isn't providing that consistently (it's understandable to not be in the mood some times) then she is not being a good spouse, you cannot have a healthy relationship of she is continously and actively putting herself before you. It would not be acceptable if you did it, it's unacceptable for her to do it. Confront her tell her what she is doing and how it hurts you, if that doesn't resolve the issue your going to need to go to couples therapy, you shouldn't have to sacrifice your needs and wants just because she cannot be bothered to care.

[Jmart101]

Husbands and wives are supposed to fulfill each others needs to prevent sexual immortality. Also, women have been having babies for thousands of years and I've never heard this. This low libido is nonsense. It's just another excuse... Let her know that you don't think her heart is in the relationship anymore.
Krunch, The answer to your problems is exercise.

[nalaa]

To me it sounds like she is really insecure in the way she looks, after having had a baby

[Krunch]

BOOM! You hit the nail on the head... She attends a gym with her female trainer 3+ times per week. But whenever she is naked or looks in the mirror, she gets disgusted how she looks. She always complains about her belly. She weighs about 105, she doesn't have a belly, she just leans back and it looks like she has a belly.

[SarahsSummer]

Well if you still think your wife is sexy then she hasn't lost her sex appeal.
As for libido, have you tried to take her away somewhere? A trip, vaca, dinner and a hotel for the night w/o your son? try to get her out of her environment to breath a little.

[Krunch]

Well, considering we just purchased a new home this past December... We do go out at least once a week for date night. And also occasionally a night without our son. I am planning a mini vacation, but our son will be with us.

[SarahsSummer]

You need a night away. Get her in a relaxed, no responsibilities environment.

[somebodysaycheese]

First, are you being emotionally attentive. Maybe you should ask her is she happy, i can imagine a lot of women in marriages aren't. She has to do housework most likely, work n raise the kid. Maybe you two should go an a vaca together and taking testosterone isn't going to do anything if she isn't emotionally connected she won't want to have sex with you. And you should also ask yourself is she still physically n sexually attracted to you. You think testosterone will fix it, it won't. If she is feeling connected with you she will want sex. im estrogen dominant with a healthy sex drive actually better than some, if im into the guy i want sex

[Rocket_Queen]

I think this is your best answer. If the emotional connection isn't there, I also have no desire to sex my husband. Even his touch just makes me cringe almost. We worked through that, after realizing the issue was time management with one another and getting that emotional connection back. Everything else, sex included fell into place after that.

[Krunch]

@Rocket_Queen I think you may be right. I have an appointment with a marriage counselor tomorrow. Lets see what happens.

[Rocket_Queen]

Been there too! It actually was extremely helpful for us. Expecially since we both went in not exactly wanting to. We both went pretty close to kicking and screaming, but it was very helpful! Good luck!

[Rissyanne]

If she doesn't have a sex drive... she wants one... that is a different story. But if she doesn't have one and doesn't care? You need to think about this relationship. Because unless she changes her mind, which is doubtful... you will spend the rest of your life like it is now. I know I have friends who are younger than me and does not give a shit about their husband's needs. I guess I am one of the freaks... my sex drive is stronger now than it is ever been.

[Intraluminal]

You can't just "think about this relationship" when you're married with a kid. That's just wrong. He has to fix what he has or learn to live with it.

[Rissyanne]

@Intraluminal Well he can live the life of a monk... he shouldn't complain.

[Intraluminal]

He should try to fix the problem - if he can - otherwise he just has to make the best of it.

[Rissyanne]

@Intraluminal I agree that he should try. But as the years go on... a person can get very bitter.

[Intraluminal]

True, but she "took one for the team." Motherhood just affects some women that way. If, on the other hand, she was faking enjoying sex just to get married, I'd agree with you completely.

[Rissyanne]

@Intraluminal I took 2 for the team and I am not frigid.

[Intraluminal]

Like I said, it affects "some women" that way. I have no idea why, but it does - or certainly seems to. You were lucky, or maybe you just have a better endocrine system or something.

[Rissyanne]

@Intraluminal maybe so... but I could not be in a relationship without a physical intimacy.

[kittykatbrat]

Your options
=
cheat OR separate OR masturbate to porn OR jab her with injections

[Krunch]

LOL... those are the thoughts. I don't have the conscience to cheat. I love her and my son too much to desperate, so I opt for the other two until I start jabbing her with injections.

[kittykatbrat]

Which other two options? Masturbation and separation? Also, why won't your wife take the testosterone shots? What are HER reasons?

[Prof_Don]

in my opinion she is feeling less confident in herself after having the baby, this happens with some women. She probably feels undesirable, no matter how much u desire her.

Hopefully she breaks her mental chains!

[TheLawProf]

This is a really difficult question. You say you've talked to her about it, or at least, tried to. Have you tried taking your son to Grandma's or something, so you two could have some alone-time? How are Valentine's or anniversaries? How do you approach the subject, when you talk to her? Directly, or indirectly? Have y'all considered getting a second child, so your first one won't be alone?

[akadatank44]

Sounds like she's insecure with her well womenhood/sexy and looking the way she was pre pregnancy. I have no experience with this but you need to reassure her you see her as that same woman that you met what less than a decade ago. of you can't change it maybe it's time for some marriage counseling. Dont look at that as the end all to your marriage just as one of the many tools available that can help fix your marital issues

[HaveNoName]

They all say it goes down after children and that it is possible to bring it back. But it all depends on her mindset. If she makes giving birth as an excuse and makes no effort, trust me, it will NEVER come back.

[anonman32]

go to the doctor.

[somedaylove]

As said by other there could physical reasons, but there could be a problem in the relationship.
First question: are you or did you cheat on her? (maybe she knows)
Are you rude?
Is she in love with someone else?
Is she telling you that you are not a good husband/ father/ you are not responsible man?

[Ice95]

I can't help you with that :/

[Anonymous]

I am like your wife... to a degree... I have sex in lots of positions and enjoy it. But foreplay does nothing for me & I don't enjoy being touched. I try to do it for him though but I ask him to respect me and not go down on me or anything... he can touch and I try to hide the fact I'm not into it. I always go down on him though and kiss his body and love him because I know he likes it so I like doing it for him.

[Krunch]

Are you sure you are not my wife? :-) Don't get me wrong. We can have intercourse whenever she or I want. In fact, we have it quite often. It's just not erotic. It is the same... she says, I'm just going to assume the position and she turns over and lets me go from behind. Been like that for some time now.

[Opinion Owner]

We have 2 kids 10 & 6 and I am 29. I can bring the kink (roleplay-Gor and anal) & do whatever he wants to him and if he needs to he can do it to me I am just not a fan and prefer that he not-lol. As far as positions we still do that all BUT I do prefer to keep my clothes on and like I said I just can't recieve oral without feeling like I am goign to throw up. I never saw it as a problem though cause I felt like I was saving him the effort and he still gets his oral wise and maybe even more so now and I kiss him all over and whatever else he likes :D I just don't like or need it to get there. I orgasm in 2minutes and everything else just takes away from that for me. It prob always did if I am honest but ti used to be able to fake and try to be into because I felt like I was supposed to and it made him happy. Now I know my body better and don't feel the need to try to enjoy things that i don't like but because of your post maybe I'll try to put forth alittle more effort to deal again

[Anonymous]

Time to cheat

[kittykatbrat]

... or leave :)