I love my wife but I need sex?

[Anonymous]

I love my wife; we have two amazing children. We do lots of great family things together, but my wife's lack of libido is driving me slowly insane. I haven't been unfaithful in 12 years of marriage (had a couple of close calls) but I'm finding it really hard. I mean, it's only natural that a man and women have sex. We kiss and cuddle still, but I'm not allowed any further. I like to think that I'm a generous lover and have a lot to give; and it feels unhealthy not being able to release a mass of sexual energy within. Before anyone asks, yes we have talked about it, and she says she is just not interest anymore and that's what happens when a women gets older. Two questions; would it be really wrong to be unfaithful, and would it be wrong to have another women as a sexual partner. Don't all shoot me down at once...please!

[Simple-Simonette]

I've been married for almost 10 years, and I have to admit there have been a couple of dry spells in the duration.

If I were to discover that my husband was cheating on me, it would be devastating.

No amount of trying to "turn her on" is going to help if the problem is hormonal. Birth control can also be a reason as well. Depo Provera completely destroyed my sex drive. Stress plays a big factor, as does emotional issues.

There isn't a simple solution. The first step is talk to a doctor - there may be a legitimate medical reason. Loss of sex drive can be a symptom of something else.

This is a complicated situation. Most likely a therapist can help you and your wife work through this if there are no physical reasons why your wife's sex drive has disappeared.

Experiencing the loss of sexuality can be hard on a woman, especially if her partner is less than understanding. I know when I was on Depo, and after the birth of my two children my sex drive all but disappeared. The pressure my husband put on me compounded the feeling of loss I felt. Our struggle became less about sex and more about boundaries and respect. It made it worse and rippled through our relationship to where the effects of it are still felt now. Although I understood how important sex was to my husband, he didn't seem to sympathize with my inability to feel desire. The situation made me feel like he felt his carnal desires were more important than my feelings. I couldn't control how I felt, but he still burdened me with guilt.

Why do you feel entitled to sex? I'm not asking with hostility, I'm genuinely curious. In every marriage, especially with children, there are sacrifices both parties make. Why is this one you can't make? I know with my marriage, I gave up my independence, my career, and at times I feel my identity to be a good wife and mother. Is it so much to ask a man to give up sex? Is sexual pleasure worth that much more than your wife and family?

I'm sure she isn't doing this on purpose, nor is she trying to hurt you. It is just the way things are now - how can you blame or punish her for something beyond her control? Because cheating is a punishment.

I think this is something you guys need to work through together. Before you risk everything to get off, at least attempt to solve the problem at home. You never know, there might be a legitimate reason that you haven't discovered.

Good luck.

[Asker]

Thankyou for your honesty in your answer. Part of my problem is I don't put pressure on her; I've been rejected so many times in bed that I don't just don't bother anymore. She's not on any contraceptive, but the birth of our second child was very quick and painful; for a few years she would have flashbacks and I guess that will play it's part. I keep thinking of trying to introduce new things, such as watching porn together. What do you think? We've tried toys and it didn't go down well.

[hisangel]

I think your desire for sex is completely normal. And I think it's really admirable that you have been dealing with this problem for 12 years but are still faithful.

I would hope that if you can't handle it anymore that you would divorce her. Adultery is a huge betrayal and it will leave her with huge scars. If she is kissing and cuddling with you it means she still feels affection for you so it will probably kill her if you have an affair. Plus, your children will lose a great deal of respect for you over it. Having two parents go their separate ways is something quite different then having a father who is a cheater. I know it can seem that divorce will hurt her more but I think most people would choose being left over having someone sneak around behind your back.

It is very normal for a woman to lose her libido as she ages. A man's tends to decrease as well. So unfortunately it sounds pretty normal for her to stop wanting sex. That doesn't mean I think her actions are OK cause I don't. I just do think that it is normal.

If you want to try at your marriage, you could try something like helping her more out of the bedroom. Women usually have less sex when they are exhausted from the day. So if the kids are wearing her down or chores or whatever, she is less likely to want sex. She wants sleep more. I've noticed that the less I do in a day, the more ready for sex I am cause I have the energy and time to think about it. So if there is anything you can do like the dishes, laundry, etc, it might help.

I would also try to help her understand how much sex is a need for you. She may not respond well but you can try to explain that sex is as important to you as talking is to her. For me that was the biggest light bulb regarding how important sex is to a man. Women feel closer through talking so I would explain how sex is your way of feeling closer and you are just dying without it.

I hope whatever you do, you will weigh what is at stake. You are miserable now but I have no doubt an affair or divorce will bring a new misery. I'm not trying to down play the seriousness of your need. I just know that sometimes when you are drowning you want to take rescue from anyone, not realizing what you are now getting.

[Julia_Dorst]

I would say, cheating is always wrong. No matter what the reason is.

I would think, even when women get older they like sex. You seriously can't not get turned on at some point.

I would just say try to get her turned on, like kissing in her neck, when she's cooking, come up from behind her and brush up her leg and up her thigh.

Or maybe go back to the basic. The way you two were when you first started dating. recreate your first date. Get playfull and have a pillowfight, or a ticklefight. Just spend hours making out and stuff? Get her a present. Give her a mommy free day, where you watch your kids and send her to a spa, or where you both go to a spa and the neighbours watch the kids.

Take a shower together? A bath? Go to the beach?

Or maybe? Go to the gym, women like to see their man all sweaty ;) Make sure you're irresistible, wear what she thinks looks best on you. Make sure you're in tip-top shape and everyhting;)

I hope I helped! Let me know how it went^^

Good luck!

[Julia_Dorst]

Wow thanks! If you need any more help! Just message me okay?:D xx

[Asker]

Thanks for your comment. I'm a triathlete so I'm sweaty quite a lot of the time; she doesn't find it attractive..lol. I will try some of your ideas. I liked your answer because it made me realise that with a stressful job, and training a lot, the little things that women like the most I'm not giving her. I will make an effort and if more sex comes out of it then great, if not then at least a neglected part of our relationship will have improved. Thank you again.

[MrWizard]

First off, for most married people, it is wrong to be unfaithful. There are some open married folks who have openly agreed that they can have other partners, but that is rare and not healthy for your relationship in my opinion.

Check out Laura Corn's book "101 Nights of Grrreat Romance" link for some practical ways to try and rekindle that old spark. This one is meant for girls and guys, but you could seriously just pull out the ones for guys and try them out on your own. The guys activities are mostly about romancing your girl while the girls ones are more about giving fun and creative sex. The whole thing is about building anticipation and keeping things new. There are lots of positive reviews from both guys and girls about how this "saved" their relationships.

You can also check out the book "His Needs, Her Needs". It's focus is on fulfilling each partners needs as a means to prevent cheating or divorce, which is often the result of unmet needs. Perhaps there are some non-sexual needs that you aren't getting the job done.

Lastly, please consider professional marriage counseling for the two of you before you would be unfaithful. Hopefully with some help, you can come to a consensus that you both find satisfying.

[l-hedoniste]

You haven't talked about it yet. She's told you how she felt, and that's important, but she hasn't explained how you're supposed to cope with the end of sex in your marriage, and the constant misery it's left you in.

You're not prepared to end your sex life, while she's prepared to end hers. She needs to understand that you will have some sexual future. When you're both aware of what that future will look like, THEN you've talked about it.

It's going to be a painful talk, but it would be infinitely more painful--and more cruel--to simply start a new relationship and force her to adjust.

[wildfire5288]

Um you're two questions are the same and they both are is it OK if I cheat. The answer is no, you got married so the deal is you have sex with one woman for the rest of your life or you get divorced, those are the only two choices and since I doubt that you're going to divorce her over sex either deal with it, use your hand, or just go and have sex with her. I don't mean rape her but one day before bed or something pin her up against the wall, tell her how hot she is and how much you and and need her and just go for it.

[Julia_Dorst]

Oh! I like this idea tooo!!!! You should deff try this;)

[hunnie-bunches]

I think you should tell her that you really want sex and if she doesn't want to give it to you then you will get it somewhere else there is a saying that I believe in :WHAT YOU WONT DO FOR YOUR MAN THERE IS A WOMAN THAT WILL

[katiesmuff]

Well I am on your team with this question. I agree that people need there sex.

Your tale is so typical of so many married couples and I sure don't understand it.

Have you tried professional counseling for the both of you?

It is just this type of situation that is a big reason for many of the marrital infedilties and really I couldn't come to put the blame on the offender (you in this case)

I wish you luck and sure hope your wife wakes up real soon and realizes what she is about to throw away.

[Littletad]

I'd suggest you'd talk to a doctor or therapist. Do not cheat on her. This will only destroy her. I'm sure that whatever is happening, is not done by her own choosing. It is either mental or physical. Such as stress, birth control, or other.

[soccerrun1]

Try watching the movie "I think I love my wife" after I watched this I wondered about what I would do in this situation. I think I would probably take her on a date and try to have a really nice night and then when we went to bed I would just take control and have sex with her. You could also try buying her some lingerie or something sexual like that.

[gud11man]

i think that both of you should visit a sex counciller as for your wifes saying that what happens when women get older that's baloney all she needs is serious chat with you tell her the truth tell her how you feel tell her that for the good of your relationship as well as the kids that this problem must be solved don't bottle it up ask her to remember how it was between you to when you first startd dating so please visit a relationship counciller or sex therapist there are loads of treatments for you both can try don't give up on her don't fool around it's not worht it in the end they always find out