Sexual Health
+1 y

How to tell him I have herpes?

I've been with my boyfriend for a bit over a month now. We were friends before so are very close and have our own places so spend a lot of time and nights together. We haven't had sex (intercourse) yet, but have been physically intimate in many other ways, and it's been great. The reason I've waited isn't because I have herpes, its because I value him and myself and want to foster our genuine connection and trust and such before doing something which could make me more emotionally vulnerable. He's respected this, but of course does want to have sex, and now I'm starting to feel ready... time to talk.

A few years ago I got the virus for HSV1 from someone eating me out. This means that I have genital herpes, but it's the type that usually manifests as cold sores, which 80% of people have the virus for. Most research shows genital HSV1 as less contagious than coldsores, but I still think its important to tell him this before having sex, so that he's fully aware of all I'm aware of and we're on the same page.

We leave for break on Tuesday and will be separate for a week before seeing each other again. I'm thinking of talking to him about this before leaving, maybe Sunday or on Monday, so that he can think about it over break, but still have a day or two to hang and feel close to me with this knew knowledge before heading off. But I also wonder if it could be better to tell him on the phone towards the end of break or when we get back so that we can spend more time together in person.

How would you want someone to tell you this? What sort of timing and conversation would make you most comfortable? How do you think you'd feel and respond if you were him? Thanks for your help!!
Updates:
+1 y
I told him this morning and he didn't care at all. To anyone who thinks this is a big deal, whether because of feeling a personal stigma for having it, or a stigma on or fear of getting it -- calm down. It's not a big deal: not something to hide, and not something to leave someone for. If you fear genital HSV1 be careful of the 80% of people in the world who could more easily give it to you by giving you oral sex who would not know to warn you than from sex with someone who got it that way.
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Most Helpful Girls

  • A friend of mine found out she had herpes and shortly after she got into a new relationship. She told him in a moment of panic right before they had sex (I don't suggest doing this) and it turns out he was also infected!!

    I think the best way to tell someone is when you're in a relaxed environment and explain the disease as you have here for us the infection rates etc.
    I think you're right to tell him before the break then give him some time to think it over.
    You should also prepare yourself for the worst and realise that he may decide he doesn't want to see you anymore.

    Good luck x

    • Sorry I just saw your update after I posted. I'm glad you got the best possible outcome and don't worry about what people are saying here. Just make sure you take precautions to prevent infecting him. I believe there are supressants and diets you can follow to prevent getting sores? Again good luck :-)

  • I have herpes to and I do not tell my partners being as though we use condoms. I haven't had an outbreak in over a year. a lot of people have herpes, a lot. They will never tell you and some are in denial. I would not tell him if I was you. He might freak out ir not talk to you again. Guys tend to look at you differently once you tell them something like that. And if he does stay with dont expect the sex to be romantic with him eating you out. Nope. Nothing. And if the shoe was on the other foot and he had herpes, would he tell you? Probably not. i dont know any man who would.

    • Uhm not telling someone is the shittiest thing you can do and to justify it by saying he wouldn't tell you if it was the other way around is dumb. You should be a good person and let him know because people deserve to know that. Knowingly spreading a disease is very very wrong. OP I think it's a great idea for you to tell him! I like your idea of doing it before you leave for break and spending time together too so he can feel that bond. I hope everything works out xx

    • What makes you think it we wouldn't be able to have romantic sex and for him to eat me out? He enjoys eating me out and seems to care about me... and it is literally less likely to get HSV from me than from getting a blowjob from 80% of the population, who probably wouldn't tell him. The reason I think its important is because I would be extremely hurt if someone I was seeing and having sex with knew they had HSV and didn't tell me, and confused and angry if I got it without the person having letting me choose for myself to take the (albeit small) risk. I care for him and want to be honest. I think I would rather break up with him and just be friends than start having sex without being honest with I'm about this. That doesn't feel okay to me.

  • It's a good thing that you're planning on telling him now. However, I personally would have wanted my partner to have told me before we'd been together a month, and definitely before we'd done ANYTHING sexual. Some people (like me) have low immune systems, and can catch things VERY easily.
    As far as when and how you should tell him: don't do it over the phone, and just say that there's something you need to discuss with him and just explain what you did it your question above.

  • You need to tell him and also expect he worse even if it is not as contagious as HSv2 still tell him. He might stay or he might not but he would be risking his health so tell him. You can also find someone who has HSV as well they have dating sites I think for people who have it.

Most Helpful Guys

  • Several years ago I dated a lady who had herpes. She told me early on in the relationship and I was fine with it. I just realized that I'd be wearing condoms. But what the heck, it is a good idea anyway. I liked her and enjoyed her company so it wasn't an issue with me. Sadly she broke up with me because she reconciled with a former boyfriend while dating me.

    So, when to bring it up? I think from what you describe, it is probably time to bring it up. I think the way you say it here is about right. Keep us posted as to your progress!

    • I see your updated note... Sounds good! From the sound of it, I didn't think he would have a problem with it.

  • Why have you waited for his feelings for you to get to this point before considering telling him? I would want to know much earlier in the relationship so if I decided I could not be with a woman who has a std I could much easily leave the relationship.

    • I don't think it's necessary for me to give this information to anyone unless I am interested in having sex with them, and until now we have not been having sex. Of course it would be easier to leave earlier on, but is that really the best thing? That would be out of illogical fear and stigma, and I have a right to date people without immediately giving the most personal information of why they might not want to date me later on. I think even if this had for some reason been a deal breaker to him, he would not have regretted this time we've spent together, as its been really fun and meaningful for both of us so far.

    • One of the amazing joys of entering a new relationship is the sexual part of it. We all know that when a new relationship is building sex is a big part of it. With time this can diminish. So when I enter a new relationship it is reasonably expected that the sex will be very active for at least a a while. With this in mind I insist knowing if she is a carrier of a sexually transmitted disease that I will, after being sexually active with her, will also pick up. If she knowingly gives me as STD and keeps it from me she better have a good attorney.

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What Girls & Guys Said

3 4

  • "I just found out I have herpes. I am being treated for it, but you should get tested.'

  • Serious issue as u won't know how the guy can react but definetely it is a good thing to disclose it. Only contagious if u have an outbreak and u can explain to him the risks. Not telling him would be the worst thing u can do

    • Agreed @alej27

  • How to tell him I have herpes?How to tell him I have herpes?

    I was diagnosed with HSV-1 in 2019 and to this day are not sure whether I have oral, genital or both as I haven't had any outbreaks at all. My doctor was very good and told me that there are ways to manage herpes through taking vitamins and supplements on a daily basis which I've shared in the images above.

    It isn't easy being in the dating world due to the unfortunate stigma this STI has however it is important to be upfront and honest with the people whom you meet before getting intimate with one another.

    I'm glad to hear that things have worked out with your guy.

  • Don't know what to do, but you are the real mvp for having decency to tell him.

  • condomssssssssssssssssssssss
    you guys 'll be fine

    • Unfortunately condoms don't protect you from getting herpes as it's a skin borne STI.

  • I can't imagine bringing this up. Personally I'd leave, and thank god you had the decency to not just infect me.

    • Why would you leave, when there is a greater chance of getting herpes from getting a blowjob from 80% of the population than from having sex with me, a girlfriend who you like and care for?

  • Bring up your past sex partners then tell

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