I can't stop saying hurtful things to my girlfriend. It's her past that kills me. Mixing up stories.

Question

We've been together for 2 1/2 years. Her past kills me and what she's done with others. She claimed to have given a guy a handjob completely naked...is that even possible? She even said that he asked her to have sex and she said.."you can forget it!'' and did it all naked...should I believe that?! It seems that whenever we fight about this I feel better by telling her off and calling her hurtful things. Listen, I know I may be wrong for doing this that is why I'm here I don't need any feminist women or asshole that are just going to insult me and not help with a solution...I don't need to hear anything from you. I'm looking for a way to stop doing this 'cause I want to stop this. I ask a neutral spirit for some advice.

tsauder · Accepted Answer

Hi, take if from a guy who is in exactly the same predicament that you are. Believe me, if I can get over this stuff then you can too because I was FREAKED by my girlfrend's past sexual experiences. So, deep breath...

Not only has my girlfriend had sex with waaaaaaay more guys than I have had with girls she also contracted genital herpes from one of them who lied about being clean. She figured that the "normal" way of dating was to date a guy for a couple months and if you liked him to have sex with condoms and when you both decided that you were going to remain monogamous then the condoms can go and the girl goes on birth control. Seems quite reasonable at first, until you realize that the more unprotected sex you have the higher the likelihood of running into someone with a disease who lies to you about it.

We've been together 10 months so far. But for many, many of those months I became obsessed with her sexual past. Did she had one night stands? How long did she wait before having sex with someone? Why did she stay in a bad relationship and continue to have sex with some awful (in her words) guys? Was she a slut? And it just kept getting worse because soon it became more than concern over the volume of sexual partners but what she was thinking while they were having sex. What did she let them do to her? What did she do to them? My thoughts became so obessive that I started wondering if she allowed herself to be raped with some of these guys? My anger was also directed towards these faceless men who had the nerve to "get off" on my girlfriend and how GROSS it was that she allowed their penises in her vagina and her mouth, etc! As I am sure you understand, the thoughts and resuting emotions would start to run out of control and you start to feel sick to your stomach and question how you could possible stay with this girl knowing that this past might haunt you forever! You ask questions even you know you may be horrified by the answer.

Understand that her sexual impulses are normal. Take comfort in the fact that she is wired for sex and sexual pleasure just like you. Finally, understand that when you are with the one you love you don't dwell on the past. It is possible that she regrests some of the things she's done, forgive her just like you hope she would forgive you. It is also possible that she enjoyed everything she's done...she's allowed that just like you would never want her to take from you a wonderful sexual experience. But this is CRITICAL...you must accept that the physical act of sex, in whatever form, will never, ever measure up to love and commitment. If you show her love and commitment and treat her like the special person she is she will NEVER dwell on her past because she will have everything she wants, right now, with you.

Remind yourself: most healthy humans would give up sex for true love. If you show her true love and acceptance, being with you will feel better than any sex she's ever had!

1MysteryMan · Accepted Answer

GOD DAMN ! You actually sound just like me ... Dude the best advice I could give you is to try and cope with it and realize (IF YOU DO) that you love her... Yes it sounds f***ed up but I was the same way, just like what you said and thinkin of her w other men got me p*ssed ... But I love her dude, I can't do sh*t about that either, soon she'll cry herself to sleep feeling like sh*t for past mistakes she can't take back... when you look at her face think about how much she means to you and let it all go, of course it will happen with time and LOVE. gud luck

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

you need to get it together before she gets fed up and leaves you.

stop thinking about her past. everyone has a past. don't you have a past? look at it from this point of view, are you a virgin? do you have sex with your girlfiend? do you care about her and does she care about you? well think of it like this, she probably cared about the guy she was with and gave an hj to as well. you can't berate her for having a sexual past if you're having sex with her yourself. what makes you different than the other guy? why is it okay for her to be sexual with you but completely and totally terrible in your eyes that she was with someone before you?

i could see if she let the entire football team at her school run a train on her, but you're talking about giving a guy a handjob naked and then you don't believe her when she said she didn't have sex? does it matter? get over yourself before you lose someone who is clearly very tolerant of your outbursts.

Christian_Love · Answer

It would seem that what you should be asking yourself is, "Am I able to forgive her for what she's done?" because until you've done that it will never stop and you will always have that feeling of anger, sorrow, and jelousy.

I don't know your girlfriend and neither will I try to but what I can say is what do you know about her? Has she lied to you before? Do you trust her enough? What is it that makes you doubt her story as a whole? Its a little strange that she would give a guy a handjob naked and not do anything else but what are you going to do? All you can do is take her word for it and believe her, it would seem your relationship really lacks some trust right now.

No I won't say that calling her nams is right and I'm sure your aware of this but just try to catch yourself whan you know you might go off on her. Another thing is, look at your own past, what have you done and not done? Is the teapot callig the kettle black?(or however that saying goes)

Don't go off on her if you yourself have done things with past women. Think about that. Do you love her enough to forgive her for her past indescretions?

Good Luck

ArizonaRX · Answer

Well, seems like there is obviously trust issues here. Trust issues are a relationship breaker. You get upset and frustrated and feel that making her feel lower than you, somehow makes you feel better. It might for a short period of time, but it obviously makes you feel worse if you are looking for a way to stop doing it. So that being said, the quick fix of belittling her really only makes things worse for you as well as her. If you don't trust her and can't find a way to do so, then I suggest it's time to move on. There are millions of women out there and eventually you'll "could" find one you trust. But, at the same time, the trust begins with you. If you predetermine every woman to not be trustworthy, no woman will ever be good enough for you. You will be unhappy and follow in this web of insulting women when you get upset and frustrated.

What is it that's so bad about her past? Pre-you? I mean are you hell bent on the fact that you only want her to have ever been with you period? Why do you even want to know her past sexual experiences? If they mean so much to you to know, then what's your criteria? If she doesn't fit that criteria, than why are you still with her for 2.5 years? I mean, I've asked girlfriends some questions about their past boyfriends and what they have and haven't done, but I'm not going to dwell on it. I don't care what she's done in the past as long as she's clean and disease free. It's frankly none of my business Pre-our relationship. If she wishes to tell me, fine. If she doesn't want to tell me, than it's up to me to break north or stay put.

Were you verbally abused as a child? Was there verbal abuse in your family? Because what you are describing is classic signs of abuse.

yengesi · Answer

1. Relationships are about the future. Dwelling in the past isn't going to help anything.

2. If you don't trust her/don't believe her, that's an issue in itself. Relationships require trust.

3. Regardless of the reason, if you get satisfaction from hurting her, that's a serious issue, and it's all yours, not hers to deal with. It's good that you say you want to change it, but the attitude you express here doesn't lend credibility to that claim. It sounds like you're looking for someone to tell you where the "off" switch is for your mean side. It doesn't work that way. The first step to constructive, effective personal improvement is humility. It doesn't sound like you've found that yet.

l-hedoniste · Answer

You have a choice. You can keep making yourself feel better by running your girlfriend down about your past. Then, if she has any sense, she'll dump you and your mouth, and walk.

Or, you can bury her past, shut your mouth, and keep your girl.

You cannot do both. Make your choice, and deal.

Anonymous · Answer

Same exact. problem with me... was there ever a solutions?

I can't stop saying hurtful things to my girlfriend. It's her past that kills me. Mixing up stories.

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