I'm too slutty for my boyfriend...how can I change this? (long)

Question

I know this sounds like a silly question but its something I'm starting to worry about, not for my own sake or anything, but because this guy I'm seeing doesn't really approve. Usually I would just kick him to the curb and get a new guy but I kid you not when I say that I think he's my soul mate. Lol we are so in tuned to each other and our connection is so intense and I am actually in love with him. Maybe its more than "in love"...I've been in love before, this seems like something so far beyond that...okay I'm rambling.So I can't lie I am pretty promiscuous or slutty. I've been this way for a very long time. I get that he doesn't like that but he also doesn't like what he calls "slutty sex." He means like nasty sex. We are on the same page about everything except sex. Lol he only likes very vanilla sex, pretty much just safe missionary where he's on top and he said he likes to do most of the work and he likes it all romantic and sappy. Lots of slow sex, eye contact, etc. I think that's fine but I do like nasty kinky sex so much better. I love being on top with my ass facing the guy so I can work my hips around and show him my moves while he stares at my bum. I have a nice round ass. He needs to see this! Lol he doesn't like it when I deep throat on him or gag. I love being in doggy style with my back arched and have the guy spank my ass and yank my hair hard. I like to be slapped in my face hard as well and he won't even lightly slap me. I got into being spanked with hands, a paddle, or a belt and he isn't willing to do more than slap it once or twice. Also I LOVE dirty talk. I love name calling and sh*t like that. He hates it. If I say something like "f*** yeah baby make me your little bitch" he will literally be like "so um why would you say something like that about yourself." I've also been around the block a few times and I've done things he hasn't and things he isn't comfortable with me even wanting. For example when we first started talking about our sexual pasts I told him that I've had threesomes, group sex, etc. And how my ultimate fantasy would be to have a gang bang with only all guys (like 7 guys is my fantasy I don't know why) and have them use me up, f*** the sh*t out of me, pee on me, come on me, whatever. He REALLY didn't like that. I don't know why I mean its a fantasy. I guess it scares him because he knows I could do it if I wanted to but I don't think I would cheat on him. I've never actually cheated on anyone who was my official bf. We are dating but not official, just sleeping together and hanging out. He wants to be my boyfriend because he doesn't trust me to be loyal if nothing is official. Temptation is always around me but if I really care I don't think I will cheat.So is there anyway to literally train myself to dislike all this stuff and genuinely get into vanilla sex? And generally be less slutty? We are so perfect together that something as stupid as this shouldn't get in the way.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

1) Recognize you are perceived as being easy. If you find yourself sleeping with many men, this is problematic.

2) Keep your relationships confidential. Chances are you tend to brag about your encounters with the other sex. Stop it. Good girls don't kiss and tell. Just because you discuss it more may give people the impression you are getting around. Talk about things other than sexual interests or details of your love life.

3) Avoid dating or hook ups with people who are in your circle of friends, co-workers, school or people who share a lot of mutual friends. Even if you don't talk about your sex life the other person might. If you want to keep your sex life private you should date people your friends don't know.

4) Consider why you are getting the negative attention. Is the attention stemming from comments you make, the way you look, how you act around members of the opposite sex, etc. Some people confuse sexual exploits with popularity or love.

5) Talk to a professional if you have a history of abuse. Many people act out sexually after abuse. If you speak to someone when bad behavior starts you stand a good chance of correcting the behavior before it starts ruining relationships. You may be surprised to find out how many of your behaviors are typical and could learn steps to avoid filling emotional voids with sex.

6) Consider a change of friends. If your friends are considered easy or behave poorly you may want to surround yourself with friends with less controversial reputations.

7) Get a makeover, but not just physically. Try a mental makeover. Stop thinking of yourself as a piece of entertainment. Start looking in the mirror and calling you self beautiful. It's way fun and interesting, which leads to entertainment, to be yourself, but don't think of yourself as something people use and lose. Stop wearing revealing clothes, playboy bunny emblems, and laces. It's not a crime to cover up. Wear whatever you're comfortable, confident, and feeling good in, but stay away from clothing that shows cleavage, shorts and skirts that are too short, and clothing that is way too tight.

8) Don't be overly flirtatious with every guy you meet, especially the taken ones. Nothing is worse than having angry girlfriends spreading your business about. Be friendly and kind, and keep the flirting as such.

9) Change your crappy attitude. You're not worthless. People only hate you because of how negative you treat yourself. Forget the past, look into the future. You're your own girl. You don't need a man to be worth anything. Rely on close friends, but never cling. Be who you are on the inside. Dig deep. Read books, try to do well in school, pick up a hobby. Take art classes. You're capable!

10) Just remember. You're not there for the guys. You don't need them, and you never will. Don't let people push you around or walk over you. Find love within your friends, if you come or came from a broken home.

11) Stay away from drugs, alcohol, and casual sex.

Tigerlily · Accepted Answer

You kind of sound like me, though a little more extreme. I don't quite have your problem - lord knows my guy's into all that lol. But I sometimes feel like having just 'vanilla' sex and he's not into that so much so I miss out on that; I like a little bit of both. Perhaps I'm different to you there, but I guess I just cope (lol cope, sounds like such a strong word) by enjoying the elements of it that I do find. For example, some people find neck biting to be really intimate, others like the hint of violence in it. So maybe he could think of it as being all vanilla and stuff and you could think of it as being more your thing.

Apart from that, you both gotta just compromise I guess... problem is, you're on the worse end here. If he did what you wanted, he might be uncomfortable, but if you do what he wants you're just not getting everything you want. Try getting him to work in a few little elements of your style - explain it to him as a way of feeling utterly vulnerable and therefore intimate with that person, that you trust them enough to do that stuff to you. Perhaps he'll understand it better and see it as less 'kinky' then. If he can do little bits here and there then perhaps you can learn to like it more and appreciate what you do get, and you can find a middle ground.

I don't know what you're like but if you're well and truly a sub (and it sounds like you are) then consider how weird it'd be if you suddenly had to be the Dom. Maybe it's a bit like that for him. I don't know. I guess you gotta talk about it some more but be less about what you want and more about how you can both get something you want. Hope that helps!

babymama2010 · Accepted Answer

I was pretty promiscuous before me and my boyfriend got together. We have been together now for almost two years, and I'm disgusted with myself for the way I use to be. I knew from the first time that I met him that I really liked him and I really wanted to be with him. Most guys are so easy to get with, but he wasn't that easy. What I didn't realize then was that he actually had respect for me unlike all the other guys did. The first few months that we were together I still texted other guys, partyed with other guys, flirted with other guys.. but after realizing how much I really cared about him I stopped acting like a whore and started respecting myself a lot more. Now, I'm a totally different girl. I would never ever think of sleeping around, or disrepecting him or myself in any way. Being with him has really worked out for the better, for both of us. It sounds like this boy really cares about you and respects you, and since you feel the same way I wouldn't waste the oppurtunity to be with him.

As for the sex part, it sounds like he just doesn't have much experiance. Maybe he feels like he has a lot to measure up to since you have a more wide range of experiance than he does. Hopefully, you guys can get on the same page about sex and I hope that two of you work out :)

Cartiphilus · Accepted Answer

"...I am pretty promiscuous or slutty. I've been this way for a very long time. ..." ----Knowing who and what you are and being comfortable with it is a healthy state of mind. Don't let any one shake that in you. Don't change unless you know it's the best thing for YOU!

"...he doesn't like that but he also doesn't like...that about yourself." Many people enjoy that kind of sex. The fact that he doesn't enjoy what you need most is one major thing that could drive the two of you apart.

"...I've done things he hasn't and things he isn't comfortable with me even wanting. For example when we first started talking about our sexual pasts I told him that I've had threesomes, group sex, etc. And how my ultimate fantasy would be to have a gang bang with only all guys (like 7 guys is my fantasy I don't know why) and have them use me up, f*** the sh*t out of me, pee on me, come on me, whatever. ..." If I'm not mistaken that is called 'bukake'. A swinger friend of mine has a very wild sex appetite and has a similar fantasy as yours but has not yet had it fulfilled. You're not alone with that desire/fantasy. It's not strange for you to have that fantasy.

"...He REALLY didn't like that. I don't know why I mean its a fantasy. I guess it scares him because he knows I could do it if I wanted to but I don't think I would cheat on him. I've never actually cheated on anyone who was my official boyfriend. We are dating but not official, just sleeping together and hanging out. He wants to be my boyfriend because he doesn't trust me to be loyal if nothing is official. Temptation is always around me but if I really care I don't think I will cheat." Yep, this fundamental difference between you two will definitely drive you two apart. It's good that you two are not official. Your desires and needs are far too different than his. You two, on a mental level, may be 'soul' mates, but I dare say you're not compatible enough to be a working/lasting couple.

"So is there anyway to literally train myself to dislike all this stuff and genuinely get into vanilla sex? And generally be less slutty? We are so perfect together that something as stupid as this shouldn't get in the way." -----For you, no, it's your nature to be as you are and if you try to change, it will become too difficult for you. You'll wind up hating him because you had to try and change who you really are and being so comfortable with yourself. A shark only wants to eat, a scorpion will always sting, a snake will always bite, and you will always love to f***, have sperm sprayed in your face or on your boobs and love every second of it. Being true to yourself is your best path.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

OMG! This is terrible girl.. I was in the same situation. Well, Let me rephrase, I always wanted all those things you've done and want but I was always afraid to bring it or even cheat on my girl. So, I just little by little started telling her things here and there.. Well, I have to say it took a while, 10 years, but now we just started going to swingers clubs and do public sex, and a lot more stuff that she did not even though she would ever do.

She went from telling me when we were dating, (both virgins), "i don't need sex" to "when are we going back to the club" or "Are we f***ing tonight?", "I need to be used today", She is getting in shape so we can invite other couples and do swapping and f*** together.

In conclusion, If you thing he is the one, I am sure he will give in to you later on. BC sex will get boring after a while if you don't keep changing it. And if he loves you, he will realize that.

Now, I don't know what you gonna do with him not trusting you! That is a no-no. You will have to behave good for a long time and pretend you don't need all those stuff for him to start trusting you and then you can start bring in little kinky stuff into the bedroom. Just take it slow with him. I know he would not reget 2 girls on his birthday! (Hint)

thechad · Answer

Way too much info! BUT... What you have here is a guy that obviously cares deeply for you but he is very insecure and intimidated by you when it comes to sex. Because you've bombarded him with all your sexual fantasies, exploites, etc, he knows he's fighting well above his weight as far as sex goes. You just need to real it in a little bit, and take "baby steps" with him. Try some gentle persuasion, (I'm sure you know how). Like if you love doggy style, when you're making out with him, just slowly turn around and gently start grinding your ass against him, then take his hands and use them to start feeling yourself up and undressing yourself, and him. Then guide him in from behind. Easy! Just remember take it easy, introduce things slowly. Instead of saying "Fu**k yeah smack my ass! Try saying "Oh babe, I it really makes me hot when you smack my bum" Then once he starts doing it, and you respond positively (not too aggressively), you can tell him to di it a bit harder and so on, OK? Before you know it he'll be swinging from the light fittings with you GARANTEED! Just remember that it will take some time because he needs to catch up to you experience wise, so have fun with it and be his teacher. GENTLY, GENTLY! Good luck!

Brianna987 · Answer

You two sound quite mismatched, honestly. And - did I get it right - you're his f**k buddy, not his girlfriend? His reasons for making it "official" sound like an attempt to control, actually. If you really want to change, I think you have a pretty good idea what you should and should not be doing if you want to be less slutty. But again, you don't seem too compatible. Have you thought of looking for a man who actually can fulfill your sexual needs?

useranonymous · Answer

Don't give up on what you like for him if he's not willing to do the same for you. Tone it down a little for him, but only if he's willing to be a little more open with you. I wouldn't say to expect him to punch you in the face or put a belt around your neck or anything, but ask him if he's willing to to let you do the work, to talk a little dirty.

It's called the "foot-in-the-door" technique. You start with small requests, then increase them gradually. It's been used in many psychological studies, and is proven effective in most instances.

My current boyfriend's ex wouldn't let him do anything, so he was really conservative. Two years later now, he's choking me, spanking me, being rough, trying all sorts of new positions. Just give it some time.

You should look up this one sex columnist Dan Savage -- he alwayssss has people asking about things like this and he always has amazing answers and advice. It could really help you out! :)

quote · Answer

I really do sympathize with you. Sex has to be enjoyed and you obviously enjoy kinky sex and what goes with it. The trouble with kinky sex is that it can become kinkier and perhaps dangerous over time. For example, I would not talk about the fantasy of being gang raped as boys are very jealous when it comes to girl friends.

It sounds to me that your boy friend is a little inhibited and cannot relax into your type of sex at the moment. Perhaps you should introduce a small bit of kinkiness each time you are with him so that he can start enjoying it. He likes to make the running because he is obviously in love with you and he likes to look into your eyes when he makes gentle love to you. He views you as a perfect example of the female sex and he does not want to indulge in any violence with you. This is rather a lovely attitude for a man and it shows that he respects you so try and retain this but at the same time tell him you want to be more adventurous. Maybe you could ask him to kiss you all over your naked body and then you could start doing the same to him. You could work this into a bit of "rough and tumble" and see how things go.

Best wishes.

Cld-az-iceprincess · Answer

You didn"t say how long you have been seeing this guy and if he is older than you...No one can tell you how to change it seems you apparently know the difference between non slutty and slutty. I think your young and looking for attention and most of the men who are not serious about you are looking for "slutty"! Don't be what they want, be who you want to be. I seriously don't think those are your "fantasies" I just think your trying to score points with the men population and make few men HAPPIER. Sounds like he is very respectful and most of the men online and off are no where close. Being in a relationship because he thinks it will keep you loyal sounds way to controlling sounds like he has issues that you both need to work on The best of luck, and "clean up" for you not some guy and not to be totally rude but protection and BC ;)

beckysue · Answer

I think it's exceptionally important in a relationship to be on the same page when it comes to sex, for heaven's sake, at least in the same book! He really needs to compromise on your desires. I mean, come on! For f***'s sake, sometimes we like it HARD and FAST! Pull the hair, slap the ass, grab some and ram it in! I couldn't imagine all that sappy love making sh*t all the time, I mean once in a while it's really nice to go slow and feel calm but when I'm really horny I just want it hard and fast. If he can't do that for you I don't think you'll be pleased in the long run :( Sorry, I don't think there's any way to 'train' your brain

tallguy30 · Answer

no need to change who you are. you might want to consider not doing these things while in this relationship though. gradually bring him up to speed with what you like. ask him his fantasies. EVERY guy has them. see what happens. I love open minded girls!

Reeses-pieces777 · Answer

you might want to consider a bit of counselling to have some strength to not cheat or just have something that keeps your mind active about the fact you really want it to work.

take the right steps to not be promiscuous or whatever and stay true to the guy. I have the opposite issue. I'm quite honest and straight forward and not promiscuous, but I have dated guys who are promiscuous...well, if you really love him, then do it. it's not that hard to do. got to discipline yourself is all.

Don_Garb · Answer

Do you gain weight on your belly or on your hips/thighs/buttocks? If you gain weight on your belly then you have a lot of testosterone in you and might very well have a male brain. If that's the case then it won't change for a very long time. You could take him to the gym and pump his muscles so that they rip, that will give him a lot of testosterone and could put you 2 on the same page.

Try having a 3-way with him and another girl to get him used to the idea of less clingy sex. This is a significant lack of compatibility and you might have to bite the bullet and let this guy go.

chettah-two · Answer

Troll

katiesmuff · Answer

Well it has been 6 months since you put this question to us.  What has transpired in these last months?

oasis · Answer

hm..my friend her new boyfriend like the rough stuff. she used to rough stuff but she into the vanilla sex now. he doesn't like it. cause he knew how she used to be. but she wants it that way and its hard because he was crazy all the time and so on. so they just slowing mix it up. also her going off at him since she doesn't want to be all sumsise all the time. lol help I guess. from what she told me. she just pretty much talk to him and they mix it around .

and yeah. if you like him you won't cheat on him . you just have to make that clear to him one time and that's it. and just give it time with him

l-hedoniste · Answer

Why is it that when kinky meets vanilla, it's always kinky that needs to change? That's bullsh*t.

You can brainwash yourself into thinking you're a vanilla girl, but it will make you a f*cking nutcase AND unhappy AND it won't stick. I don't recommend it.

Consider it this way: Would it be reasonable for you to demand that your boy brainwash himself to believe that he's kinky? Would it be appropriate to disapprove of his preferences, to judge his fantasies, to hold his past against him?

No; it would be way out of line. Think about that.

If this guy is really your soul mate, he'll adjust. If not, there are plenty of guys who'll take you--who are *desperate* to take you--just as you are.

dtaylor31906 · Answer

wow I need to take a cold shower just about hearing your sexual past lol

some guys would fall in love with you just cause you have sex this way lol I don't know wats up with your guy maybe you can tell him why you like it so much and maybe he will get use to it cause its no way to stop yourself from liking that stuff and I can only for se that leading to you cheating on him in the long run(not saying your a slut or anything just cause you are really unsatisfied sexually) or you will stop wanting to have sex with him and that cause relationship promblems right there so you guys have to compromise maybe he can talk dirty to your more but doesn't have to slap you( I can see why he doesn't slap you hard I mean I think I would even take some time to get use to that) or he could have sex in the positions you want but doesn't have to talk dirty lol you know compromise and kinda guide him into the world of your sex that you like to have

Kenival · Answer

"I deep throat on him or gag. I love being in doggy style with my back arched and have the guy spank my ass and yank my hair hard. I like to be slapped in my face hard as well and he won't even lightly slap me. I got into being spanked with hands, a paddle, or a belt and he isn't willing to do more than slap it once or twice. Also I LOVE dirty talk. I love name calling and sh*t like that. He hates it. If I say something like "f*** yeah baby make me your little bitch""

Haha our relationship is completely opposite.. me and my ex had the same sex fetishes as you described right there and I felt like she was my SEXUAL soul mate but I also felt like our personalities did NOT fit each other what so ever.. So we broke up after 3 or 4 months, kept seeing each other to satisfy our sexual needs and then she started dating another guy.. guess what? I felt really terrible, but she ended up cheating on him with me. We're both COMPLETELY against cheating, but the sex is just THAT good, it's ridiculous.

I'd rather have your problem though, be in love with not such great sex.

properplay · Answer

okay. first of all don't "try " to change anything. you can accept everything you are and don't have to worry about changing. that's the first step to changing, paradoxical, I know. accept your feelings embrace them all.

now, although you are embracing your feelings, you don't have to act in line with them, start having "vanilla" sex. after a while you'll start to enjoy it more.

if you ever start thinking about "slutty" sex that's okay, but you don't have to, you can stop thinking about it and focus your attention on "vanilla" sex

it's not weird of him, I'm the same way, I'm totally turned off by slutty sex. but, I could condition myself to like it.

rafael0120 · Answer

this is my opinion; if your a believer in christ go to church, and you will be change, I know there's many out there that are hypocrites, and many who think there christians, but there not; don't worry about them/ if you want a change go to church, be in prayer every morning and night, read the bible from matthew to jude, 5 chapters a day, and give praise and worship; if you go to the fulless you will change; by doing this it might cause your boy friend to wanna leave you, but trust me if he does he will wanna come back; he's the one loosing something good not you...I use to be into p*rn and I had most of the girls I knew, something told me I was wrong what I was doing to these girls; I felt dirty and wanted a change, I would even cry/ so I started doing all of these things above, and became a new person, a big change trust me, and felt cleanse...don't know if you like what I'm saying, but I'm just passing down the message, I know it would even take your dirty fantasy's away, and it might built trust between you and your boy friend, tag him along as well

dilava · Answer

HAHA your just a victim our sex oriented society. Stop watching so much damn p*rn. OK so you happen to get gangbanged and used as an object by several guys... then what? Your existence will just be filled with emptiness and depression. Cause if you meet a new guy who approves of your fantasies and participates in them, would be a red flag in the sense he won't respect you or himself for that matter.

Sounds like he is new at sex, it takes time for a guy to develop those skills, on top of that he seems like he is too good for you, since he respects you more than you do yourself.

darkknight1x · Answer

For starters you could try dressing like Ashley Tisdale and Valerie Poxlietner. Also don't look at porn. You should volunteer to work for Habitat for Humanity. You could also try doing what Hayden Panettiere does and help save the whales by going to link

Try to enjoy the simple things in life.

By the way, the second paragraph made my d*ck rock hard.

iXenomorph · Answer

Fuck the sh*t out of him and see if he says the same thing afterward. No I mean, really, make him beg you to stop.

I'm too slutty for my boyfriend...how can I change this? (long)

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