Sexual Health
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He called me someone else's name during sex...

He said it didn't mean anything... And I really don't think he's cheating on me. He said the name he called me isn't someone he knows in his life, or has had sex with. And that he doesn't know where it came from. But I'm really, really hurt and I don't know what to do. We've been together for a little over a year, and everything has been great, so I want to try and get through this, as long as it doesn't happen again. He wants to make it better, but neither of us know how. I can't see him or think of him without crying or feeling like I want to die. I feel so ashamed... What should I do? What should he do? Should I forgive him?
1 0

Most Helpful Guys

  • After reading all the responses, I don't think anyone really got to the heart of the issue. There are 3 reasons why anyone would call out another name, lets look at those and figure out which one by his reaction.

    1. Accident - had a total brain fart, was preoccupied with something random and made a sincere mistake. (most likely NOT what happened, but you can tell if he laughed sincerely at himself afterward instead of getting defensive and made a light joke of it.)

    2. Was fantasizing about someone he doesn't actually know - This could be a p*rn star, a famous person, a model, TV personality, whoever (If this is the case he would have been mildly defensive, but still light hearted about it until you reacted and it made him feel guilty about it - after which he was super apologetic.)

    3. Was thinking of someone else - an actual person. (this doesn't mean that he is necessarily cheating on you, just thinking of someone he does know. Most likely he was very defensive and after trying to dismiss it as nothing got physically angry if you questioned him further)



    Now then, what to do about it:

    if #1, let it go. By being upset over nothing you are showing him that you are not stable in your security in the relationship and that any little thing is going to be a big issue and cause problems. The more you dwell on it the more it's going to become a sticking point for other arguments and issues in your relationship and ultimately ruin any chances of being happy together - and all over a pointless suspicion.

    if #2, also let it go. Men fantasize. They all do it and they will ALL do it whether they tell you or not. There really is no harm in it as fantasies are just that. If he is the type to cheat on you, whether or not he thinks about it is irrelevant to actually doing it. Making him think it's not OK to fantasize is basically telling him you are too scared to let him be himself. Again it will be a rift in your relationship as he will start to build resentment towards you for trying to hold control over him. We each own our own minds and you can't tell someone what to think.

    if #3, accept it first. Sit down and imagine the worst. Most likely it's NOT the worst, but if you can accept the worst than anything else will be easier to deal with. Then confront him and find out. Don't bring it up in a fight, just talk to him calmly. You've already accepted the worst, so even if he admits he is cheating on you will be prepared for it and then you can just leave him once and for all. Otherwise it's probably an old ex-girlfriend or someone he works with or whatever - just tell him it's OK to be honest about it because you want to work it out and honesty is the only way for things to be settled between you. If you can get him to open up to you, then you can make your decision based on what he tells you. If you encourage his honesty and tell him you won't hate him for it than that is the only way to get the truth.

    This can be tricky and upsetting. good luck.

    • Great answer :)

    • Nice one brozah

    • Very good :)

  • Should I forgive him" Absolutely yes, without forgiving him, you can't even initiate friendly, openly, and honestly conversation about the incident. You tell him you forgive over this and understand that language is symbolic which means it means nothing unless we make meaning out of it, which is why you can't understand what foreigners who speak foreign languages say.

    Then you have to evaluate the situation by yourself. What are his behavior, is he abusive, doe she listen to you, does he love you, do you sense he has been ignore or disinterested in having sexy or has your relationship improving or failing a part. Who are his closest friends? Are they inspiring friendly educated people or they are club goers who do all sh*t things in the hood? Do you know his ex-girlfriends, where in the world are they living ( is important if they live in the same town, state, or country or else). Does he frequently say something about a ex-girlfriend, especially when you have a good time like Christmas, birthday party, reunion, surprises, vacation, or other happy times ( a sign he still loves and maintains relationship with ex-person)

    How did his previous relationships ended? Does he consider all or most of his ex-girlfriends "crazy, psycho, or demanding" ( which is a sign of being a player)? Does he take you to dinner and does he avoid going to local crowded clubs, restaurants and sit with you in local isolated area? Does he avoid or make you avoid your friends and become bit isolated from your world ( another sign of being a player).

    I think you know your man, and people make mistakes, relations are not always solid because there are ups and downs. However, the answers of the above questions can give a clear picture of your man.

    But make sure you don't attack him with argumentative questions when you confront him about the incident. It might create hardship between you because he will become defensive. Talk to him claimily, openly, lovely, about these things while you secret find the answers I listed above. You ask him a clear perception checking questions which means, you state what happen, you add what you felt or think and ask him to give clarifications of how and why these incidents happen? Thanks

Most Helpful Girls

  • OMG I feel so bad for you. I would be as hurt as you are, and to be honest I wouldn't be able to get passed it but than again I have never been in love so I don't know the decisions I would make based on love. So I guess getting passed it will depend o how much you care for and it seems like you do.

    But I would feel so inefficient to him and I believe when you are giving yourself away to a guy than he should appreciate and treasure that and only desire you during sex. So for him to say someone elses name would just ruin all of my beliefs--and I probably couldn't look past it--unless his explanation was convincing, realistic and I loved him that much---

    --but one thing is for sure-- I would be so deeply hurt and it would probably take a long time, a lot of patience and will on his behalf to help me get over in der to ever be physical with him again.

    I know this was 12 days ago by now--but how you feeling about it now if you don't mind me asking?

  • I think you should call him another name next time, as a joke, and see how easy it is to do that. I know you weren't trying to be kinky or anything, but sometimes its fun to call your man another man's name. Just because. it's interesting. try to flip the situation into something else, and lighten up. it's not the end of the world, and it's not like you had a bag on your head, he was still looking right at you, and loving on you! No big deal girl

  • things like this happen all the time and sometimes people can get over this by choosing a name they would wish to be called during sex! it sounds strange and some people ARENT into it but its simple and no ones getting hurt! you choose a sexy name for him as he does for you role play with it! And if you honestly believe he isn't hurting you than you should forgive him it will be easier to put your heart at ease!

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What Girls & Guys Said

30 29

  • Get up and get on with your life; a word can have multiple meanings or a single meaning; but it always has one purpose, the purpose of that single word is only the purpose you give it.

    If someone told your mother: "You are very sweet, thank you" - You'd probably think highly of them... On the contrary, if someone told your mother: "You stupid _____ ____ B!@#$! Go ____ yourself!" .. You'd probably think lowly of that person.

    Words are meaningless. If you want to forgive him, do so; if you don't want to forgive him, that's okay too. LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT.

    Most people may agree with me, or be against me, but a word (or a name) should not be enough to break a relationship. I completely agree with you QA about being upset about it, or downright furious would be a better word ;)

    But in the end of the day, who are we really kidding? You're crying because you care about him. If you didn't care about him, and he said the same thing, you wouldn't be crying. The only reason it hurts is because he means a lot to you and you probably didn't expect him doing that.

    So what'll it be? Toss in the towel? Or buckle up and hang on for the rough and bumpy ride ahead?

    Seek your happiness, and live your life.

    ~ ArtistBBoy

    • My man artistbboy never fails with his opinions and advice....word to the wise but um I really only thought sh*t like this happened in movies LOL...i don't mean to laugh at this situation but holy crap I've never heard of this happeneing

  • It has happened to the best of us!

    p.s Although, tell your man that he's lying about just blurting out a name of someone he doesn't even know or never heard before. It's normal and healthy to fantasize, don't worry it's cool (unless the same name is blurted out again) Ty-lady!

  • Do you trust him?

    Is he honest and open with you?

    Does he SHOW you he loves you?

    Look...this is a tough thing to deal with...until you quit looking at what happened, and look at him. Is he some guy you love or prince charming?

    If he's the one you want forgiving is the easy part. the hard part is letting it go.

  • I've almost called out the wrong name.

    Not because I was cheating or anything like that.

    For whatever reason, I was thinking of one of my friends and luckily, I was able to completely change the name into "God".

    It's not that big a deal. It's just a name.

  • Thats a tough one. I can guarantee its either an ex or a girl he used to like. Nobody calls out a strangers name. I would hope for your sake he's not cheating but you need to do some research if he's gonna tell you a lie that obvious. Accidently calling out an Exes name is bad enough

  • It happens. There are no accidents. Should you break up over it? Depends on who this person is. You have to ask him to be honest with you. If he is honest with you, you need to maintain your composure and not be upset with him if you don't like the answer. Getting upset is a sure way to eliminate honesty in the future.

    Sex is easy. It's all the emotional BS that comes with it that causes problems. If his explanation is satisfactory to you, then you will need to get over it. If it is not satisfactory, well, then you know what you need to do.

  • Hey accidents happen. Personally, I d laugh about it and call him an 'a-hole'. Then start joking about it.

  • you were together for more than a year and he gave you an unreasonable reasoning. How can he ever forget your name...

  • Well, if there is no suspension of him cheating on you, I would say let it go. After a year he may be getting board of everyday sex. That leads to men fantasizing about something that excite them. Next time you are intimate with him, surprise him with some sexy underwear or do something that does not happen often. Try to take his word for it, but keep an eye out for anything that might prove he is not telling you the truth.

  • that would p*ss me off for at least oh 2 weeks. at least 2 weeks. then depending on how he treats me and if he tries to be decent or if he really is a cheater, I'd dump him.

  • How close is your name to the other name? Sometimes people do make mistakes like that. Even if the names aren't close some people do it... Although I've never called out another persons name in bed as I think I'd be very careful to get it right. I don't think about other girls during sex, but I don't think about anything in particular... I don't really concentrate on her either (as bad as it sounds) but I think about her every other time, during sex I think of pointless things like planning my day or what I'm going to make for dinner. It's probably just for self control, I'd be screwed if someone asked me a question during sex that didn't involve my daily plans. lmao

  • if you really believe you can work it out. do it. you can get around it just watch him though.

    otherwise its a beter idea to just pick up your stuff and split. I would have dropped everything when I get called bubba instead of paul, paulie or batman!

    girl one time called me Terrance while I was still inside of her! I just picked up my sh*t and left.

  • This is what you do... have sex with him and call him someone elses name, there your even!

  • If you love him then you'll find a way to get through it. It was a probably just a mistake and he didn't mean anything by it. It always helps to talk about it though. Sit down with him, talk about the problem and find a solution.

  • Hahahaha, sorry it's just that to an outsider this is a hilarious situation. If you don't think he's cheating then that's that, it was an accident. A very serious accident in a moment of passion, which makes this funnier. Lol but all and all I think you'll get over it. Sometimes everyone screws up so I think you should forgive him :) As for what he should do, I think he should practice saying your name for a little bit lmao

  • Well, here's the thing...

    While you may forgive, you probably won't forget this.

    Every time he makes a mistake, you'll be reminded of this and it will hurt you all over again.

    Even if he's not cheating, you'll probably feel suspicious from now on and there's a good chance you won't be getting over this in the near future.

  • OK, this happens... it has happened to me... it is usually because you are doing something that reminds him of another lover.

    There are two ways you can respond:

    1. Start Raging at him like "WHO THE FLI C K is (Fill in name here).

    2. Say, wow, (fill in name here) must have done really special things in bed with you, what did she do?

    Yeah he'll be embarrassed, but you'll open a door to communication in Bed that will change your life and relationship FOREVER!

    Oh yes, no, I'm not Naive... it can, in a very small number of cases, mean he's cheating, but that will become obvious over time.

    Good luck,

    Joe

  • When in doubt, don't over think it.

  • yeah I'm pretty sure it was a brain fart. :) dude I called my ex boyfriend derick. lol I don't know anyone named derick. it just came out.. I'm pretty sure it was nothingg like he says. but it sucks having those it creates a huuuuuge fight. but oh well... trust me it was just one of those stupid moments that people have sometimes :) don't worry. :)

    • Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmoooooooooooooooooo

    • You calling me emo?

  • I don't know what makes people do this or why he said it, but worst case scenario, there's another girl he has come across that he's attracted to, which is not to say he would choose her over you for any reason.

    You've likely met someone else over the course of your relationship where you felt the same for him. Consider how you still feel about your boyfriend, how you can be attracted to another guy and still care for/prefer to be with your current boyfriend. If you can do that, accept it not as a threat but as something that just happens, and do what you can to maintain his interest if you're not already.

    I know it can hurt, but you have to remember how you've felt towards other guys, and not beat him up for feeling the same way, or yourself for that matter.

    • Bascially, it's not something you HAVE To be concerned about. Some reassuring words from him might help though. But if you can't believe them, then you need to make up your mind. Relationships are about happiness, not drama, and don't beat yourself up either way.

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