How can I teach my husband to be rougher in bed?

I'm 25 and married.. My husband and I have been together for 6 years and we have a great marriage! I'm very attracted to him, but sex with him is just not doing it for me. He's very attentive and gentle during sex, but I would like for him to be more aggressive and like calls me names, talk dirty to me, pin me down and have his way with me. I'm very much a control freak, so the idea of being completely dominated in bed really turns me on! I've always felt this way, but as my life gets bigger and more hectic, and I have more responsibilities, I find myself wanting this more and more. we've talked about it in the past, and I've told him what I want him to do to me, to which he says: "we'll have to try it." but then when it comes down to it, he just pulls out all the same moves and I'm left confused and frustrated. During sex, I've asked him to slap my ass, pull my hair pinch my nipples, etc, and he will (sorta light and soft though) but ONLY when I tell him to. When I talk dirty to him he only replies with sweet lovey dovey remarks, its so frustrating! I once bought an issue of Maxim Magazine that had an article about primal sex, where they were talking about how a lot of women like rough sex, and I flagged the page with a sticky note and left it on the coffee table. He found it and asked why I was reading it and I told him I think it sounds like a lot of fun. I figured he'd get the hint, but still nothing. I also tried taking dirty pics of myself and sending them to him at work with a description of what I wanted him to do to me ( which was so graphic) but instead I come home to candles and flowers and a massage?! Once I told him that my biggest fantasy was to come home and be thrown up against the wall and raped hard and forced to do whatever he wanted me to( No I have never been sexually abused nor did I have a traumatic childhood, its just the idea of being totally helpless that turns me on!) and asked what his fantasy was, and that whatever it was I would do it for him, but he says he doesent have any? I'm at my wits end with this, and I spend most nights masturbating to p*rn and faking a headache. What can I do to teach him that this is what I need to be satisfied sexually? Maybe he thinks I'm a freak, I don't know, but I love him and trust him and don't think I should be ashamed of my sexual identity. Helpp!


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  • Sorry this post is very long so I had to split it into 2 posts. But I totally understand what you are going through. I am the one who had a history of being more into bondage and my partner now is very much into romantic sex. So there are things I learned that I hope can help with some of the frustration.

    First off, I had to learn that his sexual desires aren't bad, just like mine aren't. At first I felt frustrated with the difference in our desires but I realized that I was demeaning his desires. I wanted to be accepted as more adventurous but I wasn't accepting him as being more loving. I felt like a freak so I made him feel like a pussy. I wasn't doing it on purpose but my disappointment was clear. So I had to get to a place of realizing that his desires are just as much a part of who he is as mine are to me. When I did that, I saw the beauty in the candles, massages, and music. I saw how much love was put into it and I was able to be satisfied with his way of expressing himself. It took a while but I slowly began to see the heart behind it. The more I accepted and loved his form of sex, the more he opened up to my desires. I have a hard time believing any man doesn't have some fantasies like your husband said. He may just feel very hesitant to share them if he knows that you might turn your nose up to more romantic fantasies. He has deep desires just like you. And even if they don't appeal to you, they are still very precious to him.

    Second, I had to accept, no matter how much we can pretend there isn't a degrading element to things like being slapped in sex, there is to many people. You can see why a husband who wants to show his wife how much he loves her would have a hard time slapping her across the face when all he sees is that he is no better than a man who would slap a woman for dropping a plate. You need to show him that one of the biggest reasons people like bondage is also the feelings it gives a man that he is truly a man and gives a woman that she is truly a woman. The sexual high of completely trusting a man with your body is a huge part of the draw. That's what it's important to show him. I realized the reason my partner didn't want to do any of really intense things to me was because of his love for me, not cause of some timidness in him because he is not a timid man. I realized he wanted to protect me even if I was asking for the opposite. He won't let anyone hurt me, not even him if I ask him too. And that is very sexy to me. He is very protective of me sexual and that is very much the same feelings that come in rough sex, even if there isn't always rough sex. I actually find myself craving gentle sex more and more because I get those intense feelings in the way he does it. Those feelings of simulating rape or domination can be found without it, to an even higher degree. It does get to a point where they kind of feel like faking the real thing.