Why am I doable and not datable?

[definitelynot]

So... I find myself attracted to a guy, we have great sex (maybe too soon?) and then off they go into the wild abyss of putting me in the "f-buddy" zone. What am I doing wrong? Can't you really find yourself in a relationship with someone who is just as kinky as you? This has happened a lot in the past year. I was in a relationship for over 5 years and now it's like I want to be single, too but I end up hoping for something more... After sex?

[Anonymous]

If you want to date, you have to make that a priority unto itself. As you've found out, just having sex isn't going to guarantee you dates.

Start by realizing that the guys you're screwing are not dateable. They may be good for a one-night stand, but they're not worth much more than that. Or maybe in the strictest theoretical sense they are dateable, in the sense that there are some cases where they would put out more for a woman if they thought it was to their advantage, but ultimately they're not gentlemen and they don't really care about much besides sex. They're selfish. They're getting free sex from you, so they don't see the need to give anything in return.

Second, you need to more clearly define what you're looking for, so we can figure out what kind of guys you should be going for.

It sounds like you want to stay single, but you're looking for some casual romances...like a fling...do I have that correct? The next question I have for you is if you're willing to be monogamous...at least, sexually? If not, that severely reduces the bachelor pool. There aren't many guys who are willing to put their emotions on the line without caring who you're sleeping with.

And keep in mind that even with the monogamy restriction, your numbers are limited...you'll find plenty of guys who are only looking for sex, and you'll also find plenty guys who are looking for a serious relationship.

But what you're less likely to encounter are guys who are looking for the feelings of a relationship without any sign of commitment. I mean, it happens...we get ourselves in these situations without realizing it. But most guys I know try to avoid that, because we have to spend emotional energy on being romantic and we don't like doing that when we know it's all for something that won't last. We don't want to risk falling for you, and then you're not there tomorrow!

It's important to realize that you're not the only one who has to give up anything. A lot of girls don't realize this, because sex is indeed cheaper for a guy than it is for a girl. A guy can have sex with little to no emotional attachment, so he spends very little on it. No matter how kinky you are, you probably still spend more than a lot of guys do when having sex. However...where the guy ends up spending more is on anything that involves an actual relationship.

So you have to convince guys to spends that on you. It's not so much that sex is a bad thing...it's that you're focusing too much on the sex.

[Littletad]

If you are having sex too early and having fun, obviously that's what all men will see you as... Fun. Simply put, if you are letting everything out in the open so early, then what else is there to know or learn? Guys will see you as easy if you live a vicarious and sexual lifestyle.

I'm not asking you to enclose your personality, I'm simply saying that you need to go through the dating process a certain way. Let a man learn about you, get to know, and then let everything else find it's way. But if you only show one side, then that's all they will see.

[Simple-Simonette]

You're hoping for more after sex - there is your problem right there. You want the emotional intimacy after giving into the physical intimacy. You could be putting off the "I don't want a relationship" vibe until you get him in bed and then change your mind. It's confusing and misleading.

A guy is going to invest as much as you do in a relationship, whether it be physical or emotional, and if you begin with one and end up wanting another - he's not going to really understand that. You want one thing, he is okay with it and goes along - then it changes and he's not prepared.

You need to figure out what you really want before getting into situations that can lead to something else. Be firm about your expectations and the guy will have an idea of what he's investing in. Right now, you sound kind of wishy-washy. If you're unsure - hold off on any type of relationship until you figure it out.

Good luck.

[WaitingAtTheDoor]

It's funny.

See, guys get put in the "friend" zone by girls.

So I think what needs to happen, is guys need to stop blowing girls off as soon as they have sex with them, and girls need to quit trying to make friends.

Yep, that sounds correct!

[Mesonfielde]

Why are you willing to have sex with people who you are not in a relationship with?

[bornloser]

you're definitely messing with dudes who don't take you seriously as a person. you could probably do better with guys who don't have the player mentality of findum,f***um & flee.

[shurikenz]

Probably too soon :P

Get to know the guy, flirt with him. But let him know he's gotta work for it. Also, this has an added bonus of weeding out the douchebags that are only looking for one a one night stand (If I just wanted a quick, fun, lay, I probably wouldn't bother with 3 dates :P)

[Anonymous]

You sound confused you want to be single and you want something more

[Anonymous]

Are you having sex with every guy you meet on the first date, or are you having fun with some and putting others on the back burner? Like Simp said you are probably sending out really mixed signals.