What does it mean when a guy says he's "not in the mood" to have sex?

Simply, my husband seems to lack a sex life now. He'd rather jerk off while I'm home and lie about it. Then this evening I mentioned sex, and he said he was "not in the mood" :( is something wrong with me. I want him to crave me!


Most Helpful Guy

  • Time will tell, for one. If tonight it is "not in the mood", tomorrow it is "too tired", then next week is "troubling issues at work", ... and the same reasons keep being recycled for months, it definitely is a red flag. Don't assume he is having an affair automatically though. At times, after giving birth to a child, some husbands (now father) have problems treating their wife as 100% wife, because she is a mother too. And this new role --- mother, reminds him of HIS mother. i.e. role confusion. Granted, you may be rolling on the ground with laughters upon hearing something as "ridiculous as this". But you aren't him!

    Have an honest discussion with him. Trust you gut feelings, the "I just knew it" kind, most important of all.


What Guys Said 4

  • He's probably tired.

  • Most guys get this way, I mean you should still have sex sometimes but a man has to jerk off

  • Im a sex crazed guy, LOVE sex and think about it all the time.

    However, my ex wife never initiated sex and saw sex as a chore and would cave and "let" me have sex with her. That's a HUGE turn off... Mix that with the fact that I didn't find her attractive in the slightest anymore. Masturbating was much more enjoyable and less of a hassle.


What Girls Said 3

  • I doubt anything is wrong with you! He obviously married you for a reason (:

    The best thing to do would be to try to discuss this with him. Try "I really want to go down on you, but want to make sure it's amazing for you. Feel free to give me directions!" or look up some new sexual positions and suggest that you try them, like "Babe, I really wanted to try *this* - it looks awesome!" This way, you're bringing it up in a fun and sexy way. Who could not want to get it on at that point?

    I'm not married so I can't say from personal experience, but from what I've heard from friends, sometimes the spark starts to dim and you have to invent new ways to get it burning at max potential.

    You mentioned that he'd rather "jerk off and lie about it" -- did you catch him doing this and discuss it with him? Maybe he said he wasn't in the mood to have sex with you for scolding him for masturbating? If he's lying to you, I suggest doing something to work on your communication. Not an easy task, but once you two are more comfortable discussing things, he'll 1.) Have no reason to lie and 2.) Open up about what the true reason for him not wanting to have sex is because only he knows for sure.

    On the other hand, he could simply be stressed out by other things.

    Personally, when I'm in "raging b*tch" mode, I tell my man that I'm not in the mood. He understands that this is because I feel like if I can't focus all of my attention on 'the act' (if I'm caught up thinking about school, work, bills, etc.), I'd rather not do it at all. Maybe he feels the same?

    Many other factors come into play -- age, the amount of sleep he's getting, the mood he was in when you brought up sex...

    I wish you the best of luck! Keep us updated (:

  • That happens to couples who are together for a while I think. Maybe do something new and exciting.

    Change your look, dye your hair, change your makeup, get something really out there for you

  • The best thing you could do is talk to him. I would suggest going to a walk together as it clears your heads and tones down "confrontation" to be involved in an activity together. Tell him calmly how you feel and ask what he is thinking. I would imagine it could be outside stress (work, etc.). Unless you've gained a hundred pounds or something.

    • Oh no, I've actually lost 60 pounds! From having kids. So weight isn't a problem...

    • I was kind of joking, actually I feel mean now, what if you HAD gained a hundred pounds?

      But really, I think that we are led to think men are sex-crazed all the time, but really sometimes other factors can affect their level of desire. However, if it is becoming frequent, it's really something you guys need to talk about. You WON'T find the answer on this website! Only your husband can tell you what's going on.