My past sex life is ruining my current relationship...

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend can't seem to get over the fact that I slept with this one guy in particular before we began dating. He knew I was with this guy before our current relationship began. But, he can't let go of it. He says he wishes that he didn't "personally know" anyone that I had been with. In fact, he wishes I was a virgin and that he could have been the one and only to have me sexually. He had slept with other girls prior to me. I try to explain that no one has ever really "had me" the way that he does, that our sex is passionate and meaningful, fun and exciting, and that before him, I just thought sex was part of the deal. Now I feel that it's much more. I tell him that he's the only guy I see in my future. But, he still dwells on this issue. I told him that if he wants a perfect little virgin, then he needs to find one, because I'll never be that girl at this point. But he says he "doesn't want that now, he just wishes I hadn't slept with so&so". He's just so hung up on it. How can I get him to let it go? I've tried telling him everything I can think of to reassure him that he has my heart, and that I regret being with that guy and wish I could undo it. I'm starting to think that counseling would be the only option, and he has even admitted to considering the idea. Is there any hope for us? What more can I possibly do? Please help, we truly do love each other, and it would be awful to let my past ruin our future...

[amameninas]

It's simple. Jealousy is a powerful thing and usually fatal to relationships. So long as he obsesses on this, your relationship will always be uneven. He places you, metaphorically, into the position of of your being perfect except having one leg (but he wants two). It is not a thing you can fix and will always be a thing which will cause you to come up short with him. It is not your past ruining your future. It is his immaturity and incapacity to accept that everyone has a past and that it is the present and future that are important to your relationship.

I say that you should totally suspend your relationship lovingly and explain to him that you want him back when he can accept the truth unconditionally and without another word, ever, about it. Tell him it is OK for him to have sex with some random "so and so" to get this jealousy out of his system and then come back to never discuss "so and so's" again.

[jacquesvol]

I'd suppose it was more the kind of guy you slept with than the fact you had sex with a guy.

I once stopped mailing a really good girl because she had started something with a bad boy.
(she was just a good friend but way younger than me, nothing sexual between us and no intention in that direction on either side as far as I know, we never met IRL)

I knew she wouldn't listen if I told her he was a 'bad guy' , thus I just disappeared from sight , without saying why. I left my mail address of course.
(She's intelligent enough to guess why)

IDK what happened since, how she fared.
I really do care, but I don't know how to ask.
I'm waiting for her signal.
In vain, probably. That's life.

[Anonymous]

You had a life before him and he had one before you. That's just how it is. If he can't get past that, then move on. He'll forever dwell on it and make you miserable and guilty about it, which is completely unfair to you. It's your call hun. Love is about forgiveness and letting go of the past. He doesn't seem to do that for you.

[Asker]

I agree, but I can honestly tell that he is sincerely *trying* to let it go. He is just struggling with it a lot more than necessary and it only comes up from time to time. But I know it's always simmering under the surface... I'm trying to be patient, and I don't want to give up on overcoming something so trivial, I know there's something that can be done, I just need to figure out what.

[Opinion Owner]

Sometimes, when a man is mentally set on something, it's hard to convince them of anything else. He sounds set on disliking the guy you slept with previously to your relationship and it might be hard to convince him otherwise. I hope you're able to, to save your relationship, but be warned, sometimes its best to just walk away and save yourself from being heartbroken from a situation/mindset that won't change.

[13seth]

I think you two should definitely go to counseling. He has to learn to accept you and completely love you for who you are, including all faults and learning experiences. If he stays resentful over the past it makes you feel bad or wrong and that is not how you should make your partner feel, they should feel loved unconditionally, otherwise it is a selfish love, for himself not for you. If he is willing to go to counseling, it would be great for him to get the counselors perception of the issue so he can stop blaming you and work on it in himself, where the real issue lies.

[Jonny_]

Pfft he needs to get over himself, it's so arrogant that this at all affects him. What were you supposed to do, realize you'd be dating someone who knows one of your previous partners and not do anything? I suppose he doesn't give a second thought to who he has slept with and wether that bothers you...

[jacquesvol]

reported 'wrong category'