Sex and dating with a Christian guy...Any experiences?

[Anonymous]

So, I'll start off by saying that I'm completely atheist. Not agnostic, not questioning, not open - atheist. I prefer to date other atheists or agnostics but I end up here dating a Christian. Life is funny that way. We've been together for a little over 2 years and sex has always been a major issue in our relationship. I'm a very sexual person, I expect sex in a relationship. My boyfriend apparently was more sexual in high school and the beginning of college, but then decided he wanted to "reform his life" and stop having sex until he gets married. Then he met me, and those plans kind of slipped away. I think that's the problem dating someone with different morals. Both of us saw relationships two different ways. For a while all we did was heavy petting and that made me frustrated. At least I could masturbate on my own. He was on some crazy quest for religious purity and was actually trying to cut masturbation out of his life. We moved in together a few months after we got together, to save money on housing at school and get residency in our city. This made it harder for him. I have the kind of curvy body that he finds attractive and I guess sleeping with me, watching me walk around in lingerie or things like that didn't help with temptation. I was always pushing boundaries with him. I told him that when we are making out and dry humping basically (which I'm pretty sure doesn't count as being pure but whatever lol) if I start moving toward oral sex or actual sex, just tell me to stop and I will, but if you change your mind, then that's great too. Eventually he gave in, and he is surprisingly amazing in bed. We experiment with different positions, use toys, do oral, roleplay, etc. Although, I feel a little guilty for the simple fact that he sometimes feels guilty about his decision to be in a sexual relationship. I think his parents make him feel worse about it. He doesn't go to them and explain everything we are doing, but they aren't stupid and they put two and two together. They also hate me. When I went to their house for dinner, after a heated debate on religion, his mother called me a "satanic, sinful harlot." it was pretty hilarious. I don't care much about his family, but I want him to be happy. He's always happy until he goes to his religion. After he comes from church or reading the Bible, he's always at an emotional low because he feels guilty about everything. I don't know how to deal with that. I tell him don't worry, nobodys perfect (even though I don't think christian morals are perfect at all), and that its natural to want and have sex, etc. He still always has that darkness hovering over him, telling him he's a bad person all because of sex. I'm reaching the end of my rope here.There's only so much of this nonsense I can take. I don't like seeing people I care about unhappy, and maybe breaking up will free him of this feeling. :( Anyway what do you all think about this and have you ever experienced anything like this before?

[Bexiie]

I've been in abit of a similar situation but I'm agnostic as I find being an atheist is a rather blinkered view on life. I found it hard as his family were very strong protestant and I made the mistake whilst around there for dinner saying that protestant is basically an easy form of being catholic. I wasn't welcome for dinner after that strangely...

If he truly loves you yet want's to stay true to his faith you should respect that. You shouldn't pressure him, you should have realized what you were taking on and in the Christian religion family is a big deal so you should care about his family as that will help with his emotions if he thinks you cares. He is just going through the hard choice of you or his family and faith because you are not making it possible for him to choose both at the moment.

I hope you don't take this as me accusing you for your partner's emotion state but as some advice.. hopefully...

Beki x

[smallz660]

Wow that's a tough situation. I've never been through something like that before. I think that if it was me, I would try to reason with them even though it probably wouldn't work. Why would they want to be a part of a religion that constantly makes them feel bad about themselves? Clearly the only reason that he is a christian is because he was brought up that way. His true morals differ from the morals he was brought up with. However, reasoning with very religious people simply doesn't work because their religion is based on blind faith, which by definition is the belief in something without a reason.

[Asker]

I know! reason doesn't work unfortunately.

[funkadelic5]

No. That is where your understanding of anything relating to religion comes short. There is a large majority of bumbling idiots who take things on blind faith and never use their own brain. There is a minority that does no such thing. Funny thing is... atheists do the same.

[smallz660]

Well clearly, this guy is basing his religion off of others' morals instead of his own. He wants to have sex. He likes sex. The only "reason" he believes it is wrong is because it was how he was brought up. If I am wrong and there is some reason other than "god says not to" or "my mom doesn't like it" then forgive me, but that's what I get from the question. Oh and for the record I'm not an atheist so I don't really care what you think about them.

[ThirtyThree]

Okay, first of all, you are being extremely close minded and wrong if you think god does not exist ;) you are entitled to your own individuality, but atheism is just as blind a standpoint as someone at the other extreme, a fanatical believer.

This said...

Second thing. Make him relent. It's equally ignorant to deny yourself or your partner sex, bodies were designed for it! Explain this to him.

[Asker]

haha okay. that sounds contradictory but if you believe in god, go for it. its b.s. to me.

[ThirtyThree]

Not contradictory at all. You just need to give it deeper consideration before you assume things :)

[RabidRabbit]

To spell it out, his point is that both creationism and evolution (or what ever other system you may believe) are theories, in effect belief systems. Either or both can be wrong. The point behind science it that you are meant to keep testing, but it is pretty much impossible to absolutely prove a truth, merely a probability.

[Asker]

I find the idea that creationism is equivalent to evolution and science to be insane. One cannot be tested or proven at all, and exists purely on blind faith and stories, while the other is being studied everyday and uses material evidence and intellectual theory. Its absurd to even categorize them similarly. One is purely belief, the other is belief based on material evidence, science, logic, etc. We all have our own beliefs though.

[TonyMetal25]

I think that you love this christian man and your insisting on being with him, that's odd for an atheist, are you feeling something wrong from the inside...besides tell your boyfriend, the the devil is trying him, he better not loose his faith...especially tell him that his mother is right about what she said...and this is why your just staying with him cause he ain't changing or cause something inside of you wants to change...

[Asker]

lol yeah right.

[straightdope]

If his family and religion are telling him he's bad for being with you eventually he will have to choose one life or the other and he'll always be miserable. You should break it off and hope he realizes religion is bullsh*t someday or either you could marry him but then you'll have to deal with his crazy family for life.

[Asker]

yeah it sucks when you know its going to boil down to that no matter what. its hard to do what needs to be done in situations like this. :(

[LackusDeltacus]

If he's had sex and then went all "marriage" on you, he probably values waiting even less than you.

[KaDooKan]

sounds like you are close minded, have you already trained your boyfriend? close minded women demand to wear the pants

your relationship is doomed long term