Why does porn hurt women so much?

[ilovelovelove]

Disclaimer: I'm not gonna generalize. I know some women don't get hurt by, and some actually enjoy, porn. Just as there are some guys who have no interest in it. Now, on to the question. We all know guys are hard wired to like porn and naked girls. It's their nature, and they can't help but enjoy it. But then, why do women get hurt by it? I know I do, and it's not something I "learnt" or was "conditioned". It's just something that came spontaneously. And as much as I understand why guys do it, how they compartmentalize, how it doesn't change their attraction to us, etc, it still hurts a lot. As much as I try to get over it, as much as I try to ignore it and be cool, as much as I try to convince myself it's my problem and that I have to solve it, it still freaking hurts. Even if I'm fully aware that I have the ability to stop it - the hurt - I still can't. Why? Why does it hurt so much? Why does it affect so many women like this? Who was the cruel creature that lay this curse upon us? I hate being hurt by something so unsubstantial. But I CAN'T help it! Why? I suffer each time I see a naked or partially naked woman. I just can't enjoy it. And to make matters worse, my partner knows about this hurt, this insecurity. I didn't want him to know, because, you know what they say about insecurity being unattractive, and also because while he is being respectful, he now thinks he has to stop it. I never asked him to, and certainly I don't think that's the solution. But he says if it hurts me he'll stop, and yes, I'm glad to have such a considerate man but I feel selfish that he's stopping because of this. I feel like I'm taking away a toy from a little kid, like forbidding candy, taking away a treat. That's not the girlfriend I want to be! And I don't want him to change his habits for me. But I still hate society's emphasis on looks. I feel ugly all the time. It's just you know, I'd be ok with it if it showed real people. I know there's amateur, but it's quite underrated. And guys always say they prefer natural beauty, if so, why do all the ads, magazines and movies show plastic, fake women, that guys drool over? And don't talk about fashion models, because honestly, they don't make me feel insecure or ugly, porn stars and glamous models do. Help me! I want to stop hurting, but I feel ugly all the time, plus the thing with my boyfriend makes me feel even more pathetic and embarrassed =(

[melissarose8585]

I think a lot of your issue with porn stems from the fact that you are very self-conscious, especially about your looks. Many porn stars are the epitome of what we're told men want; they're usually (key word there!) beautiful, buxom, skiiny, ready to esperiment, ready for a man's pleasure at all times, etc. We can't live up to that, and I think you compare yourself to it just a bit.

Also, for many women, it is comparable to cheating. When someone watches porn they are getting sexually aroused, enjoying the scene even if they aren't attracted to the people on the screen. Some women see it as a form of cheating. They think the guy would rather be with the girl on the screen, or that the fantasies of her will takeover his mind in their sex life, or that he is comparing them to the porn star. It all really goes back to insecurity. It is the basis of the dislike of porn and strippers, etc. and without curing it you can't help the problem.

All women suffer from insecurity. Even supermodels. No one can live up to the perfect female image we see blasted by the media everyday. No, not even Kate Moss. It only becomes an issue when we let it take over and control parts of our lives. I'm insecure, too, but I try to work through it by remembering that he is with ME, for some reason. He loves me. He cares for me. He's seen me naked and apparently finds me attractive. I might not like what I see in the mirror because of what I compare myself to, but he likes what he sees.

And guys think differently. They don't compare us to porn stars. Most guys are smart enough to know that most women don't look like models or Jenna Jamison. They don't expect you to. Porn is merely a fantasy, something to see and enjoy, the same way I enjoy a good picture of Brad Pitt.

Can I suggest something? Stop worrying. I know it's hard, but try. Then, sit down and watch one with your guy. Make it more about you two sharing an arousing experience and using it as foreplay. Try not to hide from it. If it becomes something you watch together instead of something he has to hide from you, it will de-stress the situation a little. And you might just like it. It can be fun, and you can use it to get yourselves heated up.

[ilovelovelove]

Yeah, I know, but for one, I don't like it, it doesn't turn me on. And two, the whole idea of him watching porn is that he gets relieved when I'm not around. He deserves his own time, and I don't care if he hides it. It's just the fact that I get insecure, because while he thinks I'm attractive he tells me they're fantasy and that they're perfect physically, and that I'm not, but he doesn't care because I'm attractive anyway. But it hurts that he thinks they're perfect.

[melissarose8585]

Well, if he thinks they're perfect, he's a little skewed. Most porn stars definitely don't look like that. As a matter of fact, I've seen some, well, ugly pornt stars. I think that whole "perfect" thing would bother me as well!

[livewire73]

Feel lucky you have a guy who would stop because it hurts you. First assess and analyze just what about porn hurts you so much? Does he ignore you if he watches it? Does he prefer porn to you? Can he NOT get aroused unless he's watching porn? I can speak from experience the reasons I was hurt was because my husband prefers it to me. He cannot get excited unless he's been watching porn. I spent many years taking a backseat to it and getting my self esteem crushed, especially because he had a friend that he grew up with (a girl) who became a porn star. He became obsessed with her movies and would get up in the middle of the night to masturbate to her films while I was (so he thought) asleep. Now THAT is hurt. That was a crushing blow to my ego and gave me huge insecurities that I NEVER had before. But if YOU have someone who is willing to put it to the side for you then dig deep to find out just what about it bothers you. Are you religious and feel it has no place in the relationship? Are you concerned that he would compare you to them? Once you find out just what it is about porn that bothers you then you can learn to deal with it and perhaps enjoy the excitement it can sometimes bring. AS for me, I can't find it anymore simply because it's been an interference in my marriage. I love my husband but have now come to understand that he is just an addict and nothing I do will ever measure up but it's NOT ME it's him.

[Masheu46]

Thank you so much for posting this. I have come to the same problem. I didn't bother me before but I find myself struggling with this situation more and more. I had dated this guy for a while, I would dress up in sexy things and surprise him. I consider myself attractive, I'm thin some how I have large breast..but when I received the cable bill there were like 4 p*rns purchased. It really lowered my sexual value. We ended up breaking up over other things and p*rn was still okay. But now that my boyfriend and I are amazing close it really hurt I recently came across this: link

It really helped me identify WHAT it was about p*rn that made me hurt. My boyfriend now is amazing but I recently found him watching p*rn and instantly felt crushed. He had watched it before but I wasn't home and he even told me, I wasn't mad but this time I was home. At first I was furious with him, then myself. Why did I get so upset and hurt? For that moment I put down my walls and admitted to myself that I was hurt by it, instead of trying to suck it up like it didn't bother me. I still have yet to figure out WHY. But thankfully you and I don't have p*rn addicted boyfriends and we can put a stop to it until we figure ourselves out int he meantime. :)

Good luck, Thank you again for posting this question. It's exactly how I was feeling.

[SignMeUp]

Quite a deep question right there, why does porn hurt women so much?

Ye, I don't have a lot of knowledge about psychology so I'll try and use some logic from a guy's perspective.

You seem to get hurt whenever you see a (pretty) naked or partially naked woman, are you:

1 Jealous?

2 Insecure about your own looks?

3 Insecure about your relation?

Forget all that, you have a boyfriend who is even willing stop watching porn.

YOU are his girlfriend, YOU are the most attractive girl on the planet for him.

You ARE NOT ugly, you have a nice guy!

If he watches porn, it doesn't mean he thinks they are hotter than you, its in the human nature to masturbate (Thats what you would probably do while watching porn as a guy :P).

Ever heard of those bonobo monkeys (primates), they masturbate all the time :)

Okay. to get back on the subject, don't worry, guys only watch porn because they need something visual.

Guys do it whether they have a girlfriend or not.

You really have to change the way you think, you aren't ugly, you are his girl and that says enough.

If you keep having those problems, try and get some (professional) help.

No one here can change the way you think, YOU have to do it.

And professional help can help you realise that, so don't misinterprete that professional help thing :)

[kazekansen]

Your value is in question from an earlier time in your life. The most coveted validation is from a spouse and if you must share your attention with anything then it's difficult for you to experience your personal value. Instead of being worth a man, you are probably experiencing being chopped down to being worth only a portion of a man, the portion that porn can't have of him. You should invest in yourself, your career and travel goals, developing those skills, those piano lessons. Get in touch with your value. The only deal with men that don't have problems with porn. These are the choices you have. Don't try to fit a square peg into a round hole.

[HUBADanceR]

I think the problem here is that your boyfriend is actually saying that he believes these women are perfect and that you're not but he's fine with that (he'll settle for what he can get?) I understand that would hurt immensely. To be honest, I wouldn't want to be with a guy that would even say something like that.

Really though, don't always feel like you're imposing on his life. If he wants to be with you, and he cares enough to stop watching porn, don't feel bad about it! A lot of women don't want their partners getting off on other women, and they have a right to. He may not be physically touching other women, but if he's looking at them instead of you and touching himself, that can be a problem in itself.

[oxymoronica]

i feel weird writing a response to this because I really don't have an answer for you. I just read your question and it amazed me how much your situation is like mine. even down to the point where my boyfriend offered to stop, etc. wow. I still haven't found the solution though. it kills me every time I see anything pornographic, and I just can't get past that either. it's been years. I've been through hell, trying to make myself watch it to desensitize myself. finally I gave that up because it wasn't helping. one day, I accepted my boyfriend's offer to stop, but I caught him lying about it. I've still not gotten over that. it's like these perfect women have such a hold over him that not even his girlfriend, the one who is there for him day after day, is worth it to him to stop. I really wish I could help you. if you find out the secret to getting over it, drop me a message; I'd owe you big time.

[1stranger]

Babe I'm afraid that I'll hurt you too like you. But we can't live with this afraid. Do you know the story about hedgehogs? Neither too close nor too far... We should be close enough to warm each other (and enough to hurt each other with our thorns) and far enough not to catch a cold. Okay? 😊 What about you?

[Elle0214]

First of all, why are you "jealous" of something that is fake? Porn is like wrestling. I have never had sex like one I've seen in a porno. 85% is acting, just like wresteling.

Second, women in porn are just like everyday girls with a shit-load of make up and tons of plastic surgery. (not just the boobs, but lipo, nose, etc) If you saw them in "everyday life" you would think thier just like anyother girl.

Third, if porn is effecting you in your day-to-day life, you need to see a tharapyst. I don't really know where your comming from. I encourage my boyfriend to watch porn, I have no problem with it. Do you think men would really respect a woman that would fu*k a guy like that so easily? Its mearly a "fantasy". I don't mean to bash you or anything, just don't really understand why you would get jealous or think its cheating.

>_<

[ilovelovelove]

I never said I thought it was cheating. And, fake as it is, it's still better than reality, at least when we talk about aesthetics. If not, then amateur porn would be a lot more popular. Strippers and ads would look like real girls, without tons of make up and plastic surgery. That's what hurts, that my body, natural as it is, is second best to a plastic one.

[Elle0214]

Thats YOUR opinion. Marketing is all about plastic. we can go back and fourth but it still doesn't change things. if your comfrontable with your relationship, you wouldn't feel that way. IF YOU DONT LIKE YOUR BODY, then fix it. Maybe you have 5-10lbs to loose, do it. (safely) all I'm saying is: if you don't like it fix it. bottom line. (dont go extream tho) see a tharapyst, you need to talk to someone "outside the box", if you know what I mean. I wouldn't hurt.

[Devlin]

I'm hurt by it also! Many things a woman has to put up with, webchat, porn etc. as a woman there is not much you can do or enjoy, without being a slut! If you hurt, its your feelings that is the real thing. If your partner felt hurt by you, flirting or hang out with men, you as a woman would automatically consider your partners feeling, and he would not feel that he is taking your toy away, he would just take his feeling seriously so should you. Go with your gut feeling, stand for them!

[sailorstooth]

why does it hurt women? that shouldn't even be a question. it hurts women (us) because daily we see advertisements commercials even comments at school work even at home about being better. we strive to be perfect. perfect face hair clothes body. sexually free etc. when the person you love looks at p*rn the "woman" he masturbates too (most times) isn't even real. stylist tells her what to wear does her hair and makeup... possibly has plastic surgery. most women don't have these things. seeing someone you love get off to something so fake so unattainable is crushing because that's what we want, not to be look dress like a p*rn star, but to be someone so sought after. and it is truly something that will never happen. you don't see many women getting off to a mans anatomy because it isn't attractive and most women in the p*rn agency do crazy things to make their privates look so good. bleach there buttholes and getting vaginal rejuvenation to look like they did before they even got a period. I mean for years we as a human species have gone without p*rn... why is it in such a demand now? and why doesn't anyone believe in using their imagination to fantasize? I'm actually not old. so you can't debunk this as I'm 40 talking. I'm in college and when I'm with my boyfriend id like to imagine he's thinking about me someone with insecurities someone who doesn't have the perfect body someone whos not a sex kitten 24/7. its not a bad thing to feel bad about p*rn.