How to live life as a straight female accused of being a lesbian?

Question

When I was a little kid, I'd play with legos and hot wheels. The only barbie I ever remember not ripping the head off of was a skater barbie that came with a skater-type hat and shoes, and a skateboard. I never really liked Britney Spears, even though I could sing most of her songs. I was raised with classic rock, and that's mainly what I would be singing at school. Needless to say, I was an outcast.Junior high wasn't much different. High school was worse, though, because "everyone" was having sex and dating around. I never had a boyfriend, but I liked being friends with guys, because there was so much less drama and whatnot. I loved (and still do) wear hoodies and Vans shoes, even though I never learned to skate like I wanted to. I play the guitar when I have time. I always was under the assumption that some guys would probably like dating a girl similar to themselves, as they would have more in common and actually be able to talk about something instead of just making out and having no real connection beyond a physical relationship.The only really girlie things about me are my biology, and the fact that I love wearing eye makeup and black nail polish. I rarely dress up, don't take bubble baths, and don't like shopping. I have pierced ears, but I haven't worn earrings for years, and they're probably closed up by now.Needless to say, most people who didn't get to know me in high school thought I was a lesbian, or that I wanted to be a guy... Sure, I've thought about being with girls, and I can picture it, but I don't desire to be with a girl. Even though I've found girls attractive before, and have a couple of famous females I would date if I were into girls and had the chance, I've only really been interested in guys in the past. Anyway, I don't think I'm a lesbian, and even though I don't like my body, I don't really ever remembering having the desire to be a guy or anything like that, but I'm almost 20 and still haven't found a guy that will flirt with me. Maybe they still all assume I'm gay, just by looking at me, or because my voice is a little deeper than most girls, or I make dirty jokes once in a while when making small talk? How can I fix this problem without having to completely change myself? I'm not a lesbian, just kind of tomboyish. I just like to dress simple and comfortable, without spending large amounts of money on stupid accessories. Any advice or comforting words would be appreciated. I'm going through a really rough time with this.

LittleMissGriff · Accepted Answer

Honestly, embrace who you are. Take time to love the person you are, be comfortable in your own skin, and learn to be confident despite others.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I had good friends in high school who honestly had no idea I was straight. It wasn't that they were being insulting, they just... assumed. Instead of taking it personally, it's usually an honest mistake. The social perception of gender is twisted about and that makes it harder for people with interests that cross the 'gender spectrum'.

I don't think you're lesbian. I don't think you're transexual. You aren't sexually interested in women. You are sexually interested in men. You don't want to be a boy. You feel 'girl' is your correct sexual identity. That means you are a Straight Girl.

What I would suggest is making sure you have a well-fitted bra(you can get measured at any bra store or major department store: Dillards, JCPennys, Nordstroms, Macy's) , and be picky about the clothes you buy. I'm not saying spend lots of money on 'girly' clothes. I mean, when you buy your simple jeans and teeshirts, find ones that don't hide your curves. They don't need to be skin tight, but clothes that fit will show off the shape of your body without having to change your tastes in clothes.

Be aware that being mistaken for lesbian may be a problem that will never 'go away'. I'm asked out by girls as often as I am by guys (Which is often enough I'm perfectly happy). Don't freak on it. A smile, a 'thank you, but no', and a laid-back attitude will help ease the stress off.

Don't be ashamed to talk about what you're attracted to. I don't mean starting every conversation with a new group of people with 'I'm straight!'. I mean, talking about the latest Star Trek movies with your friends and saying 'I'm torn. I'm trying to decide who has the better butt, Kirk or McCoy, and really, I think I just want to marry them both and start a harem.' There's no NEED to announce your sexual preference. It just IS. Just like any other aspect of yourself.

You also might experiment with 'feminine' fashion. Don't force things you know you don't like. If you are not a pink girl, don't buy pink. But, perhaps you like the punk/goth style knee-length zipper skirts! Being a girl doesn't mean you have to like everything ever designed to belong to 'girls'. Perhaps skirts are just not your thing. It doesn't matter what they look like, you think they're uncomfortable and impractical. Look for cute tops - the empire waist (under the bust gather) peasant tops or similar shirts are feminine without being restrictive, overly flashy, or impractical.

If you have female friends who have a more feminine sense of style than you do, feel free to go shopping with them. Trying things on in the store doesn't mean you need to buy them. You might discover looks you hadn't thought of before. Or, your friends can help you go through clothes you love and find looks you're comfortable in that give off the right vibe you're wanting

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

you don't THINK you're a lesbian or you definitely aren't a lesbian? which one is it?

you can't fix anything, there's nothing here to fix. people are so wrapped in the gender binary in the hetero world that anything that doesn't correspond to images of how men and women should dress, behave, breathe, etc. is going to make them question the persons sexuality. if you're a tomboy, people are going to think you're gay and there really isn't much you can do about it. just be yourself and stop being bothered by what other people think. if they ask, just say you're not a lesbian (if you're sure you arent). you need to find a group that you fit into well enough to socialize and where guys dig your look.

I'm not going to sugar coat it for you, a lot of guys are very superficial about these things and if you're too much of a tomboy, they friend zone you just as quickly as a girl might friend zone a guy she sees as less attractive. There are some guys who are open to it though, so you just have to keep trying. Also take advantage of the new phenomenon of online dating. That way guys know you're interested and they see what you have to say, blah blah blah. it couldn't hurt to try.

And is your makeup/hair well done, or does it just look good to you? wearing makeup and dying your hair doesn't necessarily mean it's something girly. I've seen tomboyish/punk/goth chicks wearing makeup and dying their hair and it worked for them but I didn't think it looked all that hot. Are men attracted to you, physically? would be my main question.

I have the opposite problem I guess. lol I bisexual, I love girls, and I'm very femme. so instead of someone accusing me of being something I'm not, I have people who actually have the balls to tell me that I'm not really bisexual, and disrespecting my identity. I have guys who will blatantly hit on me in front of my girlfriend or when she's not around but they know I'm with a girl, saying cheesy lines and telling me that I need some d*** in my life. They are so f***ing disrespectful which is one of the reasons I can't stand men sometimes.

My point is everyone has issues with their image at some point, and when it comes to ignorance about gender expression and sexual identity, its even more frustrating, I know.

femininity and masculinity don't necessarily correspond to male/female or gay/straight and I wish people would understand that. super feminine girls like me may not be that interested in men, but very interested in lesbian relationships. more masculine girls like you may be totally straight or just prefer guys if you're bi. people can't wrap their heads around this, they think you have to exist the way they see fit, and I'm not going to turn into a butch and you don't need to wear heels and a skirt. we need to just be ourselves, and confidently, actively seek out the happiness we need in our lives. and if a relationship is that for you then go get one! some guys do like tomboy chicks. do you, f*** everyone else. :)

Eilonwy · Accepted Answer

you sound exactly like me lol! Well not exactly, I have to say I loooove bubble baths and dressing up and looking girlie now and again, but my boyfriend says my tomboyishness is something that he really loves about me, that I can be myself and we can have fun and be friends as well as being in a relationship. Before going out with my boyfriend I could never get a guy. I would kiss guys when out with my friends but never anything more than that, even if I gave them my number we'd text maybe 3 or 4 times then I'd never hear from them again. A lot of girls at my school thought I was a lesbian (I suppose it didn't help that I was friends with a lot of the lesbians at my school and went out with one of them for a bit) turns out I wasn't gay, I mean when I was with this girl it was just a bit of fun for me it was never going to be serious, but it was for her and that just wasn't fair of me. I know how hard it can be, girls don't 'get' me because I'm not girlie and guys see me more as a friend than 'girlfriend material', but honestly the best thing that happened for me was to not worry so much and just be yourself because you will feel better about yourself and more confident and someone will realize that they want to be with you. If you're comfortable with changing certain things maybe dress up a bit more if you're going somewhere (like hanging out with a guy you like, or going somewhere with friends) even just something simple like a nice top, just something a bit out of the ordinary for you, it'll make you stand out and maybe someone will see you in a way they never have before, but don't go too far out of your comfort zone because then you will just look uncomfortable and won't be yourself.

Never let anyone think you have to be someone else, always be yourself, but that doesn't mean you can't change if you want to.

DaveMicharl69 · Accepted Answer

THAT'S UNFAIR! A lot of people today consider jeans, tess & hoodies to be tomboyish, & I say that's BS. Where I live it's the most popular style for girls your age, & myself & a lot of guys find it stylish & sexy. As far as you liking classic rock & action movies, I do as well & WOULD be attracted by the idea of a girl liking those things too. I got ostrasized in school too as it was an all male preppy school where 99% of the students were into Madonna, Duran Duran & 80's pop, & when I began dressing preppier & talking about that style of music I got hassled less, but gained no new friends or popularity & I was MISERABLE! I felt like I was in a costume for 3 years, & the night of my 18th birthday (it was the legal NO drinking age in '87) I went out to a classic rock/classic metal bar in jeans & a tee, and felt the best I had since I changed. Keep doing what you're doing, & soon enough you'll find someone wo is like you and/or likes you for who you are! I'm SURE of it, & you'll be happier in the long run. I wish I could do more to take your pain away, but I wish you all the luck in the world...

l-hedoniste · Accepted Answer

Boys like girls, who like boys. Most guys, before they flirt with you, have to come to a snap decision as to whether we'll be well-received, lest we get shot down or slapped.

I'm going to solve all your problems and it won't cost you a dime. The boys aren't flirting with you? Flirt with them. Give the boys a little encouragement. You tell dirty jokes, so you know that depending on how you tell them, they can be dirty, or *very* dirty.

For a tomboy, you pay A LOT of attention to looks, and may have gone far down the wrong track. Looks don't matter. You can be a flirty jock, flirty prep, flirty goth, flirty anything, as long as you get the boys' attention. Attitude, attitude, attitude. Let the boys know you like them, over and over, and they'll get the message.

BlackBear18 · Answer

Those people who called you a lesbian even though you think of yourself as not a lesbian are called "HATERS". What you do to live your live is to ignore all the criticism and trash-talk about you from these "HATERS" and live your life. While these "HATERS" talk negatively about you there life stays on the same negative level it has always been on while your life advances on and you fly higher and higher. A person's attitude determines their altitude. I hope my advice helps and good luck in your life's endeavors and journeys.

DamieWamie · Answer

Lol that's hot, that's all I'm saying. I f*ckin love Legos :)

TylerMMA · Answer

Personally I think an attractive tomboyish girl is very cute and desireable. You don't need to change yourself for anyone else.

KarKingJack · Answer

Look at me.

And my dating life's been as good as anyone's - better than most people on this site's. Alright, I've been in some serious relationships with boys but that's not the point. I courted and fell in love with a girl and before I met her I fooled around a lot, and I mean a f***ing lot.

Sure some people will think that but they're vastly in the majority - and where I am its totally acceptable for a girl to be boyish. Its not acceptable for a boy to be girly. If it didn't affect me, it shouldn't affect you.

Just get out there. Meet people, meet 'alternative boys' if you want, classic rock boys take whatever they can and go absolutely crazy for classic rock girls, because they have this little elitist 'The Few' mentality. Your lucky that way really.

For a lot of people it just takes them a while to meet people who they're compatible with. Don't worry about it =] It doesn't have anything to do with anything you described here.

Belgie · Answer

You shouldn't have to change yourself.

Kathleen Turner was one of the sexiest women alive (in her youth) and was known for deeper voice. As was Lauren Bacall before her. And personally, every guy I know loves a girl who tell a dirty joke. And I don't mean loves them like a sister.

It shouldn't matter if some idiotic girls call you a lesbian. But if you think there's some guys you might be interested in who aren't approaching you because of that rumour, well that's something you can address.

There are plenty of guys who are attracted to strong and confident women. In other words, not the girlie girl types. In England for example, "Tomboy" is a whole subgenre of p*rnography. Believe me, it's an attractive type for a lot of guys.

I'd suggest you play to your strengths. Since you're not a girlie girl, focus on the fact that you should have the confidence to hit on guys. Try making the first move yourself. After all that's something a girlie girl would never do.

foolycooly1001 · Answer

have you ever asked a guy out

cary1391 · Answer

well have you considerd girling it up a little. Not that much but maybe try wearing a little make up or fix up you hair (cut it, dye it) Just to make yourself a little more feminine, Maybe dress use tighter clothes to show of you curves. I'm not saying changing a whole lot just a little in your aperance.

Sarahplus2 · Answer

You do you and fuck everyone else.

chasen1997 · Answer

have sex with a lot of guys

Anonymous · Answer

I'm tomboyish not because I wanted to be tomboyish but because my parents , the only thing they could afford to buy me was shirts and regular jeans and because I only had brothers who played video games all day , I play video games, I skateboard ,I never put makeup on, I act tomboyish. I guess it kinda influence me in being who I am today .When I try to  dress more feminine or when I try to put makeup on  my whole family would just  laugh at me and my father would get angry too lol.  I was never treated like a girl my whole entire life, I was just  another boy in the house sigh . Maybe that  probably the reason I'm a tomboy.

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