My relationship is stressing me out! Please help!

[Anonymous]

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 6 years and we've been living together for about 5 1/2 yrs. I met him immediately after moving to a new city. At the start of our relationship we did everything together and made love all of the time and it was great. As the years passed, I realized I had less and less independence and no friends. I got really depressed about it and complained to my boyfriend and he would be like “well, make some friends”. But when I'd invite people over he would act rude and jealous and would make no effort to talk to them. He even got mad when one of my girl friends bought me a gift! I ended up feeling discouraged most of the time and not follow up with the friends that I had attempted to make. To make a long story short I'm in graduate school now and I guess it bolstered my confidence a bit. Over winter break I made a few friends and we started spending time together. My boyfriend has been supportive about it but still gives me a hard time for spending too much time with them even though we live together and I actually only see my friends maybe one time every week to every couple of weeks. Sometimes I feel like I need my space, but we live together so that makes it difficult and I also don’t work right now. Furthermore, over the last couple of years our sex life has dwindled. This is mainly my fault because I’ve become less attracted to him and when he makes advances to me I feel annoyed. What’s even worse is I have a crush on someone else. I don’t know if the other guy likes me but we stare at each other sometimes. I feel bad about this because my boyfriend is really good to me. He does a lot for me and he’s really kind and caring and I think he’s trying to allow me to be more independent and make friends. He’s also really supportive about me going back to school. However, he has been curious as to why we aren’t having sex very much and I don’t know what to say or do. Also I don’t know if this is too personal, but I haven’t climaxed in a couple of years and I only can when I’m masturbating. It often feels like my boyfriend doesn’t care about my sexual needs but lately he’s trying to take an interest. And he even tried to talk to me about it today. I honestly don’t know what to do, because we’ve been together a long time and I don’t want to throw him away but yet he makes me feel suffocated sometimes. It’s also difficult with school because the program I’m in is very demanding so I don’t have a lot of time for anything. And at first he was really rude about it but now he’s very supportive and understanding. Now I always make time to watch TV or something with my boyfriend and we always eat dinner together every night. I don’t know I feel like I’m doing my best but my relationship is stressing me out.

[islands7]

Although you don't have time to do more research, this relationship seems important enough for you to bring up co-research where Bfriend & you look into what's known as The Seven Year Itch.

Not only do I suspect you have that fever, you also may be over your head (as many are) in your studies ... for others, it's their work. Adding such stress & lack of time for meditation or prayer to the itch generally produces doubts & even sexual rollercoasters ... be they frequent cycles or long-term ones.

Sounds like his jealousy and fear of abandonment is cratering to his missing your 100% presence that to him is additive and he's willing to make your nest more irresistible to leave ... he just needs guidance on how. You don't seem to know or wish to lead, so again some co-research on what makes you orgasm is in order.

Conversely, you may be the type that prefers the easy road of new encounters that lead to no brainer orgasms. Most active sex & orgasms are found in the fantasy first years of a relationship/marriage before the real world steps in with concerns about eating, shelter, even babies.

Your choice seems to be the begin a new relationship, either with a stranger who might give you a ground hog day experience or with your current Bfriend who reportedly is motivated to give you a new experience.

[Asker]

My problem is really more his jealousy and lack of letting me have my own social life while he still has his. I go out once in a while, but he gives me an attitude when I get back home and then I have to spend all evening trying to cheer him up, so it's kind of draining esp w school. The other guy is mainly eye candy, we barely know each other or even talk he's not the reason for my frustration w my current boyfriend because I've felt distant from my boyfriend for a year & I just met this other guy.

[islands7]

Yes, that 411 helps a bit more. 1. It would be ideal if his night out and yours were same, even if not going out together. 2. Reports on your adventures, could overwrite his fears. Even before this last year, his idle mind has been the devil's workshop and he gets gloomy, even proactive in trying to keep you from leaving - for that is what the devil is telling him. HIs problem gets harder to solve if he has been dumped before and he finds similarities. It's a back handed complement - I know

[rosekitten]

Well, he's being supportive, so that's a good sign in those areas on where he is.

Second, a crush is normal, that's not an issue. It's about how you chose to be mature about it. Happens to everyone, even him, but that doesn't mean a bad thing, unless you take action.

Third, the key to building a relations actually is with sex as well. Sex helps stabilize moods, causing less fights, and intimacy. Research how sex helps build your relationship, and how not having it can dwindle it. Masturbating isn't an issue, and thinking about climaxing is probably why you aren't capable. The more you think about it, the less likely it will happen. Sex actually helps people feel more calm.

Fourth, the friendship part is just something your going to have to talk to him about, and how you should be able to go see your friends. If he can't accept that, then he's selfish, and undeserving.

Fifth, try to relax, and calm yourself.

[Anonymous]

Its seems like you care about him a great deal, but sometimes that's just not enough. I think you need more than what you are currently getting from your relationship. Or perhaps there is something that is lacking. You can rekindle the spark that you once had or you can walk away.

Think about what you want and what's truly important to you.