My boyfriend loves my body, but would "prefer something different"?

[Anonymous]

After a work injury, I've been stuck in our apartment, unable to do much, and due to this, I've gained about 15-20 lbs, I'm very self-conscious about my weight, and my boyfriend know this. Its almost always on my mind, I have a calendar up in our room that has a countdown until I can hit the gym again. I have big boobs, and a really round ass, both great attributes, and individually my boyfriend always compliments them both. we were having a conversation today, I was flipping through victorias secret bathing suits, and it started on the suits, and then went to the models, which I really didn't mind. then I pointed out a girl who would be my ideal body type. The perfect "hourglass" great rack, great hips, full round behind, I was like this is what I would kill for, (basically what I have with a really flat tummy on it) and he say "Ehh I prefer one or the other" and I said "what do you mean?" And he says "I would rather a girl be top heavy or bottom heavy. Having both is just over the top, its too much." And I playfully said "Haha so I am I too much?" And he said "Yeah I would say so." completely seriously. So my feelings get hurt, and I say "That was kind of a jerk thing to say" and I try to explain to him why that would hurt my feelings, and he gets up, says "You're being a b*tch right now, You could have handled that better. I work hard to lift your self esteem" and storms out of the room. Seriously?! Am I in the wrong? And don't do the whole "Dump him he's not worth your time, we've been together for years, I'm in this for the long haul.

[Anonymous]

Yer, it would definitely hurt my feelings if my boyfriend said something to hurt me about my physical appearance, only because I am already self conscious about my self... I know you said you are happy with your body, but you asked for an opinion and he was honest. If you didn't care how you look , it would just slide of and move on... to be together, you have to accept he will have opinions and for him to trust you and be honest and open with you, you will have to accept them and allow him to express it, and agree to disagree if it does not sit well with you.. otherwise he will be too scared to say anything lest it offends you..

Now you know what he likes and don't like, but he is with YOU, otherwise he would find someone else with those attributes he prefers. Perhaps you are abit insecure with yourself or the relationship and he is scared to say the wrong thing, perhaps it slipped out and now he is being a jerk as you are on his back about it? Is it worth to hold this against him and drive him away from you? Like I said he is with you because he obviously finds you attractive, physically and personality wise too. No one is perfect.. I'm sure you may find that other guys are physically better looking or are not balding or whatever, but you are with him... I'm sure once you forgive him and make up on this, then he will stop acting like a jerk and then you can have a chat about how you feel...

[Anonymous]

Well, is he in the relationship for the long haul too well if he is, give him what he wants HIT the gym when you're well and shape everything up the way you want (the body you pointed in the magazine) and he will be happy too. WIN-WIN situation. All I can say is I know how that feels like, I had put on weight and felt really bad but my boyfriend was very supportive and now as am loosing am finding myself becoming even sexier everyday and it feels so damn good. GOOD LUCK..

[Asker]

I can't "hit the gym" and go down 4 cup sizes. That's my problem. If he said "You need to lose weight" I would agree! If he said I need to tone up, I would completely agree. Its that he said I have two features, that I can't change, that he would rather do without, and if he could change it he would, I wouldn't change anything about him. I love him exactly the way he is. It hurts my feelings that he'd prefer I had a reduction or lipo on my a$$ or something.

[Opinion Owner]

Well then, it is an issue of self esteeem and support. You want him to be support and make you feel good. Here's the thing, men are crazy about asses and boobs. But if it's the first time he pointed this out maybe he wasn't in his best mood but if he is constantly saying it then maybe there is more to it. You can not change yourself to make someone feel better. That's the fact!

[Anonymous]

That last line, he works hard to lift your self esteem? maybe he is just a bit sick and tired IF you tend to be negative and have low self esteem of your body image? Being stuck at home while your sick might be the reason for you to be abit down... No one is to blame, but talk to him maybe he has some issues you guys just need to talk it out. and be mindful of each other needs.

[l-hedoniste]

You asked him a straightforward question about what sort of body he prefers. Given the circumstances, he had two choices: tell the truth, or lie. He chose to tell the truth. You chose to flip out.

Here's the problem with that, and the reason he has a BIG problem with your self-esteem: you have a fundamental relationship problem when your man has to think twice before telling you the truth.

Some guys have no problem with it, because they're adept on running a relationship on a foam of lies. They'll tell you what you want to hear, sure, but it's all bubbles and wind, and you find out in the end how very little they care about you.

This guy, instead, wants to be able to tell you the truth and for you to be able to hear it. If my girl checks out the Hunk-of-the-Month and says "How f*cking hot", what good does it do me, what good does it do *us*, to blow up about it? Let it pass, and she's still with me, still my girl. I go apesh*t, and who knows?

Also, double binds are manipulative. He's now in a position where he has only bad options--either lie, and face a freakout. I've lived in that long enough to learn there's a third, excellent option: dump her. Don't force that lesson.

[Asker]

I didn't ask him ANYTHING. He brought it up. He said he doesn't like girls with big boobs and big butts. I have both, so I asked him what he thought about ME. how is that trying to trap him? I don't care what he thinks is hott in other girls, I'm not other girls I'm me. I asked him if my combo was not attractive, if he wished I had a smaller butt or smaller boobs. He said yes. And then got mad because I got my feelings hurt. I didn't freak out. HE DID.

[l-hedoniste]

"I didn't ask him ANYTHING." "so I asked him what he thought about ME." Inconsistent. "He said he doesn't like girls with big boobs and big butts." You could have stopped here. "I asked him if my combo was not attractive, if he wished I had a smaller butt or smaller boobs." Given what he just said, how wise was this line of questioning? He got mad because you *tried* to get your feelings hurt. You didn't have to maneuver the conversation to precisely where it would upset you the most.

[Anonymous]

1 Your Boyfriend is Dumb

2 He actually was trying to compliment you, he was trying to say that you look better than him, your too much for him (in a good way)

3 He just said it in a really bad way.

He wasn't TRYING to hurt your feelings, but he did anyway.

[Asker]

I know he wasn't trying to hurt my feelings, he wouldn't do that, I'm more upset that he's being a jerk BECAUSE my feelings are hurt, acting as though nothing he said could possibly be interpreted as negative.

[charlie_girl]

Why don't you point out some of his flaws and call it even.

[Asker]

I mentioned that to him, and he said "Well if I'm not self concious why would it bother me?" Which is completely assinine because if the person you love calls you ugly it doesn't matter if you're a super model its going to hurt your feelings.

[charlie_girl]

actually that's not true. If you can insult a supermodel ( arguably someone that is physically perfect) and they can still get upset it just goes to show that something is wrong and clearly your vision is distorted. Just because a persons opinion is that they don't like something it is merely that- an opinion. Your boyfriend can see this that's why he doesn't care if people (including yourself) insult his looks. Because he is confident in himself and his appearance It appears oyu have very low self esteem.

[charlie_girl]

I'm not sure exactly what you want from your guy cos you mention that he is supportive etc but then you say this. Guy's aren't perfect that's what you need to know. I remember my ex (who I was A LOT better looking than) used to reinforce everything I hated in myself. He didn't care about his flaws but I cared about mine. You need to repair your self esteem and you will be OK.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, it's hard to guess completely based on just this, but I think you probably complain about how you look too often. I also think that it REALLY sounded like you were trying to trap him, when he was just being honest. He also was somewhat dumb.

[Asker]

How was I trying to trap him? I asked him if he likes the way I look, he said no, and then got mad that it hurt my feelings. My booobs and my butt are something I like, I wouldn't change them if I could. He would, that hurt, and he's acting like a jerk because It hurt my feelings. I didn't cry, I didn't whine or nag, I simply stated "hey, what you said kinda hurt my feelings a bit." and he flys off the handle.