My girlfriend is scared of me, and sex. Please help!

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 7.5 months. I'm 19 and she's 18. It's a long-distance relationship, but we're meeting up in just over a month. It's something we've been looking forward to for a long time. Anyway, we've had a few fights and rough patches, but overall our relationship is amazing. We're planning on having sex for the first time when we meet up. We're both virgins, and we're both very very excited. My girlfriend told me today that despite wanting to sleep with me very badly, she is very scared of giving all of herself to me. She says that she still wants to do it, despite the fear. Apparently I am so nice to her that it scares her, because she's afraid I'll stop loving her at some point. Therefore, if I stopped loving her and she had given all of herself to me, she would be hurt really badly. I'm in this relationship for the long-haul, not for the sex, but she's having difficulty trusting me. The distance involved in our relationship makes things a lot harder. She claims that she will always have these fears. What can I do?! I don't want her to be scared. Please help me. Any advice would be much appreciated.

[Shadowkitty3]

I am in the same situation as your girlfriend. I am dating my boyfriend of a year and a half and we live 5hour away from each other. I understand why she might not want 2give herself 2u compleatly and maybe I can try 2 explain why. 1st off she loves you and WANTS 2 have sex w/u. The hesitation may come from her own personal NEEDS instead of her personal wants. I no I want 2make love 2my boyfriend. I want that more than anything, but we are still young and I want2 consider our future 2. (Im 17 and my bfs 16 btw) I need 2 be w/some1 I no will always b there. Its not that I don't love my boyfriend or trust that he really does want 2b w/me 4ever, its just that there are so many what ifs left in our life 2gether. What if we break up because of distance? What if he (or I) find some1 else that makes us happy? Ect... I just need 2b sure in my decision 2give myself 2my boyfriend b4 I do. Once the distance gap closes and we can finally b 2gether and he's still w/me then I will b sure that I am makeing the right decision in giving myself 2him. There are just so many factors in life that can change a relationship. I think time and cloesing the distance gap will give your girlfriend the reasurrence she NEEDS that you will always b there. I would talk 2 her about this. Be honest 2her in your feelings and let her no that she can b honest and open about her feelings 2. Ask her why she's worried and reasure her that you will always b there 4 her. I hope I helped and if you wanna talk about long distance relationships you have a friend in me =) let me no how things work out

[Shadowkitty3]

Btw if this confused you or you have any more ?s I'm happy 2 help

[Asker]

Thanks for your input. You're right, she has mentioned that she's worried about all the what-ifs. And yes, the distance complicates things. Thanks for the reassurance.

[SkyBlossom]

I think you understand her dilemma, and I hope you understand that you are not the problem.

You represent a possibility, a dream really, and it can scare a girl silly when she starts thinking too much. Especially if she is an intelligent virgin, brought up to respect herself and think before she acts. She is probably so frustrated, obviously she wants you so much but she's so scared you might dump her and be a heartbreak. I don't know where she's coming from, but trust is a big deal, communication can help, but I think with the distance it will be difficult to build the trust and comfort she needs to have with you. If you really love her and are in it for the long haul, just stick in their, just show that you're a good guy and over time she'll get out of this fear. Love for some people is cheap and you can get it at any corner, but people like your girlfriend really put a high price on it for one reason or another, and don't just give themself to anyone. Break the taboos and the mental blocks she has by asking her about herself and try to make her feel comfortable, a good test is to see how long you two can just sit next to each other, holding hands or whatever, in silence, looking in each others eyes, physically being around each other. Make her feel safe, start being affectionate and showing her love, sex will have to wait until she feels like she can lose control with you. She needs to feel good in your arms like you'd never let her go. Takes time.

[Asker]

Thanks. Great advice. Our relationship should put less emphasis on sex, until she's ready. I'll make sure she's ready before we get physical.

[SkyBlossom]

Thank you. You sound like a true gentleman, I think you'll find happiness. Best of luck!

[justhat1chick]

1 losing your v card is scary

2 its even more scary since its long distance

3 how is she susposed to know she isn't losing it to a one night stand

let things go with the flow don't force push or encourage it, and make sure to continueously comunicate

[Asker]

Good advice. Thanks.

[Brandan_Cromartie]

You can just not have sex with her. This is your FIRST time meeting her; why not just cuddle and give reassurance rather than push your penis-based agenda. Sex isn't all that kid; I'm just going to be honest with you, you'll get a lot more out of this if you do not make it a big deal or a priority.

[Asker]

I don't have a penis-based agenda. I'm happy to just cuddle and do non-sexual things and I've told her so, but she really does want to have sex with me. She's determined to have sex with me, despite the fact that it really scares her. Is there any way that I can help her get over her fears?

[sunshine2]

show her how much you care for her and ease her fears by reminding her that you really care about her and would never hurt her and make her feel special when the time comes by relaxing her and taking your guys' time. ;)

[Asker]

@sunshine2: Thanks :)

[Brandan_Cromartie]

I don't mean to be sure but I don't think what you're saying is entirely true. If she's terrified of sex and seems reluctant to go along with it I am almost sure you're not "stepping back and saying no"; I might be young(ish) but I'm no fool and I am a penis owner. She's obviously not doing this because she's comfortable with you, she's doing it because she thinks she needs to, and you taking this step now will add deadly tension when you go home. Just wait. Wait it out. Do not do it!

[Brandan_Cromartie]

I want you to think of the LONG-TERM consequences: You are having sex with someone who does not live right next to you. You are also going back home more than likely seeing as this sounds more like a visitation. Think of ALL the emotional tension and instability you're about to build. This is dumb. This. Is. Dumb. But don't take it from experience; you young & foolhardy will do what you want.

[Asker]

Thank you for your input, but you don't fully understand our situation. She's not terrified of sex and she's not reluctant to go along with it. She just sees her fears as a fact of life that will never go away. I wasn't really looking for a guy's opinion on this matter. I just want to understand where she's coming from so I can help. Anyway, I'll take your advice into account.

[Brandan_Cromartie]

You're missing an element. The distance. I'm trying to set you up for success. Even if she gets over it and has sex you live x hours away. She's going to need consolation, you're not going to be there, good luck.

[toulouse]

cant you guys go little by little so she can ease into it physically& emotionally. I mean do you have to shove it all at her at once?