My boyfriend got a boner for another girl, what do I do?

[Anonymous]

I know guys can get hard-ons for no reason at all, but this isn't the case. He's talked about this girl before, and told me that he's gotten "butterflies" with her before, he's said (before we were dating) she has the best body in his grade, and has (since we've been dating) talked about how he can't help but look at her cleavage. I've tried to be okay with this blunt honesty, but it's really hurtful. We had a big fight near breaking up about something else, and he said he had to get somethign "off his chest". He told me he'd gotten a boner for her once or twice in class because he was looking at her. Not just some girl with zero attachment. They don't really talk, and they don't hang out. I know he's not cheating on me, for sure, but this has hurt me so severely, I don't feel like there is a returning point for me. What should I do?

[Kayaking]

big difference between getting one and acting on it. We get them all the time for a million different reasons. It can be confusing because we can be totally in love and happy with our relationship etc. Maybe this is his way of dealing with that or it could be that he is hot for the girl, or even just hot to see her boobs. My advice would be not to be to judgemental or drama-ed out about it. In a way, he's testing you. At the right time, you may want to consider a calm, rational conversation about the effect letting "distractions" into your relationship can have. Calmly/rationally point out what your boundaries are and let him say what his are. Gently send the message that YOU can be distracted too . how far do you want it to go?

[Asker]

Wow, thanks. That's genuinely helpful. It's just hard for a girl to even grasp the concept of a boner being no big thing. When a guy has that reaction to a girl, we take it seriously, so when he has that reaction to someone else, it feels like a huge betrayal. The issue of him looking at other girls, and getting "butterflies" for them has been a big one for us. He's a sweet guy, and has never cheated, but he's always looking, and he can be a real pervert sometimes. He always tells me about "bad

[Asker]

(cont) "bad things" that have happened during the day, so it's like every day I get a little dose of news about how some girl flrited with him, or asked him out, or some girl tried to sit in his lap, stuff like that. It's just really been wearing on me, and this was a huge hit to my self esteem. It's like, he didn't stop it at the first time, he kept looking at her until he pitched a second tent. He knows her! She's a fellow student! It's like goggling at a coworker, until you get two boners!

[Kayaking]

Extremely inconsiderate/extremely immature if it's coming from him and/or you are sure. However, I have experienced jealous girlfriends who knew how to create that I was having boners for others when it was far from the truth. Believe me, if he has to tell you this stuff, it is him who is "generating" the issue. No guy has to be this distracted and no guy has the "problem" of women being all over him like that or of being that infatuated with someone elses chest.

[my2847]

I can try to explain better. The focus is directed to my wife, she gets my attention. I don't try to put the other girls face on my wife or put the other girls body or legs on my wife. I just enjoy what my wife has and when she is doing to me or for me. The other girl just showed or reminded me of something. I can give specific things but I would rather not for all to see. Maybe message me and I can give you a couple real life things that she and I have done so you can understand it. My wife still has to be reminded sometimes but she knows that I am committed to her and she knows that I will never cheat, I am what I am and being very visual, more than some guys, I react allot.

[Asker]

You've done a fine job of explaining, thank you very much.

[Shack]

Wow,U have a big problem at hand and I think you should have a biog heart to habdle this wan.I think your guy should set his feelings staright on you and no one else because I don't think he enjoys it when you feel hurt.why not ask him one simepl question"do you enjoy it when I feel hurt"what ever he replies you take of from there.I think its normal to feel for some other girl apart from ur girl but ur girl should know abt it no matter what and it would be unfair and unheard of to do such a thing.love is never pain or hurt as some say.Love is caring and sharing.He should care abt you the most not some other cleavage.

[Asker]

I know he doesn't enjoy seeing me hurt, and he definitely knows how much this has hurt me. Thanks for the advice, I'll try to give him the benefit of the doubt about this, be calm, and work through it. Thanks again.

[my2847]

Please read my answer regarding another question and you should find your answer.

link

[Asker]

But in the midst of the ravaging, are you thinking of your wife, or the girl you're dressing her up as?

[my2847]

My wife, the girl I saw started the process but that doesn't make me less attracted to my wife. You can't tel me that since you have been dating, no other guy you have seen you have found cute. Just cause he is cute, means nothing. When a guys see's someone he finds attractive, its an instant reaction, it's impossible to stop it.

[Asker]

Alright, thanks for the input!

[l-hedoniste]

It's usually best for both the boy and the girl in a relationship to pretend that he's not looking at other women. It's a sham, of course--he will always look--but a little bit of make-believe would make everybody's life easier. As you said, they don't talk, they don't hang out, he isn't cheating.

Make a deal with him: if he shuts up about how hot she is and makes an attempt at discretion, you'll shut up about how crazy it's driving you and make an attempt at grace.

[markklatte]

guys are horny bastards sorry to say but your gonna have to deal with it =)