My boyfriend won't have sex with me unless I am on birth control, advice?

[Anonymous]

i'm sorry if this sounds strange of me for even letting something like this actually bother me, but it actually offends me that my boyfriend will not have sex with me unless I am on birth control. My boyfriend suggested that I get a non hormonal IUD so I won't have side effects, and won't forget to take a pill, etc. For some reason I think if he truly loved me, he would have sex with me without me having an IUD. I am 27 and he is 26, he has a great job and is getting a business loan to open his own business, so it isn't like if something did happen and we had a child we wouldn't be able to care for it, we would. I have a child from a previous relationship and everything was so easy with her (minus the pregnancy, had a hard one) so just in case something happens, I know what to do and what to expect. This keeps getting to me though, I always hear how most men don't care if a woman is on birth control he just wants to get his rocks off and pays for it later. But we are in love and have been together almost two years. Also with his ex girlfriend he didn't make sure she was on birth control and got her pregnant, he wanted the baby but she went and got an abortion behind his back. So I don't understand. I am nicer than her, don't cheat on him like she did, much better looking, smarter, etc. I keep asking why he wanted to have sex with her unprotected but not me and he always avoids answering and says that's a stupid question he doesn't know. What should I do, do any of you have advise to give me?

[heatherlu]

I'd respect that.

Or get him to use a condom.

He doesn't want a kid right now, and that's fair enough.

He's had a bad experience in the past, an accidental pregnancy, which he got his head around, and then was taken away from him. He doesn't want to go through the same thing with you. So whilst, no, I'm sure he doesn't think you'd do anything like that - he doesn't see the point in risking you getting pregnant by accident. And really, neither do I.

I'm not saying he'll never want a kid with you - maybe you'll stay together, commit and decide you do want a child together - but I think that's the point. He doesn't want it to be an accident. He wants to be in control of that - and you should respect that?

Why do you so desperately want him to? Because you don't want to be on birth control? fine - get him to use protection then.

Or because you actually deep down, want to risk getting pregnant with him? Because whether or not you could handle it financially - that's clearly not the problem - if you're both not happy with the idea, things won't end as perfectly as they could.

Stop comparing yourself to his ex. I'm imagining what happened with her stopped him from his explorations with unprotected sex; and has nothing to do with your feelings towards either of you, but to stop him getting himself in a situation he isn't really ready for just yet. There's a difference between wanting to keep a child that already exists, and wanting to prevent creating one.

[selfishstars]

I think you're being very immature and overly emotional about this.

First off, just because you're in a position in which you COULD have a child together, doesn't mean that he wants to have a child with you, at least not at this time. He doesn't feel comfortable with the risk, and that's his decision to make. As a woman, you have the right to make your own reproductive decisions---but he has the right to make his own reproductive decisions as well. If he doesn't want to have a child at this time, it's his right to refuse to have sex with you if he isn't comfortable with the precautions (or lack thereof) that you're willing to take.

"I always hear how most men don't care if a woman is on birth control he just wants to get his rocks off and pays for it later." This is a stereotype and certainly not true of all men. It might be true of irresponsible men, but it sounds like your boyfriend is a responsible, intelligent guy in this regard. You should feel grateful to be with a guy who puts thought behind his decisions instead of just acting on his urges and dealing with the consequences afterward, especially when the consequences are a big deal.

And of course, his experience with his ex may also affect his views on the matter. He was irresponsible in the past and didn't make sure his ex-girlfriend was on birth control. He's learned from that mistake and doesn't want to repeat it. Keep in mind that when he was with his ex, he probably thought positively of her and trusted her.

[Nessert]

i think that, what is wrong in here, is not "if he truly loved me, he would have sex with me without me having an IUD". No, he wants to have sex with you, thats a fact, and he doesn't want to get you pregnant, so thats why he is doing this. if he loves you or not, that another story.
i think that he just want to be carefull about getting you pregnant, and thats ok, but he should not be forcing you to do something. You should not do something (like changing your birth control method) because he is forcing you to do it.
What would i do in your situacion: Telling him that you have being thinking about the IUD thing, and you would like to talk about it. And then tell him that you understand that he wants to be precausious about getting you pregnant, but this is something serious. And any hormonal treatment have side effects. So, the birth control method that you to use, should be a decition that you to take together as a couple, get informed about the effectivity and side effects of all the birth control methods in the market and then decide which one is the best for you two. But take that decision together as a couple. Not he forcing you to do as he say without taking in count your opinion. . . . (in case i wrote something wrong is because English is not my main languege)

[TheAnswerer]

The fact that he cares this much about the birth control suggests that he's not the "bang her and leave her" kind of guy, and that he really doesn't want kids.

This is nothing about you in person. May be he was so emotionally affected because of the "hidden abortion" that he doesn't want to have kids anymore? May be that's why he can't even answer, and says "that's a stupid question"? (If something seems illogical or unreasonable, it usually means that the person's mind is in autopilot, with emotions seizing control.)

To summarize, I think he was deeply affected by the pregnancy and abortion that he doesn't look at the case logically like you do right now. Don't take this personally, and please don't be offended. We all are "scarred" in some ways, and we can be VERY unreasonable when these wounds are re-opened.

Anyways, about the birth control, why don't you tell him to use a condom? Say that if he doesn't accept using a condom, then you don't have to use birth control either. It is only fair.

[Butterfly_kisses09]

I don't blame him, he obviously doesn't want another accidental pregnancy. Why would that offend you? Just get some birth control, it's really not that big of a deal. It's good he cares and understands the consequences of sex. He just wants to prevent it, what's wrong with that? He probably wants to focus on his career, his own business. He doesn't want to worry about kids right now and you arn't even married. I don't see the problem with him asking you to do that. I think you're just overreacting, get some BC and then have wild crazy sex. It's not a big deal, you should be happy he wants to have sex with you and be safe about it. Most men don't care, but it's good that he does.

[Asker]

i'd prefer he didn't care, and loved me enough to have a family with me. picking a job over starting a family is pretty messed up to be honest. I don't want to be old and sicker and then have kids and not even be able to see them grow up...

[Butterfly_kisses09]

Omg that was an extremely selfish comment. You have to have a job to support a family. You are very selfish wanting him to not care about his career to have a family with you and you're not even married. You have your priorities way mixed up. He obviously wants his career to be on track before he thinks about kids...

[Asker]

so a job means more to you than having a family? WOW girl...i'm glad you have no children. "sorry kids but mommies job means more than you" yeah I'm selfish, get a life. you don't know what I go through so until YOU get extremely ill and don't know how long YOU have left and want kids NOW I advise you to shut your hole.

[Butterfly_kisses09]

Yeah considering I'm 16 I'm glad I don't have kids too. And I didn't say it meant more, I said you have to have a job to support a family so obviously YOUR BOYFRIEND wants to further his career first. Lmao angry are we? Looks like I struck a nerve, and it maybe would have been smart to put all of that in your question. You're 27? I doubt it, you are very immature. Grow up. Obviously a career isn't more important than your kids but he has no kids so at this point in time his career is important

[selfishstars]

QA: Choosing a job over starting a family is the INTELLIGENT thing to do. Children cost money. It's important to be both financially and emotional stable before having any. It has nothing to do with how much he loves you. From what I gather, you have some sort of illness that is going to limit your ability to raise children well (due to poor health), and limit your lifespan. I'm sorry to hear that, but you can't use your illness to force him to have children with you before he's ready to.

[beerY33]

I would respect that if I were you. He loves you, and he knows he doesn't want a kid, so he's not going to risk it. If you had a kid he didn't want, even if you were able to care for it, that would noot be a great situation, so... yeah, I'd respect him for considering the consequences before having sex.

[beerY33]

Also, he already went through a lot with his ex and clearly doesn't want it to happen again. Don't push it.

[dudeman]

thats dumb use a condom and the spoonge and spermiscides going on hormonse is the last thing you want to do

[beerY33]

well, yeah, other forms of protection should be just as good.

[tzdc21]

He's a smart guy.

[dudeman]

use condoms spermicides and the spoonge if he won't do it that way then leave him why would you go on hormones

[Asker]

im not on hormones I got a non hormonal one so it doesn't make me have tons of side effects

[dudeman]

the copper ring gives you Alzheimer

[Asker]

idk because I'll be dead anyways before it sets in lol.

[dudeman]

your not that old

[Anonymous]

An IUD? What are you thinking? He's your boyfriend, not your husband. You can stick with condoms, you know.

P.S. You've been together two years already and he hasn't popped the question. Might be time to move on to the next...