I really want to find a guy who is a sadist?

[Anonymous]

I don't really know how to do it though. I'm not into the leather and bondage but the really rough sex and the forcefulness. I've only ever met one guy who ever had the metal aspect down. I'm really into the controlling/strictness of it and being ordered etc. I'm not into humiliation though. I feel like it's so hard to find a guy who can be the kind of sadist I like. The S&M with all the leather and gags is really cheesy to me and that's all I ever find! It's even harder to find the right guy because I'm a pretty monogamous person and I don't sleep around so the guy would have to actually be my partner. =\ I don't think they make dating websites for this. Lol. I tried to find stuff but I'm not online that often and whenever I search the cheesy stuff comes up =\

[l-hedoniste]

You're not into leather and bondage and gags and stuff. Gotcha. Don't do it. BUT, maybe 95% of the dateable sadists you'll find will run with the leather set. So if you really want to find this guy, you'll have to make your peace with the smell of saddle soap, because you're going to make a lot of leather friends.

Guys who enjoy dishing pain on women, you see, are in serious danger; all it takes is one flake showing a cop her bruises to send him to prison for a VERY long time. That means he needs to find you *extremely* trustworthy, and may even want references before he dates you seriously.

Who might be in a position to give those references? Your cheesy new bondage pals, of course! Given that you're looking for a compatible life partner as well as play partner, you need to be on their good side; the kink community is small, most places, so everybody knows everybody. A single screwup can get someone blackballed from a whole city, and rightly so. You can't be sloppy when you're whipping and binding folks.

PLEASE read Wiseman's SM101, Easton and Hardy's The New Bottoming Book, or some reliable resource on kink. When looking for a rough, forceful guy, it's important to be keenly alert, if not ritualistic, about emotional safety and boundaries. Your playing with primal sh*t, and serious emotional cargo will get unhooked and bounce around the cabin *even when everything is going well*. The last thing you need during the (inevitable) freakout is an inexperienced, selfish, or distant top. You want him present, alert, and prepared, and a good negotiation is an indispensable indicator of where his head is.

Where to start? If you're near a city of any size, it's going to have a "munch", an informal gathering of kink-identified people. These events are for socializing and *asking questions*. Don't interrogate, but if you're not learning something every time you go, a critical opportunity is being lost. Also, Some nightclubs cater to the kink-identified; your munch buddies can tell you about these. Also, websites: Fetlife.com, Alt.com.

(Be aware that the kink-community is traditionally tolerant to all orientations and genders, so I really hope that's not a problem with you.)

Finally, you might want to try getting over the cheese factor; the most target-rich environment you'll find is a fetish party, and most of which have very strict (leather/latex/costume) dress codes. A lot of people will have on the cheesy stuff simply because when fishing, one goes where the fishes are. Think about it.

[kheserthorpe]

From what I can tell, and from preferences in p*rn, it seems many, if not most, men are aroused be rough sex.

So one option would be to try to find out within first few dates, just chatting, if that at least turns them on (though to be honest, you might have to open up that you enjoy _seeing_ that sort of thing first, or they may lie and say 'oh no I only like sweet romantic sex'. Most guys have the impression that the average girl doesn't want to hear 'i pretty much only watch gangbangs, rough anal and facial videos').

If you have a guy who is interested, you can start exploring together. Your challenge will be that I think a lot more guys have an _interest_ in this then _experience_ with it. And inexperienced dominant guys, assuming they are also nice guys, are not going to be confident with _how_ rough you want it. So you'll probably need to move in that direction, and really communicate well about what you liked, didn't like, what they can do more of, where you're at your limit, etc.

'Rough' means different things to different people. Ultimately, the sub sets the rules, the dominant just implements them.

[Asker]

"Most guys have the impression that the average girl doesn't want to hear 'i pretty much only watch gangbangs, rough anal and facial videos'" Lol, that was really funny. That's the p*rn I like though! XD I didn't think about guys not having much experience so thanks for the tips. I tried to do those with my ex boyfriend because he was really scared about being too rough but in the end I think he just wasn't that type of guy. Have to work on finding the right one. :)

[kheserthorpe]

Well, there are two elements, one is does he get off on it _at all_. As noted, there is HUGE demand for that kind of p*rn, so a lot of guys do. Was your ex? Did you ever watch together? It would be a good way to talk about what turns you on, what doesn't, and what you might want to try. Second, I think if I were in a relationship with someone like you (I'm not:( ) I'd need safewords, for my OWN comfort. I need to know she has a mechanism to give green light vs. red light.

[Asker]

:-) Well my desires are desirable at least! And that's exactly what I think of when I imagine being with a guy like that, the use of code words so he can know when I'm ready to start and when it's getting too rough for me. And the use of the two finger tapout because I'm interested in light choking. My ex was into interracial stuff be we're different races so there we go, lol.

[bridgeyyyx]

Sounds like you like a master/slave dynamic?

i say online is good (fetlife.com!)

And try some concerts. Heavy metal!

Oh, and try some local meetups/ clubs... there's some listed on fetlife.com

i found out some lady in my area actually has a dungeon!

Lol

[Asailum]

its cause guys feel so guilty about that stuff. Me on the other hand... I love to give orders and would love to find a pet >:)

[Belgie]

If you're not so much concerned with Dom/Sub stuff, then stand up for yourself a bit, and tell your partner what you're looking for.

I don't think it's hard for a guy to get into the sadist mind set, with a bit of practice. I don't think you need a born sadist.

A born sadist would be a full time sadist. And would you really want someone who was a sadist 24 hours a day?

[Asker]

"And would you really want someone who was a sadist 24 hours a day?" Well no. Bedtime persona only. If I could find a nice guy who could switch it on and off it'd be a dream.

[Belgie]

I don't think you'd find a guy who could switch it on and off, unless he'd already had a relationship like that. What I'm saying is, if you're explicit (not subtle) about what you want from your partner, what sort of mind set you're looking for, I think most guys could accommodate you. (It just might take a little time and practice)

[Asker]

Well my ex couldn't ever really get into it, but I don't doubt that it's possible.

[Lupianwolf]

alt.com, is a fetish hook up site

[Asker]

Sweet. Not sure if I'd actually find a partner there but worth a shot. Thanks!

[Asker]

Oh by the way, I noticed I didn't say this. Rorschach! <3

[Lupianwolf]

Yes your not as messed up as me

[panteez4ever]

Thanks for havin the guts to be honest about what you need.there are several dating sites specifically to help you find what you're looking for.I 've used: alt.com and Collarme. I've had results on both of these sites,leading up to meeting like minded women and hooking up!

It's worth your time to create a detailed. Profile, w good pics too, it paid off for me!

[Asker]

Oh another site. Thank you! I was pretty scared to post this I thought a lot of people would call me weird.

[Anonymous]

ahhh you are just perfect ;p

[Asker]

Thank you. :)

[Anonymous]

lol good luck with that girlfriend