Why do guys say they NEED sex for intimacy, as if they have no conscious decision making power in the matter?

[Anonymous]

Why do men keep saying they need sex for intimacy? its one thing if they do not want intimacy period - but if they want intimacy , why do they limit themselves to sex. is it just a ruse for more sex? if you recognize that you want intimacy than why do not you try other kinds of intimacy. the argument you are taught this or that growing up, has little loses credibility , as you are in the present consciously aware you want intimacy now, not when you were 10.. so why is it just with sex? unless.. of course you do not want intimacy or you really ONLY want it in sex, it is not that you CAN only experience intimacy through sex, it is that you only WANT to experience intimacy with sex. I think its an excuse to get more sex.. It is a sort of passive aggressive way f getting sex, oh poor me , its what I have been taught, its what I am pressured with by society--I can only feel close through sex- f*** me now so I am not lonely. if I want sex I can jerk off I do not demand a guy is my sex outlet 24/7 .. just like guys do not NEED sex to feel intimacy, they just use it as an excuse. EWven IF yuo are truy accustomed to ONLY feeling comfortable feeling intimacy through sex.. you could always TRAIN yourselves to experience it through other outlets. so either you really do not want to feel close, or you only want to feel close through se, but it is not a need, you have numerous ways you can feel close to people. IF you do not, you CHOOSE not to? so I want to know why you narrow your options for intimacy..

[kheserthorpe]

Connected sex is the main way most men feel and experience intimacy in a romantic relationship. There are other methods, and they are important, but they are not the main, natural channel for men.

Yes, men can have sex without intimacy. Yes, men can get off by themselves (the desire for sex with a partner has relatively little to do with sensation or need to orgasm, or we'd all be bisexual and not care what our partners looked like).

But a man who is in love with a woman he is attracted to will feel closest to her when they are having regular sex, and feel disconnected - not just from her, but to the world in general, if she is not having enthusiastic sex with him.

This is not 'learned' behavior, it is simply how men _are_.

It is likely that, as a species, we evolved to fall in love in order to raise children. For women, a close, loving relationship with shared feeling and support makes them feel connected, and increases the chances they'll want sex (though that's not the only reason women want sex - with some extremely desirable partners, they'd want sex anyway). This makes sense - a pretty good partner who is also emotionally bonded and will help raise the kids makes more sense as a sexual partner, for a woman.

For men, its a little different. Yes, there is a 'mating dance' at the beginning of the relationship, but long term, men who stayed in love with women they weren't having sex with raised another man's children and died out of the gene pool. We are not descended from those men. We are all descended from the men who only stuck around with the actual mother's of their children, i.e. women who were happily having sex with them.

There are other forms of intimacy that matter to men (though non -sexual touch is probably number 2 after sexual touch) but most of them really can't compensate for a huge lack of sexual connection.

Men simply do not feel truly loved if they aren't having a sexual connection with their partner.

[Asker]

they could learn to if they wanted to, that was my point. no one is a slave to instinct. even IF men are designed to feel closest during sex, & I don't know that that is true. they can always learn other methods. I am not saying men should not want intimacy during sex. I'm saying I think they make sure its their ONLY source- to get more sex. I think they intentionally refuse any other sort of intimacy. If a guy never touches his girlfriend affectionately ACCEPT sex, shel be more inclined to have more sex.

[kheserthorpe]

All I can do is assure you that seems to be how I am, and from what I've read that's true of most men. It tends to be a non issue as long as there's plenty of intimacy, everyone enjoys all of it. The problem is when one or more types drop off. When a man gets rejected sexually, he really doesn't feel like being cuddly or romantic. He's hurt and feels cut off. Can he try to hide it and be romantic anyway? Yes. And I'd advise him too. But to women, I advise trying to connect sexually.

[Asker]

i think many men refuse intimacy except for sex. that's not the same as being intimate INCLUDING sex. sex becomes the ONLY means of intimacy. do you only become intimate during sex, & are distant otherwise.. is that what you are saying? because that is what I am asking about.

[kheserthorpe]

I try not to do that, but if I'm being sexually rejected (yes, I've gone through _long_ dry spells with my wife postpartum, more than a year) then I feel hurt and resentful. So putting on a smile and emotionally connecting, touching her without feeling sexual is _hard_. I try. Yes, men can try to enjoy other things, put sex off. I doubt men cut off affec. on purpose to make her want sex - that won't help. Its that the man no longer feels affec. due to lack of sex. Both should try to connect

[Asker]

no guys do that. I had to read journals of men participating in a study. they purposefully with hold affection so that sex is the only source. and I was not thinking of long periods without sex. I meant affection on top of regular sex. maybe I gave the wrong impression. I specifically meant refusal to be intimate in any other way than sex none. even with regular sex.

[Milesdavis2998]

If men made sex their only outcome the female side of the race is screwed. Literally and figuratively. Your study was flawed or fake.

[kheserthorpe]

Q/A, I think I can see a little where you're coming from, and I suspect we're talking about different types of relationships, and women, and men. In a committed relationship, cutting off the affection will probably cut down the sex, so its not a good 'strategy'. What can happen is a vicious circle where sex drops, man feels less affectionate/intimate, she then feels less sexual, etc. Are you talking about a FWB where the guy 'rewards' her for sex with intimacy? He doesn't love her at all.

[Asker]

If men ONLY experienced intimacy through sex--men would be screwed as well. what happens when they can't get it up, or they get sick, or they don't have a d***. does not mean many men within committed relationships, do not refuse emotional connection, except within sex.

[kheserthorpe]

Is not through sex, its through shared sexual experience expressed with joy and enthusiasm. I'd rather get an enthusiastic handjob then have her have grumpy bored sex to 'make me happy'. I want to feel desired, I want my sexuality reflected back, I want to share it with her. Hell, I'd rather masturbate and have her watch excited then have crummy sex. It really is _primarily_ about a hot, connected sexual experience, whatever form its in.

[Asker]

yea no I meant relationships where men refuse to be affectionate outside f sex. not where there is a decilne of sex. where the man insists sex is the only form of intimacy he can handle because he is a guy, etc. strictly speaking. sex is the ONLY affectionate outlet. not the default position from lack of anything else. & not as a response to no sex. as the position from the start. i would never be with a guy who could only love through sex or with sex etc, many do. and the guys say its how they

[Asker]

-express love. but expressing love is not just based on what you want to express it, it should be based on what someone else feel loved. sex is fine expression of love, if that's what everyone wants. but to say you are doing it for someone else, when its not what they want, or fir yourself because its all you can do.. its dishonest. that would be like me saying my boyfriend does not need sex because I can talk to him & hug him, some men like to use ONLY sex to show love.. does not mean its true or mutual.

[kheserthorpe]

Even if sexuality is the only way they feel intimate, that doesn't mean they can't make the effort to explore other forms of intimacy that you want. If they won't, then really, move on. Sex and affection and emotional intimacy are not things to be traded, they all need to be fully shared. Its true that most of us feel more 'giving' when we get our needs met first. But if you want to make it work, you both give, and ask for what you need.

[kheserthorpe]

I think we're basically in agreement here. For a lot of people - especially men - they need sex to feel loved. And most people need other things AS WELL. You have a right to get the kind of intimacy you need, and a responsibility to provide the kind your partner needs. If your man needs wild sex, and you need cuddling and talking about your day, you both need to try to make both those things happen, or the relationship is going to die.

[Asker]

i told you I would not stay in that kind of a situation.. & I am not in that situation. I have been hearing guys say they need sex because it is there ONLY emotional release., & I got sick of hearing that, so I asked about it. I was just asking men why they do that. lie.

[kheserthorpe]

Its not a lie. They do need sex(ual contact) to feel close and loved. However that doesn't mean they shouldn't also be trying to express love in other ways _as well_ that are meaningful to their partner.

[Asker]

thats how its a lie. that is specifically what my question is about. men who say sex is the ONLY way they can experience closeness. i agree with all you said.. but I'm only talking about men saying sex is the only way they are capable of experience closeness. its self serving.. and as you said it does not have to be, if they were genuine. thanks for answering ;)

[kheserthorpe]

You're combining feeling and expressing, and as you noted those are different things. I need sex to FEEL loved, and I like EXPRESSING it that way. I can relatively easily adjust how I EXPRESS love to my partner, presuming its something I feel comfortable with, but I cannot as easily change what makes me FEEL loved. And you're the same! Otherwise you could just 'feel loved via sex'. You could _express love via sex for your partner as long as you felt attracted, but need to FEEL it your way

[Used2BPromQueen]

People experience intimacy differently. You appear to have quite a Superiority Complex going on with your mentality towards emotional intimacy. I need sex to feel emotionally connected to my husband. You don't obviously. Your way of connecting is NOT superior/better/more refined then mine and vice versa. Oh and you keep saying guys can "learn" other ways... well that goes for you to. By your own mindset, why shouldn't you learn to do it my way? You're being intolerant and self-righteous.

[Cheekynicko]

Yeah its just a play. They think that intimacy is something that a woman would like to give them and by linking it to sex think that makes getting you to put out more likely.

It's clumsy and immature. If you spend the time getting to know a woman first then you never actually need to ask, it'll just happen as and when everyone feels comfortable. That has the bonus of then being much more enjoyable.

[Asker]

i agree. ;)

[ChronicThinker]

Men and women aren't the same, and women need to suck it up and get used to it.

Men are not the hyper-emotional sex who love rom-coms and need to talk about their feelings every time we feel insecure; that's WOMEN. Men, are men. Men tend to be fixers, they express themselves bluntly, cut and dry. Guys see sex and intimacy as synonymous, because they're dudes. They don't see intimacy as having a long talk about their childhoods.

So, no, they can't "train themselves" to experience something that makes no logical sense to them. That's like saying women should "train themselves" to behave more like men.

[b_luvedbaby]

I disagree. There is nothing more intimate than two bodies joining together. On occasion me and my boyfriend will go through 'dry' spells and we won't have sex for a couple days, by the end of the 3rd or 4th day of not being 'intimate' I start to miss him physically. It has nothing to do with needing to have an orgasm either (I can do that on my own..).

Obviously you don't like sex very much though so I'm probably wasting my time answering this...

[Asker]

you are not answering the question, so you are in fact waisting your time. & mine. especially since you are not a guy. did I say sex was not intimate.OF COURSE it is-thats HOW it works as an excuse, otherwise its not beleivible. Do you with hold intimacy EXCEPT during sex with your girlfriend or wife..? saying sex is the only way you can experience intimacy? if you do id like to know why,. if you do not, & do not know any men ho do, & are not an expert on the matter, you have no insight to offer.

[b_luvedbaby]

My bad! I meant to say I disagree with your attitude. For future reference, if you only want guys to answer, say that in your question.

[Shaun]

Please don't sit these questions out b_luvedbaby, it's nice to see women who are fair minded and realist and who genuinely love men, speak up.

[b_luvedbaby]

Thank you Shaun :) I try.

[Asker]

i am asking men why they bullsh*t., if I didn't like men I would not care. what attitude . I'm not talking about men in general, I'm asking particular guys about lying. you want me to ask with sugar & plums.. everyone is jumping to conclusions NOT asking verification.. & getting defensive & no one is actually answering the specific question. no one has answered without talking about wiring. as tho we don't have reason , will & agency. you are right ...I should have specified. sorry for that.

[b_luvedbaby]

Maybe work on the way you phrase questions. If you don't ask it right it could come out wrong.

[Milesdavis2998]

The comfort of your body is the intimacy we want and crave. Testosterone is a dangerous thing for us because of how affective it is. If you had 1/10th of the testosterone we have, you'd feel the same way. That, and you would know what to do with yourself sexually because of how much you needed it. Just a point of view.

[Asker]

who said I do not like sex who said I do not like bodies. by the way women are far more sensative to testosterone than men. we need far less. so saying you have tons does not mean much. its quality not quantity. it only takes 20 % Do you with hold intimacy EXCEPT during sex with your girlfriend or wife..? saying sex is the only way you can experience intimacy? if you do I'd like to know why,. if you do not, & do not know any men ho do, & are not an expert on the matter, you have no insight to offer.

[Milesdavis2998]

A woman comfort level is fleeting similar to her intimacy level. Everything about has to do with one thing, your attitude. Guys don't operate that way. How a guy feel is nearly irrelevant to his needs. If you're defining 'intimacy' with feelings then you've misplaced your understanding of men. And yes, testosterone is directly proportional to Everyone's labido. You have far less than any man BECAUSE you are a woman. IF you had any level close to what a men produce, you'd die from masturbation

[Asker]

i masturbate more than guys I know&im not dead. And- bullsh*t. I repeatedly said I'm referring to things men SAY they do regarding intimacy--im not saying they should have it. And you NEVER ASKED ME what I do, so you have absoutely nothing to comment on. if anyone wants emotional closeness-sex is not the only way. men refuse to be affectionate outside sex its a game that's all. & you do not know anything about how I exeperience things just because I have a vagina. And I never said STOP with sex.

[Milesdavis2998]

Yeah I saw your update, and I see your reasoning. Truth is you're line of thinking is irrelevant and skewed because it's far to narrow. And, I don't think your masterbation habits are going to kill you, however an encounter with a real man (not one that just says he wants sex) might give you a heart attack. =)

[l-hedoniste]

Simple: it's what they want.

We each get to pick our deal breakers. If a man won't enter an intimate, sexless relationship under any circumstances, he gets to say it, and act like it. He needn't even explain himself; "deal breaker" is explanation aplenty.

[debsman]

When it's time to go to work, I intimately kiss my wife good-bye. When we go to the store, we intimately hold hands while walking from the car to the store and back. When we go for a walk on a walking trail, again we intimately hold hands. These are just a few examples of the intimacy we share. I see no ruse for sex here.

[scarab2891]

In the field of psychology, it has been studied and shown time and time and time again that men associate sex with intimacy and acceptance. It's how they're wired. Men feel accepted and loved when they have sex. Probably most men out there couldn't explain quite why that is, but it's the way things are. It doesn't mean that clever men who are aware of this won't take advantage of a woman by using it as an excuse for more sex, but despite how even manipulative men may use such information, they aren't wrong about it. Women don't inextricably link sex with intimacy, but men do. It doesn't mean they can't learn new ways of non-sexual intimacy, but it does mean that their default definition of intimacy is "sex with my woman." Men and women are wired completely differently.

[taster]

I am going to come at you in a little different fashion...My wife was shore fishing for walleyes with me once and we were on a bridge with several other males..but my wife was the only female...and as she listened to these males talking with one another..she grew increasingly amazed...when she went home she told her family.."Men are so impersonal..they don't talk about family or wives or children" I don't know if it's ingrained or not..but if I were to start asking males questions about their women & children..that is perceived as threatening...it is just not done...our minds don't work the same way as females and we don't react or interact like females either. Some of us are capable of being fairly intimate...but some guys wouldn't do that if you put a gun to their head...

[Asker]

Sorry I meant to say "why do 'some' men..." men are perfectly capable of being intimate just like women are perfectly capable of liking sex. IM NT saying anyone should be intimate. I'm saying IF they want intimacy they have many options. problem with the wiring argument, is people have will & reason & consciousness. what would a guy do if he his d***- he would find other ways of being intimate. where there's a way & all of that. I know plenty of men who talk way more than women I know..

[taster]

I am perfectly capable of being intimate without sex...but I think some males really struggle with that...however...believe as you will...

[Shaun]

Wow, you're so clever. Men want sex and women don't. Women are made of rainbows and unicorns.

Get real. The minute a man starts to withhold sex in a relationship he's accused by his woman of getting it somewhere else.

Sex IS intimacy. If you don't get that, you're doing it wrong or haven't done it at all.

[Asker]

you have a story in your head, it is not mine. i never said women do not like sex. wow. Do you with hold intimacy EXCEPT during sex with your girlfriend or wife..? saying sex is the only way you can experience intimacy? if you do id like to know why,. if you do not, & do not know any men ho do, & are not an expert on the matter, you have no insight to offer and you are only answering because you jumped to conclusions & got offended of your own doing.

[Gomezaddam51]

For guys sex IS a part of intimacy, a huge part. Without sex, why have a relationship? You cannot fuck a woman's mind or personality. IF there is no sex then the guy should just get a dog and it would be the same as having a woman with no sex. You have companionship and someone to greet you when you walk in the door and since it is not a woman, there is no bullshit to put up with.

[PropagandaMinister]

Sex has nothing to do with intimacy, otherwise ONS would never works. Sex is about the good feelings and the orgasm. Sex is a drug and most who use it lie to himself saying they do it for intimacy. Womans do that as much as Men do it. Its not just a men or a woman thing. Sadly most doesn't even know anymore what a good releationship is and offers. Most young people see a releationship as a "sex as much you want" contract with the extra rule "just sex with each other, no cheating!".

[7gnat]

Intimacy is sex and sex is intimacy, Other things are also intimacy too. To a man sex is a very intimate act but if you experience a man that can only get intimacy through sex then he is either using the woman for sex or has intimacy and or commitment issues.

[Asker]

men on a large scale claim sex is the only way they can experience intimacy. so we agree they exist. I'm asking these men WHY they lie. or are too lazy to try other means f intimacy. If you are emotionally healthy , have no friends who use intimacy as an excuse to get more sex, & are not an expert- than you have no insight into it.

[syncheart]

I think for a man, sex is always the final goal. But that doesn't mean He doesn't love you too.

[RoyalGuy_PRO]

Is love really, a conscious decision. Think about it

[SamKishere]

I don’t think it’s true there’s more to intimacy then sex for guys I mean like I appreciate affection way more then sex to be honest I mean of course I want sex finding a guy that doesn’t is extremely rare but I can be intimate without sex or any sort of sexual contact just affectation is enough.

[SayHelloToMyAfro]

I don't know many guys that claim that. I think it's in your head. If you don't have sex then you might not be able to be fully intimate, but you can still be a bit intimate.

[dariusSimo]

Yes it's often excuse but as you said it yourself, some guys may have been taught that it really is the only way. So potentially you may try to show guys another way of being intimate, and they may just surprise you. If after that they still just want sex then it's not intimacy they are looking for but simply a hole to score a goal. And any will do.

[BeHappy1985]

Because it feels great

https://youtu.be/lQlIhraqL7o

[mrArcher]

Men. Are men. Get over it.

[JamieLoves]

Well, that’s “ Total “ BS if a guy says that to you. I’ve never heard a guy say that... I guess if he did, you’re not having sex with him and he’s giving you a story to receive some. If you like him, you should have sex. If not, you’re with the wrong person.

[SilverSnaik]

Well I don't believe that sex is the only way go get intimate

[wantsomede]

Because you're horny without if it was intimacy wouldn't be making love not sex

[Paddy484]

Sex is not the only way to feel intimate.

Sounds like you're thinking of someone in particular. They probably were just using it as a crap excuse for sex or do not understand emotions very well