My boyfriend doesn't want sex...like ever. I need help. :(

[Anonymous]

Ok so he's 20, I'm 20, and we've been dating for about a year and a half. He's super sweet and he takes care of me in any way he can. He loves me! Which is, I guess, why I've been able to stay in denial so long about the fact that he has the sex drive of an 80-year-old woman!...or maybe a baby sloth or something? Sigh. See, we have plenty sex, but as long as we've been dating, he's said he doesn't really need it or anything, and he's fine without it. He's even gone so far as to say he feels sex is more for the benefit of the woman than the man. For the longest time I thought he was full of sh*t and just didn't want to seem like another sex-obsessed male. But it's been slowly dawning on me that the boy doesn't really even want it like...at all! I'm starting to see that every time, I've instigated it. He goes along with it because he does love me and it's not like he doesn't enjoy it, but if I never tried, I think it would never happen. When we first started having sex, I think he wanted to because we were all shiny and new and in brand new love and it was all special and junk. But now... Well last night I had been kissing him and smiling at him and cuddling with him and eventually he was like "Ok I can tell you want sex, and I'm not really feelin it to be honest." I mean, if I WAS feeling in any way romantic, I sure as hell wasn't any more! I got up, turned out the light, got in bed and started crying. He felt bad, so he reached over to me and I guess felt the tears cause he realized I was crying and we talked about it, but all I concluded from the talk is that my boyfriend will just never feel tempted by me, and maybe rarely has in the past. He seemed quite confident that he was attracted to me, and I'm confident that I'm attractive, so I don't get it. I feel helpless, lonely, and just damn depressed. I can't do much for him, and not that I want to manipulate him, but really, I have no pull here. He's already a man. He's set up in life to have the power. Now I know I don't even have this power. I kind of feel more like his dog or his child than his lover. On top of that, I just wonder how long I can be OK with not being wanted at all. The realization alone made me break down in tears, which I don't often do. And is it so bad to just want your man to want you? What the hell do I DO?

[Impex]

Really question that perhaps this could be that he has indeed lost sexual interest in you, loving you and wanting to be with and wanting you physically are 2 different things. Although I'm sure he has told you how attractive you are and how he loves the way you look it could easily just be a cover up.

Another idea is perhaps just a low libido? Low on male testosterone? Although I don't really think that's the root of the problem. And another thing you might want to consider and I know it might sound ridiculous but have you ever thought that he might be gay?

To go about this is a little tricky though, find out the true reason for his behavior even if you have to be blunt about it. Once you find out the prblem, then perhaps you and he can try to find some kind of solution to this problem.

[Asker]

Lost interest in me sexually after a year and a half? It's not like I've changed any! And I really don't think he's gay. Just kind of indifferent. It sucks. :( And I have been blunt. I even asked him outright if he was gay.

[Impex]

Well there you go, the fact that you havn't changed any may be the problem. I know that may not make much sense but perhaps he has just quite frankly lost interest in you. That's the only explanation I can think of, but what does he say when your blunt with him?

[Asker]

He wracked his brain trying to figure out why he was that way and how he could change it. He's really selfless like that. It makes him happy to give me what I want/need even if I don't ask for it. That's why it makes it hard, cause I can never find ways to reciprocate! Besides, obviously, loving the heck out of him. But maybe that's why he's not that sexually driven? Would that make sense?

[Impex]

If he himself doesn't even know what's wrong then I'm afraid your at a loss... I wouldn't think that loving him too much would be the problem unless he just handles your affection differently from most men. But perhaps its true that he just does..not..want sex. Could be that simple. Have you tried spicing things up a little? Different techniques?

[Asker]

Well, I ask him all the time if he can think of anything he likes, so I can do it or if there's anything he'd want to try, but he can never think of anything. And sometimes when I do try something different, he pretty much shuts it down. :(

[Impex]

I mean I just don't know what to tell you, besides seeking out a counselor so that maybe he can find out what exactly it is that's got your boyfriend so distant sexually.

[Asker]

Sigh. I'm just gunna wait and see how I look at things when I've cooled off, I guess. Thanks for all your suggestions. I appreciate it.

[l-hedoniste]

"as long as we've been dating, he's said he doesn't really need it or anything, and he's fine without it. He's even gone so far as to say he feels sex is more for the benefit of the woman than the man."

This was a warning.

"I don't get it."

What's there not to get? He doesn't have a high sex drive, doesn't want one, and he's cool with that. The writing is on the wall, in big letters. Always has been, just waiting for you to read it.

"What the hell do I DO?"

You got the man you got. Your choice is simple: Deal, or go.

Sorry to be so blunt about it, but your man's been trying--and trying, and trying--to get that across to you *since the beginning of the relationship*. I hope you're clear on it now, because there will be nothing but tears until you are.

[LadySilvr]

I have had some personal experience with something similar to this. I think it's perfectly normal for a person to be wanted by the person they are being intimate with. I definitely want to feel like the guy I'm with wants me. But, you need to think about this. Is this something you can live with or not? If not then you may want to reconsider the relationship.

Also, talk to him about it. Tell him exactly what you wrote and see what he has to say.

Sexual comfort and compatibility are important in a relationship, sometimes more important than people think.

[Asker]

Oh, what I wrote is just a brief selective synopsis of what I told him. : / And I don't know if I can deal with it, but how do you tell someone "I am breaking up with you cause I want to feel wanted." That just seems...egh. Plus, I adore the kid.

[LadySilvr]

How did he react to what you said? Breaking up is never easy. I'm sure you adore him and emotionally, etc everything is amazing. BUT sexual compatibility is very important. If he cares about you, he will understand. I don't think anyone who cares about the person they are with wants that person to be unhappy. You need to sit down and talk to him about how this is important enough to break up over. Yes it may seem selfish but it's your happiness. You can't force something that's not there.

[Asker]

He reacted by trying to figure out why he was that way and what he could do about it, poor thing. And your last sentence is pretty much what I told him.

[LadySilvr]

Unfortunately, I don't think it's something he can figure out overnight. It could be a complicated mix of things; low sex drive, psycho-sexual issues, stress, anxiety. Think of yourself.

[phillyboy215]

we all try to act like it isn't but sex is a big part of a relationship. try giving him head and see if that sparks his sex drive.

[Asker]

I do it all the time. He likes it more than sex, so it doesn't really make him want sex more...get me?

[bonedust]

You really have no choice but to accept it. I am a heteroromantic asexual, meaning I am attracted to women physically and emotionally, but have no need or desire for sex. So by this, I understand where your boyfriend is coming from. I'm not saying he's asexual or gay by the way.

One thing that could be the cause is that he isn't confident in his performance and doesn't want to disappoint you. He could also be just not wanting to appear overeager. Even though you said you realize he doesn't want it it can be more than possible to stick to his guns this long and pretend to not be interested. It might be he that you just haven't found the one thing that REALLY turns him on yet. It can be any of those things.

[Asker]

I decided it's not a confidence thing or a desire not to appear overeager, and I've been trying to see what he really wants. I ask him sometimes. "I'll be like dude. What is it that you'd really like? I'm open!" He doesn't have any ideas. : /

[jimmy217]

maybe he is gay Or was raped when he was younger

[Anon-ymous1]

Well... unfortunately, Girls-- If He Doesn't Want Sex, Something is Wrong. ↗

[Rich4289]

if I was your neighbor I would take care of that part for you lol

[Naughtyboy71]

Like to chat with sexual conversations

[scooogy]

So we males may call you females now 80-years-old grannys just because you whine and whine and whine about guys wanting oh so much sex?

[sheikh2123]

Give me your phone number

[Anonymous]

What the hell is so bad about that? He finds you attractive, he's had sex with you before even though he didn't want it very much if at all, which means he essentially did it for you by putting your wants first, and that definitely indicates that he loves you. You obviously have influence on him in that he loves you, so yes you do have "pull." WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT? He simply "wants" you romantically rather than sexually. He has an extremely low sex drive, but loves you. That's all that should matter.

BTW, women shouldn't use sex as a tool of manipulation and power. That's wrong. If you were ever planning on doing that, I'm sure glad it won't work.

[Asker]

I can see how you could react that way, since it's hard to tell someone's intentions sometimes in so few words, and NOT that I need your approval, but it's not about manipulation. It's an emotional hurt that I really doubt you could empathize with. I can't really help it. It just makes me feel like I'm not good enough or something. And it makes me feel...base, I guess. That's what I meant with the power stuff. Like we're not equals.

[Opinion Owner]

But that doesn't make sense. I already explained this to you. He loves you, that's all that should matter. Unless you can explain why him loving you isn't enough, I can't offer any more advice.

[Asker]

I wonder what it's like to live in your world where sex is unimportant and women who want it are manipulative. Thanks for the unnecessary comments and congrats on your moral perfection.

[Opinion Owner]

Sex is unimportant to some people. You should know that by now, not doubt it. Also, don't put words in my mouth. I never said all women that aren't asexual are manipulative, and I never will. And thank you for the congratulations.

[Anonymous]

Dump him as soon as possible. Whether he is really attracted to you or not you're just not feeling it and will never be happy with him. Let me repeat that you are not happy with him and never will be, EVER! There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel wanted by your man (it's natural for women although many deny it and will call me sexist lol) and if you aren't feeling wanted and don't have that "power" you described over him you're going to live life feeling like worthless trash just to be polite to him. I advise you to behave like a stereotypical biatch and dump his ass so that hopefully someday you can find somebody to be happy with. Sure you'll probably hurt this guy but he'll get over it eventually which is better than you sacrificing your own pleasure and feeling like sh*t the rest of your life just to please him.